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April 22, 2009

FORTUNATELY, EVERYBODY HERE IS HEAVILY ARMED

Bears are showing up in the Miami area.

THIS WOULD MAKE PERFECT SENSE TO FLORIDA DRIVERS

The Virginia Department of Transportation is deliberately painting zigzag lines on the road.

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(Thanks to Brian Clay)

WE NEED MORE REUNIONS LIKE THIS

A woman hired a stripper to impersonate her at her high-school reunion.

(Thanks to DavCat)

April 21, 2009

THUS DASHING THIS BLOG'S HOPE THAT HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN POOPED ON BY A HOWLER MONKEY

A federal judge ruled today that former Gov. Rod Blagojevich cannot go to Costa Rica to film a reality show.

A NEW WEAPON IN AN OLD WAR

The Beaver Baffle System

Vaguely related item here.

JUST A SUGGESTION

Do NOT use dynamite.

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

A reality show for pigs.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

IT IS A GOOD THING THIS BLOG HAS A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

Because otherwise we would probably link to this.

(Thanks to Bob Filipczak)

CRIME DOES NOT PAY

Dye explodes in man's pants

(Thanks to DavCat and Justin Barber)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using eagles. Also, pigs.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Kay Myers)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Porno Gnome

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHICH IS WHY YOU NEVER SEE THEM ON CRUISE SHIPS

A scientist has discovered that fish get seasick.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

SOMEBODY HAS TO STUDY IT

A Discursive Investigation of the Reinvention of Pole Dancing as a Recreational Activity

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

WE JUST HOPE HE DOESN'T SELL THE PLANS TO IRAN

A guy is planning to launch a "model" rocket 36 feet long.

(Thanks to David Reser)

SCRANTON: CITY OF EXCITEMENT

Naked woman assaults firefighter, starts blaze while heating chicken wings, police say

(Thanks to trustf8)

TODAY'S FIRST-AID TIP

How to remove a leech from an eyeball

(Thanks to Ralph, DavCat, Joshua Orpin and Horace LaBadie)

CSI: CENTREVILLE

"He lost control of his functions."

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

WE AWAIT WORD FROM FRANCE

Giant Nazi cows on the loose in Britain

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN!

Maggots discovered in popular candy

(Thanks to Kay Myers)

FASHION UPDATE

Push-up pants fly off shelves

(Thanks to catmanmax, Justin Barber and trustf8)

April 20, 2009

24

Here is where we stand:

Tony is a mole. Last week he suffocated FBI Agent Larry in a dramatic 17-minute suffocation scene involving two commercial breaks for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere.

Tony's accomplice, Galvez, made off with a cannister of the Deadly Death Fatal Pathogen of Doom, which is capable of killing thousands of people, including, tragically, many potential customers for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere. If we have learned anything from watching 24 over the years, aside from the fact that 62 percent of all federal employees are moles, it is that the government needs to ban cannisters, because they never seem to contain anything that would benefit humanity -- Yoo-Hoo, for example -- and sooner or later the terrorists ALWAYS get hold of them.

Jack Bauer, who is still dying from the pathogen, had an extremely boring moving reconciliation scene with his estranged daughter Kim, who strikes this blog as the kind of gal who would know her way around the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere. Kim wants to give Jack some of her stem cells. But Jack won't let her, because the experimental cure is risky and could, we don't know, wreck her stem.

Jon Voight was arrested and claims he is a cog in a much bigger machine. What this machine is, and whether it has any connection with the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere is anybody's guess.

Edgar is still dead.

After tonight's episode -- which may or may not feature commercials for the new Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere -- be sure to stick around in the comments for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile, here is this week's scientific poll:

What do you think is the "much bigger machine" Jon Voight referred to?
Organized crime.
China.
Evil billionaires connected to the vice president, who has mysteriously disappeared from the plot.
The military.
The producers of "Heroes."
An actual machine.
Microsoft.
The New York Yankees.
Oprah.
Montpelier.
  
pollcode.com free polls


UPDATE:Hey, what happened to House?

UPDATE: The lookalike-blond-babe-lawyers switcheroo.

UPDATE: When will they stop with the perimeters?

UPDATE: Did Tony just shoot himself in the thigh?

UPDATE: How come, when a character on TV is told that somebody is dead, that character always responds, quote: "What?"

UPDATE: If I had about a day to live because of a deadly pathogen, I would go to Vegas. Whereas Jack chooses to debrief.

UPDATE: Evidently Tony missed his thigh.

UPDATE: So they check the lawyer's thumbprint, but they don't search her briefcase?

UPDATE: The Lozenge of Death!

UPDATE: We are climbing the puppetmaster chain.

UPDATE: It's amazing how quickly people on this show recover from gunshot wounds.

