Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S A DARNED GOOD THING THIS BLOG HAS A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE'S NAMES

Otherwise we would be tempted to link to this.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

URGENT ADVISORY TO EVERYBODY IN THAILAND

Get out of the water NOW.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CSI: GESUNDHEIT

But the DNA came from an unsuspecting woman working at a factory in southern Germany, where cotton swabs are produced for the police force, investigators said.

They suspect she may have sneezed on the swabs used to collect evidence and contaminated them. This reproduced the woman's DNA matches despite her having nothing to do with any of the crimes.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

WE SENSE A LAWSUIT COMING

(Thanks to RussellMc)

'I'M DOING THIS FOR US, HONEY. IS THE COLLAR TOO TIGHT? IT IS? GOOD!'

Despite a spike in stress levels, couples who engage in sadomasochistic activities (S&M), may end up strengthening their relationship, according to a new study published in the magazine New Scientist this week.

(Thanks to Joshua Orpin)

THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR

(Thanks to Mike Harlin, John Gregg and Pubo Rex)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to B. Kizer)

LEGALLY, HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN A CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

A JetBlue employee says he took a free flight from New York to Boston -- after falling asleep in a plane's cargo bin.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias, who says, "I thought flying in the cargo hold on JetBlue was an upgrade.")

FLORIDA WILDLIFE ENCOUNTERS

You don't even have to leave home.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WE ASSUME THEY BURPED THE BABY AFTERWARD

A Norwegian church used lemon-flavoured cola instead of water in a baptism ceremony after its taps were temporarily turned off because of freezing temperatures, daily Vaart Land said on Tuesday.

"Vaart Land?"

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

SNUGGIE PUB CRAWL UPDATE

Looks like it was very stupid a lot of fun.

(Thanks to Ralph)

HEY, AS LONG AS EVERYBODY INVOLVED WAS CONSENTING

(Thanks to DavCat)

HAR

(Thanks to Steve Merryman)

BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT

Man on motorized barstool charged with DUI

(Thanks to DavCat and Chuck Cody)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week Jack managed to steal the Deadly Fatal Bioweapon of Death from henchpersons working for evil puppetmaster Jon Voight. Unfortunately, the henchpersons got it back by shooting 153,000 rounds of ammunition at Jack from a helicopter. Fortunately, all of these rounds missed because Jack was crouching next to a pile of rocks. Unfortunately, Jack was exposed to the bioweapon, which means he might die, in which case the season would be over and we would have to spend future Monday nights reading the works of Marcel Proust instead of letting this show slowly turn our brains to risotto.  

Fortunately there's a good chance that Jack will survive, because he is contractually obligated to do an eighth season. Unfortunately we cannot be so certain about Tony, who was captured by the henchpersons and could be killed for the second time in his 24 career. Meanwhile President Woman President's hideously unlikeable daughter Olivia -- who is getting WAY too much screen time that should be devoted to Renee the highly competent FBI agent -- got poor old Ethan fired and is now basically running the country. In other bad news, Henry the First Dip has emerged from his coma and is delivering lines of dialog.

Edgar is still dead.

Be advised that analysis from me may be on the light side tonight, because Mrs. Blog is covering a tennis tournament, which means I am responsible for childcare, which means humanity is doomed I may be tuning in a little late.

Stay tuned after tonight's episode for the wrapup by The Amazing Steve. Meanwhile here is a scientific poll:

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A BULLET EVER ACTUALLY HIT JACK?
	Jack would say "Dammit!", then resume torturing whomever he happened to be torturing at that time.
	The bullet would fall to the ground, screaming.
	The bullet would enter Jack, but the hole would heal instantly; later he would poop the bullet out.
	But only after the season ends, because he never goes to the bathroom.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: If they try to check Jack's prostate, they are DEAD MEN.

UPDATE: As a thoughtful commenter pointed out last week: If they could move the bioweapon via helicopter, why did they put it on a truck in the first place?

UPDATE: President Woman President is thinking, Not ANOTHER imminent homeland threat! This is like... a bad melodrama or something!

UPDATE: Renee is going to debrief Jack.

UPDATE: In the end, they'll vote to give Starkwood a bailout.

UPDATE: Hey! That guy! Who is that guy?

UPDATE: Time for that crucial third or possibly fourth beer.

UPDATE: Even as we speak, Jack's antibodies are shooting tiny bullets into the East Congo virus's tiny thighs.

UPDATE: Get me the White House Dithering Room!

UPDATE: A Seal Squad! Yes!

UPDATE: The northeast quadrant! I KNEW it.

UPDATE: Like they could EVER keep Jack from going on this raid.

UPDATE: It's important to wear safety glasses when you work on bioweapons.

UPDATE: That sly fox Jon Voight! The old Wrong Quadrant Gambit!

UPDATE: So to summarize: Nothing happened.

UPDATE: Seriously. Nothing happened.

UPDATE: Good luck with this pile o' nothingness, Amazing Steve.

YOU HAVE TO DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE

A McDonald's drive-through was shot up early Sunday after a customer was angered that the restaurant had shifted from the lunch menu to the breakfast menu, police said.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Siouxie)

THEY COULD HAVE JUST ASKED ANY RANDOM GUY

A judge has ruled that pole dancing is art.

