Dave Barry's Blog

WE DON'T NEED THAT HERE; WE HAVE CONGRESS

BERLIN (Reuters) - Clowns from across the world met in Germany Friday to pitch laughter as a way to survive the economic crisis.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

LONDON FASHION OUTLOOK

It's looking chilly.

(Thanks to Shari)

BOTH THE WOMAN AND THE BABY WILL RECEIVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

KETTERING — A Harrison Twp. woman faces child endangering charges after police said she admitted to breastfeeding her child and talking on a cell phone while driving, according to Kettering Police Officer Michael Burke.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Chuck Cody)

THIS IS A JOKE

We hope.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THE FLORIDA BOARD OF COSMETOLOGY

Keeping You Safe From Fish Pedicures

(Thanks to Jos)

ATTENTION, MEN:

Now there's a girdle Core Precision Undershirt for you.

(Thanks to marfie and DavCat)

CSI: BRADENTON

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

WHEN YOU'RE TALKING CLASS

...you're talking Vegas.

(Thanks to SW and Joshua Orpin)

CSI: URBANA

Also: Eeeeyew.

(Thanks to SW and Horace LaBadie)

CELEBRATE APPROPRIATELY

Tomorrow is Sword Swallowers Awareness Day.

(Thanks to Jeff Kleinman)

SANITY-REASSERTION UPDATE

DENVER — The Colorado State Patrol is reconsidering the jaywalking ticket issued to a good Samaritan who was seriously injured by a pickup after he pushed three people out of its path.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HEY, WE'RE ALL FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

But let's not get crazy.

(Thanks to Joshua Orpin, Mark Schlesinger and BillyJoeJimBob)

DO YOUR PART FOR THE SPACE PROGRAM

Vote for "Buddy."

DENVER:

City of Priorities

(Thanks to shlbycindy)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

A 90-year-old man had to be rescued after straying onto a high speed dual carriageway on his 8mph mobility scooter.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IT DOES NOT GET MUCH WORSE

A radioactive pedophile.

(Thanks to DavCat)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to Joe and DavCat)

MAYBE THEY WERE NATURAL BULLET HOLES

Kansas City, Mo. - Police and medical examiners who thought a man died of natural causes changed their minds after funeral-home workers found bullet holes in his head.

(Thanks to wiredog)

ART UPDATE

An artist in China has produced a set of giant bazooms:

We see this as an homage to the oeuvre of Woody Allen:

(Thanks to Siouxie and catmanmax)

CAREGIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie and Onterrible)

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR MOBY GRAPE

The Psychedelic Bouncing Frogfish

(Thanks to Dr. Doug and Onterrible)

FASHION UPDATE

(Thanks to Danny)

WORRIED ABOUT THE ECONOMY?

Here's something to take your mind off it.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using octopi.

(Thanks to Guin, jj, jon harris and catmanmax)

THE VACUUM IS STILL IN THERAPY

(Thanks to Wizzy, catmanmax and Karen Bridgers)

SCIENCE BULLETIN

Anybody who has watched a dog take 27 minutes to decide which of two identical patches of ground it should poop on will be interested in this.

(Thanks to marfie and DavCat)

ALSO, YOU'LL HAVE TO BRING YOUR OWN BARF BAG

LONDON (Reuters) – Irish carrier Ryanair, Europe's largest budget airline, might start charging passengers for using the toilet while flying, chief executive Michael O'Leary said on Friday.

(Thanks to DavCat)

DOG TOY REPORT

There's a type of dog toy that's quite popular -- a long, skinny soft toy, made of stuffed terry cloth with a squeaker inside. Here's a picture of a new one:

These are great dog toys, with one caveat: you should not give them to an actual dog.

Because the dog will NOT REST until it has killed the toy and removed the squeaker (allow 18 seconds). Soon your house will be littered with filthy disgusting drool-drenched squeaky-toy corpses.

SPEAKING OF POLLS:

You can help NASA name Node 3!

(Thanks to William Carroll)

This blog voted for "Buddy."

EVERYTHING IS AMAZING AND NOBODY'S HAPPY

Gather 'round, grasshoppers, and get a grip.

What will you do with your share of the $827 billion economic stimulus package?
	My what?
	I'm going to spend it on infrastructure.
	I will donate it to a  large needy bank.
	Montpelier.
	This is kind of off-topic, but I really don't think adults should wear Crocs.
pollcode.com free polls

EVENTUALLY YOU GET USED TO THE SMELL

Toyota Wants to Build Car From Seaweed

(Via Gizmodo)

AND SHE FINISHED THEM OFF WITH A PINCH OF CILANTRO

70-year-old Elyria woman fights off 4 robbers with Emeril Lagasse pan

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE'RE NUMBER TWO!

(Thanks to marfie)

FASHION UPDATE

A designer has unveiled a full face headdress made of real mice and rat carcasses on the fringes of London Fashion Week.

(Thanks to Danny and Ralph)

MEN:

She might be single.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Kay Myers)

GAINESVILLE

Where parking laws matter.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Kay Myers)

What do you think?
	I agree.
	I disagree.
	Anybody who disagrees with me is an idiot.
	I blame global warming.
	Montpelier.
pollcode.com free polls

CSI: BROOKSVILLE, FLORIDA

When they got there, deputies say Lori told them she tried to hug Kevin twice, however he pushed her away because he did not wish to be hugged. Kevin claims Lori grabbed him several times, so he threw her on the bed to get away from her.

(Thanks to Kay Myers)

TRAFFIC UPDATE

Monster pig terrifies Hessian motorists

(Thanks to DavCat)

Wait a minute: Weren't the Hessians the ones who fought against George Washington? If so, the hell with them.

AND THE AWARD FOR HIGHEST RATIO OF BAD PUNS TO ACTUAL INFORMATION GOES TO...

Mr. Peter Mucha

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

OK, you get a crocodile, and then you tape a magnet to its head, and then...

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE ARE OF COURSE FLATTERED

Hi Dave --
This image is from the Ice Sculpture Competition in Timmins, Ontario. Somehow when I saw it, I thought of your column.
--Peter Grant

THERE IS NO PERVERT

...like an elephant pervert.

(Although this particular elephant could be training for a career in law enforcement.)

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

HEY, IT WAS A RENTAL

Larue said he started a small fire in the car in order to keep warm...

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

DROP THE FABRIC SOFTENER NOW

Woman Accused Of Breaking Into Home To Do Laundry

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

CELEBRITY CHEFS GONE WILD

Chef Paula Deen loses her pants during festival demo

LAW ENFORCEMENT

You do what you have to do.

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

BALTIMORE

City of Manners

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and dfjazzzz)

UNTIL THIS IS CLEARED UP, WE ARE ADVISING EVERYBODY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OUTDOORS

Riding a geyser of raw sewage, the toilet slammed into Okolie and knocked him to the floor, Okolie's attorney said in court documents. The sewage, the attorney asserted, "overwhelmed him and spread to all rooms of the basement."

(Thanks to Sally and Ralph)