« April 2009 | Main | June 2009 »

May 19, 2009

CSI: BROOKSVILLE

Woman arrested with unusual object in pants

Key Product Name:
Big Mama's pickled sausage

(Thanks to Danny)

A GRATEFUL NATION REJOICES

Blagojevich's wife considers reality TV spot

Speaking of morons reality TV, we have this bulletin:

Kim Kardashian: Sweating Makes Me Feel Sexy

No word on how it makes her smell.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

IF YOU MUST EAT CEREAL

...get a designated driver.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

He has returned as a Cheeto.

Cheesus_175x125

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

...Detora went into the bathroom, defecated on the floor, smeared feces on the walls, and then set paper towels and toilet paper on fire.


Which is all well and good, except he did this in a police station.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie, who both note that alcohol may have been involved)

FURTHER PROOF THAT THEY ARE ALIEN BEINGS

Spider-cat climbs walls

1503302

(Thanks to Siouxie)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TAKE SERIOUSLY IN GERMANY?

Asparagus.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

May 18, 2009

24

Here is where we stand:

Jack is still dying, as he has been since approximately 1986. Last week he caught Tony, but two members of the evil cabal found Kim at the airport when her flight was delayed; they told Jack they will kill her if he doesn't let Tony go. Olivia -- played by actress Sprague Grayden, whose name can be rearranged to spell "Gay Dung Reapers" -- might get in trouble for hiring an assassin to kill Jon Voight, but frankly nobody cares about that subplot.

What we want to know is how the season will end. Will Jack die? Probably not, unless they intend to base the entire next season around his funeral. Will Tony die? Possibly, but he has died before, and he made a complete recovery. Will Kim die, either from getting whacked by the cabal or from starving to death waiting for a flight-status announcement? Will there be a mole in President Woman President's administration? Will Chloe exhibit a new facial expression?

All we can say with any certainty at this point is that Edgar will remain dead.

Be sure to stick around in the comments afterward for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve, who has been especially amazing this season. Meantime, here is your final scientific poll:

Kiefer Sutherland recently stated that the next season of "24" will be more realistic. What do you think he meant?
The writers will smoke less crack.
Jack will go to the bathroom.
Jack's cell phone will lack supercomputer capabilities, and the battery will run low.
The White House will have interior lighting.
People traveling from Point A to Point B will obey the laws of physics.
Nobody will come back from the dead.
Sometimes an actor will read a line, then burst out laughing.
When the bad guys shoot 37,000 bullets, one of them will hit something.
Chloe will spend an entire episode waiting impatiently while Vista installs important updates.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls


UPDATE: Check out the summary of the season in haiku in the comments by Ford 79, an alumnus of this blog's college, Haverford (Motto: "Real World? WHAT Real World?").

UPDATE: So Hodges died, what, less than two hours ago, and they already, at this hour, have a full legal investigation under way? With lawyers? OK! Sure!

UPDATE: Why does the president always speak as if she is addressing Labador retrievers?

UPDATE: Yeah, a door would definitely scratch your neck like that.

UPDATE: YES!!! It has been SO long since Jack shot anybody in the leg.

UPDATE: So Jack actually COULD die, and next season could consist of the evil cabal releasing his pathogen-ridden organs into major cities, possibly disguised as, I don't know, McNuggets.

UPDATE: Pepsi Throwback? PEPSI THROWBACK??

UPDATE: I'm sorry, but I don't care about the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: So the entire legal investigation took, what, 16 minutes?

UPDATE: Right, don't send the police to the airport or anything.

UPDATE: Seriously: Pepsi Throwback?

UPDATE: The other passengers are like, "Great, now we'll REALLY be delayed."

UPDATE: For the first time EVER, a cell-phone battery dies on 24!

UPDATE: I, for one, do not want to see Ethan strip-searched.

UPDATE: If they try to check his prostate, they are DEAD.

UPDATE: If you want my opinion -- and I know you do -- Jack has spent WAY too much time this season incapacitated.

UPDATE: So all of this is just so Tony can get to the top guy? Tony's actually GOOD??

UPDATE: "It was chaos!" Yep. That is exactly what shooting victims say.

UPDATE: "Hang on! Help is on the way!" Seriously.

