Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to Jan Berry)

ORANGE COUNTY EDUCATION UPDATE

School trustee cited in ketchup theft

(Thanks to Doug Brockmeier)

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

Somebody has to burrrrrp do it.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THOSE THINGS CAUSE NO END OF TROUBLE

(Thanks to Steve Hammond)

IT'S A GOOD THING THIS BLOG HAS A STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...because otherwise we would probably link to this.

'YOU MAY NOW KISS THE... LOOK OUT!'

Bride Gives Birth During Wedding

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SO THE BARTENDER SAYS...

"Why the long face?"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

FREQUENT FLIERS:

Do not click here.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR WHY YOUR TEENAGED CHILDREN GET EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU SING OR DANCE

Of course the actual explanation is that you're a dork.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CSI: MIDDLETOWN

(Thanks to Danny)

ART UPDATE

A TIME FOR LEADERSHIP

Here I am explaining my economic bailout plan to a typical American taxpayer.

CSI: CLINTON TOWNSHIP, N.J.

Key Quote: Shamponore said that while she was away from her room earlier that day, a resident of the Fountain Motel had taken her hamster, police said. She and two friends then went to the Fountain Motel to retrieve the hamster, but denied trying to break the door down.

RETAIL-NEWS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to -- prepare to be shocked -- Siouxie)

IT WILL BE ISSUED A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE

Crash driver's blow-up doll inflates on impact

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NEVERTHELESS, WE'RE SURE IT WAS GRATEFUL

Firefighters were sent to rescue an iguana stuck 45ft up a tree — only to find it was a green branch.

(Thanks to DavCat)

GOOD TO KNOW

(Thanks to sjhaller)

IS THERE ANYTHING IT CAN'T DO?

Beer helps man walk again

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

YOU MAY LAUGH, BUT WE BET HIS INSURANCE RATES GO UP

(Thanks to, among others, Jennifer Jolley, Cheryl Howard, Annie Where-but-here, and Siouxie)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using custard.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IF THEY WANTED TO IMPRESS PEOPLE, THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT ON GIANT-CONDOM COSTUMES

Oklahoma college students get into trouble with state tax authorities for bragging about their parties on MySpace.

(Thanks to DeskDiva)

WHAT A GUY MEANS WHEN HE USES THE TERM 'WELL-STOCKED REFRIGERATOR'

Andy The TropicHunt.com guy sends this photo of a refrigerator maintained by his friend Kia:

COLLEGE LIFE IN SOUTH KOREA

Looks like they have drugs over there, too.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

ATTENTION ALL SACRAMENTO UNITS

YOUR HONOR, MAY THE DEFENDANT APPROACH THE BENCH?

No.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Vodou Shrub

THIS SEEMS WORTH IT

The life-threatening formation of a Bacon Tiara.

(Thanks to CJrun)

CSI: CHESTERTON

When informed that she would be patted down by the officer, Yeakey unbuttoned her pants and pulled out 10 DVDs, a Play Station video game, a pair of white tube socks, a black and red bra, a black and red pair of women's underwear with the word "pouty" printed on them, three pairs of size 4T boys underwear and two women's rings.

(Thanks to DavCat)

EEEWWW!

Eeewww eeewww eeewww! Also, EEEEEEwwwwww.

(Thanks to a whole bunch of people who will never again use their coffeemaker's automatic brewing function.)

CLEARLY, IT'S TO GET SORORITY CHICKS

It is unknown why the men were drinking and vomiting the milk.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY TO THIS DRIVER

He clearly didn't read the operating instructions.

(Thanks to someone, but we can't figure out who)

WE ARE WAY AHEAD OF THEM

Oh, they mean drugs.

NOW THE BASTARDS ARE USING SNAKES

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FIRST CLASS AND COACH

It's the service.

(Thanks to Jollymon)

WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PSYCHO MODEL

"The Birds" Barbie

Barbie looks mighty cheerful, for a person being pecked to death.

(Thanks to Tinkerbell)

THAT'LL TEACH HIM

(Thanks to queensbee)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Pervy Japanese Boob Engineers

(Thanks to sjhaller)

AUSTRALIAN WILDLIFE UPDATE

Yikes.

This has been your Australian Wildlife Update.

(Thanks to OzGeorge)

DENTAL CAREGIVER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Say aahhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHH

(Thanks to queensbee)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using hot dogs.

(Thanks to Siouxie and RussellMc and Jeff Meyerson and Barbara A and Andrew Hoenig and everybody else who sent this in.)

SAUDI SCIENCE BREAKTHROUGH

If this is true, we have a LOT of questions.

(Thanks to OriginalEnigma)

ATTENTION, BABY BOOMERS

The fashion industry has not forgotten you.

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes, Dave R., and of course, Siouxie)

YOU'LL WANT TO BE WEARING THESE WHEN YOUR WEARABLE AIRBAG DEPLOYS

Adult fashion diapers

(Thanks to Siouxie and Dave Roe and queensbee and Woozy Barnes)

WEARABLE AIRBAG UPDATE

We have photos.

(Thanks to Baron von Klyff and Siouxie)

MOST APPROPRIATE BYLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Deena Yellin

(Thanks to ccurvey)

PARENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Wisconsin Division

(Thanks to Adam Heskin)

OK, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

But still.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and DavCat)

THIS PRODUCT SHOULD ALSO BE AVAILABLE IN BARS

Wearable airbag for the elderly unveiled

(Thanks to DavCat)

2012 OLYMPICS UPDATE

The excitement is building.

(Thanks to DavCat)

MORE FROM ROSWELL WHOLE FOODS

Dave! The customer's gone!

 

A moment of indecision...