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January 22, 2009

THE SQUIRRELS PUT HIM UP TO IT

"It was simply a nut-free zone."

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Yarnbombing

Knitting_1243566c

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

FORTUNATELY, HE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Man crashes into truck, business, fence and a tree

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

GOOD THING THEY DIDN'T HAVE A HORSE

Man arrested after throwing cat at wife during dispute

(Thanks to Siouxie)

A WATERPROOF FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE ARRIVED THE NEXT DAY

(Thanks to CJrun)

FITNESS UPDATE

England's Gymbox in Bank lets you bench press dwarves

(Thanks to Ralph)

DON'T HARSH DADDY'S BUZZ, LITTLE DUDE

A B.C. man probably wishes he had given his 11-month-old son a set of keys to play with instead of a phone, after the infant accidentally dialled 9-1-1 and brought police to dad's marijuana grow operation.

(Thanks to DavCat)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT, II

Former French President Chirac hospitalised after mauling by his clinically depressed poodle

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

WE NEVER REALLY TRUSTED THEM

Dung beetles are evolving into vicious carnivores

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PAGING MR. HITCHCOCK

'Apocalyptic' pigeons strike fear in town

(Apocalyptic Pigeons would be a good name etc.)

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SURRENDER IS IMMINENT

France looks into "magic cheese" case in South America

(Thanks to Siouxie)

January 21, 2009

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Vomiting Birds and the Icebox Pair

(Thanks to Danny, who says, "You think you had a bad Christmas?")

THOSE LITTLE FURRED BASTARDS

They have tricked moron naive humans into appreciating them; meanwhile, they continue their relentless campaign of terrorism.

(Thanks to numerous people)

YOU HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT THE INAUGURATION

Here's what really happened.

(Stealth Bloggerette embedded update)

(Video by the Herald's Emily Michot)

A CANDIDATE FOR HEADLINE OF THE DAY...

Unfortunately it seems to have been dropped. (Har.)

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

WITH A LITTLE DYNAMITE, THEY COULD BOTH HAVE PLENTY

Two Irish villages are fighting over the carcass of a 65ft whale which became stranded and died in the bay they share.

(Thanks to DavCat)

January 20, 2009

VIDEO UPDATE

The Lawn Rangers can be seen in C-span's streaming video starting at 1:14:37. The President and the First Lady seemed to be enjoying their performance, and they didn't even have any intensive preparations.

(Many thanks to Danny)

Embedded

p.s. Explanation of The Blog's mower: The sign says EMBEDDED REPORTER.

(Thanks to Steve P. for the photo)

UPDATE

Inaug10

ME AND MY MOWER

Inaug9daveandmower

UPDATE

Inaug8

The Porta-Potty situation is dire.

UPDATE

Inaug7

Now that I have a cowboy hat, I'm learning my way around a horse.

UPDATE

Inaug6z

There are a LOT of people here.

UPDATE

Inaug5

This is the Lawn Ranger bus. We have been on it for 46,500 hours so far today.

AN EPIC COLLECTION OF STUDS

Inaug4

UPDATE

Inaug3

The guy in the middle is the only person here actually dressed for the weather.

UPDATE

Inaug2

Here I am with former President Lincoln.

INAUGURATION UPDATE

Inaug1_2

After hours of effort, the World Famous Lawn Rangers have made it through parade security. We are now enjoying breakfast in a tent outside the Pentagon. And we are looking sharp in our coordinated uniforms.

INAUGURAL POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

"We are the whoopee cushion of the parade," declared Ranger veteran Tom Bruno, a member of the Champaign City Council.

(Thanks to Gary)

January 19, 2009

24

Tonight I am in Washington, D.C., engaging in intensive preparations for tomorrow''s inaugural parade, so I will not be able to help you ridicule analyze tonight's episode. But I'm sure you'll all do fine, down there in the comments section.

Here is the plot so far:

A terrorist group  working for the evil African Subplot General Dubaku has gotten hold of a top-secret CIP module that controls the entire infrastructure. Tony, who was dead for several seasons but recovered thanks to a hypothermic injection, has been working for the terrorists, and for a while he was actually bad, but then he became good again, but he pretended that he was still bad so that he could be an undercover agent, working with Chloe and Bill, who are basically in charge of national security, because everybody who works for the federal government is either a mole, or incompetent, or an incompetent mole. Once Jack realized that Tony was really good, he helped him escape from the FBI, which fired 127,763 rounds of ammunition at them, all of which missed.

Jack and Tony went back to the terrorists, who initially intended to kill Jack, but decided not to because it would be bad for ratings. So now Jack is also pretending to be a terrorist. At the end of last week, he and Tony and the rest of the terrorist gang were trying to kidnap Prime Minister Somebody, and I am frankly not sure why. Edgar is still dead, as is Roger, the deceased son of President Woman President and her husband, Mr. President Woman President, who has been pushing the Dead Son Subplot in such a whiny and irritating way that we're starting to wonder if he might be related to you-know-who.

Anyway, good luck to you all tonight. Be sure to stay tuned at the end for the plot summary by The Amazing Steve,

REMINDER

Tonight, 9 p.m. Eastern Module Time.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Bulldog gobbles up baby's 15 pacifiers

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT OF FAITH-BASED INITIATIVES

Police say he also helped organize a $10-a-ticket raffle that offered an evening with a prostitute.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

FASCISM CONTINUES TO CREEP

"I think the six months is a bit stiff, but I knew there'd be consequences," he said.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that alcohol was involved)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

I'm on my way to Washington, D.C., to lend an air of dignity and class to the inauguration, so blogging from me will be sporadic for the next several days.

TIME TO TRY NUCLEAR WEAPONS

Killing cats to restore island backfires as rabbits take over

(Thanks to Clinton Laing)

WE CAN IMAGINE

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they're saying you can't even go pantsless in an IHOP.

(Thanks to JavaGal2)

INAUGURATION-SECURITY UPDATE

Approximately 650 police officers, including explosive detection dogs, will fan out across the capital's transit system to protect passengers during Inauguration Day.

(Thanks to Arlen Fletcher, who states: "My dog can become explosive if I give him the wrong food.")

IN THE WORLD OF PRECISION-LAWNMOWER-DRILL TEAMS

It is dog eat dog.

January 18, 2009

MAYBE, BUT WE'RE BETTING A LOT OF THEM OCCUR IN THE JEWELRY STORE

Wealthy men give women more orgasms

(Thanks to Danny)

THEY CAN ALSO HANDLE CALLS TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Potted plants nod to lonely Japanese

(Thanks to DavCat)

SPORTS UPDATE

NBA Player Almost Gets Eaten by a Crocodile

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

January 17, 2009

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Shoplifter gets run over twice by her getaway car

(Thanks to Danny and Jeff Meyerson)
   

LET'S HOPE THE IRS DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT THIS

Debt collector hires witch

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

CSI: THE BAHAMAS

A serial fish thief who officials say reached into a tank, picked up a shark with his bare hands and smuggled it out of a store in his jacket has been arrested, Nassau police said.

(Thanks to DavCat)

January 16, 2009

FORTUNATELY, SHE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA LICENSE

Woman crashes into man on scooter, leaves scene to keep hair appointment

(Thanks to cterpstra)

HEY, SHE UNPLUGGED HIS X-BOX

Deltona man arrested in taco assault on mom

44556280

(Thanks to Danny)

HONG KONG

Your go-to choice for footwear.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

SCIENCE BULLETIN

If we read this story correctly, something on Mars is farting.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins)

 
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