Dave Barry's Blog

MIAMI EDUCATION UPDATE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE WHO SIT AND POSSESS PRIVATE PARTS

The Salli Seat.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

A bomb squad in Ohio detonated a container of pickled mangos.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

TODAY'S PHUKET GAZETTE UPDATE

Unfortunately, because of our strict policy against making fun of names and weird foreign customs in general, we are unable to bring you today's Phuket Gazette update.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using marmots.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THAT'S GOING TO GO ON HER PERMANENT RECORD

Drunk mum kneed principal in testicles

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ROMANCE

A girlfriend stabbed her sleepwalking boyfriend after he urinated in their wardrobe.

(Thanks to nursecindy, as well as Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie, who both note that, incredibly, alcohol was involved)

Original story here.

MEANWHILE IN AUSTRALIA

The tradies are perving.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CSI: JOHOR

(Thanks to Danny)

WE SAW THE STONED WALLABIES OPEN FOR MOBY GRAPE

Stoned wallabies signal aliens

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOMETIMES IT'S TOO EASY

(Thanks to Siouxie, R. Kunkle, frodolives and Joshua Orpin)

SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Monkey urinates on Zambian president

(Thanks to Siouxie and CJrun)

ATTENTION, OSCAR VOTERS

(Thanks to Danny)

ONCE AGAIN OUR STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...has tied our hands.

RECIPE FOR TROUBLE

A turkey in a manure truck.

(Thanks to Cynthia, Horace LaBadie and Jeff Meyerson)

TODAY'S FIREWORKS SAFETY ADVISORY FOR MEN

Don't do this.

Language Warning: Before you watch the video, turn your volume all the way down. Consider destroying your speakers, just to be sure.

(Thanks to Danny)

BULGARIAN MARKETING UPDATE

We personally see nothing suggestive about this.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION, LADIES OF CERTAIN DIMENSIONS

We can't wait for the infomercial.

(Thanks to Ginger B. and catmanmax)

COMIC STRIP OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Charlotte Buckley and Horace LaBadie)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

NORTH DAKOTA UPDATE

Fun times at the Fargodome.

(Thanks to Rick Harover, Don Faber, nursecindy and Cynthia)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

Sober to sozzled in six minutes

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

A FLORIDA PILOT'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

Plane crashes into cow, pilot survives

(Thanks to Cynthia)

BUT DO NOT USE THE VENUS FLY TRAP

Pitcher Plant Doubles as Toilet

IT'S A TOTAL CHICK MAGNET

You can own the Tron Guy's plane.

(Via Gizmodo)

HE IS WELCOME ON THE HIGHWAYS OF FLORIDA

After drinking at least 10 beers at a golf course on state Highway 167 and being left behind by the relatives who brought him there, a South Milwaukee man decided to drive himself the nearly 40 miles back to his home - in a golf cart.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Allen at Division)

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PEOPLE WITH WAY TOO MUCH SPARE TIME, WE GIVE YOU...

...this.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IT'S TIME FOR STRICT FEDERAL CONTROLS

Woman smacked with cucumber in Lehigh Acres

(Thanks to Danny)

WE NEED TO INCORPORATE THIS INTO THE INAUGURATION CEREMONY

The beer-keg handoff.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SOON TO BE A TV REALITY SHOW

Fingernail Repo Woman

(Thanks to Cynthia)

NAKED CANADIANS UPDATE

They're out of control up there.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

CHEMISTRY

More fun than you think.

(Thanks to Ralph)

UPDATE ON THE GIRL WITH 56 STARS TATTOOED ON HER FACE

Turns out that she is a moron asked for them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

FINE WITH US, AS LONG AS THEY NAME IT BUDDY

William & Mary mascot ideas include an asparagus

(Thanks to Cynthia)

ATTENTION ALL SWANTON UNITS

Proceed immediately to Route 78. And take pretzels.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Ralph)

SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO

'Until now celebrities didn't expose their nipples so they were no "nipple role models",' explains Dr Riccardo Frati, a cosmetic surgeon for the Harley Medical Group.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Bruce Webster)

LOOK FOR THE UNION PIGEON

Professional pigeon wrangler Bill Desmaris wants any pigeon appearing as an extra or in a featured role in a motion picture made in Massachusetts to be locally licensed and banded - no fly-by-night scabs stealing scenes.

(Thanks to Guin)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CANADA

Fun Neighbor To The North

Key Quotes:

"We came out, we were in a robe because, you know, it's a swingers' club,"

...firefighters were also able to rescue four lab rats the business keeps on hand to explain rodent behaviour.

(Thanks to Jonathan)

BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS ALREADY

We're going to bomb the Moon.

Key Name of Concerned Human: Alfred Lambremont Webre

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys are good at home improvement.

(Thanks ti Jeff Meyerson and catmanmax)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

'Agitated' man rescued from dryer

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

Update: Related item here.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CIVILIZATION IS DOOMED

The British government is eliminating the teaching of "i" before "e," except after "c."

(Thanks to Cynthia and nursecindy)

LET'S HOPE TOLEDO DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT THIS

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE PEEPS

(Thanks to nursecindy, catmanmax and Horace LaBadie)

GNFARB

Therapy Chickens

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IF YOU SEE ONLY ONE EXTREMLY RANDOM INCOMPREHENSIBLE VIDEO FEATURING HELEN HUNT, HALL AND OATES AND A KEYBOARD-PLAYING CAT THIS YEAR

...make it this one.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

BUFFALO

Feel the Excitement

WHICH LEADS US TO ASK:

Why do they have jockeys in the first place?

(Thanks to Jenny Kellner)