Dave Barry's Blog

IMAGINE WHAT THEY WOULD DO FOR BEER

The Annual Cheese Rolling.

I'm attempting to embed a video here, and I don't really know how. If it doesn't work, judi will of course be fired.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE LOVE OUR DOG

But there's a limit.

BUTT HOLE ROAD UPDATE

The end of an era.

(Thanks to DavCat)

FINALLY, SOMEBODY IS DOING SOMETHING

A Minnesota man takes on mulletism.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

For some reason we feel compelled to link to this.

WHO'S UP FOR A SWIM?

Not us.

The Good News: Nevertheless, health officials insist that swimming in and even swallowing urine-contaminated water isn't harmful to someone's health.

ATTENTION, BRIDES-TO-BE

Nothing says "I DO" like a machine gun on full auto.

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Boat flies out of Square Pond, lands in trees

(Thanks to Ralph and DjTonyB)

WE JUST USE THE OVEN

(Thanks to DavCat and Heather)

WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU MARK YOUR PLACE

Horror story printed on toilet paper in Japan

MEMORIAL DAY FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

It seemed an appropriate day to offer up some positive thoughts for our troops at the prayer circle at the Baptist Church up the road:

which is watched over by a (protected) burrowing owl:

MEMORIAL DAY

Have a good one. But remember why it's called Memorial Day, and tell your kids.

Related link for Veterans and their families, thanks to nursecindy.

SOCCER TOURNAMENT UPDATE

After yesterday's game (we won't talk about it) (except to say that there were girls on the other team who were probably professionals) (and had moustaches) our team went to Disney Animal Kingdom, where, among many other animals, we saw these giant bats (see CrapCam photo below) that hang from clotheslines and eat watermelons, which are able to leap as high as 15 feet, thus enabling the bats to catch them.

SOCCER TOURNAMENT UPDATE

The bad news is, our team is getting creamed. The good news is, one of the younger brothers found, quote, "a magical ball of poo."

SOCCER TOURNAMENT UPDATE

This doesn't bode well.

OUT OF HERE

I'm going to spend the weekend watching my daughter and her friends run around and fall down and cheer and cry and hug each other in a big soccer tournament, so I won't be blogging much, if at all. You crazy guys and gals have a good weekend.

CRIME DOES NOT PAY

Would-be gangster shoots off own manhood

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DEMAND A RECOUNT

A study ranking states by driving ability does not have Florida last.

(Thanks to hockey pup)

CSI: FOND DU LAC

Someone donning an ape costume entered Kwik Trip at 1123 W. Johnson St. late Wednesday or early Thursday and took the banana display, said Fond du Lac Police Department Capt. Steve Klein.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and nursecindy)

YUCK

Worms crawl in, don't crawl out at Calif. morgue

(Thanks to DavCat)

CALL US CRAZY, BUT WE THINK ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

(Thanks to bb1diane)

BECAUSE, DARN IT, IF NOBODY DOES ANYTHING, THEN NOTHING WILL GET DONE

Do your part for Roanoke Earthquake Relief.

(Thanks to jon harris)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WAS A CLASSY AFFAIR

Groom arrested at wedding reception in spat over saggy pants

(Thanks to queensbee)

AN OPTION YOU DON'T GET WITH VOICEMAIL

Angry customer bites off electrician's ear

(Thanks to Jonathan Carl)

AS SOON AS HE GETS OUT OF PRISON

...this man will receive a Florida driver's license.

Be sure to watch the video.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

CRIMINALLY MISLEADING WEBSITE OF THE DAY

www.wellhungmeat.com/

(Thanks a big freaking heap to Danny)

MEANWHILE IN SPACE...

Wakata's fellow astronauts may have noticed that he does not change his underpants very often.

(Thanks to trustf8)

OLYMPIC SPIRIT UPDATE

Dude, don't bogart the torch.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

FOR YOUR NEXT PARTY OR CORPORATE FUNCTION

Snail Boy

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HE APPEARS ON AMERICA'S GOT TALENT

(Thanks to Danny)

THIS JUST IN

(Thansk to trustf8)

URGENT BREAKING BOFFIN UPDATE

Whatever would we do without them?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

YET ANOTHER TROUBLED INDUSTRY PLEADS FOR A BAILOUT

(Thanks to Mr. Ken Layne at Wonkette)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away an individual's right to use a snake as a jump rope.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jon Harris)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

PORT ST. LUCIE — A 39-year-old man accused of battling police and daring an officer to use pepper spray was arrested after saying, “Someone put a ditch in my truck,” according to recently release records.

(Thanks to Danny)

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET BACK

Woman loses tooth, gets hand stuck in Mets toilet

Key Quote: It's unclear if the toilet had to be destroyed to free her.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard, Siouxie, Andrew Hoenig and Martini Shark. And Danny and oneblankspace. And Emily J.)

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

 

Ha ha, just kidding. It's actually an update on this item.

 

(Thanks to Ellie Brecher, who - even though she'd read the above story - tackled the newsroom fridge, sans hazmat gear. "I was looking for some immediate job satisfaction.")

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Operating like a sort of Wikipedia for the boring bits of films, it lets users nominate moments in films where the plot dawdles, and urination may safely take place. An approximate point in the film's running time is given for each pee-opportunity, along with a brief description of what you'll see onscreen when the toilet-window opens.

The runpee.com site is here.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE WAS TO THREATEN TO GUM HIM

Staten Island man used gun to reclaim false teeth from business associate, cops say

(Thanks to Danny)

A FUNDAMENTAL RIGHT IS REAFFIRMED

Goose shooter cleared over wayward toilet seat pot shot

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

YEEPERS

Shrew Shot Venom Through Blood-Red Teeth

"Mega Shrew" would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER UPDATE

If the Dog is after you, it's best not to run.

VINDICATION AT LAST

MIAMI WILDLIFE UPDATE

Here's a blurry taken-from-the-car CrapCam photo of one of the neighborhood peacocks. He didn't show us his full foliage, because he saves that to wow the female peacocks, and despite having a tiny head he figured out that our car is not one of them.

 

IT'S SCARY OUT THERE

En route to Summit County Jail, the man told the officer “that he was 468 years old, and was being hunted across the country by priests, nuns and monks,” according to the report.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

A SHAMELESS PLEA TO WOMEN

I'm working on a book of humor essays, and I'm thinking about including a chapter in which I attempt to answer questions that women have about men, such as:
-- Why can't men find fairly large objects inside a refrigerator?
-- Why are men so fascinated by bazooms, even when they are clearly artificial?
And so on. I can't promise I'll use all the questions. For that matter, I can't even promise that this idea will work. But if I do use any questions, I'll give credit in the book to the women who asked them. So if you're a woman, and there's something about men that has been puzzling you, please ask your question in the comments section. Thanks.  

UPDATE: OK, I'm closing off the comments. Thanks to everybody. That was a truly terrifying awesome response.

SWINE FLU UPDATE

It's worse than we feared.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BECAUSE THE MEDIA NEED ALL THE HELP THEY CAN GET

Vancouver sex trade workers to be offered media training prior to Olympics

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

A SERIOUS CONSUMER THREAT AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Exploding Patio Furniture

Key Excerpt Implicating a Known Convicted Felon: Yvonne took her search to the Internet and found hundreds of complaints about the Martha Stewart patio table exploding.

(Thanks to Danny)