Dave Barry's Blog

WE CANNOT REFUTE A SINGLE WORD

Joy Sonnet in a Random Universe

by Helen Chasin

Sometimes I am happy: la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la. Tum tum ti tum. La la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Hey nonny nonny. La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la. Vo do di o do.
Poo poo pi doo. La la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la. Whack a doo. La la la la la la la. Sh-
boom, sh-boom. La la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
la la. Dum di dum. La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la. Tra la la. Tra la la
la la la la la la la la la la. Yeah yeah yeah.

(Thanks to someone who sent this in via snailmail, along with a letter that begins: See there is talk of Barack Obama alas not likely for President because he is like "black." Hey nonny nonny.)

THE TOFURKEY DILEMMA

Does one perform the job appropriately and bag the tofurkey, or follow one's conscience and destroy the evil substance, thereby saving the world one plasti-pak at a time?

(Thanks to Siouxie for the photo)

THE HECK WITH TERRORISTS

How soon can we get this technology on our cell phones?

(Thanks to fivver)

ADVISORY TO MEN IN GENERAL

We are all in jeopardy.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A LOT OF GUYS CAN DO THIS ALSO

Chimps can recognize friends by their behinds

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE ON BRUCE THE GIANT MANLY ASSAULT PIG

Bruce has been put out to stud. We have no doubt that he is qualified.

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANOTHER SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

Chinese Lederhosen

(Thanks to DavCat)

CSI: NORF

Key Quote: "He called the police and they arrested her and found her ski mask and hand gun in her jacket. He said he recognised her bottom straight away - he'd never forget something that big," said one bank worker.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHY MIAMI IS NOT LIKE WHERE YOU LIVE, REASON 2,038

Our hotels have a very diverse clientele.

WE'VE WANTED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE

Man sues Md. doctor, says butt stapled shut

(Thanks to BAB in MD)

AWW

(Thanks to The Perts)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

(Thanks to Matt Blackstone)

SPEAKING OF MUSEUMS

We may have blogged this already. But it is important.

(Thanks to David Perloff)

PAGING GOV. PALIN

(Thanks to queensbee)

ANOTHER INVESTMENT THAT MAKES AT LEAST AS MUCH SENSE AS THE STOCK MARKET

The Elvis Is Alive Museum is for sale on eBay.

Here's the eBay link.

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

MAKE THE BLOG WORK FOR YOU

Tomorrow, The Blog will do an honest day's work for the first time in his life be bagging groceries for a good cause. We would love to witness this, but we have to work. So we'll pay good money offer bumper stickers and/or other cheesy junk from the office prizes for photos of The Blog bagging your groceries.  

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, Whole Foods Market Coral Gables (6701 Red Road) will donate 5% of the day’s sales to America SCORES Miami, a youth development organization whose mission is to empower students in urban communities using soccer, writing, creative expression and service learning. With teamwork as the unifying value, they inspire youth to lead healthy lifestyles, be engaged students and become agents of change in their communities. Syndicated columnist and America SCORES Miami supporter Dave Barry and North Miami Mayor Kevin Burns will kick off the event at 2 p.m.

Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any broken or mashed food products.

MEANWHILE IN IDAHO

Woman with last name of Bacon wins pig contest

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

BOTH THE TREE AND THE MOTORIST WILL RECEIVE FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

"Fast-moving tree" stops impaired motorist in Anderson

(Thanks to Matt Blackstone)

BIRMINGHAM TAKES A STAND

Clowns face ban on playing trumpets

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

THE WORLDWIDE FINANCIAL CRISIS

We have found the cause.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

CREEPING FASCISM IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Now they want to take away the fundamental human right to have roads with grooves in the asphalt that play the William Tell Overture (technically known as The Hi-Yo Silver Song) when you drive over them at certain speeds.

Here is a video with audio.

(Thanks to sjhaller and PirateBoy)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICERS?

When Ceres police took Daniel Ramos to jail, they discovered he was wearing five more pairs of women's underwear, some of them string bikinis, said Sgt. Patrick Sullivan.

