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August 03, 2008


Today my family and I leave for Beijing, China, where, according to our sources, there is going to be a major international event. Assuming that we make it to China and are not killed as a result of breathing or eating, I'll be writing columns starting Thursday; Mrs. Blog, a real journalist, will be writing stories with actual facts in them. I'll also blog when I can.

We spent yesterday packing. Mrs. Blog and I filled our suitcases with practical items such as toilet paper, which you need to take because many Chinese public bathrooms do not have it (many of them also do not have toilets, but that's another issue). We asked Sophie to set out the things she wanted to take. Here's a CrapCam photo of what an 8-year-old girl needs for a trip to China:


I don't know what the sleeping arrangements will be inside Sophie's suitcase, and I don't want to know.

Anyway, I'm out of here for now. Or, as the Chinese say, 我现在将种植您并且以后开掘您.

Take care. I know I'm leaving you guys in capable hands.


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Good luck Dave. Don't eat anything that is still moving. I'm interested to hear your comments on any changes since the last time you were in China. And stay away from Tianamin Square. Remember what happened there the last time.

Tipiyokti, Dave and the Blog Family!

Have a safe trip, Blogs!

Is there any room for actual clothes in Sophie's suitcase??

As far as sleeping arrangements go, it looks to me like it's pretty much paired up - unless Ken decides to go after the animals.


I see she opted to leave Skipper at home. They grow up so quickly!

*zips in*™

Have a safe trip, Blog family! :)

My advice on the breathing thing is to take only shallow breaths. :)

And most important of all:

*zips in*™

Have a safe trip, Blog family! :)

My advice on the breathing thing is to take only shallow breaths. :)

And most important of all:

Sophie is ready for all emergencies that a girl can have! Make sure not to eat the food there. Grass is probably safer. Don't breathe either, due to the pollution. Hope you all have a safe and happy trip with no food surprises or unfortunate run ins with mistranslations. We will dig y'all later too.

If anyone wonders what Dave's Chinese Fortune for the day means, you can got to babelfish and translate it.

有一次好和安全旅行到中國, Sophie, Michelle and Dave!

(Babelfish says that means "have a good and safe trip to China" in Chinese. I do recognize the ideogram for China there near the end, so I'll take it on faith. It doesn't do French to Chinese, so I didn't attempt bon voyage.)

"I will now plant you, and later will dig you."

Right arm, sir!

Bon voyage, Blog family. I hope you've got front-row seats for the Pairs Sycnchronized Hanstand-on-the-Beach Event. I've got all my money on that sharp-looking South Korean team.

Given that he's a potential side dish in Bejing, it's a good thing you left Walter in Judi's, er, safe hands.

Also, I think that "brain in a hot pot" could be the next big catchphrase.

I'm not sure about that one on the right, there. That guy is probably a good 2-3 ounces, and he seems to be lying right on top of a somewhat delicate place. It must be agony for her.

If you ask me, Sophie needs at least one more bear.

"I will now plant you, and later will dig you." What is that supposed to mean?

Mike -- or maybe a little buffalo. I hereby authorize Sophie to represent Colorado for us in China, because we're all too busy melting in the heat to do it ourselves.

(BTW, I'm sporting a much better haircut these days. Dave, not so much. ;-))

Say hi to my daughter, Rachael, who's there studying. She's being very...je ne sais quoi...about the Olympics - like who are all these people coming to crowd her city. She can tell you what to eat and what not to eat. She definitely says don't breathe the air. Not sure what that leaves...

Silly Dave. Sophie's gonna sell them over there and make a killing on the Tiny Bear & B@rbie Doll Market. Have Joy and a keen sense of the overseas market.

I like Babelfish's translation better. Google's translator says it means "I will now grow after you and your opening".

Is there a hidden meaning there, Dave?

Dave, when you get to China, make sure you check the toilets.

Travel advisory:

According to this report, there is a threat of thunderstorms during the opening ceremony AND some areas are facing the threat of typhoons! So.....don't eat, breathe OR go outside and you should be fine.