UPDATE: You know what would have been great? If they had pulled back the sheet that was supposed to be over Larry's body, and underneath was: Edgar.

UPDATE: Awww the li'l Kimlet.

UPDATE: Is a "secure net" different from a perimeter?

UPDATE: Still no commercial for the Victoria's Secret Dream Angels push-up brassiere, at least none that we have had a visual on.

UPDATE: Jack wants a map overlay.

UPDATE: Boom.

UPDATE: Renee might need a second Band-Aid.

UPDATE: I kind of like Jack when he twitches. It makes him human somehow.

UPDATE: Tony says global warming is bad, which must mean... global warming is good.

UPDATE: Next week: Explosions, Jack vs. Jon Voight (doesn't anybody ever really die in this show?). Take it, The Amazing Steve.

PATRICK FARRELL'S PULITZER

The Miami Herald's Patrick Farrell, a great photographer and a terrific guy, won a Pulitzer Prize today for his powerful and heartrending photographs of the awful devastation in Haiti caused by the storms of 2008. You can see the photos here, but be warned that some of them are disturbing.

WE SEE A LONG AND DIFFICULT ROAD AHEAD FOR EVERYBODY

Toddler gets foot stuck in potty during toilet training

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SOMETHING WE BET HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO A WOMAN

Man pretending to fall off bridge actually falls

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

WHAT A GUY NEVER, EVER WANTS TO BE CALLED IN A HEADLINE

"Nad trap man"

(Thanks to Allen at Division and Matt Filar)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Pathogen Time. Be here, or be a hair in the armpit of Bill Laimbeer.

Bill Laimbeer


WELL, IT WAS HER HONEYMOON; WHO CAN BLAME HER?

"She was so excited she teared up," Bruce said.

(Thanks to Nancy Worley and Jeff Meyerson)

A STORY YOU WILL NEVER SEE POSTED ON THIS BLOG

Unless The Blog is at an event and we are fairly certain he will not notice it when he gets back.

(Thanks to DavCat)

BERLIN

Where they know what's important.

 WC

(Thanks to the son of the s.b., who could give no further details because "they charge to get in.")

HOW ABOUT 'BUDDY?'

NJ town can't seem to decide what to call itself

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

April 19, 2009

'HOW DID HE DO IT?'

"Limber, I guess."

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SOMETIMES DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE

You could own a toilet seat used by Camilla.

Article-0-048146EF000005DC-180_468x286

(Thanks to Siouxie)

'YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT BUNNY HEAD OFF, PLEASE?'

Here's a highly informative TV-news interview.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)   

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE GLAMOROUS TO BE A BIG-LEAGUE-BASEBALL TRAINER?

Think again.

(Thanks to trustf8 and Janice Gelb)

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET BAK

First steroids; now, spelling.

997d8054bdd3614e617cc13f998e08d9

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHY YOU NEVER SEE BABY WOLVERINES


fail owned pwned pictures
see more pwn and owned pictures

(Thanks to Martini Shark and Janice Gelb)

NEWS FROM DOWN UNDER

Tasmania's wombat poo paper a hit

(Thanks to Jeff Gallup)

CHECK, PLEASE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS JUST IN FROM WASHINGTON, TYNE AND WEAR

(Thanks to Ralph, catmanmax and Siouxie)

YOUR BASICALLY DAILY BACON UPDATE

Now: a bacon blowtorch.

(Thanks to Bryan M., catmanmax and Siouxie)

BUT THERE IS TO BE NO COW-POKING

A Lotto winner has opened a nude dude ranch.

(Thanks toDavCat)

LAKE CHARGOGGAGOGGMANCHAUGGAGOGGCHAUBUNAGUNGAMAUGG UPDATE

It's about damn time.

(Thanks to DavCat)

STRONG NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Burning Wok and the Sex Shop Fire

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

TENANT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

WE CAN IMAGINE

Giant groper find shocks family

Big_fish

(Thanks to Ralph)

April 18, 2009

WHAT WE COULD DO IF WE BUILD UP AN ALARMING SURPLUS OF AMERICA-MADE AUTOMOBILES

Something along these lines.

(Thanks to CJrun)

CRIMEFIGHTERS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Moo.

Aberdeen-Angus_1386452c

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Horace LaBadie)

MISSISSIPPI WOMEN

They're tough.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

UPDATE ON THE ALLEGED GOOMBA'S PIZZERIA CALZONE-RELATED PISTOL-WHIPPING

The alleged lawsuit has allegedly been dropped.

Key Legal Term: "Calzone kerfuffle."

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

April 17, 2009

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING SWINGING SOUTH BEND HOTSPOTS

...you're talking Taco Bell.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

 
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