Dave Barry's Blog

FUNDRAISER BRAINSTORM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"Get your thinking hats on and see what disability you can represent!"

(Thanks to Omaha Bridget)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using birds, which in turn are using fish.

(Thanks to Tomfor)

AND YET YOU KNOW SHE WOULD UNHESITATINGLY EAT HIM AGAIN

Dog almost dies after eating Homer

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THUS OPENING UP THE POSSIBILITY OF THE FIRST-EVER DEATH SENTENCE FOR JAYWALKING

Mr. T called for jury duty

(Thanks to Chaim Schneider)

SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR ROTO-ROOTER

(Thanks to B'game)

WHEN YOU ARE TALKING CLASS

...you are talking Florida Gators.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

THIS JUST IN FROM ABROAD

(Thanks to DavCat)

ADVISORY FOR CONSUMERS WISHING TO RETURN SOMETHING TO RADIO SHACK

Be advised that they have a strict policy.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST DO DRUGS, LIKE IN THE OLD DAYS?

Nude water-gun tag getting high school seniors in trouble

(Thanks to Rob Johnson)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

"Octomom the Musical" now casting

(Thanks to catmanmax)

ANOTHER GIANT LEAP FOR GEEKDOM MANKIND

Computer scientists add smell to games

(Thanks to catmanmax)

A SIMPLE TEST TO DETERMINE WHETHER YOU HAVE SWINE FLU

Click here.

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

Helpful update here.

REST EASY, CINCINNATI

Shadowhare is on the job.

With all due respect to Shadowhare, he would last maybe nine seconds in Miami.

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

IN CONTINUED OBSERVANCE OF OUR STRICT RULE AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...we will not be linking to this.

(Thanks to Ralph)

OFFER OF THE MORNING SO FAR

Hi Sir and Madam,
 
We are a professional bag manufacturer located in China.  We are currently having a special offer on Toilet Bag. Please kindly see quotation below and the flyer attache.  We can source for the color of the fabric you want for youfrom stock fabric is so requested.

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Pudsey Bear refused a passport

(Thasnks to Jeff Meyerson)

SHE WHAT?

Girl beats off muggers with marching band baton

(Thanks to DavCat and N1LUL)

OKAY, BUT WE AREN'T BUDGING ON "SOMETIME THIS CENTURY"

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

SCIENTIFIC POLL

What are you doing about the swine flu?
	The what?
	Duh: beer.
	I am going about my normal routine, albeit with much wetter underpants.
	I am having WAY less sex with animals.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

THAT WILL TEACH THEM

Angry worker eats his own finger

(Thanks to Siouxie and DavCat)

IT'S TIME FOR TOUGHER FEDERAL CONTROLS

Man arrested in barbecue fork attack

Incredibly, alcohol may have been involved.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

The non-leaking tomato.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MONTANA SOCIAL NOTE

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

A LONG-OVERDUE HONOR

Hooker named Indoor Athlete of the Year

(Thanks to DavCat)

CRIME IN CASPER

It is out of control.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Cynthia)

WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE CD

(Thanks to Ralph Kirshner)

ULTIMATE FRISBEE CLUB LOSES DICTIONARY SEASON AFTER NUDITY

Team co-captain Dusty Becker said Monday that while he was sorry, he didn’t see a problem with the team’s recent behaviors.

(Thanks to oneblankspace)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

If there's one issue in this world that really needed to be addressed, it's the manners of gay Thai monks.

(Thanks to queensbee)

FOREIGN-OBJECT-IN-THE-BODY STORY OF THE DAY

After a dozen years, a Colorado State University student who unknowingly had a toothpick lodged in her foot is free of the object.

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles) 

REMBRANDT OFTEN EXPLORED THIS THEME

Controversy has erupted over a painting depicting a self-pleasuring gerbil.

