Dave Barry's Blog

IT'S A BUSY WEEK IN LAKE WOBEGON ST. PAUL

Dave's professionally-trained eyeballs are on the job.

TODAY'S TIP FOR EMPLOYERS

Hire the unattractive.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

DENNY'S CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Man tries to cut off arm inside Modesto restaurant

Incredibly, drugs may have been involved.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

EDUCATION ISSUE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WHY THE WOMEN OF THE BLOG LIKE MEN IN KILTS

What, you need a reason?

 

WHY YOU RARELY SEE COWS IN LAUNDROMATS

They fear being attacked by predators.

(Thanks to jazzieb)

APOCALYPSE UPDATE

It is so here.

(Thanks to Steve Haller)

OUR STATE FAIR...

....is a great state fair,
Don't miss it, don't even be late.

And if your state is Michigan, do not go into any unmarked exhibits.

(Thanks to DavCat)

MARKETING DO'S AND DON'TS

Don't #931

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Anil Haji)

THIS SHOULD WORK AT LEAST AS WELL AS EXPLOSIVES UNDER A BEACHED WHALE

(Thanks to DavCat)

DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK WHILE YOU'RE EATING LUNCH

Unless you're having escargot.

(Thanks to DavCat)

HENCE THE SMILES ON THE FACES OF THE PEDICAB DRIVERS

As this sign explains, vehicles at the Greenest Convention Ever are fueled by Coors brand waste-beer ethanol.

John J. Regan

ONE LAST PHOTO FROM DENVER

I took the photo below at a protest against war and fascism that mainly consisted of young people standing around drumming, surrounded by several layers of onlookers and, farther out, police officers. The drummers were wearing bandannas on their faces. I don't know why. Maybe they felt they they needed to protect their secret drummer identities from the fascist warmongers. Or, their parents. In any event, there was no bloodshed that I saw, although there could have been some nasty blisters.

I'm heading home to Miami now so I can wash my underwear and head for Minnesota. (They have strict underwear-hygiene laws there.)

FINAL REPORT FROM THE DNC

Are you ready to rock and roll?

A SAD STORY...

...containing many fine names for rock bands:

Lovelorn Musk Ox
Mid-afternoon Confrontation
The Mushers
Plowing Down the Rifleman

(Thanks to Ben Coats)

BE ON THE LOOKOUT

No, really.

(Thanks to queensbee)

TEXAS FRIED JELLY BELLYS, ET AL.

Key quote:  It’s safe to eat, and Mr. Gonzales said kids will enjoy a fun side effect: After placing the frozen whipped cream in your mouth, you can blow smoke out of your nose and mouth when you exhale.

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

ELECTION ADVICE FROM THE ONION

How to pretend you give a care

(Thanks to Tim Smith)

SCARY PHOTO I TOOK ON THE CONVENTION FLOOR

This man can kill you using only his eyes.

TODAY'S UPDATE FROM THE DNC

Get it live from the candidate's keyboard at 1 pm Eastern time

DENVER CELEBRITY UPDATE

Here I am with Captain Morgan and his entourage, which is clearly a lot less excited about this photo opportunity than Captain Morgan is. Captain Morgan is here at the convention to remind people that they should drink rum be responsible.

Another celebrity I spotted here was this tooth:

A IS FOR APPLE

B is for Beast, King of

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Surprisingly, alcohol was involved.

(Thanks to Chris Kaiser)

CONVENTION UPDATE

Here's my latest in-depth, hard-hitting report from the Democratic convention. Below are some photos related to this report.

Along with my fellow journalist James Lileks, I hailed a pedicab to cover an important news story. James took this photo of me with the pedicab driver, Keiren Valentine.

On the way to the important story, we were sidetracked by another pedicab driver, who was heading to a hotel to pick up Miss Daryl Hannah.

After that we headed to our important news story, which was a group of people protesting bird porn. James is interviewing them here.

They were handing out this leaflet. It's something to think about.

James also is doing videos on this important story. Here's part one.