UPDATE: Kim! Slinging the lingo!

UPDATE: "His field experience fills a knowledge gap in regards to our logistics and planning." How did she say that without losing some teeth?

UPDATE: YESSSSSSSSSSS

UPDATE: Even if they had removed all of Jack's vital organs, he would have kicked their asses.

UPDATE: I believe this is the second forklift to be used for violent purposes this season. The prop department must have gotten a deal.

UPDATE: I just want to fast-forward through the Olivia subplot.

UPDATE: Alan Wilson! I KNEW it! Or Allen Wilson.

UPDATE: They have not made the duct tape that can hold Jack Bauer.

UPDATE: Let's see: Jack, who is dying, has to get out of handcuffs, get rid of the bomb and overpower like 15 thugs. OK!

UPDATE: Renee knows the trigger mechanism and can disarm it! You don't let go of a gal like that.

UPDATE: I get the feeling Tony does not care for Alan. Or Allen.

UPDATE: So they got Allen or Alan, and Tony is in custody... So what happens in the final half-hour? It has to be a Big Surprise, yes? They certainly can't be putting all their chips on resolving the Olivia subplot, right? RIGHT??

UPDATE: "Do you regret anything that you did today?" "Some of the dialog, yes."

UPDATE: Oh, no. Not Henry. Please.

UPDATE: We are WASTING TIME ON THIS SUBPLOT, writers.

UPDATE: This would be much more powerful if we didn't know that Kiefer has signed for another season.

UPDATE: OK, this has turned into a soap opera.

UPDATE: Renee is now... Jack!

UPDATE: I guess we're all pretty shocked that Kim wants to do the stem-cell procedure.

UPDATE: OK, that started off in a promising manner, but it totally deflated after they caught Allen, or Alan, and we didn't even get to see Renee beat him up. I don't know about you, but I do NOT feel satisfied. This season -- in many ways, my LIFE -- peaked with the frogpersons in the White House. Since then it has been, meh. I leave you now with The Amazing Steve.

FINALLY, CANADA TAKES ACTION

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Jeff Meyerson)

MEN, YOU KNOW HOW WE ARE ALWAYS TELLING YOU NOT TO CLICK ON A LINK, AND YOU DO ANYWAY?

We really mean it this time.

("Thanks" to catmanmax)

YOU WANT TO SAVE THE 911 CALL FOR THE BIG STUFF, SUCH AS FAILURE TO MOW THE LAWN

BEDFORD: An Ohio man who argued with his grown son over a messy bedroom says he overreacted when he called 911....

The father declined to press charges and told police he doesn't want to ruin his son's political career. The younger Mizsak works as a political consultant and is a school board member in Bedford, a Cleveland suburb.

(Thanks to Collins69s and Jonathan Carl)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE FROM THE S.B.

At the lake near my library, ibis are prevalent; catching them mid-flight can be tricky...

 Yikesx

So of course you check to see if you got the shot. But what's that thing on the right side of the pict... yikes!

Yikes2


REMINDER

It's a two-hour show tonight, starting at 8 p.m. Eastern Season Finale Time. Be at this url, or be a person who is just about to hurl.

Resume_puking

THIS IS CLEARLY GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

Key Scenes: Shark attacks on the Golden Gate Bridge and a commercial jet.

(Thanks to Linda Pocatelli, who says this apparently is a real movie)

THIS IS TOO EASY

Tourist stung 500 times as bees invade French art gallery

(Thanks to Bethany Hamblen)

AS SOON AS HE GETS TO THEIR HOUSE, HE WILL RIP THEIR BEST SOFA TO SHREDS

A London couple traveled nearly 4,000 miles to the US state of Michigan adopt a cat.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT FEET

Garfield Statue Loses Head

(Doo-dah, doo-dah)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING BACK TO DISNEY WORLD

The Love Park is gone.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

WE DO NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM IN OUR HOUSE

"Org porn is that glossy, airbrushed fantasy world where everything is pristine, serene and perfectly in order, sort of Playboy, but with chore charts and name-plated cubbyholes."

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WAIT... CONTACT WHOM?

