24
Here is the situation inside the perimeter as far as we can determine from the schematics:
The Counter Terrorism Unit (CTU) has been dismantled, probably because the authorities finally realized that it was directly responsible for 93 percent of the terrorism that has occurred in the United States over the past six years. Jack Bauer has been ordered to Washington, D.C., to receive a huge federal bailout.
No, seriously, Jack is in Washington to face charges that he has done bad things. We are going to go out on a limb here and speculate that there will be Unexpected Developments, including the return of Tony, who as you recall used to be dead, which as far as we know Edgar still is. We further speculate that these developments will lead to some kind of Crisis that will involve President Woman President, Chloe, Bill, Janeane Garofolo, and Alice as the housekeeper.
Are you ready? Andy the TropicHunt.com guy is.
UPDATE: I hope these motorists got the terrorist coverage.
UPDATE: Senator Craig!
UPDATE: Jack don't need no stinking lawyer.
UPDATE: Is Senator Craig the dad from That Seventies Show?
UPDATE: Hot federal chick to the rescue! She needs Jack.
UPDATE: Hackers!
UPDATE: Jack is SUCH a charmer.
UPDATE: "If he goes off, I'll call you." Heheheheh.
UPDATE: If not for the fact that we've been seeing previews for six months showing us that Tony is alive, we would be shocked that Tony is alive.
UPDATE: It wasn't Tony's body in the grave. It was Jimmy Hoffa.
UPDATE: I HATE it when the C.I.P, module goes out of phase.
UPDATE: The White House gets its information from CNN, just like everybody else.
UPDATE: "Here's your briefing package." Heheheheh.
UPDATE: The old Lost Son Subplot.
UPDATE: I hate it when I lose sync.
UPDATE: I for one am tired of Jack sitting around in a suit and talking.
UPDATE: They're saving energy by keeping the Situation Room really dark.
UPDATE: Apparently half the lightbulbs in the executive branch have been unscrewed.
UPDATE: The terrorists have messed up air traffic. In other words: situation normal.
UPDATE: The PI looks like G. Gordon Liddy.
UPDATE: Seriously, people: TURN ON THE FREAKING LIGHTS.
UPDATE: Jack is slowly undressing.
UPDATE: Code name Hatteras? That's MY code name, dammit!
UPDATE: OK, basically, wherever Jack goes, terrorism occurs. LA finally got rid of him, now he's in DC, and bingo. The solution is: send jack to iran.
UPDATE: "He won't need to put his hands on anybody." Heheheh.
UPDATE: "I can handle Bauer." Heheheh.
UPDATE: "Jack, you're coming with me. And you're doing this my way." Heheheheh.
UPDATE: For the record: If we get to the one-hour mark, and the only violence has been a car crash, I am going to be VERY disappointed.
UPDATE: I have a bad feeling about the Africa subplot.
UPDATE: If it gets any darker in the White House, they'll have to wear miners' helmets.
UPDATE: Gabe has been hitting the minibar.
UPDATE: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
UPDATE: Don't mess with the hot federal chick.
UPDATE: They should have requested a non-sniping room.
UPDATE: Maybe the pilot of GSA 117 had to use the head.
UPDATE: The highlights of the first hour! This shouldn't take long.
UPDATE: Jack has the alley.
UPDATE: Janeane Garofolo keeps repeating to herself, "They are paying me a lot of money."
UPDATE: I've been on worse flights.
UPDATE: The federal government should definitely stop using Vista.
UPDATE: Yep. That's the module, all right.
UPDATE: The White House spokesperson reminds me of Our Miss Brooks.
UPDATE:
UPDATE: President Woman President said "bastards."
UPDATE: Surprising, the number of Fords in this show.
UPDATE: Oh, just KISS HER, Jack.
UPDATE: By "near miss," they of course mean "near collision."
UPDATE: Uh-oh. The Africa Subplot is the actual Plot.
UPDATE: Hey! They stole this plot from Science Fair.
UPDATE: "How far would you have gone?" Heheheh.
UPDATE: Now we're talking. Jack has his gun back.
UPDATE: Why is Jack wearing an overcoat?
UPDATE: "Cover me." Heheheh.
UPDATE: How come the screens on TV-show computers NEVER display normal-looking things?
