Dave Barry's Blog

SPORTS UPDATE

Francoeur said he had not worn the turkey briefs for back-to-back games all season, but will Tuesday (the Braves were off Monday, and he planned to ask his wife, Catie, to wash the underwear).

(Thanks to Jonathan)

ATTENTION, MEN

(Thanks to RussellMc)

NO, YOU READ HIM HIS RIGHTS

Homeowner assaulted by defecating man

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HORN-TOOTING ALERT

Here's a nice review of the book Ridley and I have coming out in October.

INCREDIBLY, HE APPEARS TO BE SINGLE

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE LIGHTER SIDE OF HEART SURGERY

Wacky hijinks!

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT HAS GOT TO STOP

Another senseless violin attack.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

"Her dog got into her purse and ate all her personal checks," Banfield said. The woman reportedly told police she had no choice but to take funds from her former husband's account.

A Wisconsin teenager using a classic excuse for evading schoolwork missed a class trip to Peru despite his tale being true: The dog ate his passport.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Cynthia and Ralph)

LET'S JUST HOPE THEY DON'T RESORT TO...

...dynamite.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to Barbara A)

DO NOT TRY TO MAKE IT SNOOZE

The flesh-eating clock.

(Thanks to Jonathan)

CSI: DES MOINES

Orphan iguana stolen from Iowa rescue center

(Thanks to Cynthia)

IT'S A DISGUISE, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Cross-Dressing Clown Robs Liquor Store

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW

Yikes.

OFFICE UPDATE

After many hours of hard labor, with whip-cracking bosses threatening us with Lysol brand disinfecting wipes (puke scented!), we are now housed in a new office that is as clean as it is going to get for a while:

Unfortunately there is no desk for The Blog, but please don't tell him! By the time he visits the office, we surely will have moved again.

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

This is a photo of a bedraggled little fox (the wildlife variety) that was hanging around at the library's book drop the other night. Really, it is; we swear:

 

Here's some wildlife that's a little scarier, but at least you can see it:

 

This has been your Florida Wildlife Update for today.

BUT IT'S PERFECTLY OK WITH NEW ONES

Utah Officials Warn TV Viewers Not To Shoot Their Old TV Sets

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Reason 2,038.

(Thanks to Dave Miesen)

IT HAS A FUTURE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE

Frog dozes in mud for years without food, water

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

AND THEY FAILED TO ADVISE IT OF ITS RIGHTS

Video Shows Police Questioning Woman With Squirrel In Shirt

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CSI: WATERVILLE

Waterville Police Sgt. Jeffrey Bearce said Edgecomb, who was intoxicated and covered with a pink substance believed to be Pepto-Bismol...

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

DESPITE THE INSTALLATION OF A SMALL INTERNAL ROCKET ENGINE

The penguin still could not achieve flight.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THEIR PLACE IS BEHIND WOMEN, NO?

She will create plaster cast moulds of women's behinds to try to understand their place in contemporary culture.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Ralph, Baron vonKlyff and catmanmax)

NAUTICAL UPDATE FROM CJRUN

As I try to change over from a corporate type to a full-time Boat Captain, people occasionally send me stuff.  I have seen a lot, in the 26 years I've been a Captain.  I once watched a spit-and-polish Marine Patrol officer back his boat trailer down a ramp, stop with just enough trailer to step aboard from dry pavement and keep the crease in his trousers, start up the boat, back into a river, and slowly sink, as he had forgotten to put in the plug.  Anybody can forget the plug; we've all done it at one time, or another.

However, in all that ime, I have never seen this.  I thought I had seen it all, until somebody sent me this photo.  Technically, boats don't come with directions, you're supposed to know certain things, before you launch your boat:

AIRLINE OF THE YEAR SO FAR

Wizz Air

(Thanks to Carl Youngdahl)

A GIANT LEAP FOR HUMANITY

Don't miss the video, featuring Plunger Bob.

(Thanks to Mary)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Jellied eels – cooked and sold cold in their own stock – could soon join the ranks of haslet, stotty cake and bara birth as a dish that is only found in rare pockets of Britain.

Key Co-Byline That We Are Not Making Fun Of: Harry Wallop

We frankly don't know if we want to go on living in a world without stotty cake.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

p.s. "Bara birth?"

THE SO-CALLED 'EXPERTS' ARE ALWAYS TELLING YOU TO PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN THE BANK

And look where it gets you.

(Thanks to nursecindy, Jeff Meyerson and Cynthia)

THEY OPENED FOR THE ALCOHOLIC MONKEYS OF ST. KITTS

Megapiranha

(Thanks to frodolives and Cynthia(

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE THINKING OF TAKING A WALK IN SWEDEN

Don't.

(Thanks to Ralph)

DIDN'T THEY TOUR WITH KISS?

Alcoholic Monkeys of St. Kitts

(Thanks to Ralph)

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS, BUT WE CAN'T PUT OUR FINGER ON IT

A toilet made from poop.

(Thanks to James)

R.I.P., DUDE

(Thanks to Jonathan)

CSI: IMMACULATE CONCEPTION CARNIVAL

When questioned by police, Martin said he was with the band.However, when Wilson checked with the band, band members said Martin was not part of the group but that he had consumed all of their beer.

(Thanks to ciomaz)

THINKING OF GOING TO CRETE TO HOLD A STAG PARTY DRESSED AS NUNS?

Think again.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

STRUCTURAL ENGINEERING UPDATE FOR MEN

There have been some important advances.

(Thanks to Brian Clay and Siouxie)

BUT MAYBE IT COULD BE MODIFIED TO KILL REALLY SMALL FLYING PEOPLE

The scare was short-lived as bomb experts identified it as machine for killing mosquitoes rather than people.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF THERE IS ONE THING WE TAXPAYERS CAN ALL AGREE WE WANT $100,000 OF OUR MONEY USED FOR

...it's Wyoming toad recovery.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

OOPS

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THE BILDING BLOCKS OF CHARACTAR

Acedemics and Atheletics

(Thanks to Braniff)

HEY, IT'S FRIDAY

(oʞuıɹʇǝɯ ɹǝʇǝd oʇ sʞuɐɥʇ)

˙slıɐɯǝ uʍop-ǝpısdn puǝs llǝʍ sɐ ʇɥƃıɯ

AREN'T THERE A LOT OF DRUGS IN THAILAND? WE'RE JUST ASKING.

(Thanks to Danny, who wonders if this could be done with squirrels)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THOSE THINGS ARE STILL LEGAL

Couple accused of assault using Cheetos

(Thanks to Lindsay)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Somebody is finally doing something about pinata-related violence.

I wrote a column about this once, but I have no idea how to find it. Maybe judi will find it and link to it, if she sobers up.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

SEND THEM TO WASHINGTON

The sports and recreation committee in Malmo, Sweden, has voted to allow women to go topless in the city's swimming pools.

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHICH IS WHY GUYS GENERALLY STICK TO SPORTS

Physics discussion ends in skateboard attack

(Thanks to Jonathan and ShadowKatmandu)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now: parrots.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

NEBRASKA

Land of Mystery

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and queensbee)

SHAMELESS PLUG

My friend, co-author and bandmate Ridley Pearson has a new book out, Killer Summer. Like the other books in the Killer series, it's a crime thriller set in Sun Valley, Idaho, where Ridley once got me to climb a tree that was like 7,000 feet tall. But you should buy the book anyway.

TODAY'S TIP FOR SINGLE FLIES

Can't compete on dung? Try mating on apple pomace

(Thanks to RussellMc)