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November 18, 2008

ADVISORY TO MAGICIAN/HAND-MODEL/ACTORS WHO OWN MARTHA STEWART LOUNGE CHAIRS

Be careful.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

SOUNDS PAINFUL

More here.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BAGEL

Monstrous Chinook Salmon Found in California

Giant_chinook_salmon_battlecreek

(Thanks to CJrun)

ATTENTION, TOILET-OWNERS OF JERSEY CITY

Watch out for scammers.

Although as we noted yesterday, they could be telling the truth.

(Thanks to Barbara A. and DavCat)

eBAY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

November 17, 2008

HE IS LEGEND

And she's no slouch, either. If you like the obvious, drop-dead gorgeous type.

Will_smith_and_rosario_dawson

Will Smith and Rosario Dawson visited the Herald today.

Will_and_rosario_walking

Much work was accomplished.

Tshai_and_crowds

FOR THOSE WHO WERE NOT FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO ATTEND THE MIAMI BOOK FAIR

Here's your chance to wet your pants laugh along with Dave as Frank McCourt discusses misery, angst, and trouble.
p.s. And Dave talks, too.

(Thanks to coastraven, who advises clicking the red "F" on the right side of the page to play the video)

(Please note that we ourselves are unable to connect to the video server, but we don't know if it's broken, or if it's some sort of firewall issue, or what.)

PROVING THAT THEY ARE SMARTER THAN THE PEOPLE RUNNING OUR ECONOMY

Cockroaches Plan Escape Routes, Study Shows

(Thanks to Philip Snyder)

WE'VE HAD FLIGHTS LIKE THAT

Pilots knock over a cow.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

THAT SHOULD DO IT

(Thanks to DavCat)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they are attacking our lobbyists with deer.

(Thanks to DavCat)

SOUTH CAROLINA GETS A TERRIFIC NEW STATE MOTTO

In other breaking toilet news, we have this, this and of course this.

Also, we think "Destiny's Toilet" would be a good name for a soap opera.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Give the gift that says, "You probably don't want to give me your home address."

Feet_earrings

(Thanks to Steve Pietrowicz)

INCREDIBLY, HE IS NOT SINGLE

Snakenose460_1115369c

IF YOU WATCH ONLY ONE VIDEO OF A WHALE SHARK POOPING...

...consider making it this one.

(Thanks to CJrun and Claire Martin)

HE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

"He probably miscalculated his ability to flee the scene," DeSantis said.

(Thanks to John Regan)

THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE ARE THANKFUL FOR...

Camera phones.

Wienermobile_santa_fe

Driving down the street in Santa Fe today I was very surprised to see the Weinermobile. I immediately pulled over and took some pictures with my crapcam. -- Larry Martell, alert driver

November 16, 2008

HAVE YOUR AIRSICKNESS BAG READY

Here's a video of the Rock Bottom Remainders at the Miami Book Fair last night. Performing in this song, among others, are Frank McCourt and Richard Belzer.

Brief Video UPDATE

November 15, 2008

ADVISORY

Sorry about the lack of posting, but this is the Miami Book Fair weekend, and the World Famous But Not In A Good Way Rock Bottom Remainders are in town, so we have been doing a lot of drinking rehearsing. Also yesterday there was some kind of technical problem with the blogging software that required 317 million emails, with a total of 683 billion cc's, to fix.

If you have no taste whatsoever would like to hear the Remainders, we'll be playing at the Book Fair this evening at 5. On hand will be Mitch Albom, my little but more-talented brother Sam Barry, Roy Blount Jr., Kathi Goldmark, Matt Groening, Carl Hiaasen, Frank McCourt, Ridley Pearson, Amy Tan, Scott Turow and possibly some other authors. We played a warmup gig last night at a Miami waterfront bar called Scotty's Landing and we were a huge hit, in the sense of very few shots being fired.

Here's a photo of distinguished attorney and author Scott Turow singing the Talking Heads' song And She Was, which has a lot of lyrics that Scott can never remember, so he reads them off the back of a fan that has my face on the front, and I don't know why. On the left is the real me. My pupils are turning red because I am secretly a werewolf:

Scott_talking_head_davesml

Here's a photo of some of the band. That's Matt Groening in the striped shirt; Mitch Albom is over his left shoulder. The sign on the tree says KEEP OUT OF TREE, which is a rule we always try to observe.
Band2sml

(Photos thanks to judi)

November 13, 2008

INCREDIBLY, THIS IS NOT FROM THE ONION

Local man invents vibrating toilet seat

Lg

(Thanks to Danny)

JOIN US ON THE GEEZER BUS

We are really starting to hate these stories about decrepit "Grandpas" who can still defend themselves even in their doddering, drooling old age (57). But it's true: We have the educational system of the 50s and 60s to thank for our toughness and grit.

Note: We would caution you about that second link, but we realize those films were shown in schools, so we have decided not to.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, and Rayne of the message board)

TODAY'S TRAVEL TIP FROM NEW YORK CITY

Do not ever, for any reason, under any circumstances, attempt to get from anywhere to La Guardia airport.

This has been Today's Travel Tip from New York City.

