Dave Barry's Blog

SANDUSKY CRIME UPDATE

Sandusky is finally cracking down on unauthorized lawn-mowing of city parks.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

OUTRAGE

In this blog's legal opinion, if something is called a "see-through" swimsuit, you should be able to see through it.

(Thanks to Malcolm Hoar)

BY LAW YOU HAVE TO OFFER, AT MINIMUM, LASAGNA

If you owe the IRS money, do not offer the agent pizza

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and nursecindy)

WE THOUGHT IT FELL OFF YEARS AGO

Jacko scared that his nose will fall off

(Thanks to Ralph)

EVEN FOR SQUIRRELS, THIS IS LOW

(Thanks to Clown Puppy, jon harris, Gary, Horace LaBadie, Cynthia, Jeff Meyerson, DavCat and Rich Klinzman)

GOOD TIMES IN ARGYLL

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THERE'S ALWAYS BEER

Marine experts have given 25 octopuses a Rubik's Cube each in a study aimed at easing their stress levels in captivity.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now: turkeys.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Update: Also, deer.

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

A Pittsburgh-area teenager has been suspended from middle school when a random search turned up an eyebrow shaver in her handbag. Officials at Linton Middle School in Penn Hills recommended at a Wednesday disciplinary hearing that 15-year-old be expelled for the rest of this year and 45 days next year.

(Thanks to jon harris)

UPDATE

PRINCIPAL OF THE YEAR SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Jonathan Carl)

THE APOCALYPSE IS AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

(Thanks to Andy Walker)

HAVE NO FEAR, RESIDENTS OF TARPON SPRINGS

The police are ready to spring into action any year now.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

NOW THEY'RE USING BRAZEN PARROTS

Which would, of course, be a good name for a rock band

(Thanks to cynthia, Allen at Division, Jeff Meyerson, and Russell Mc)

IF ONLY THERE'D BEEN A TARANTULA...

Aloha man calls 9-1-1 over botched fast-food order

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Lorn Ray and Jonathan Carl)

UPDATE

Here we are with Clifford the Big Red Dog. God help us if he breaks wind.

STRUMPDATE

Blogging from me will be sporadic today: I'm with Ridley at the booksellers convention in New York, where we're strumpeting in Full Trollop Mode for our new book. So far I have nothing to report except that last night we ate at a restaurant called Wildwood Barbeque, where I got a T-shirt that says, "You mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park."

ECONOMIC UPDATE

Now, on top of the sagging men's-underwear index, we get troubling signs from Latvian-hooker futures.

(Thanks to CJrun)

WE ASSUME HE'S SINGLE

A former steel worker from East London has secured his place in the record books by moving 17kg of live maggots from one container to another - in his mouth.

(Thanks to Ralph)

YET ANOTHER REASON WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN CATS

Dogs can fly.

(Thanks to trustf8)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER SHOE

Police Called To Kill Huge Tarantula In Calif.

(Thanks to Ralph)

BECAUSE WE, AS A NATION, CANNOT GET ENOUGH STUPID

The Wearable Towel!

(Thanks to Glen Page)

TULSA

Standing Tall

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

Omigod.

(Thanks to jon harris)

NOT YET, DAMMIT!

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy and Chuck)

YOU WILL BE RELIEVED TO LEARN THAT THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...also applies to ships.

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

NOTHING HERE TO SEE

Those of you who have no lives whatsoever been around this blog a while may recall when we got involved in an exploding-cow controversy with Wikipedia, which concluded that the exploding-cow problem was imaginary. Fine. We will let bygones be bygones, and not reopen any old wounds with a can of worms by linking to this imaginary story.

Key Imaginary Quote: "I got a call from my dad, who was driving along the motorway, to say cows were exploding."

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

CSI: FLATHEAD VALLEY

(Thanks to Sue Jenkins)

JESUS SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now: Marmite.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPEAKING OF MOTHRA...

Beware of Rubberduckzilla.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb and Peter Metrinko)

HIGHER EDUCATION UPDATE

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson)

FIRST MOTHRA, AND NOW THIS

Scientists in Japan have created luminous designer monkeys.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff, who notes that Luminous Designer Monkeys would be a good etc.)

Update: Another story here.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

WE GIVE HIM EIGHT MINUTES TOPS

Freddie Prinze Jr. joins '24'

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

WE'RE IN TROUBLE

Guys, if you want to know where the economy is headed next, look in your underwear drawer.

(Thanks to Colleen Tolton)

OTHER THAN THAT, IT WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH

The hearse driver for a Bogota funeral home stopped for a beer and failed to deliver a body to the cemetery while the family waited, police said.

(Thanks to trustf8)

YOU CAN HAVE MY CARROTS WHEN YOU PRY THEM FROM MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, NEBRASKA CRIMESTOPPERS:

Do you recognize this man?

(Thanks to somebody whose email I appear to have deleted, making it necessary to fire judi)

THIS IS WHY, FOR SELF-DEFENSE, WE CARRY AN EMU

Man Uses Live Swan to Beat up Victim

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

GOOD SAMARITAN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Danny)

ASK YOUR TRAVEL AGENT!

Why is there buttock stabbing in Rome?

(Thanks to Jeff Arch)

IF IT WERE NOT FOR THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...we would probably be tempted to link to this.

(Thanks to fivver)

IRS EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Cynthia)

ATTENTION CAR-OWNERS

Make sure you have caterpillar coverage.

(Thanks to catmanmax and Siouxie)

WOOF

The PowerLoo

(Thanks to many people)

OUR FIRST THOUGHT WAS: SILICONE

Giant Blob Found Deep Beneath Nevada

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard, Laurie and ShadowKatmandu)

CANADA: OUR INSANE FASCINATING NEIGHBOR TO THE NORTH

Governor General eats raw seal heart to support hunters

(Thanks to jon harris)

REMEMBER:

Don't drink and clown.

(Thanks to David Rogers)

SOUNDS LIKE A NORMAL SATURDAY NIGHT IN MIAMI

HOLDEN, Maine — Wanted: a few dozen individuals willing to spend a night howling like wolves in Maine’s North Woods, and who won’t be scared off if they get a response.

(Thanks to Danny)

CSI: NEBRASKA

Lincoln police Capt. Bob Kawamoto says the man walked into a Kwik Shop convenience store before dawn Monday wearing an empty Bud Light box on his head as a mask.

(Thanks to Jeff Sutton, queensbee and Jonathan)

IS OUR BASEBALL TEEMS LEARNING?

The Natinals strike again.

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)