Dave Barry's Blog

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to DavCat)

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Ho ho ho.

THEY SHOULD HAVE TASERED IT ANYWAY

Full-size cardboard figure causes NJ bank standoff

(Thanks to WriterDude)

HO HO HO, II

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

MAN VS. SQUIRREL

We have no chance.

Key Quote Outlining Plan That Could Not Possibly Have Gone Wrong:

The homeowner at 2336 24th Avenue tried to blow cayenne pepper through the kitchen exhaust fan and into his attic, Broadview Fire Chief John Tierney said.

"He used a leaf blower to try to spread (the pepper)," Tierney said. "It got caught up in the hot motor of the exhaust fan. There were (also) rags up there in the attic."

(Thanks to Betsy)

HO HO HO

Ill. zoo creates ornaments from reindeer droppings

(Thanks to sjhaller and DavCat)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

AN obese motorist arrested after a drunken rampage denied resisting police, claiming he was too fat to get out of his car, the Brisbane District Court heard today.

(Thanks to Steve Heller)

TODAY'S AMAZING SCIENCE FACT

Chicken heads don't move.

(Thanks to Jorb Trofg)

AND WE'RE SURE SHE LEARNED A GREAT DEAL

Ohio Police Chief Shoots Himself While Teaching Daughter Gun Safety

(Thanks to dfjazzzz)

WHEN PLASTIC CANDY CANES ARE OUTLAWED

...only outlaws etc.

(Thanks to southerngirl, cynthia, Cheryl Howard, SW and DavCat)

CANADIAN POLITICAL UPDATE

Weasel Head re-elected chief of Blood Tribe

On the council: Dexter Bruised Head

This has been your Canadian Political Update.

DC UPDATE

Bob was concerned that Norm seemed attracted to the naked lady around the corner holding the sword.

DC UPDATE

All day long, trucks such as this one pull up to the Capitol to dump loads of taxpayer dollars so Congress can give them to large needy financial institutions.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

...for the Spontaneously Combusting Teatowels.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SPORTS UPDATE

Couple has sex in bathroom as crowd cheered them on and their significant others watched Minnesota-Iowa game

Key Police Quote: He said it was the first time in his six years at the U that his force has interrupted a sex act during a Gophers game.

(Thanks to Onterrible and Philip Snyder)

UPDATE

My family and I celebrated Thanksgiving in Washington, D.C., at the home of Mr. Gene Weingarten, of the Washington Post. Among the other guests was Mr. Joel Achenbach, also of the Post. I took the CrapCam photo below of these two legendary journalism professionals in Gene's basement office, which apparently has been struck by numerous freak basement tornadoes. I'm pretty sure Jimmy Hoffa is in there somewhere.

 

WHY THIS BLOG SUPPORTS STRICT REGULATION OF THE SALE OF MARS BARS

A man who says he eats 10 Mars bars a day has claimed a lack of sugar prompted him to attack his girlfriend when she wore big, Bridget Jones-style knickers instead of a G-string, a British court has heard.

(Thanks to Cyberick and DavCat)

FUN DATE

A guy pulls over to help a blond in a miniskirt and winds up super-glued to the steering wheel.

(Thanks to DavCat)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using skunks.

(Thanks to Wizzy)

THUS EXPLAINING THE ORIGIN OF FORTUNE COOKIES

(Thanks to chicomathmom, DavCat and Onterrible)

THANKSGIVING MESSAGE

If your child's third-grade class is planning to hold a Thanksgiving feast, make sure you get to the parents' sign-up sheet early, so you can sign up for something easy, such as paper plates. We failed to do this, so we wound up with the last item on the list: turkey. Thus this morning, as the clock ticked away the minutes leading to the feast deadline, we were in the kitchen frantically carving turkeys (yes, these were plural turkeys). This was stressful for us, although it was Dog Disney World for Lucy, because the kitchen was filled with turkey smells and dripping turkey juice and the occasional piece of actual turkey landing on the floor where a dog could snork it down and then lick the spot for 14 straight minutes in case there were any molecules left. Lucy could not BELIEVE how great Thanksgiving is. She would like to celebrate it every morning.

We finally finished carving, loaded the car and drove to the school. The moms who had picked the easier sign-up items had set up the food on picnic tables outside. They were anxiously awaiting the turkey, so we handed it to them over the security fence, like people sneaking turkey into a prison. Then we went and signed in at the office and joined the kids and parents for the feast. That was great, and what was even greater was that when we got home, Lucy had not chewed up or pooped on anything. We are thankful for that, and for many other things, and we hope that you have at least as much to celebrate.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

CSI: DALTON

Dalton Police Catch 'Chicken Foot' Burglar

Key Quote Describing Detective Work: In that incident, Velasco-Rivera threw a bag of chicken parts into the backyard of the residence to distract a barking dog. After tracing the bag back to a Mini-Super Store, Dalton detectives were able to obtain a surveillance image of the man who purchased the chicken parts, which was released to the media.