Have a nice time!!!!

Weren't the Chinese going to seed the clouds before the storms reached the site to avoid rain interfering with the events?
Although 'seeding the clouds' translates to 'bombing the living snot out of the vernal countryside.'
Have Joy. And a bomb shelter. :)

Great, two weeks of blog posts of naked men. NTTAWWT...

padraig - thanks for the reminder.

Annie, IF they have to get to a bomb shelter, Sophie's taking plenty of play pals to keep them entertained. See?? she's smart.

Also, did they ever get rid of ALL that algae??

Uh...don't mind us, Dave. I'm sure it will be a wonderful experience ;-)

uh..nice paddles...or bats..or whatever it is they use to play cricket.

Thanks, Siouxie. Whatever they want to play with is fine with me.

Wow, it's raining men over there already.

Jeez, judi isn't even posting yet and the place is already dripping estrogen awash in male semi-nudity. I'd volunteer to help equalize, but Lester & I have to take both kids clothes shopping.

Nice one, Annie!

Have a Bloggity good time in China, Dave & Co.!

Safe trip Dave!!!

I like that pic, Annie!;)

Hey now, judi can't bear the burden of visual entertainment all by herself. Just wanted Dave to know the blog was in very good hands.

I totally agree, Annie. I'll even open up the blog bar so we can have something cool and refreshing.

And..in the spirit of fairness...here's one for the boys.

You're welcome ;-)

You are too kind, Siouxie. The blog boys don't deserve the likes of you.

Siouxie, they will love that!

Yeah, but the url may scare them away. Guess only the brave will dare click.

Thanks, Annie & Marg...it's only fair. I should have put a warning though. It's a bit risque.

um..NSFW and such.

No kidding, Sioux. So risque that none of the blogboys are posting. They must be quite distracted.

While Dave is away, you Californians should prepare. This update just in from my friend Maggie in San Diego:

the La Jolla playhouse is going to put on a production of Peter and the Starcatchers. Dates are Feb 13 - March 8th Hope Dave and Ridley will be out here to see it.

Have a safe trip, Blog family.

Sioxie, forget the warnings. You should have included brain bleach.

Siouxie, that's Britney 10 years from now...

Five years.

5 NY years. Just seems like 10.

OMG, Siouxie, now I'm gonna have to, uh, clean off my chair after seeing that Absolut guy again! Whew!

big apologies to tom lehrer...

if you go to a big chinese city
don't be surprised when your lungs get gritty
dining places serve exotic fare
but don't eat a 'walter' and don't breathe the air!

pollution, in beijing
on your pillows a mint
who knew a billion leave
a big carbon footprint?

lots of places to eat for a song
'specially if you want some thing with a dong
grilled panda p*n*s might seem very au fait
though the rumor is, it'll turn you gay!

pollution , the runners
might be wind-aided at times
pushed even faster
by rolling balls of grime!

so most athletes' insides are upset
a market bonanza you can bet
gold, silver and bronze are soon out-of-date
try pepto, imodium and kaopectate!

a solution to this problem
we might need to shelve
i'm sure brit food is good
in two thousand twelve!

oh, original here...

Have a wonderful trip, Dave & Family! What is it you're competing in again, Dave?

THIS, Punkin.

*claps* @ insom! good thing you posted the original....I was stumped.

Oh and I apologize for the lovely lady photo. I know she's too much for some guys.

Suz, I love Absolut & anything *wink*

*Snorks @ Siouxie and Insom!*

a bee gezint and good and safe travel. um, dont they make like a zillion plastic dolls in china??? yoikes. just bring me back some eggrolls, hanh?

Yowser! Big lightning bolt just as I broke down and clicked on that uglyhoochie link of Sio's. I'm thinking it hit her.

OK, I know I'm coming in late, but Sioux, that was just wrong... (Yeah, I know, I'm the one who clicked on the link, and yeah, I know, I was even expecting BM... ergo, why did I click on it in the first place?...), SOOOO, it's all my own dern fault! But that was still wrong...

From the Offices of:
Sue, Day & Knight.

