A SHAMELESS PLEA TO WOMEN

I'm working on a book of humor essays, and I'm thinking about including a chapter in which I attempt to answer questions that women have about men, such as:
-- Why can't men find fairly large objects inside a refrigerator?
-- Why are men so fascinated by bazooms, even when they are clearly artificial?
And so on. I can't promise I'll use all the questions. For that matter, I can't even promise that this idea will work. But if I do use any questions, I'll give credit in the book to the women who asked them. So if you're a woman, and there's something about men that has been puzzling you, please ask your question in the comments section. Thanks.  

UPDATE: OK, I'm closing off the comments. Thanks to everybody. That was a truly terrifying awesome response.

Comments

[Mike Antonucci]

You write humor essays?

[djtonyb]

*grabs a bag of Cheezus and waits for the hilarity to ensue*

[Tash]

Why can't they control their gaseous releases? At least sometimes?

[sthnbelle]

Why must men of all ages see what is on EVERY POSSIBLE CHANNEL every 5 minutes?

[Moosensquirrel]

From a guy who often gets asked questions by a particular woman (not that I ever answer):

"Why do guys only cry during sports movies?"

[judi]

why do they not wake THEMSELVES up when they snore? they certainly wake up everyone *else*.

[Wizzy]

Why do men pretend to listen to what their wives are saying/asking - it will only come back to haunt them later causing more stress when the husband exhibits shock over something - and the wife is annoyed, "Because we talked about it and you said you agreed!"

Why do men rip out paneling and promise to put drywall up in the living room "by Christmas" knowing full well that the wife believes this to be the upcoming Christmas, when in fact, the husband does not intend to put the drywall up for another 3 years. Why rip the paneling out 3 years ahead of time? Do men LIKE to see brown paper "insulation" walls? Does the Owens Corning logo, repeated over and over (and usually upside down) look that much better than paneling?

Yes, I have issues.

[nursecindy]

Why do all men bend over and grab certain parts of their anatomy, while making noises of pain, when another man has been hit in a certain part of his anatomy? They do this even if the victim is on TV,thousands of miles away, and they are sitting safely in their recliners at home.

[frodolives]

Dave, your material has already been written... Do you ever actually READ this blog you've created? But, you've asked for the female, feminine, womanly, [read, "refined"] imput, so I bow out...

[Tash]

Dave, take your entire "guide to guys," and put a Why in front of each topic...

[wiredog]

Judi,
I have, on occasion, been known to wake myself up with my snoring.

And, yes, I am currently single...

[Mr. Completely]

I got one: Why do men put up with all this crap?

[Siouxie]

Why can't men put the damn seat DOWN after they pee??

[wiredog]

Mr. Completely,
Because they have so much of what we have none of. And they smell nice.

[sthnbelle]

What's with the neck-craning, eye-popping response to an attractive woman walking by when guys have a perfectly beautiful one sitting next to them? I get the whole "just because I've already ordered, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu" thing, but COME ON....

[nursecindy]

Why is it a woman can redecorate an entire room (paint, new pillows, new drapes, etc.) and a man will never notice it? But use his 'favorite' screwdriver or wrench, put it back in the wrong place, and he feels like the universe has shifted and can tell immediately that it is missing when he enters the garage?

[daisyj]

Why is it that no household project, no matter how small, requires the purchase of a large piece of equipment, such as a power washer?

[Siouxie]

Forget the fact that men will stare at anything with a boob - but why do they pretend to be looking elsewhere??

[Steve Haller]

Will you also be seeking input from men as to what questions they want answered about women? Seems only fair...

[Siouxie]

Btw, just how LONG will this essay be, Dave?? There is much to ask about men.

[Steve Haller]

And by the way Siouxie, if you saw a woman with only one boob I think you'd stare too...

(these women don't count...)

[Siouxie]

Fine...two boobs.

[queensbee]

Are men deaf? They may have doggie-level hearing.
why do they not answer questions such as: can you remove the garbage? will you help lift this big, heavy thing?, and would you please change the baby's diaper? YET, if an announcer on a car radio 3 streets over says that football tickets are going to be on sale for 2 minutes between 12:00 am-12:02 am on christmas morning, those guys not only hear that, but rush over to where they can get the tickets. they heard that, didn't they?
Can ya answer that, bunkie?

[wiredog]

Didn't Gene and Gina already cover this territory?

[Siouxie]

queenie, it's called selective hearing.

[ken in sc]

Why do men not hold their gas in? Because if they did they would get diverticulitis like my sister just did. She had to have 10 feet of her intestines removed because she has been holding it in all these years. Let it out or it balloons in your insides. Think about it. We were taught this in high altitude physical training in the Air Force. This is not a joke.

