Dave Barry's Blog

PORTLAND UPDATE

We are not suggesting anything. We just figured you might want to stop somewhere for a beer or something.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Claire "Moo" Martin)

UPDATE

Ridley and I are waiting to go on a Portland, Ore., show called "A.M. Northwest." Right now the hosts are reviewing the international news. Among the stories they're covering are these:
- Chefs in Iran have created the world's longest ostrich-meat sandwich, at 1,500 meters.
- In New Zealand, a pigeon got into somebody's house, went into the kitchen and laid an egg ON THE STOVE.
So that's the international news from Portland. We will have updates as needed.

SECRET BEHIND-THE-SCENES BOOK TOUR STRUMPDATE

(Thanks to Danny)

THE HUNT IS ALMOST HERE

Are you ready?

(Thanks to - obviously - Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

PORTLAND

We had an excellent event in Portland, which included appearances by blogsters Cheryl Howard and Clean Hands, who between them have about 35,000 children.

WE WONDER IF HE WAS CHEATING ON HIS HOUSEHOLD HOOVER

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

(Thanks to Guin and Lisa Martin)

Update: Another version.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

LADIES: STOP DRINKING COFFEE

For our your own sake.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ATTENTION, ALL JAMAICAN UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

OPENING SENTENCE OF THE DAY SO FAR, FOOD-JOURNALISM DIVISION

SCIENCE FAIR STRUMPDATE

Today Ridley and I are in Portland, Oregon, where apparently there is some kind of civic ordinance requiring at least 40 percent of the men to have beards. At 2 p.m. Eastern Standard Pacific Northwest Metric Daylight Time we will be at Powell's Books at Cedar Hills Crossing. We hope you can come out to see us, but we advise you not to get too close, as it has been a long time on the road without laundry facilities, if you get my drift.

WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR JAN AND DEAN

The Incredible Surfing Rats

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CONSUMER ADVISORY

Watch out for the Chocolate-flavoured Willy Spread.

(Thanks to Layzeeboy)

BAD BOY!

A Darwin man woke yesterday to discover dogs had eaten his car.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Matt Filar)

ADVISORY TO PIERCE COUNTY RESIDENTS

Keep the toilet seat down.

HE WON'T GET FAR IN HEELS

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE'RE BETTING HE WAS ALSO IGNORING THE SEATBELT SIGN

The polo-loving heir to French fashion house Hermès, Mathias Guerrand-Hermès, allegedly grabbed at an Air France pilot's crotch in a drunken mid-air attack.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A MEGABYTE

We have no real idea what this is, but we know it is something large.

Too many large somethings will cause bad things to happen to email (as anyone who tried to send stuff to the blog last night noticed).

Please do not send in emails with many large somethings attached. Unless they are men, preferably naked.¹

¹Please note, also, that this plea is not being written by The Blog; he prefers naked-women attachments.²

²Sorry, Mrs. Blog. This is not true at ALL, we are certain. We both prefer the men.³

³What were we talking about, before we were fired?

FORGET THE RECESSION

Something needs to be done about negligent pole dancing.

(Thanks to DavCat and Eileen Griffern)

WHAT IS UP WITH THIS BABY SHOWER THING?

Authorities say they arrested four men after a brawl at a baby shower that included the use of a beer bottle and a car jack.

(Thanks to Jesse Sarles)

According to this shocking update: Police are unsure why the fight started, but they believe alcohol was a contributing factor.

WE KNEW SOME GUYS LIKE THIS IN COLLEGE

Brock says their main defence is basically just hanging around, looking like a twig.

(Thanks to The Perts and Cheryl Howard)

STRUMPDATE, PARTS II AND III

...which get a little closer to book-plugging.

Sort of.

STRUMPDATE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BOOK, SO FAR

REMEMBERING OUR SACRED THE-BLOG-IS-TRAVELING DUTY...

Here's a gratuitous post about kilts.

(Thanks to Ginger)

TRAVEL ADVISORY

Because of the troubled economy, the airlines are switching to older equipment.

GOOD MORNING AMERICA

Here we are in the Good Morning America studio with GMA coordinating producer Patty Neger and Keven Lock, who designed the set we'll be using. It has many highly scientific elements, including a blender. We're supposed to be on at about 8:45 a.m.

STRUMPDATE REMINDER

Good Morning, America!

(Coming up at about 8:30)

NEW YORK MALE-FASHION OBSERVATION

There appears to be something going on here in Manhattan with men and scarves. Today is quite warm, but I keep seeing men wearing scarves, sometimes pretty heavy scarves with complex knots, as if they are experiencing some sort of personal Canadian air mass. Is this a fashion trend? If so, it is unusually stupid, even by the standard of fashion trends.