UPDATE: Verdict: VERY slow start. A plot about a module, which sounds way too much like the plot about the circuit board. We will watch the previews of tomorrow night, hoping for signs of life.
UPDATE: Not much to hope for. We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve, who will, we hope, make sense of all this.
fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirst!!!!
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:00 PM
I'll post a summary, after the show (maybe even during!)
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 11, 2009 at 08:00 PM
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !
DAY 7! Jack better show some COURAGE!
Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("Your JackSack™ carries all the essentials you need for Washington D.C., congressional bills, impeachment papers and a Glock 9mm!") and ChloeSack™ ("We're proud to resume our support of tonight's season premiere, as well as Chloe!")
LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE (IN THE JOOOOOOOOOOOOONGLE)!
This "24" intro was brought to you by sheer patience...since nothing else important happened in the world between the last episode and tonight! Nothing at all.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:00 PM
FIRST!!
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2009 at 08:00 PM
Please don't hurt Dr. Phlox!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:02 PM
Well, there's My TONY
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:02 PM
Red!!
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2009 at 08:02 PM
Ha, found you all
Posted by: Wyo Cowboy | January 11, 2009 at 08:02 PM
I don't need no steeenkin' council!
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Jack don't need no wussy attorney!
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
This'll be the year Edgar comes back to life! I just know it!
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
"Where's your counsel, dumbass?"
Posted by: jt | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Where is everybody?
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Well, it started off with a bang...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
counsel? jack bauer don't need no steenkin' counsel!
Posted by: insomniac | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
"Tommy Flanagan" is a cast member this year? Wasn't that the name of Jon Lovitz' SNL character who lied all the time???
Posted by: tw | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
ah. You don't need counsel if you aren't going to answer.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
oops. he answered. never mind.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM
Geez, Jack. You could've gotten a lawyer from Legal Aid.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
Is that Larry Craig?
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
Oh, since when is stabbing someone in the thigh against procedure? Jack set the Standard Operating Procedure for CTU!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
Jack doesn't give a pig's patoot about implications!
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
*witing for Red to call him a dumbass*
Posted by: Layzeeboy | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
Hello all. Sorry I'm late, computer problems. But hey, a few minutes late beats a year late with this premiere.
Posted by: homeybeef | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
It’s been a couple of months since we left our hero, so to refresh your memory (and to bring those who didn’t see it up to speed quickly), here is:
The haiku guide to 24: Redemption
Jack, in Africa,
Sees efforts of friend Benton
Rendered null and Voight.
Jack’s now heading home
To moles, traitors, terrorists,
Torture, death. Good times.
...and we’re off.
Posted by: Ford79 | January 11, 2009 at 08:04 PM
TONYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
damn computer chose THIS MOMENT to completely tank on me!!!! GAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:05 PM
Senator Meyer is pompous.
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:05 PM
The difference between success and failure is...Jack. That, and clean socks.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:05 PM
Hey there, homeybeef - LOOOONG time no see!! :) You still in school?
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:05 PM
U tell 'em Jack!
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Bravo, Ford79!
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
That's a way to put a newly sat senator from Illinois in his place, Jack!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Ah. Finally I get to see somebody tell off a gasbag Congressman to his face during a hearing.
Too bad it's on a fictional TV show...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Great line: "I'm not surprised that anyone has a subpoena for Mr. Bauer"
haha haha
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Look! It's Jack's new girlfriend. She has nice hair.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
Shut your yap Red.
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
aGood looking red head...she needs Jack...some things never change.
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:06 PM
hey hey Diva. Still in school but not on monday nights!
When you ask for Jack Bauer, you receive Jack Bauer
Posted by: homeybeef | January 11, 2009 at 08:07 PM
"Go along with these agents, like a nice little Jack."
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:07 PM
ooh. brief case instead of a Jack Sack.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:07 PM
And if Jack doesn't show up for Senator Gasbag's star chamber, just what is the Senator going to do? Stamp his feet and pout?
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:07 PM
Ok, it's been too long since the opening salvo of gunfire. I need some thigh-stabbin'!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:07 PM
What's with that star tat on Janine's finger?
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
Where's the perimeter?
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
He's expected back before the Senat in 24 hours? That sounds about right...