[sthnbelle]

Why do guys put empty and/or bottles with less than teaspoon of whatever left back in the refridgerator?

[Anna]

"So if you're a woman, and there's something about men that has been puzzling you"

LOL.. shouldn't you maybe put a limit on the questions? 'cause my list could get mighty long

;-)

[wiredog]

Siouxie,
It's the mathematical nature of the boobs that attract us. Such lovely second order curves, rotated nicely through 3-space.

It's why we also like butts. Nice, round, butts.

Time to go integrate. And maybe derive. And, who knows, maybe even find some limits...

[crazy_lazy_bear]

If you're going to take Steve Haller suggestion, here's one: Why is it when a man does something, like spill something on the floor, the woman will say: "You no good so-and-so. You spilled something on the floor." However, when the woman does the EXACT SAME THING, she will say: "You no good so-and-so. Aren't you going to help me clean up what I spilled on the floor?" I have issues too.

[Siouxie]

Do men every grow up??

[queensbee]

selective hearing perhaps - or is it? they hear the way doggies do - woof, woof, woof woof car... woof woof woof, woof ... garbage....

I would also like to know why men think that the mechanics of their cars are important, but inside the actual car can be a pigsty! throw out those coffee cups, last year's pizzabox with pizza included, and a bunch of tissues or napkins or something, all bunched up all over the place, and for cryin out loud - take your gym clothes out and wash em! PU!

[nursecindy]

When are men going to figure out that women ALWAYS know when they are not telling the truth? There is a little thing all men do when trying to evade the truth which I cannot divulge here. And no it's not because their lips are moving.

[sthnbelle]

Why do they always have to have the newest electronics, even if what they're replacing has only been in their possesion for 6 months or less?

[Jeff Meyerson]

Do men LIKE to see brown paper "insulation" walls? Does the Owens Corning logo, repeated over and over (and usually upside down) look that much better than paneling?

Well, since you asked, yeah.

And when do we get equal time, Dave?

Why do guys put empty and/or bottles with less than teaspoon of whatever left back in the refridgerator?

Posted by: sthnbelle | May 19, 2009 at 01:47 PM

sthnbelle, it's my wife who is guilty of that particular "crime."

[Danny, channeling hypothetical female]

What is it that you see in the two-hundred-bazillionth-and-first ESPN highlight of a slam dunk (home run sailing over the center-field fence, running back stretching across the goal line, etc., etc.) that you missed in the previous two hundred bazillion?

Also: What makes you so sure I don't look fat in this?

[Jeff Meyerson]

oops

[sthnbelle]

Why don't they understand that clothes do not magically put themselves into the hamper OR magically show up, clean, ironed and folded in their drawers or closet?

[Siouxie]

Why does Jeff refuse to "preview" when using HTML codes?? ;-P

Dave, I think you may regret asking this.

[danaut92]

Why, why, WHY do men ask women for their take on an issue, only to disregard it as bunk until some guy friend of theirs answers the same question in the exact same way? And then they forget that the woman already told them the answer? Why?

[Not My Usual Alias]

Whew. Nothing about drinking directly from the milk jug, OJ carton or 2 quart tupperware.

My wife chose a dish pattern that she thought would make it impossible for three members of her household to drink from a bowl.

We fooled her. We're just a lot more messy now.

[boo]

Italics fixed?

[frodolives]

Nursecindy, it was a SOCKET DRIVER, and that's where it belonged in the tool box... (Wyo told me...)

[Maria McLeese]

Why can't a man tighten the cap on the mayo, salad dressing or pasta sauce?
Why do I have to do all the grilling?
Why does he blame me when he can't find something when it is he who put it there in the first place?
Why is he addicted to Ebay?
Why does he think he has to own every baseball bobble head known to exist?
Why do we have subscriptions to NYT, WSJ, Time, Newsweek, EW, VF, local paper, SI, Texas Monthly when all I want is The Enquier???

There, I feel better.

[boo]

fixed now?

[mumster]

Why do men think that grilling is a cooking technique to be employed remotely, from the comfort of indoors while refilling the martini shaker? And after they have built a fire about 200 percent larger than needed?

[boo]

Why can't men fix italics?

For that matter, why can't women?

[Dorakay]

Why do men have to have a TV that is as big as the house?

[SharonCville]

Why don't men ever just read the instructions? Or ask for directions?

[Alfred]

Why is it in movies, that men are thought to be acting natural, when about every other line makes guys feel creepy. Especially if it is more about women? Do Women actually think guys walk around talking like that to their friends?

