Dave Barry's Blog

CSI: BAY COUNTY

Brady asked the man if he knew his pants were smoking

(Thanks to DavCat)

IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE SISTINE CHAPEL

...only different.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY WE NEED MANDATORY FEDERAL REGISTRATION

Man threatens police with pig's jawbone, court told

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

FACEBOOK

A way to make new friends.

(Thanks to queensbee)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

According to the Russian news agency RIA Novosti, a mosquito managed to live 18 months clinging to the outside of the International Space Station, without any food, being bombarded by radiation and enduring fluctuating temperatures ranging from minus 230 degrees to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

(Thanks to catmanmax, who notes that "The mosquito of course will mutate into a monster that threatens the entire world.")

FUN DUDE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD, THANKS

A man dressed as a slab of beef stood in the middle of a Hong Kong street Monday to advertise a restaurant. Hong Kong’s inflation rate rose to 3.1% in January from 2.1% the previous month, according to government figures. (Bobby Yip/Reuters)

From this site, which has some cool photos. (Assuming people still say "cool.")

(Thanks to Bruce)

UPDATE: And then there is this.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

MINNESOTA

We Brake for Falcons

Key Quote: "Anything that kills pigeons is good with me."

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

WHAT REALLY BROUGHT DOWN THE THIRD REICH

Grammar.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE MIND OF THE PERSON

...who came up with this.

(Via Gizmodo)

IT WOULD EXPLAIN A LOT

Are aliens controlling local rapper's brain?

(Thanks to Dawn Price)

CSI: CANTERBURY

British police nab giant rabbit

(Thanks to Ralph)

CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND, TACKLES THE ISSUE OF BOOBS

Mayor Bob Parker said he found the event "boring" and a "waste of space", adding that "the only positive I can think of is it might be a slight improvement looking at boobs on bikes as opposed to boobs driving around in noisy cars, but I can't see it as a significant improvement".

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Rampant Possum

(Thanks to Ralph)

BRAZIL: LAND OF PRIORITIES

RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) — It's a record that can only be broken in Rio de Janeiro. A samba dancer has worn the smallest scrap of clothing ever in a Carnival parade.

Tragically, there is no photo.

(Thanks to Andrea Davis)

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week, Jack, aided by highly competent FBI agent Renee, hatched a plan to use the innocent and trusting Marika as bait to capture her evil boyfriend African Subplot Dubaku. This plan was thwarted by the FBI mole, who turned out to be -- get ready for a shock -- Sean. No, we didn't really know who Sean was, either. He's just another in a long random line of 24 moles, hired under the federal government's Hire-a-Mole program. Sean had the police apprehend Jack and Renee, which means Marika, like pretty much everybody who trusts Jack when he has a plan, is now in danger.

Meanwhile President Woman President -- under the protection of Bill, who has replaced the Secret Service, which consists almost entirely of rogue agents -- is at the hospital, where her husband, Henry, is about to undergo dangerous but necessary surgery to remove his Screen Actors Guild membership. A new subplot was introduced in the form of the first couple's estranged annoying daughter, Olivia, who was fetched, blast-from-the-past style, by Aaron, who as you may recall was last seen shacking up with former First Ladies Martha Logan.

We're not sure what Tony is up to. We're also unclear on what happened to the Killer Death Module of Fatal Doom. Remember? Back in the early hours of this season, the terrorists were using it to threaten the infrasructure? Those were good hours. Back then we actually sort of understood the plot. Now all we know for sure is that Edgar is dead.

As always we're counting on The Amazing Steve™ to clear things up in the comments after the show. Meanwhile, here's a special bonus poll, paid for by this blog's share of the economic stimulus package. For some reason, both of the buttons say "Submit Query." As far as we can tell, if you click the top one, you get to vote, and if you click the bottom one, you see the vote totals.

Is Marika going to get whacked?
	Of course she is. She trusted Jack!
	No: Jack will rescue her.
	Yes, but she will come back to life, like Tony.
	I have no idea who Marika is. I stopped understanding the plot in roughly 2004.
pollcode.com free polls

UPDATE: Wow. Whatshername is also a mole. EVERYBODY is a mole.

UPDATE: "She's not an asset, Jack. She's a human being."

UPDATE: Marika is not the sharpest dart in the board.

UPDATE: Wait... maybe Marika is mole-ing Dubaku! My head hurts.

UPDATE: Another successful Jack Bauer operation, leaving pretty much an entire subplot dead.

UPDATE: I hate the Roger subplot.

UPDATE: Jack has a GREAT bedside manner.

UPDATE: Wow, a digital storage device INSIDE Dubaku. Some guys will go to great lengths to hide their porn.

UPDATE: Mole fight!

UPDATE: "Nobody's better at dealing with those servers than you are." That silver-tongued son of a gun!

UPDATE: It's a PX17 with the auto-erase function! DAMN I hate those.

UPDATE: Parameters!

UPDATE: Sean is a mean mole.