Annie Where-but-here

At the request of our client, we must request that you cease and desist from using our client's image, Igloo, without prior consent.
We will be seeking a "quantum meruit", "stare decisis", "per curiam" resolution.
Be Aware, Sue, Day & Knight do not take prisoners!
Cordially yours,


If that's you, iggy, somebody made you melt!
*goes off in search of more Hollister models - they're just as hot as A&F, and they try harder ;)*

Annie, I fear your only recourse at this point is Crane, Poole and Schmidt. (I'd try to get Alan Shore...)

silly girl should have packed beef jerky and poptarts. she's soooo gonna starve.

be safe, barry family!

Crane, Poole and Schmidt...is that a modelling firm or a line of clothing? ;)

Annie, no one is likely to confuse Denny Crane with a male model. (Let's see, maybe I can find a picture of William Shatner in a Speedo, since that seems to be the prevailing theme today...)

Aren't Crane, Poole and Schmidt still living in ddd's back yard?

Mr. Shatner eats at a local restaurant. So does Mike Scioscia. Although both are very nice men, neither one seems to opt for the salad.

bullitinbullitinbullitin Jazzzz is alive and has been blurkingblurkingblurking....and missing you guys. I hope to be parolled soon, and have more access to the internet machine. catch you soon. (smooches to the blog-gals)

Watery snorks @ Annie.
Ritual snork @ insom.
Welcome back Jazzzzz...I've been in blurk mode lately, too. It's those 60 hour weeks.


It would probably be cheaper to buy them at the factory in China than pack them.

thnx Daisy.....work is definitely getting in the way of my personal fun.
Arkansas is voting on a state lottery soon, so I can diversify my retirement plan. Surely I will win within a week or two.

I went to google and translated 我现在将种植您并且以后开掘您 and it means...
I will now grow after you and your opening

Now Dave you are by far my favorite writer (followed by Alan Moore) but i must say STAY AWAY FROM MY OPENING!!!

When you're there, you don't want to miss eating at the Translate Server Error Restaurant.

Rats! I was hoping Dave and family could return a couple of pounds of this lead from whence it came, but I just missed them.

*Nostalgic SNORK @ Guin*

Jazzzzzzzzzzzzzie!!!! smoooooooooch! miss you too.

Hey, someone up there was talkin' BlogBar™... can I please get a Manhattan, centrifuged, not shaken nor stirred?

Question. Since Dave is also running for President, are any of our campaign contributions funding this trip?
Suggestion: If you go to the Great Wall of China it would probably not be humorous to the Chinese officials to repeat Reagans, "Take down that wall" speech.

Manhattan for Mr. Blue.

hey Siouxie !! and a big wet *smoochie* to you. Miss you muchly......back in the mix soon, I hope....

Ah! Thank you, Siouxie.

And stay out of dark alleys.

Dave, there's something you can find out for us. Do they say "Chinese food," or just "food."

Thanks for the tip, Meanie ;-P

LOL at that Dave picture- is there an original column about it? I was trying to find it for Male Docling but we got sidetracked into singing the "BadgerBadgerBadgerMushroom" song. Don't ask how.

Oh and Dave? If the Chinese beds are as hard as the Mexican beds, you may want to bring a few stuffed animals for yourself to prevent decubitous ulcers.

Chinese food is an oxymoron.

WOW! This has turned into quite the thread!

My buddy Jazzzz (*winks*) makes a cameo appearance and igloo the gorgeous even stops by.

igloo, Annie told me that was you! :-)

"iggy" is Cantonese for "Muy Good Guy Man."

Siouxie? Way up there? That's precisely why I drink.

I love Absolut.

Good morning, campers!

Happy Monday to everyone. Only 4 more days (daze) until Friday! Fire up the blenders, and ice down the diet Coke now :)


Advice to those going to the Possum Fest:

Don't eat the accompanying sausage at the Pancake Breakfast, unless you are ABOLUTELY sure where they came from...

Looks like most of that stuff came from China in the first place. Sophie's just taking them all for a trip home.

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