November 12, 2008

FROM THE LIST OF REASONS WE BELIEVE COPS DO NOT GET PAID ENOUGH

Incidents involving paper towel wads

(Thanks to Danny)

WE ASSUME HE ALREADY HAS A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

(Thanks to funniegrrl, who says "Nice try")

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE MONTH

When the thieves tried to sell the 62. 5-pound silver bar at a metal recycling business, the proprietor convinced the burglars that the bar was really made of lead and gave them $30 for it.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS STRUMPDATE

The Miami Book Fair is right around the corner. Don't miss the Rock Bottom Remainders as they perform their special brand of musical magic, guaranteed to make you turn to books in self-defense interested in reading.

(The quality of this video was cleverly designed to match the quality of the ... um... Hey, everyone! Check out the bloglits at 33 seconds!)

LEAST ACCURATELY NAMED MODE OF TRANSPORT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

"The Virgin intercity train."

(Thanks to Davec)

LEGAL MANEUVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The mayor of Batman, Turkey, is suing the producers of Batman.

(Thanks to Annie Where-bat-here)

WHOEVER THESE BELONG TO, THEY WON'T GET FAR

(Thanks to The Perts)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Man tries to pay bar tab with gum wrappers

(Thanks to Core Smith)

THE SOPRANOS MOVE INTO IDAHO

Woman finds frozen pig head on pole in her yard

(Thanks to sjhaller and Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN CHEESE IS OUTLAWED, ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE CHEESE

Key Quote That We Seriously Doubt Was Ever Said By "one shopper" But We Are Including It Anyway: "She hit one of them smack in the face with a very ripe gorgonzola which must have been like getting a dose of natural CS gas," said one shopper.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ATTENTION ALL KOMAROVO UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

November 11, 2008

THE MAKING OF A PRESIDENT

As you may know, I am a veteran member of the world-famous Lawn Rangers precision lawnmower drill team, whose members march every year at the Broom Corn festival in Arcola, Ill., as well as various other events, depending on how drunk they are scheduling. (I have written two columns about the Lawn Rangers, which can be found here and here.) The Lawn Rangers perform highly sophisticated semi-synchronized maneuvers with lawnmowers, brooms, and toilet plungers. Membership in this crack unit is a great honor, bestowed only on whoever shows up very few people.

Today I received an email from Lawn Rangers co-founder Pat Monahan, with a photograph taken in 2003 when the Rangers marched in the Chicago St. Patrick's Day parade. Joining them on this occasion was an up-and-coming Illinois state senator, seen here participating in the rigorous rookie-training program:

Obama_2

MEN:

Do not click here.

NOVEMBER 11

We interrupt our usual low-rent snarkiness to say: If you're a veteran, thank you for your service. If you're a veteran's family member, thank you, too.

We will now resume our usual low-rent snarkiness.

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

M_image11beb4b91259388fad018e2ecf6e

(Thanks to B Kizer and Woozy Barnes)

(Strange But True: The Remainders have played at the bar where this alleged incident allegedly happened.)

WE THINK THIS CONCEPT SHOULD ALSO BE APPLIED TO CERTAIN PEOPLE

A dog barred from a pub for chewing beer mats has been allowed back in - but only if she wears a high-visibility vest.

_45191899_hattythedog282dp

(Thanks to Danny)

WE BET IT DOES

Toadfish sex hum stirs boffins

Toadfish_682_534025a

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

THIS JUST IN

A BIG STEP FORWARD FOR TECHNOLOGY

081110_robot

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MEDICAL ADVISORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Stop smoking or your nipples could FALL OFF.

(Thanks to DavCat)

SCIENCE UPDATE

Helicopters Collect Whale Snot From Blowholes

(Thanks to CJrun)

(In 1967 we saw Whale Snot and the Blowholes open for Hendrix)

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THESE PEOPLE MOVE TO FLORIDA

Key Excerpt:

The driver of the van, Kelli M. Thompson, 24, of Crown Point was allegedly intoxicated and had her 1-year-old son in the vehicle with her, police said.

Thompson called for the child's father, Robert A. Dereamer, 23, of Merrillville, to pick the boy up and police discovered he, too, was allegedly intoxicated.

The child's grandparents, who had also been drinking according to police, arrived to take the child home.

(Thanks to Amy Drees, Jeff "Jed" Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff)

Update: A Florida driver's license will be sent to the motorist in this video.

(Thanks to Kaleb Naegeli)

COMING AS NO SURPRISE TO THIS BLOG

A red squirrel called Elvis the Pelvis has attacked a children's writer who nursed him back to health

(Thanks to DavCat and Jeff Meyerson)

Update: Nothing is sacred to the little furred bastards.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

INCREDIBLY, THEY DID NOT SURRENDER

French recall couscous packets that explode like small bombs

(Thanks to DavCat)

MIAMI TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using Hannah Montana singing balloons.

Key Quote:
''When we went to assess the condition of the balloon it began to sing,'' said Fire Rescue Lt. Ignatius Carroll, who burst into song as he recounted the incident.

November 10, 2008

REMINDS US OF COLLEGE

Man arrested in Santa Cruz with beer keg, harmonica, wet suit, hallucinogenic mushrooms

(Thanks to Rick)

HE WILL BE SENTENCED TO... HELL!

(Thanks to Siouxie)

 
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