UPDATE: I think maybe Chloe is tricking Sean.

UPDATE: Sean shot himself, what, five minutes ago, and his wound has already been treated.

UPDATE: Erika was using narrow parameters. What a bimbo.

UPDATE: "It's over." Time for a new subplot.

UPDATE: Oh, get a room, you two crazy kids!

UPDATE: Everybody get ready for the cliffhanging shockeroo.

UPDATE: "If you're with me, meet me at the corner of First and Constitution." And wear a red carnation.

UPDATE: If the terrorists strike Washington, literally thousands of moles could be killed.

UPDATE: Next week: Two hours! Shooting in the White House! Take it, Amazing Steve.

IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT HE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Urine-soaked Fort Pierce man has beer on top of truck, gets DUI

(Thanks to Patrick Lenon)

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern African Subplot Time.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Guys know how to harness the power of technology to improve workplace efficiency.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DELICACY? OR THREAT?

On Bondadagur, or Husband's Day, the menfolk of Iceland are spoiled by their wives and girlfriends, who serve them with traditional delicacies such as ram's testicles... 

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

ATTENTION, SQUEAMISH PEOPLE

Do not click here.

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT COLLEGE STUDENTS LACK INITIATIVE

...this blog says: Wrong, dude.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

STAND TALL, AUSTRALIA

A man has broken a world record by smashing 47 watermelons with his head in 60 seconds.

Don't miss the video.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

AND THE AWARD FOR CINEMATOGRAPHY GOES TO:

An otter.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, NONE OF THEM HAD GOVERNMENT-ISSUED PHOTO IDs

Snakes in a suitcase.

Question: A hanger?

(Thanks to catmanmax)

WHICH IS WHY EVERYBODY INVOLVED SHOULD WEAR CONDOMS

Beer Pong Linked to herpes rise

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE CONGRESS GIVES THE SHARKS A STIMULUS PACKAGE

Shark attacks drop; expert citees ailing economy

(Thanks to wiredog)

THE GOOD NEWS IS, THOSE THINGS ARE VERY LOW IN TRANS-FATS

"I looked down and there was a ginormous deep-fried cicada in my chips."

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

SCRABBLE

It's fun and educational.

(Thanks to MichaelG)

SLEEPING BAG OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

OSCAR UPDATE

They just interviewed Mickey Rourke on the red carpet about his Chihuahua.

UPDATE: The red-carpet fashion correspondent just said to Marisa Tomei, about her gown, "I have never seen such gorgeous pleating."

AND THEN, AFTER EVERYBODY HAD A HEARTY LAUGH, HE SHOT HIM IN THE THIGH

Kiefer Sutherland heckles a guitarist.

(Thanks to Gail Orsillo)

SPEAKING OF CANADA AND WEIRDNESS IN GENERAL

William Shatner wants to be Prime Minister of Canada

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Canadians can read your mind

(Thanks to Chuck Cody)

FORTUNATELY, THE FRIEND WAS NOT IN POSSESSION OF IT AT THE TIME

Michigan man charged with swiping friend's urine

(Thanks to RussellMc and Horace LaBadie)

EVER WONDER HOW BUDDHA GOT THAT BELLY?

(Thanks to Siouxie and Joe Hicks)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using HP Sauce.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

NEBRASKA

Where Women Are Women

(Thanks to catmanmax)

TIME FOR AN INTERNATIONAL BENEFIT CONCERT FEATURING, AT MINIMUM, STING

Town wiped out of loo roll

(Thanks to Ralph)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

(Thanks to Ralph)

WHILE WOMEN ARE FRITTERING AWAY THEIR TIME ON THEIR JOBS, FAMILIES, ETC.

...guys are getting stuff done.

(Thanks to Sean in CT)

ATTENTION, GUYS:

Nuclear Grade duct tape.

(Via Gizmodo)

THEY SAY JUSTICE IS BLIND

But here in Florida, she's just got her eyes squeezed shut.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, Kevin Meerschaert, Dan Fischer and Frank C.)

ATTENTION, HUMANS OF EVERY POSSIBLE GENDER

Do not read this.¹

(Sent in by a total loon Matt Filar)

¹ Really.

YOU STAY CLASSY, CHEF MARIO BATALI

JOURNALISM

It's an inexact science.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Via Gizmodo)

THOSE WACKY GERMANS

Check out this forklift-safety video. It's a little slow getting going, but has some strong highlights. The 3:44 mark, for example, illustrates a forklift hazard that would never have occured to this blog without the aid of drugs. And after that it gets weird.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

LET'S SEND HIM TO WASHINGTON

Missouri man, angered over DTV switch, shoots his TV set

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CSI: DUBLIN

Irish police have solved the mystery of a Polish recidivist who clocked up 50 traffic offences on different addresses and who was never caught, after one officer noticed his name meant driving licence in Polish.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, Andrew Hoenig, Baron von Klyff and Andy the TropicHunt.com™ Guy)