BOOK PROMO VIDEO OF THE DAY SO FAR

Just in case Dave and Ridley ever need a new mad scientist, or Kprshtskan-er, or something.

CSI: PORT OF SWEET GRASS

A college student from Great Falls was arrested and charged in Toole County Saturday after authorities said he clogged a toilet at the Port of Sweet Grass on the U.S.-Canada border north of Shelby.

(Thanks to Russell Mc, who points out that "he'd have been okay, but it was a low-flow model.")

DEPUTY'S STUN GUN NO MATCH FOR UNRULY PORKER

Just then, a passer-by with hog experience happened to come along.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson)

BOOK TOUR UPDATE

We're in New Jersey, and we are celebrating the Sukkot in a Happy Sukkot Mobile.

SCIENCE FAIR STRUMPDATE

We had a nice turnout in Naperville last night, which included a variety of blog personnel wearing scientific attire.

Today we are headed (Why not?) back to New York to do a school event. We're supposed to be on Good Morning America tomorrow, unless they come to their senses.

PEOPLE: OBNOXIOUS JERKS, OR STUPID IDIOTS?

What is WITH people? There are, like, 14 cars trying to fit into a parking lot made for hundreds, and still no one can manage to park within the lines. These are not spacemonger cars like the Chevy Subdivision, which no one can (thank God) afford to drive any more. No, these are normal-sized cars which would fit perfectly into normal-sized parking spaces if their drivers weren't jerks. But these drivers just pull in and stay there, not even bothering to straighten out their wheels.

Then they go into the building and urinate wildly all over the toilet seats, which we have ranted about here before, and leave messes all over the kitchen, which we have also ranted about before. Perhaps these purported humans have mistaken this building for the Orange Bowl, now that the Orange Bowl is gone. Maybe they think the lines are just for decoration, like the pig barbecues and pink flamingoes on the lawns near the stadium, and they're parking at random on hard, black grass with random white stripes on it. What else could it be?

Of course, it's not just here, it's everywhere. But come on! Explain why someone would pull into a parking space, clearly not leaving themselves enough space to get out of their own car, and bash into mine when they try. Sure, they ALL park too close for the other driver to get in, but too close to get OUT? Who does that? Obnoxious jerks, or stupid idiots?

WORRISOME NEWS

Nebraska has lost God.

(Thanks to queensbee)

PEACE, LOVE & UNDERSTANDING?

(Thanks to MissV)

MICHAEL JACKSON, FOR EXAMPLE

Bastard dove with strange coo can still find a mate

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

SCIENCE FAIR STRUMPETING TOUR UPDATE

Here's a CrapCam photo of Ridley and me with (from left) (or possibly right) blogsters Braniff, Meanie the Blue and Lairbo (not necessarily in that order) (or any order) at our event in New York City last night.

We thank these brave men for coming and donning these wigs without even bothering to check them for head lice. Tonight Ridley and I will be at Anderson's Bookshop in Naperville, Ill.

EXERCISE VIDEO OF THE DAY

With aerobics guru Benny Lava

(Thanks to KJP)

WHY WE LOVE THE INTERNET

Reason # .... wait, what were we talking about?

BOOK TOUR ADVISORY

Today Ridley and I begin our nationwide strumpeting tour for our new book, Science Fair. For the next two weeks, blogging from me will be mostly by phone, although judi will of course continue to post pictures of naked men items that are of interest to her.

Here's a map of our book tour, which starts in New York tonight. We hope you can make it to one of the events. Do it for science.

THIS JUST IN

(Thanks to DavCat)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

The little furred bastards are setting fires and roughing up veterans.

"Flaming Squirrels" would be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Jen Lange)

Update: Also "Flaming Pet Rats"

(Thanks to DavCat)

HANNIBAL LECTER'S CURRENT STATE OF RESIDENCE

Virginia, apparently.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

WHY?

Because they had an old car, a crane, and two ginormous pumpkins, that's why.

(Thanks to Mr. Ridley Pearson)

BUT CAN HE ALSO MAKE PEOPLE STOP YAKKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES?

Monkey Man Hired to Scare Real Monkeys Off of Train

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WE THINK THIS STORY IS IMPORTANT

But we're having trouble reading the big words.

(Thanks to the Perts and Chuck Cody)

ATTENTION, BOOKLOVERS ACROSS THIS GREAT NATION

It's no use trying to lock it out
Lest you forget...

CSI: RENSSELAER COUNTY

Oops!

(Thanks to Eileen Griffin and Jeff Meyerson)

WHEN THEY SAY "EXTRA STRENGTH"

They are not fooling around.

(Thanks to Lani)