Dave Barry's Blog

HE HAS OUR VOTE (THE SNAKE, WE MEAN)

Four-legged snake helps legislative candidate lure attention

SUPER BOWL, SHMUPER BOWL

These guys play without pads.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

NOOOOOOOOO

(Thanks to marfie)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

Police arrest man driving boom lift at 3 a.m.

Key Excerpt: The man, who apparently had been drinking, was in the lift bucket of the Genie Boom with an unopened six-pack of beer and a bag of beef jerky when police pulled the vehicle over. He was clocked at 2 mph.

(Thanks to Billy Shields)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away a man's right to operate a small business.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

It's Gun O'Clock!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CONFESSIONS OF A STEALTH BLOGGERETTE

Last night, I decided to test my mental skills by participating in the online screening for potential Jeopardy contestants. Here is what I learned: If you want to feel like a Big Stupid Moron, you can't go wrong trying out for Jeopardy.

The way it works is, you get 15 seconds to read the question and type in your answer. This seems like a reasonable amount of time before the test begins. But when you read a question that says "When the x axis is blahblahblah of the blahblahblah the domain, what is the y?" you realize just how short 15 seconds is. It's not enough time to figure out the question, that's how short it is.

And it's even worse when they ask you a question that you absolutely know the answer to, like "Lynette Scavo and Gabrielle Solis live on Wisteria Lane in this television program," and you CANNOT THINK OF THE NAME OF THE SHOW and 13 12 11 you know it, you know it, dammit, you watch it every week, on Sunday night at 10, and for some reason The Witches of Eastwick pops into your head and you cannot get it out and 8 7 6 what is it? oh grrrr, TERI HATCHER, Bree HODGE, you freaking beeping ... 3 2 1 gaaaaaaaaank....

I LOST ON JEOPARDY

p.s. Pat Sajak, if you are reading this: I am excellent at Wheel of Fortune.

AS WELL HE SHOULD

(Thanks to John Grant)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Swiss village fights back after invasion of naked Germans

(Thanks to Siouxie, who notes that France has already surrendered)

SOCIAL NOTE FROM HEBRON, INDIANA

Sister accused of attacking bride at reception

(Thanks to lakedog1)

WHEN PEOPLE SAY THIS NATION HAS LOST ITS GREATNESS

This blog just laughs.

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

DUDE

Want to check out some art?

Key Term: "easel whizz"

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie and Andrew Hoenig)

FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES (INCLUDING ONE EQUESTRIAN VERSION) ARE ON THEIR WAY

To this person and this person.

(Thanks to queensbee, Siouxie and Mark Schlesinger)

CSI: BEAVER CREEK

An employee said they saw the man stuff sushi in his pockets... When a manager confronted him about the sushi, she saw he also stuffed a Sobe Life Water in his pocket. He claimed he got it at another store, but she clued him in that her store was the only one that sold them. She also noticed the man had a burrito tucked beneath a pair of ski gloves in his helmet.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

THIS BLOG, FOR ONE, WILL MISS THE LITTLE WEASEL

THEY'LL NEVER FIND THE KEYS

Council workers  find a Ford Escort buried in pensioner's overgrown garden

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THEY CALL HER...

Mom, churchgoer, 'dildo lady'

(Also thanks to Danny)

Update: Be advised that if you don't read the comments for this one, you are missing some comments.

THEY CALL HIM...

Panty-wearing man.

(Thanks to Danny)

GOOD TO KNOW

A Swiss research group says a study it conducted found that women's underarms typically smell like onions, while men's smell like cheese.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger and Danny)

WHEN YOU ORDER FROM A PLACE NAMED GOOMBA'S

You shut up and eat the calzone.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

(Thanks to bruce)

SHE WILL OF COURSE CONTINUE TO FIT RIGHT IN ON THE ROADS AND SIDEWALKS OF FLORIDA

Pedestrians ran in every direction and a woman and her dogs jumped into a lake as a 77-year-old motorist led officers on a wild, yet slow, ride through the hub of Port Orange near City Hall.

(Thanks to Horace LaBadie)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

We were going to pick this guy. But then we found out about these guys.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko, Matt Filar, Bill Moore and Gary)

UPDATE: Excellent video here.

(Thanks to ScottMGS)

MOST DISTURBING TOY OF THE MORNING SO FAR

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

'Immortal' jellyfish swarming across the world

(Thanks to Suzanne)

FURTHER EDUCATION

A further education college offered lunchtime pole dancing demonstrations to 14-year-old students prompting a wave of complaints from teachers who branded it inappropriate.

Key Shocking Revelation: ...staff had complained that after the first performance pupils were more interested in watching their mobile phone recordings than they were in their afternoon classes.

(Thanks to Not My Usual Alias)

DATELINE CENTERVILLE, UTAH

The Carl's Jr. restaurant here is planning a "funeral service" to mourn the loss of a toilet accidentally shot by a customer.

WE SEE NO RESEMBLANCE WHATSOEVER, ESPECIALLY NOT THE HAIR

Dear Mr. Barry,

I have determined through the careful study of photographs, that Gov. Rod Blagojevich is actually you in disguise.

-- mrblooz

WE NEED A TRUCKLOAD OF CHICKEN PARTS STAT

Massive Buffalo wing sauce spill shuts down Fairfield street

(Thanks to kvkennedy)

AND THEY ALL HAVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

(Thanks to many people, alive and dead)

THE INTERNET

It's finally starting to pay off.

(Thanls to DavCat)

YIKES

IF YOU'RE PLANNING TO EAT EVER AGAIN

...do not click here.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS NOT A NATIONAL HOLIDAY

 (Thanks to this blog's baby brother Sam)

JAPANESE FASHION ACCESSORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Via Gizmodo)

SPORTS UPDATE

Pig will attempt to choose Super Bowl XLIII winner

AUSTRALIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

KIDS DRAW THE DARNEDEST THINGS

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

CSI: PORT ST. LUCIE

Fla. firefighter charged for taking severed foot

(Thanks to queensbee)

NEXT THEY'LL TRY TO TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHT TO SMEAR THEM ON OUR LAWYER

Man indicted for mailing animal feces

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ALASKA

Land of the Free

(Thanks to DavCat)

YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO QUIT WHEN...

SLO mobile home fire caused by cigarette left before residents went to smoking cessation meeting

(Thanks to DavCat)

FASHION UPDATE

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHERE, EXACTLY, WAS TONY SOPRANO?

Dead birds in Franklin Township were killed on purpose

(Thanks to Barbara A)

THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR AN OBSTETRICIAN SAY

"It was a shock, especially finding the eighth baby."

(Thanks to Brian Clay)

BUT IT'S STILL A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Peer reveals 'cello scrotum' a hoax

(Thanks to DavCat and Horace LaBadie)

MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH, YOUR HONOR?

No.

(Thanks to Stevie)

TODAY'S SURVIVAL TIP

Never be more than arm's length from whiskey.

(Thanks to Siouxie, Matt Filar and Claire Martin)

ALSO, CHOCOLATE BUNNIES WILL HAVE TO BE SPAYED

Nassau Democrats passed a bill Monday to make candy retailers put candy and bubble-gum cigarettes behind the counter, much like real cigarettes.

(Thanks to queensbee)

THE RESTAURANT MUST HAVE RUN OUT OF BAT

Seven diners in northern Japan fell ill and three remained hospitalized Tuesday after eating blowfish testicles prepared in a restaurant not authorized to serve the poisonous delicacy.

(Thanks to Dr. Doug)