Posted by: The Dead Henchman | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
Ooo, Sean is a male Chloe.
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
Is that Janeane Garafalo?
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
janeane garofalo is new chloe?
Posted by: insomniac | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
^5s Suzy Q - right on! Show me the THIGHS!!
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:08 PM
Finally loaded for me -- and I say a left-winger like Ganine G. will be Bauer fodder for about the next 24-or-so hours.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
technology thefts?
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Who was it that said "Hell is other people?" Sartre?
He must have had sharing a cubicle with Janeane Garofalo in mind when he said it...
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
In 24 hours, huh? As they used to say on MST3K, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a title!"
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
He was abducted 10 minutes ago...these guys move pretty fast
Posted by: Layzeeboy | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Neelix! They got Neelix!
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Who's the wimpy chick with the freckles?
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Not the CIB firewall! No, not THAT!!!
Posted by: tw | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Nooo, Jeanine Garafflo. She's a cheerful person.
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
janeane garofalo's job is to tell people where Jack Bauer is?
Posted by: homeybeef | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Those look like airplanes...look out!
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:09 PM
Love Janeane! She's a badass.
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
Oooh, bloooooooood!!!! (no, that's not Neelix - just looks a lot like 'im)
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
Nice Mistie ref, Renee, getting me misty thinking of it.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
Not good.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
They are ready for clearance, Clarence.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
Beware of snakes, plane people.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
"Some turbulence."
Heh.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:10 PM
*also ^5s Renee for MST ref*
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Don't bother with the pre-flight instructions, Jack knows where the exits are located already.
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Global Skies Airlines??? Everytime there's a fake airline name, that means the plane is going down!
Posted by: tw | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
hairy moss?
Posted by: insomniac | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
The old "take jack bauer and return him in 24 hours which is really next season" trick. Works everytime
Posted by: The Advising Priest | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Surely you can't be serious....AIRPLANE??
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
No cubicle can contain Jack Bauer!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Jack is a badass!! I love him!!!!
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
Janeanne Garafolo looks so fresh and clean...like she just finished shaving her lip.
Posted by: jt | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 PM
He has doubts about Jack? That's a shootin'
Posted by: Layzeeboy | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
"If he goes off I'll call you, so he can kill you."
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Oh, I think she can take Jack on by herself.
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Everyone in the FBI must whisper.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Not Neelix, but Phlox.
Posted by: Cassie | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Thanks, MartiniShark! *sends high five over the Internet*
Posted by: Renee (the First) | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Throw him back?!? They are treating Bauer like the catch of the day.
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Yes, I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley.
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Oh, Lord.
Angry right-wing Jack and grumpy leftie Janeane.
They've gone and turned "24" into a buddy movie.
We're screwed.
Posted by: Wes S. | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
Janeanne Garafolo looks so fresh and clean...like she just finished shaving her lip.
Posted by: jt | January 11, 2009 at 08:12 PM
tonyyyyyyyy!!!!
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Cheese - everyone on this SHOW whispers. It's EEEEVIL. *looks for Cat R. to sympathize*
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
blah blah blah
Why so much talky-talk?
Posted by: Suzy Q | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
"know what would help, Jeanine - if you stood on a phone book."
Posted by: MartiniShark | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Soul Patch lives!
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
TONY?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Yummy Tony!!! *sigh*
Posted by: Diva | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Must have dial-up. It took forever for that pic to load
Posted by: Layzeeboy | January 11, 2009 at 08:13 PM
Tony, Tony bo-bony, Tony.
Posted by: Cheesewiz | January 11, 2009 at 08:14 PM
The Chinese government? Oh good. Maybe they'll finally resolve that intriguing subplot!!!
Posted by: tw | January 11, 2009 at 08:14 PM
Was this episode written by the same people who wrote the "It was Just a Dream" year of Dallas?
Posted by: slyeyes | January 11, 2009 at 08:14 PM
They exhumed Tony's grave...it wasn't Tony!
Posted by: daisymae | January 11, 2009 at 08:14 PM
MY TONY MY TONY I LOVE HIM EVE IF HE'S BAD
Posted by: Wizzy | January 11, 2009 at 08:15 PM
Tony? A nearly dead man fakes his own death??
Posted by: Loudmouth | January 11, 2009 at 08:15 PM