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

May 17, 2009

THE POST HUNT

It went pretty well, in the sense that somebody won and nobody perished, as far as we know. There will be lots of coverage here. Thanks to all who came out and tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

UPDATE

Here in Washington they are literally flinging money around.05172009293.jpg

UPDATE

I think Joe Biden is here somewhere.05172009292.jpg

UPDATE

05172009289.jpg

UPDATE

Andy the TropicHunt.com guy is here. He expects to lose.05172009291.jpg

UPDATE

Here are Gene and Tom, with a structure we had built just for the Hunt.05172009287.jpg

WHEN BANANAS ARE OUTLAWED

...etc.

(Thanks to Dave Rogers, Horace LaBadie and DavCat)

SPORTS UPDATE

The winker has apologised for being a snatcher after being branded a plonker

We assume this is good.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HE WON'T GET FAR WITHOUT AN AIR PUMP

Sex thief steals Pamela Anderson blow-up doll

Key Term: "staff member"

(Thanks to Ralph)

HUNT UPDATE

There is no Hunt Update at this time. But during the day I will attempt to post updates from my phone. Or, depending on how things go, from jail.

May 16, 2009

HUNT UPDATE

I have arrived in Washington. I would describe the mood of the city, on the eve of The Washington Post Hunt, as tense, but calm, with a chance of rain. We're putting the last-minute touches on the Hunt puzzles, which will be interesting this year, especially the waterboarding one. NO! WAIT! I NEVER SAID THAT!

WHEN IT GETS OUT, IT WILL PEE ON HER FEET

The Dog-o-Matic

Article-1183016-04F54772000005DC-273_634x434

(Thanks to Danny and Siouxie)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE HAVE THE FIRST AMENDMENT

Journalist on trial for killing fish with shampoo

(Thanks to Ralph)

May 15, 2009

REMINDER

The Washington Post Hunt is Sunday, starting at noon in downtown D.C. I'll be there, along with my co-planners, Tom "Tom" Shroder and Gene "Small Oosik" Weingarten. We think it's going to be a great Hunt. Of course, we always think it's going to be a great Hunt, right up until the National Guard arrives.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED A FEDERAL BAN ON THOSE THINGS

Man in Snuggie attempted burglary

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

So Warren police on Monday shot a Taser electroshock weapon — hitting what turned out to be a large toy cougar right in the stuffing.

(Thanks to Jimmy Madigan)

HE SANG SELECTIONS FROM 'MADAME BUTTERMILK'

Ice cream maker flies in Italian tenor to sing to cows

MarcelloBedoni_cow_1403821c

(Thanks to Danny)

Maybe they should fly in this guy:

6a00d83451587d69e200e551e7fc188834-800wi

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Now they're forcing us to cover up our barbecue mannequins.

Background story here, including this Key Quote: "She's my own stimulus package."

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IT'S ABOUT BLEEPING TIME

Blago Volumizing Shampoo and Conditioner

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

A woman got the Eiffel Tower stuck in her hand:

Eiffel-tower-x-ray-image-1-698068971

(Thanks to Danny)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: a fried potato.

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

UPDATE: Also, a burrito.

(Thanks to Danny)

DUDE

Wanna go fishing?

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

ANOTHER THING WE LOVE ABOUT GUYS

They are not choosy.

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE NEW HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH

(Thanks to catmanmax)

YOU THINK SOCCER'S NOT A ROUGH SPORT?

Think again.

(Thanks to Danny)

May 14, 2009

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are big fans of nature.

WHAT, NO TATTOO?

"Jesus in jeans"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HARD TO ARGUE

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

Discussion Question: Why do older guys do that to their hair?

KEITH RICHARDS REMEMBERS ME!

Or Jake Barry. Or somebody.

At about the one-minute mark.

(Thanks to Josh Kelly, drummer of the world-famous Rock Bottom Remainders)

IS OUR TEENAGERS LEARNING?

Key Excerpt from Police Report:

"The passenger in the suspect vehicle, later identified as Alex Skupien, was laughing and shouted, 'You guys got any weed?'" Granto and Palermo wrote.

According to police, Belviso, noticed the word "police" in big white letters on the vests Granto and Palermo were wearing.

"(Expletive!) They are (expletive) cops," Belviso yelled out.


(Thanks to Allen at Division)

 
Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | Copyright | About The Miami Herald | Advertise