DENVER UPDATE

There really hasn't been all that much protesting here.

Partly I think this is because Denver is a mellow place. Also there are many highly visible police.

Still, there are people expressing various points of view.

Also of course there are vendors.

The Trojan people are set up right next to the convention center.

YIKES

Also ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

(Thanks to Allen at Division)

YET ANOTHER VICTIM OF THE HEADLINE-ONLY NEWS READER KNEE-JERK REACTION

The Nun Pageant

(Thanks to queensbee)

Note: We posted this about 2 hours ago, but don't see it, so if there are two copies out there in Blogland, we apologize.

TRUCK SPILLS

When you need to see some high-quality photos of stuff spilled out of trucks, this is the place to go.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CONVENTION UPDATE

It's a rainforest out there.

DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION UPDATE

Here are some CrapCam photos I took Monday night on the convention floor. It's really crowded out there, with thousands of people milling around and talking while the speakers call for Change.

One thing, aside from the crowd, that makes it hard to get anywhere is the TV networks, which set up their reporters on the floor, with their backs to the podium:

Pretty much everybody is for Change.

I finally found the Florida delegation, and I am pleased to report that they are representing the state with great dignity. Here I am with a delegate who told me she is a county commissioner. I tried to keep the sunglasses, but as you can imagine they keep close tabs on those babies.

There are a lot of celebrities milling around the floor. Here (really) is Spike Lee's head:

CSI: OCEAN CITY

Shoddy-Journalism Bonus Question: Which of the 5 w's was not answered in this article?

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

VISIBLE FROM SPACE!

Magnetic Cows

(Thanks to Guin, Baron vonKlyff, and Jeff Meyerson, who points out this WBAGNFARB)

ATTENTION, CONVENTION DELEGATES

Put your hands together for Mayor Hickenlooper and The Spittoons

NOW THAT'S CHUTZPAH

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOOOOOOOOOO

WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1!

Yay?

(Thanks to foof139)

LIFE IN MIAMI

Anybody wanna go shopping?

(Thanks to Siouxie and soulchef)

A POLITICAL QUESTION MORE COMPELLING THAN ANY FROM THE DNC

Who will be mayor of Rabbit Hash, KY?

(Thanks to The Perts and Michelle in Houston)

SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING... PANTS

(Thanks to jazzieb, Siouxie, DavCat, Jeff Meyerson, Siouxie again, and Baron vonKlyff)

THIS IS NOT A TEST

It is filler. There is a difference. But we are sure you will succeed as a filler audience as well.

YOUR TRUSTED SOURCE FOR ACCURATE, UP-TO-THE-MINUTE NEWS ON THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

It's definitely not here.

OLYMPIC SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

Update: Here's another contender.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

Sprinkles Cupcakes, a California purveyor of mini-cakes beloved by Hollywood stars, has accused rival Famous Cupcakes of stealing its trademarked "Modern Dot" cupcake design to lure away clientele.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

ANOTHER THING ABOUT GUYS

Guys have priorities.

(Thanks to Cynthia)

CREEPING FASCISM UPDATE

They are taking away our most fundamental academic rights.

Key Quote: "I thought I was part of a community that handled its problems internally and that recognized the dangers of exposing ourselves — no pun intended — to the rest of the country."

(Thanks to xmnr)

IT'LL NEVER TALK

Drug-smuggling pigeon thrown behind bars

(Thanks to Siouxie and Matt Filar)

TEST

This is a test. Thank you. You have been a great test audience.

PIZZLE UPDATE

There might be trading in Truckee, too.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SOMEBODIES GOTTA DO IT

Lets' give these guy's an emense round of, applause.¹

(Thanks to queensbee)

¹And the s.b. will send a DB For President bumper sticker to the first person who  emails us a link to the actual sign. Thanks. Several times.

DESERT VIEW PAPERWEIGHT UPDATE, thanks to Jeff:

UPDATE from Dave R., who did not provide a picture of the sign but said, "I'm absolutely amazed how many web hits on the word 'Emense' you get. Very disappointing."