   

(Thanks to DavCat)

FLORIDA POLITICS UPDATE

As Republicans question Congressman Tim Mahoney’s use of a horse barn for his voting address, Democrats have returned the latest non-issue volley by pointing out that his challenger was once registered to vote at a dog track.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

A QUESTION WE HAVE ASKED OURSELVES COUNTLESS TIMES

Is it cheese or $500k whale vomit?

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS NATION?

In Idaho, spectators are complaining that cheerleaders' outfits are too skimpy. And in Oregon, police told a naked woman skater to put clothes on after they received complaints from...  construction workers.

(Thanks to many people)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

A pig the size of a Shetland pony has been terrorizing a woman in a town in Murwillumbah, Australia.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson and Mark Schlesinger)

Update: Don McCarthy sends this link, which has an excellent alarming photo:

ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS?

Don't worry, this is safe.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who asks "You want fries with that?")

AUSTRALIAN SPORTS UPDATE

MAYBE HE NEEDED TO EXAMINE HER BRIEFS

Illinois lawyer suspended after cutting stripper's fees in return for nude dances

(Thanks to Mark Schlesinger)

INTERNATIONAL COW UPDATE

In China, cows are falling from the sky. Meanwhile in England, the Federation of Organic Milk Groups is telling farmers they can increase production by mooing at their cows. We think this could a huge mistake, in view of alarming developments in Bulgaria.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Jeff Meyerson)

GUYS-IN-RELATIONSHIPS UPDATE

A Japanese man puts the "mental" in "sentimental."

(Thanks to Heather, who observes, "CSI: eww.")

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE STARRING, WE HOPE, ANGELINA JOLIE

Orphaned hare raised in woman's bra

(Thanks to Heather)

FINALLY, A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR CONGRESS

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Killer Slugs

(It goes without saying that France has surrendered.)

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

(Thanks to DavCat)

YOUR WEST VIRGINIA POLICE REPORT

Woman accused of assaulting mom and taking her mounted deer heads

This has been Your West Virginia Police Report

(Thanks to DavCat)

FASHION WEEK IS OVER

And not a moment too soon.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

JESUS-SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now He is on a weight-loss-clinic ceiling.

(Thanks to jon harris)

UMM, GREAT

IF YE BE WONDERIN' HOW WE BLOG SO MUCH

We're usin' this here arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgonomic keyboard:

(Thanks to Mike Ester)

DON'T BE SQUEEZIN' THE CHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRMIN

(Thanks to Annie Port-in-a-Storrrrm)

COMMARRRRRCIALS

Here be a collection of pirate-themed ads.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

And here be a Brazilian ad site that has nothing to do with pirates, but you should check it out anyway. Wait for the lady to load (you'll see) then put a man's name in the first box and a woman's in the second. (Or any gender of names. We don't care.) You can leave the email boxes blank. The click "Visualizar."

(Thanks to Cap'n Marty Redbeard Merzer)

ATTENTION, GUYS WITH NASAL CONGESTION

There is new reason to grope hope.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

IT BE SPREADING, LIKE A FUNGUS

Accordin' to Howarrrrd from Browarrrrd, in the New Yarrrrk Times crossword puzzle today, 31 across is TALKLIKEAPIRATE and 8 down is SHIVERMETIMBERS.

WHERE BE THE CORRRRRN DOGS?

Guest Services at the Los Angeles County Fair (the largest county fair in the country, mind) has been instructed to talk like a pirate today!

Just thought you'd like to know.

-- Mr Completely

WHOA

WE YAAARRRR* TRULY INTERNATIONAL

^*Ye Auld Australian Association of Rum Ruddled Rapscallions

UTAH SOCIAL NOTE

Two people have been charged in a fight that broke out between neighbors attending a baby shower Sunday, during which a woman knocked another unconscious with a shovel and a man allegedly threatened a crowd with a shotgun.

(Thanks to queensbee)

RIGHT NOW, IT MAKES MORE SENSE THAN THE STOCK MARKET

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)