(Thanks to John Regan and Chris Lawson, both of whom are guys)

FAMILY FRACAS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to blunt hobo)

MERRY OLDE ENGLAND

For those who noticed the recent absence of the s.b.: Hey, thanks!

For everyone else: We were in the UK (and Ireland), where the food is a little unusual:

 

     

 

And they drink lots of beer:

   

So it's fun to enjoy the local scenery:

 

And easy to stumble to the hotel room at the end of the day:

 

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Bioweapon Time. Be on this blog, or be a Trogg.

Also be advised (thanks to The Amazing Steve and kc brady) that this season's plot apparently contains -- prepare to be shocked -- some geographical inaccuracies. We hope the Secret Service reads this article before it proceeds with the plan to build the $57 million White House Frogperson Defense System.

NO THANKS

(Thanks to Danny)

ETIQUETTE NOTE FROM INDIA

No toilet, no bride

(Thanks to DavCat)

CSI: LEDBURY

Somebody painted the Prince of Wales pink.

(Thanks to Bethany)

THAT TRAINING COMES IN HANDY

Ex-commando captures runaway pig

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

BREAKING NEWS FROM MENTOR

Teen Accused of Tackling Mascot in Cow Suit at Mentor Chick-fil-A

(Thanks to Danny)

A GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND

(Thanks to John Gregg)

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY THE PROS RECOMMEND USING A TANK

Mother-in-law survives rocket attack

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson)

LINGERIE FOOTBALL UPDATE

(Thanks to Martini Shark)

TRICERATOPS, OFFICER? WHAT TRICERATOPS?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie, both of whom note that alcohol may have been involved)

IDEALLY, THEY WILL SOON LOSE THEIR TEETH

Kansas squirrels are going bald

(Doo-dah, Doo-dah)

(Thanks to Robert McCLure)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'WORLD COURT' DOES NOTHING

"They misrepresent their sandwiches as they always show the meat on the top and the salad on the bottom but when you buy a Subway sandwich they always put the meat on first," grumbled the customer in a formal complaint to the Advertising Standards Authority.

This is actually true.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

HUH?

Pasadena SWAT standoff ends peacefully after gunfire

(Thanks to fivver)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Sleeping man gets locked inside I Don't Care Bar

(Thanks to RussellMc)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM SANKHUWASABHA

(Thanks to Danny)

WHY YOU SO RARELY HEAR FISH BREAK WIND

Fish Oil Could Curb Cow Flatulence

(Thanks to Cynthia)

MAKES SENSE TO US

French pole vaulting champion Romain Mesnil runs naked through Paris to attract new sponsor

(Thanks to Ralph)

THE DOWNSIDE IS, YOU PERIODICALLY SHED YOUR SKIN

Snake venom moisturizer.

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

AND THE BULL IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT

B.C. thieves make off with bull semen

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

SPOKANE

City of Outlaws:

The quest for squeaky-clean dishes has turned some law-abiding people in Spokane into dishwater-detergent smugglers. They are bringing Cascade or Electrasol in from out of state because the eco-friendly varieties required under Washington state law don't work as well.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

WHY IS THIS NIGHT GETTING LOUDER THAN ALL OTHER NIGHTS?

Kosher tequila.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, Cynthia and Baron vonKlyff)

Related item: 20 Things To Do With Matzoh

(Thanks to marfie)

THEY NEED TO LAUNCH A GIANT ORBITAL AIR FRESHENER

Space Smells Funny, Astronauts Say

(Thanks to Bruce)

WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS CONCEPT INTRODUCED INTO THE MAJOR LEAGUES

Sink Hole Swallows Girl During Ballgame

(Thanks to Cynthia)

WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE MOVIE

The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG'S ONGOING COMMITMENT TO COVERING EDUCATION ISSUES

That we are linking to this.

(Thanks to Danny)

YIKES

When physicians at an Alberta hospital asked why so many medical students and residents were using a faulty technique for inserting life-saving breathing tubes in patients, they received an unexpected answer: It's television's fault.

Many of the doctors in training said they had learned the procedure from watching medical dramas.

(Thanks to nursecindy)

SHAMWOW GUY UPDATE

Turns out the ShamWow guy has an active social life.

(Thanks to Heatlher, catmanmax, Horace LaBadie and afkat)

HEY, IT'S A GOOD CAUSE

(Thanks to Danny)

ADVISORY TO MOTORISTS

$206 in urine-soaked coins is not acceptable payment for a speeding ticket in Washington

(Thanks to Gregg Geil)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using turkey vultures.

Key Quote:

Mr. Hurtado told Trooper Brian Miller that the bird was alive for a brief time following the crash. Miller declared the vulture dead at the scene, Jones said.

Vanessa Hurtado asked the tow truck driver from Eagle Towing to remove the vulture so that it would not marinate in the hot car all day, police said.

(Thanks to Barbara A and Danny)

THE ANNOUNCEMENT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR

The Official Band of Shed Week 2009

(Thanks to Uncle Wilco)