(Thanks to Flea Bailey)

YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION

Three Norwegian tourists came under fire and one was shot after the satellite navigation system in their car guided them straight into one of Rio de Janeiro's most dangerous slums.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

MAKES SENSE TO US

Coeds Take Off Underwear to Be 'Green'

Key Quote: The students say they initially planned to hang bed sheets, but had trouble collecting 350 sheets, so they moved to undergarments.

(Thanks to cyntharnold)

NUDIST WAR IN FRANCE

Hardliners (Har!) vs. Swingers

Surrender is imminent.

(Thanks to CJrun and cyntharnold))

INCREDIBLY, IT DIDN'T WORK

UPDATE: We have been notified that this item is not only old, but also it has already been linked to TWICE, and as a result judi was fired. Rest assured that she will be rehired specifically so she can be fired again.

A man tried to rob a Florida convenience store with a palm frond.

The video is excellent.

(Thanks to Jazzzz)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

FOR SOME REASON, WE'RE THINKING THIS GUY IS SINGLE

A JAPANESE man has been arrested for releasing hundreds of beetle larvae inside a moving express train to try to scare female passengers, police say.

"I wanted to see women get scared and shake their legs,'' police quoted 35-year-old Manabu Mizuta as saying.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CREEPING FASCISM ALERT

Man jailed for Spiderpig insults

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NEW JERSEY EDUCATION UPDATE

School Pressured to Fire Lunch Lady, Former Porn Star

(Thanks to Timothy Hussar)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Gecko rustlers.

(Thanks to Robin Johnson)

NEW YORK CELEBRITY UPDATE

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Solar-Powered Sea Slug and the Stolen Plant Genes

(Thanks to Jerry)

BEER:

Is there anything it can't do?

(Thanks to Danny)

EVEN FOR THE RUSSIANS, THIS IS LOW

(Thanks to Danny)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

A pedicab with a pole dancer.

(Thanks to CJrun, who says, "I really hope somebody tries this in San Francisco.")

THIS JUST IN

Lap dancing "is not sexually stimulating", the chairman of the Lap Dancing Association told a parliamentary committee today.

The Lap Dancing Association?

(Thanks to Danny)

THINKING ABOUT HIRING COLLEGE STUDENTS TO DO YOUR WEBSITE?

Think again.

(Thanks to Danny)

THE UPSIDE IS, HE'LL RECEIVE A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

(Thansk to WriterDude)

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY POLICE RECOMMEND THAT YOU DO NOT THAW YOUR TURKEY

(Thanks to 238 million people)

THE WILD WEST

Knife-wielding robber with underwear on head stopped by civilians in golf cart

Key Quote Indicating Alertness of Clerk: The clerk noticed the man was wearing men's underwear as a mask and replied, "You gotta be kidding," police wrote.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

MIAMI DINING UPDATE

There's a restaurant we like in Coconut Grove called George's in the Grove, which is run by a completely insane colorful French person named, appropriately enough, George. Last week I was in there and saw this poster in the men's room:

There is an old saying in my family, passed down through the generations, and it goes like this: "If you have an opportunity to witness the Beaujolais Nouveau heralded by kangaroo at a crazy dance party with DJ La DeDa and DJ Trendy Wendy, you do not pass up that opportunity."

And so last night we went to George's, where there were in fact three kangaroos -- a mom, a dad, and a baby -- heralding the Beaujolais Nouveau, which they did mainly by standing around looking nervous. The staff was dressed in (Why not?) Australian garb; George himself was wearing what I think was supposed to be an aborigine outfit, probably from Big Norm's Aborigine Outfitters. Here's an exclusive photo of me, George and the baby kangaroo. Shortly after this photo was taken, the 'roo tried to bite George, and I don't think anybody blamed it.

 

WHY WE NEED GUYS

Why not?

Here's some additional video:

WE IMAGINE HE IS VERY RELIEVED

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

IF WE OBSERVED BIRTHDAYS ON THIS BLOG, WHICH WE DO NOT

...we would observe that today is Jeff Meyerson's 60th.

ASK MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON

Q. Dear Mr Language Person,
Imagine my surprise at opening up Google News this morning and seeing the following headline: "Guard fatally shoots man with sword at Scientology church" (Los Angeles Times).
My language question is: can a guard fatally shoot someone with a sword? I thought one could only shoot a sword to wound. Or would the fact it happened at a Scientology church have an impact on the conjugation of the pronoun?
Randy Hagan, Yorktown, VA

A. It was probably an assault sword.

DUDE

A snowboarder gets some serious air.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, DORKS PARTY-GOERS:

Perhaps someday you'll be able to bring your hamster.

(We think that would be a great expression, as in "Bob really brought his hamster to that party!")

OUR BAD

Somehow, in all the election excitement, we missed this.

IF WE WERE INTO JUVENILE HUMOR, WHICH FORTUNATELY WE ARE NOT

...we would link to this.

(Thanks to Imelda)