[judi]

okay i think it's fixed....

[Bãrön vønKlýff]

Here's a question about women. I know that that was not what was asked, but still....

When it comes to decorating, why do women need to choose between 45 different shades of white?

Oh, and as for questions about men... why do men insist on answering questions that were never asked in the first place?

[queensbee]

and dave - be prepared for the onslaught on this thread. YOU asked!

[judi]

ooh, that's a GOOD one...

Why, why, WHY do men ask women for their take on an issue, only to disregard it as bunk until some guy friend of theirs answers the same question in the exact same way? And then they forget that the woman already told them the answer? Why?

Posted by: danaut92 | May 19, 2009 at 01:59 PM

[frodolives]

Why can't a man just shut up about how another man should not be throwing side-arm after having had "Tommy John" surgery, when said man has never been through that!?

[judi]

neil: go search google images for "toilet" and report back.

[Sarah]

Why is it that men have to change the channel whenever a show goes into a commercial break? We'll start out watching a decent show that we both seem to have an interest in. As soon as the first commercial break comes on, my boyfriend has the remote in hand and is flipping through the channels. He'll settle on another show, usually one that I don't care about and which goes into a commercial break within a minute or two. Then he flips through the channels and settles on another show until IT goes into a commercial break. I don't think he's ever seen any show, except for maybe a football game, all the way through.

[Jeff Meyerson]

Siouxie, blame pypetad for that one.

And why do women use every "man" stereotype not just to talk about their men (or former men) but ALL men, including those of us who are neat, never leave things on the floor or in the car, clean up after ourselves and do the cleaning and laundry, etc.?

And no, this is not made up and I am NOT a woman.

;)

[sthnbelle]

Why do so many men think being a stay at home mom is SO much easier than working 9 to 5?

[Jeff Meyerson]

OK, I will cop to the directions thing, but not the rest.

[Siouxie]

Why can't they hold their OWN beer whilst doing some some stupid stunt??

[Siouxie]

-some

[Alina W]

Why do men feel whenever they are hurt, they can announce they now know what the pain of child birth feels like?

[padraig]

I know this is for generating questions, not answers, but I feel I should mention that the answer to most of the questions about men is "We like shiny new toys." That should take care of sailboats, electronics, and fake boobs (and their life support systems) anyway.

There is one thing that is tremendously popular among many men other than me that I have never understood: pornography, or near pornography, featuring two women. (Think the movie "Wild Things.") Maybe I'm excessively heterosexual or something.

[Steve Haller]

Why does Jeff refuse to "preview" when using HTML codes?? ;-P

Dave, I think you may regret asking this.

Posted by: Siouxie | May 19, 2009 at 01:59 PM

________

Siouxie (and judi) -- What I find is that if I do use Preview -- usually because I included a URL and want to make sure it opens up as it should -- after I've previewed it and go to hit Post, everything I typed in has been deleted, and i have to start over. So it may not be Jeff's fault, simply another Typepad problem. Best solution is to read your post thru thoroughly before you hit Post...

[ron]

The answers to some of the questions is:sex, and the dog looks funny with the toilet seat sitting on his head when he's getting a drink.

[Siouxie]

Why do men have the need to constantly be checking the package?? (iykwim) Making sure it's still there??

[The REAL Rod]

Neil...Because the terlet is used by both genders for two separate but equal activities. For one activity, both genders require the seat to be down. For the other, only the male requires that the seat be raised. Therefore, the default position is seat down.

And if you start estimating how often anybody does any particular thing, I'm going to plug my ears and go la la la la la la.

[Betsy]

whoops!

[RelapsedCat]

Why do men blow their noses in the shower? And, no, they don't bring hankies or tissues in there with them, they just BLOW.

[Jeff Meyerson]

While we're asking questions, how could CBS cancel The Unit while D@vid C@ruso mugs up the screen every week?

Huh?

[Siouxie]

Jeff, that brings me to my next question:

Why do men have the attention span of a fruit fly?

[Punkin]

Why do men use the soap bar as a washcloth?

Why do they not understand why women will not TOUCH the soap bar? (We use shower gel, thank-you-very-much.)

[sthnbelle]

Why do so many men assume that the most complicated thing women ever think of is shoes or maybe puppies?? Just because I have boobs means I don't have a brain??

[frodolives]

judi/danaut92... you just don't phrase it the way a guy understands the English language... If you start off with something like, "So it EXPLODED, see!! Here, hold my beer!" we're right with you!! Then we'd say, "my wife/girlfriend/[Vancouver sex trade worker] told me so, so not only THERE!, but THERE AGAIN!!"

