Dave Barry's Blog

FASCISM CREEPS INTO SWITZERLAND

Now you have to cover up your alps.

(Thanks to jon harris and Catherine)

WHY WE SUPPORT THE BALLET

Because the ballet supports us.

(Thanks to Larry Fern)

THIS PROBABLY ALREADY IS THE NAME OF A ROCK BAND

Bionic Penguins

(Thanks to CJrun and somebody else whose email we lost.We are sorry and will fire judi once she sobers up.)

IT LEFT WHEN IT SAW THE HAMBURGER

A bull in a supermarket.

(With video)

(Thanks to Ralph Kirshner and Janice Gelb)

FINANCIAL TIP OF THE DAY SO FAR

I pulled a dollar out of the urinal today. I don't really care if someone was waiting for me to take it out so they could laugh at me. I pulled it out with two fingers, took it to the sink and did about 20 squirts of soap into the hand with the dollar. I washed it and my hands so well, I am pretty sure it ended up being cleaner than the money I had in my wallet. I got a buck out of it. I pick up pennies off the ground too. Every little bit counts.
-- mrbigreded

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT...

And we ain't got no kilts...

But some of us are on our way to find some, while yet another blog contingent meets elsewhere in the US in search of belly dancers and Greeks bearing gifts. And because we all have highly developed dorkish tendencies, here is a thread we can use to converse via computer, instead of across the table.

Slainte!

LOOK! UP ON THE SEGWAY!

It's... Quilt Man!

(Thanks to Jacki Barber)

BIG DEAL

We had these in college.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

OKLAHOMA TACKLES THE ISSUES

Okla. governor intervenes in Flaming Lips flap

(Thanks to trustf8)

WHO SAYS ROMANCE IS DEAD?

SAANICH POLICE OFFICER STUMBLES UPON PAIR OF NAKED ADULTS IN DUMPSTER

(Thanks to Danny)

AIR TRAVEL OBSERVATION

Apparently the most confusing words in the English language are "Please have your boarding pass ready."

NUDITY

Sometimes we are for it, and sometimes we think it's better to put something on.

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EATING HAVE EVER EATEN LUNCH

As the cashier began to collect back in the bottles, the man put his finger to his nostril, blew hard and showered the hapless shop assistant with the contents of his nasal passage.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

A Northern Territory Primary School has enrolled two poddy calves into its city classrooms this term as part of an innovative educational project. The project aims to make learning more interesting as well as showing children where food comes from.

(Thanks to Ralph Kirschner)

MOTHER'S DAY IS COMING

Mom will never forget the year you gave her an official Star Trek Limited Edition Titanium Spork. We promise.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

FEEL-GOOD NEWS STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Key Exculpatory Exchange:

"I slowed down, I slowed down!"

"Well, I'm being chased by a bear!"

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

YUM

 

(Thanks to catmanmax)

YOU KNOW WHEN THEY SAY IT WILL GO ON YOUR PERMANENT RECORD?

They aren't kidding.

(Thanks to klezmerphan)

URGENT SCIENCE NEWS UPDATE

This has probably already been blogged, but it's important enough to blog twice.

(Thanks to Andy Walker)

Semi-related Update

(Thanks to Siouxie)

DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER UPDATE

Somebody shot at the Dog!

Needless to say he got his man anyway.

ATTENTION, LOSERS GAMING ENTHUSIASTS

Check out the WOW Pod.

COUGAR ATTACK UPDATE

A 52-year-old woman who took a job as an exotic dancer to help make ends meet was attacked on her first day by a jealous co-worker armed with a stiletto shoe, police said.

(Thanks to Danny)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

(Thanks to catmanmax)

HOW DESPERATE ARE WE?

People camp out for a year's worth of Chick-fil-A.

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)

GOOD TO KNOW

What to do if you encounter a cougar

(Thanks to trustf8)

SO WE'RE GUESSING SHE DIDN'T CATCH THE BRIDAL BOUQUET

A Queens woman charges that a wedding guest from hell turned her dream nuptials into a sordid affair she can never forget by screaming, tossing a drink at another guest -- and, worst of all, declaring she was sleeping with the groom.

(Thanks to nursecindy and RussellMc)

THEY FEAR NOTHING, EXCEPT A WEED WHACKER

Iranian snipers.

(Thanks to Ralph)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Soon we will have no fundamental human rights left.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

THE OWNER IS GOING TO BE REALLY TICKED OFF

Bomb Squad Detonates Suspicious Bag, Finds Feces

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HUH?

Chewing gum may raise math grades in teens

Key Fact: "The study was funded by chewing gum maker Wrigley."

(Thanks to Cynthia)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE MORNING SO FAR

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. – Police are looking for a pregnant woman they say tried to rob a North Carolina bank at gunpoint but left empty-handed after answering her cell phone.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT

Friends exchange 217,000 texts in a month

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using sparrows. Also Quaker parrots.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A SIMPLE 'CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION' WOULD HAVE SUFFICED

Live shark left outside newspaper office

(Thanks to Allen at Division, Siouxie, Horace LaBadie and Cynthia)

UH-OH

A giant radioactive space blob.

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson, Siouxie and Dr. Doug)

A LITTLE HORN-TOOTING BANJO-STRUMMING FOR A FORTHCOMING EVENT

On May 11 I'm going to be interviewing Mr. Steve Martin about his new banjo album, The Crow, at an event to benefit the Los Angeles Public Library. Here's the info, which I believe is accurate, except the part about me playing the bass. (Or, for that matter, being a musician.)

THIS JUST IN

There's definitely a cat up my tree, or something.

  

HERO LINGERIE

Bra deflects bullet aimed at woman

(Thanks to RussellMc and Wizzy)

TIMES HAVE CHANGED

Ads for products to help you gain weight fast.

(Thanks to Kaffy)

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER OF THE YEAR SO FAR

The note read, "This little turd was on the floor in my room."

(Thanks to B'game)

MOVE OVER, SUSAN BOYLE

You're blocking the view.

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

THIS ISN'T FUNNY, BUT IT'S INTERESTING

Here's a story about a woman who got fed up with her 10- and 12-year-old daughters' fighting, so she ordered them out of the car and drove away. Everybody agrees this was wrong. But some people feel it was understandable. Discuss.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Woman bares chest to deputy during DUI stop

Needless to say, she already has a Florida driver's license.

(Thanks to s2per)

WAIT... IT'S MADE OF WHAT KIND OF SKIN?

(Thanks to Lani)

THIS IS PROBABLY FAKE

But we don't care.

(Keep the sound down if you're at work.)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DESPITE ALARMIST SPECULATION, YOWIE NOT RESPONSIBLE IN TOP END DOG DEATH

Whatever killed the dog in the Top End, it wasn't the Yowie, according to a Yowie expert, who asserts that the Yowie speculation is "alarmist."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that "Yowie Alarmists" would be a good name for a rock band)

AND YET THEY HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH 'SPOTTED DICK'

(Thanks to catmanmax)

OF COURSE SOME OF THESE KNICKERS HAVE ANTI-INCONTINENCE FEATURES

Aged 68 and still a Sex Bomb: Fans throw knickers onstage as Tom Jones performs in Florida

(Thanks to Siouxie)

BOFFIN UPDATE

Now the crazy bastards are putting radio transmitters on ants.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

CRIMESTOPPERS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"The two were thinking about calling 911 when they heard the shots but started making out instead."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)