Dave Barry's Blog

THEY PROMISE THERE'LL BE NO HANGING CHADS

(Thanks to everyone in or out of Florida)

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ABOUT, BUT WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF IT

Spanish Hamster Waiters Out To Crucify Lewis Hamilton

(Also we of course think "Spanish Hamster Waiters" would be a good name etc.)

WE ARE PROVIDING THIS POLITICAL UPDATE FOR PURELY JOURNALISTIC REASONS

It has nothing to do with making fun of anybody's name.

(Thanks to T Sclechte)

CSI: ASPEN

The tell-tale barf

Key Potential Rock-Band Name: "A Heap of Puke"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

While you're hacking out crude triangle eyes in your pumpkin, some guys in England are doing stuff like this:

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THE DEAD-MICE-IN-FOOD EPIDEMIC

It's getting worse.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HANGING IS TOO GOOD FOR THESE PEOPLE

Atlanta cracks down on buffet violators.

(Thanks to DavCat)

AND HIS EXPLANATION IS TOTALLY BELIEVABLE

Vicar hospitalized with potato up his bum

Another version here.

(Thanks to DavCat and Jeff Meyerson and sjhaller and Siouxie)

THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING IN THEIR QUEST TO DESTROY US

(Thanks to Rich Klinzman)

SECRET INGREDIENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Danny, who asks, "Who among us would judge a restaurant because of phlegmburgers?")

Here's another version, thanks to Siouxie.

ATTENTION, ELIOT SPITZER

Next time, say you were mentoring.

(Thanks to gfunksizzle)

PLEASE MOM, CAN WE KEEP IT?

Boy finds cheetah in his garden

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Doug Ensign)

CSI: DENTON

Then the officer watched as the suspect walked to the store's toy section and exposed himself twice in the Barbie Doll aisle, police say.

(Thanks to DavCat, but FIRST, THANKS TO MOE)

YIKES

Vampire Moths

(Thanks to RussellMc)

HALLOWEEN-THEMED PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY SO FAR

Try to stomp the Flaming Bag of Poo!

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE ALIEN INVASION

It has begun.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

DUH

(Thanks to sjhaller and Siouxie)

AND THEY CAN LEGALLY VOTE IN FLORIDA

Key Quote: Blowing incense over a sacred llama fetus perched on a bed of coca leaves next to posters of the leading candidates, the shamans shook rattles, chanted "up, Obama, up!" and threw flowers at their images.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that Sacred Llama Fetus would be a good name for a rock band)

I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND... HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??

Nasal Cleansing Device of the Day So Far

(Thanks to Joe Thacker)

NOW WITH ADDED PROTEIN!

Woman finds mouse head in frozen beans

This would be an excellent look for Halloween.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE PLANNING TO HOLIDAY IN TENERIFE

Carry a shotgun.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE ARE ALL ARTISTS

He said that a toilet was a great place for artistic expression because art is a form of relief in the same way that going to the toilet is.

HERALD HUNT FLASHBACK

Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy™ has all kinds of great stuff on his excellent site, including this photo:

GIFT GUIDE UPDATE

The Blog and The Photographer are hard at work on this year's Gift Guide, which will be published November 23rd. Sadly, this suggestion, sent in by Carol Roach via snailmail, did not make it to our desk in time to be considered.

(You can check out previous editions of the Gift Guide here.)

VOTING UPDATE

Pretty much everybody can get on the ballot in Miami-Dade County.

VOTING UPDATE

Here in the voting line we are passing the time trying to decipher the ballot questions, which were written by lawyers from Mars. They sound like this: "Shall the legislature not be empowered to prohibit the abolition of those entities that are currently excluded from Article XI, Section 3, Subsection iv, Row 5, Seats A and B, or not?" People are soliciting advice from total strangers ("Do we want to retain these judges?")

VOTING UPDATE

This is the line for early voting in our neighborhood. The line goes around the Coral Gables library and continues to, roughly, Atlanta.

BREAKING NEWS HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

LEBANON UPDATE

(Thanks to CJrun)

BUSTED

Mass. Pol Accused of Stuffing Bra with Bribes

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)

FEUD WEAPON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Centipedes.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

Vietnam bans small-chested motorists

(Thanks to Danny, Braniff, The Perts, and DavCat)

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN'T GET A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT WITHIN TWO MONTHS

Hernia op to save angelfish

(Thanks to DavCat)

THANKS A LOT, MICROSOFT!

(Thanks to Jeff Arch)

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

This photo of a Japanese candy product was sent in by Ranald Adams, who claims that the package says "Snot from the Nose of the Great Buddha."

ALTITUDE SICKNESS

It can affect the brain.

Key Quote: “Once the pumpkin goes on your head, it’s definitely such a group mentality that you just have to go with it.”

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

TROUBLE AHEAD

Yesterday we adopted a dog from a shelter. Her name is Lucy, and she's mostly Lab, around 8 months. She's very sweet and has quickly adapted to our home and yard. Especially our yard, which she finds absolutely fascinating ("Hey! A dog urinated here! Wow! A dog urinated HERE, also! Ohmigod! A dog also urinated HERE! Wait a minute! A dog ALSO urinated..." etc.). The one troubling thing is that Lucy has discovered Walter.

ATTENTION ALL GERMAN UNITS

Be on the lookout for speeding Muppets.

(Thanks to CJrun and Justin Barber)

MOST-APPROPRIATE RESCUE-TOOL NAME EVER

The wizzer saw.

(Thanks to Marty Merzer)

POLITICAL MUSIC VIDEO OF THE DAY SO FAR

Here are some swinging Japanese rock-'n'-roll hep cats getting down and funky for Obama. If there is a comparable hepcat Japanese video for McCain, we will be happy to post it. (As of now, we don't know which candidate has the support of Kikkoman.)

(Thanks to Dan Traylor)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Man drives drunk to protest drunk-driving charge

(Thanks to Dan Traylor)

PRODUCT OF THE MORNING SO FAR

The Tiddy Bear

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME, II

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Insert your play on the words "cracks down" here.)

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

WHY IT'S GENERALLY THE WOMEN WHO DO THE GROCERY SHOPPING

Authorities in Manchester, England have arrested a man trapped naked in the chimney of a supermarket.

(Thanks to Mollenkamp)

ANYBODY MISSING ANYTHING?

(Thanks to Danny)

BARBECEWWWW

Spicy pork sausage found in 'soiled diapers'

(Thanks to DavCat and Baron vonKlyff)

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT

The #1 item on every news program tonight is the coming cold snap. Temperatures tonight are expected to dip below 60 degrees.

We will update you tomorrow, assuming we make it through the night.

HALLOWEEN IS COMING

Here's a recipe for kid-friendly treats: Boogers on a Stick.

Key instruction: Repeat dipping the pretzel until the booger is the desired size.

(Thanks to Patrick Harvey)