Dave Barry's Blog

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Tourists irk fishermen by licking their tuna

(Thanks to DavCat)

CSI: HAMILTON

Pork chops leave a trail of mystery

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND STILL THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

GAY PENGUIN UPDATE

They have tied the knot.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

ADVISORY TO MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DRINKING AND AS A RESULT HAVE TAKEN A FANCY TO A RACCOON

No means no.

(Thanks to DavCat, Afkat and Siouxie)

WHITE HOUSE STAFF UPDATE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

AIRLINE-FOOD COMPLAINT LETTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Excerpt: The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

(Thanks to John Regan)

SPORTS UPDATE FROM ALVASTON

TWO sheep's heads were thrown at two pubs before the Forest-Derby clash on Friday, police have confirmed.

THEY WILL RISE UP AND KILL US ALL SOON

Very soon.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

24

Tragically, for the second Monday in a row, I will be unable to join you tonight, as I have tickets to the Miami Heat an unavoidable business-related obligation that is totally related to business as I interpret the U.S. Tax Code. However, between the live analysis by the commenters and recap by The Amazing Steve™, I am confident that you will be in good hands.

To bring you up to date on the plot: Jack and Tony are still pretending to be bad guys helping the terrorists who stole the Module of Doom, which controls the infrastructure. They have captured Former Prime Minister Matobo and his wife Alama at the behest of the evil African Subplot General Dubaku of Sangala, even as Senator Amidala, the former Queen of Naboo, has arrived on the planet Coruscant to vote on the issue of creating a Republic army to assist the Jedi. Or something along those lines. Last week Jack pretended to kill Renee the lady FBI agent, but he didn't really kill her, because, duh.

Edgar is still dead.

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

A man who uses water instead of toilet paper says he was sacked for his "un-Australian" toilet habits.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and DavCat)

PEACE OF MIND

When you send your child off into the world, all alone, to live in a foreign nation where he's unable to speak the language ("I'm knackered, mate; let's nip round the pub for some bangers and mash"), it helps to know the people of that nation have kind and welcoming hearts...

...and that they'll be there to lend a hand, even if he inadvertently makes some sort of cultural blunder.

REMINDER

Tonight at 9 p.m. Eastern Infrastructure Time.

CRIMEFIGHTER OF THE DAY SO FAR

She's a mom with a stun gun in a diaper bag.

(Thanks to jon harris)

ATTENTION, SCHOLARS

According to Mary Margaret Satterfield of the Conway Area Chamber of Commerce, it is now time for those interested in receiving a Toad Suck scholarships to apply.

Update:

Toad Suck is the name for a ford on the Arkansas River, near where Hendrix is located. In the olden days, steamboats and barges on the river sometimes had to stop there to wait if the river was running low. The crews would tie up their boats, and while waiting, they visited the tavern. The local citizenry, displeased by the sometimes unsavory crowd, were fond of saying "they suck on the bottle 'til they swell up like toads." Thus, the name Toad Suck stuck.
--Corinne Marasco

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

URGENT MEDICAL UPDATE FOR GUYS

Key Medical Condition: "Brewer's droop"

(Thanks to David Elwart)

IT'S FOUND MAINLY IN DOUGHNUTS

Obesity 'Virus' Spreads Like Common Cold, Scientists Say

(Thanks to Ken Brown)

FOREIGN CUISINE UPDATE

(Thanks to Alan Andolsen)

PEOPLE OF ILLINOIS:

Here's your next governor.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

LOOKING FOR A VACATION SPOT?

Look no farther.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

YOU MAY LAUGH, BUT THIS IS ESSENTIALLY AMERICA'S CURRENT ECONOMIC POLICY

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)

THERE IS NO GREATER HONOR

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

IT'S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE'S NAMES

Otherwise we might link to this.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

GUYS DO NOT THINK ONLY ABOUT SEX

Sometimes they also think about music.

(Thanks to Danny)

A FLORIDA LICENSE WILL BE TOSSED UP TO THIS MOTORIST

(Thanks to catmanmax)

RELATIONSHIP OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Woman stabs boyfriend during reconciliation dinner

(Thanks to Annette Gaudreau)

CELEBRITY UPDATE

(Thanks to Annette Gaudreau)

THE CRACK EPIDEMIC

It's getting worse.

ADVISORY TO MEN

No means no,

(Thanks to Linda Pocatelli)

IF YOU THINK AMERICANS DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES

Go here and read the debate in the comments about the size of Miss America's hands.

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

CULINARY UPDATE FROM THE PHUKET GAZETTE

In Kalasian’s Yang Talat district, where temperatures can drop as low as eight degrees in the hills and 12 degrees on the plain, markets have begun to fill up with stalls selling live bats and bat-based dishes.

Nothing warms this blog up on a cold winter day like a hearty heapin' helpin' of bat.

(Thanks to Ralph)

SQUIRREL APPRECIATION UPDATE

This is how they do it in Defiance.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

LEGAL UPDATE

Batman Fighting Arrest In Court

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHEN THEY SAW THE LAWN RANGERS, THEY LEFT IMMEDIATELY

A UFO dropped in on Barack Obama’s inauguration ceremony, it was claimed last night.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CELEBRITY UPDATE

Key Excerpt: Ross went on to ask a stunned Cruise if he passed wind while sharing a bed with wife Katie Holmes.

TODAY'S TOILET-RESCUE BRIEFING

We have a ring and a foot.

This has been Today's Toilet-Rescue Briefing.

MEDICAL QUESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

FOR A MOMENT THERE WE THOUGHT THIS WAS ABOUT A CRAZED PROCTOLOGIST

Colon man charged with arson of SUV

(Thanks to John Oliphant)

CRIME IN NIGERIA

It's baaad.

Key Excerpt: In a front-page article on Friday, the Vanguard newspaper said that two men tried to steal a Mazda car two days earlier in Kwara State, with one suspect transforming himself into a goat as vigilantes cornered him.

(Thanks to Jeff Arch, Horace LaBadie, Ralph, Mark Schlesinger, Annette Gaudreau and Mr. Completely)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using vegetables.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie, catmanmax and Siouxie)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES

(Thanks to Danny)

CSI: GAINESVILLE

The case of the "The monkey got out of the cage" text message has been solved.

(Thanks to catmanmax)

THIS BLOG BEGS TO DIFFER

The headline to this story (thanks to Siouxie) states that at the inauguration "Porta-potties went largely unused." Whoever wrote that story clearly was not in the parade staging area, where these exclusive CrapCam (Har!) photographs were taken:

ATTENTION, PETA

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT PROBABLY TASTES BETTER THAN AIRLINE FOOD

Escaped dog grounds jet after eating aircraft interior

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THOSE LITTLE FURRED BASTARDS

Nurses told to walk in pairs 'to protect them from squirrels'

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

CLEARLY HE WAS TRYING TO GET TO FLORIDA

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHO SAYS GUYS DON'T CARE ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE?

Not us.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WELL DUH

(Thanks to Annette Gaudreau)

IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS BLOG'S LONGTIME PROFESSIONAL INTEREST IN FIGURE SKATING

...that we are linking to this.

WARNING: Not safe for people who do not wish their screen to display a bosom.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who gives her a 9.5)