[Punkin]

Why do men combine all of the leftovers (tuna salad, chinese rice & spaghetti, let's say) into one pan and sit in front of the TV eating it with a spoon having not ever actually heated anything up????

[Betsy]

Why can't the same men who can't answer their own questions ("Where are my socks?") insist on answering every rhetorical question that ever leaves your lips? ("When the h*ll am I going to do all this laundry?" "Well, if you put a load in the washer every morning before you coddle my egg for breakfast, it should be done by the time you finish putting on your make-up, and then you can put it in the dryer while you drive me to work. That way...." etc, etc, etc.

[wiredog]

What were we talking about?

[Siouxie]

Why can't men look at women in the eyes when talk...

HEY!! UP HERE!!

[Punkin]

Why is Cats' shower so slippery?

[Betsy]

Obviously that should have been "Why do...", not "Why can't..."

(Now some male person will tell me to preview. *Sigh*)

[Braniff]

Jeff M: I agree. Most of these complaints are things my wife does (flipping channels, dirty car, laundry on the floor...).

[Jeff Meyerson]

Why do men combine all of the leftovers (tuna salad, chinese rice & spaghetti, let's say) into one pan and sit in front of the TV eating it with a spoon having not ever actually heated anything up????

Posted by: Punkin | May 19, 2009 at 02:27 PM

Good one, Punkin. My late father in law did that all the time!

[Punkin]

Why do men shake & sweat in the window treatment section of major department stores?

Why do men not even notice we have window treatments? (That means "curtains")

[Siouxie]

Why do men come back with every other imaginable grocery item except the ONE DAMN THING YOU ASKED FOR????

hmmmm?

[Betsy]

P.S. Dave, I think you have already covered a great deal of this territory -- in particular, I cling fervently to your revelation that when a woman asks "What are you thinking about?", and her husband answers "Nothing", this is not a cop-out, but a perfectly honest answer.

[Dorakay]

Why do so many men assume that the most complicated thing women ever think of is shoes or maybe puppies?? Just because I have boobs means I don't have a brain??

Posted by: sthnbelle

Love this one...especially when it comes to putting things together or dealing with new electronics. Can't begin to count the times something has been taken out of my hands because I would never be able to put it together myself.

[Bãrön vønKlýff]

Siouxie, we can look you in the eyes when you are talking, however we won't hear you because we are distracted by forcing ourselves not to look down. If you want us to pay attention to what is being said, don't distract us by making us avert our gaze.

[snif]

Why do guys have to pretend?

I'll be watching Dancing with the Stars, and my husband will say "I'm going into the bedroom to watch baseball." Five minutes later I peek in to find him watching...Dancing with the Stars. Oh, I guess there must have been a commercial on the baseball channel.

[frodolives]

But, Siouxie, IT WAS ON SALE!!!

[DaninIA]

Why do men have the attention span of a fruit fly?

Posted by: Siouxie | May 19, 2009 at 02:24 PM Why can't men look at women in the eyes when talk...

HEY!! UP HERE!!

Posted by: Siouxie | May 19, 2009 at 02:27 PM

Siouxie you answered your own question!

[jon]

Wonders just how many men have woken Judi with their snores??
NTTAWWT.

[Punkin]

Why do men fear being hit on by a gay guy, but then feel rejected when they aren't??

[Danny, channeling hypothetical female]

What's a "window treatment"?

[Danny]

Wait, that wasn't a channeled comment.

[frodolives]

goes to buy stock in "Window Treatments"...

[Punkin]

Danny - The "window treatment" is all you can afford at an Amsterdam brothel.

[Dorakay]

Why do men come back with every other imaginable grocery item except the ONE DAMN THING YOU ASKED FOR????

hmmmm?

Posted by: Siouxie | May 19, 2009 at 02:31 PM

Or why do they come home with the most fattening and hard to resist thing they can find in the store, knowing damn well you're on a diet, and then tell you "well you don't have to eat any of it".

[Account Deleted]

Why don't men ever clean their "shavings" out of the bathroom sink ?
Why do young men need so much toilet paper ?
Can anyone explain the "shove factor" ?
*when, instead of putting things away neatly, they just get "shoved" into wherever they sorta-kinda-almost belong*

[Pannus]

Padraig,

If it's two nekked women instead of one nekked man and one nekked woman, the person viewing doesn't have to feel inadequate about certain giftedness (or lack thereof). I would estimate that at least 50% men prefer the two women over the one man/one woman scenerio.