And yes, "The Self-Pleasuring Gerbils" would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to DavCat)

GUYS IN ACTION

Man set house on fire while trying to kill a spider with a lighter

(Thanks to David in Oz)

TODAY'S SCIENCE TOPIC

If you’ve ever had a good, long look at the human phallus...

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SHOWDOWN IN NEVADA

Led Zeppelin vs. the Mormon cricket horde.

(Thanks to Kristin Bennett)

THIS BASICALLY DESCRIBES OUR ENTIRE CHILDHOOD

Microbe-powered 'fart' machine stores energy

(Thanks to Dick Ranlet)

BUT IF YOU APPLY IT THAT WAY, DO YOU STILL NEED IT?

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

ADVISORY TO CHIHUAHUA OWNERS

Attach weights to your dog.

(Thanks to Siouxie, DavCat, Horace LaBadie and David in Oz)

THE BLOODHOUNDS WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM EASILY

Homeless man charged with stealing cologne

Key Name: Exzander Outlaw

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

24

Here is where we stand:

When last we saw Jack, he was twitching helplessly on the ground, not unlike the way many of us ended our evenings when we were college students, except in Jack's case it's because he's in his third week of dying from the Incurable Fatal Killer Pathogen of Perishing to Death, which only his daughter Kim can save him from, except she's on her way to the airport, but somehow we think she will return for the risky stem-cell curing procedure.

When Jack started twitching he was holding a gun on Tony, who definitely seems to be evil, which probably means he is NOT evil, although he did kill Larry just when we were starting to like Larry. In an effort to appear non-evil, Tony shot himself, which would sideline most actual humans for at least an hour, but since Tony lives on Planet 24 he was back in action within minutes.

Tony helped Galvez escape with the Canister of Doom after setting off a massive explosion that killed a bunch of people, all of whom fortunately were extras. Tony said that the canister is worth a lot of money to the people he's working for, who apparently are the mystery puppetmasters who ordered Jon Voight to take a suicide pill last week, which he did, although apparently it was a generic brand because according to the previews he will still be alive this week for a dramatic confrontation with Jack.

Chloe seems to have completely disappeared from the plot. Edgar is still dead.

Tragically, I will not be joining you this week, as I am traveling. I'm sure you'll all do a fine job down in the comments section of analyzing the plot, and of course after the show The Amazing Steve will tie up any loose ends. Meanwhile, feel free to take this scientific poll:

Is it about time that Jack stopped being sick and vulnerable and start KICKING SOME BUTT?
	Duh.
	Also: WHERE THE HELL IS CHLOE???
	I think Jack is more appealing when he's vulnerable. I also think he should wear a skirt.
	I refuse to participate in a poll with a flower motif.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

WE HAVE A STRICT POLICY AGAINST POSTING BLATANT ADVERTISEMENTS

But we have an even stricter policy of always blogging semi-naked men if we can get away with it, which we think we can, at the moment, because The Blog is on a plane.

(THANK YOU to Ginger B.)

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT WHAT HE SMELLED LIKE AT THE END

Bananaman sets a marathon record for runners dressed as cartoon characters.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

OMG

I M DED. C U L8R. TWEET ME.
@}--`.--`--.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

AND YET, HE COULD BE WHIMSICAL, TOO

 

(Thanks to Loudmouth)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Visual Time. Be here, or be a cauliflower ear.

ATTENTION, DO-IT-YOURSELFERS

(Thanks to John Gregg)

SCIENTISTS: SMOKING CRACK, OR WHAT?

We report; you decide.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

HE'S THINKING ABOUT GETTING A TATTOO

Alfie the Moustachioed Horse

(Thanks to DavCat)

DO-DAH, DO-DAH

Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off

(Thanks to DavCat)

TRY TO HELP A SQUIRREL

...and this is what you get.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Shari)

SOMEHOW THIS PHOTO REMINDS US OF A CRUISE SHIP

Pigs on the lam.

(Thanks to Ralph Kirshner and Janice Gelb)

A LOAD OFF THIS BLOG'S MIND

It's safe to eat a worm in your sandwich.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)