Dave Barry's Blog

THERE HAS TO BE A FRANCE-SURRENDERS JOKE HERE SOMEWHERE

Romania is using cardboard police cars.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Baron vonKlyff)

THIS BLOG CONTINUES TO MAINTAIN ITS STRICT POLICY AGAINST MAKING FUN OF NAMES

So please refrain from sending items such as this.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

COLONOSCOPY MUSIC

Ever since I read your column on getting a colonoscopy I've been wondering about something.  Since you mentioned a song that wasn't appropriate for a colonoscopy, what music is appropriate?  Could you take a look at the list I've provided and let me know which ones are appropriate?
        I Am So into You
        Up, Up, and Away
        I Like Big Butts 
        Beat It (or anything else by Michael Jackson)
        Boys don't Cry
        Caught Up in You
        Centerfold
        Cuts like a Knife
        Destination Unknown
        Devil Inside
        Doctor Feelgood
        Don't Do me Like That
        Don't Stand so Close to Me
        Do you Really Want to Hurt Me (or anything else by Culture Club)
        Dude Looks Like a Lady
        Get Into the Groove
        Get up and go
        Hurts so Good
       I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
       I Want a New Drug
       I Want to Break Free
       King of Pain
       Peek a Boo
       Rebel Yell
       Shock the Monkey
       Talk Dirty To Me
       What a Feeling
       Whip It

-- Michael Bynack

Those are all inappropriate. Especially "Shock the Monkey"

WHO SAYS GUYS DON'T FOLLOW DIRECTIONS?

"An epic, multinational sat nav cock-up."

(Thanks to Mr. Gene Weingarten)

I DON'T CARE IF I EVER GET ACCCCKK

Mallards fans eat beetles for free Duck Blind tickets

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

YOUR CANADIAN SPORTS UPDATE

Dead heron will hang around tennis tournament for now

This has been Your Canadian Sports Update.

(Thanks to W. vonPapineau)

TERROR PANTYHOSE STALKS THE STREETS

(Thanks to Sue Stewart)

WANT TO RIDE THE WAVERIDER?

Nah. We'd rather watch.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

GUINEA-PIG-EATING PERUVIANS UPDATE

Yikes.

(Thanks to Mahatma Kane Jeeves)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Police deduction: "I'd say a lot of alcohol was involved."

(Thanks to sjhaller)

THIS IS ALSO TRUE OF MIAMI

(Thanks to W. vonPapineau)

WHAT YOU CAN DO IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF OLD TELEPHONES AND ARE SMOKING CRACK ARTISTIC

You can turn them into sheep.

(Thanks to crossgirl, who asks, "Can you shear me now?")

WISCONSIN

Sportsperson Paradise

CSI: BOONE COUNTY

A Boone County woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a 36-inch sword used in a Wiccan ceremony in a Lebanon cemetery, police said.

Key Quote: She said in an interview Monday that she'd had a run of good luck recently and wanted to give thanks with the rite.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

LET'S HOPE THEY DON'T GET THEIR HANDS ON DIPITY THE ESCAPED DRESS-WEARING CAT

In some kind of insane traditional tradition, Peruvians dress up guinea pigs, then, as far as we can tell from the article, eat them with tubers.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ATTENTION ALL EDMONTON UNITS

Be on the lookout for a cat named Dipity wearing a pink dress.

(Thanks to Matt Filar and SandyEggo)

BUT NOT THE WAY YOU THINK, YOU PERVERT

Donkeys to spice up sex lives

(Thanks to SandyEggo)

THAT HAS TO HURT

(Be advised that this item takes like 15 minutes to load and is not really worth it.)

CREEPING FASCISM IN MICHIGAN

It's getting so a man can't even ride his mower.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

ATTENTION, MORONS SERIOUS BOOK COLLECTORS

Here's your chance to get an autographed copy of Plato's Republic.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

GOOD TO HAVE PRIORITIES

A Lancashire grandfather has his buttocks insured for one million pounds.

(Thanks to DavCat and Baron vonKlyff)

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN UPDATE

Very early tomorrow morning, the Surging Campaign Juggernaut will finally get the national attention that does not involve sewage lifting stations that it so richly deserves.

JUGGERNAUT UPDATE

SNAKE UPDATE

They're everywhere.

Update: judi will be fired for posting this earlier without first traveling into the future to see if I was going to post it later.

A DAY OF MOURNING

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

INTERNET FILTH

It is out of hand.

(Thanks to Bruce)

IT'S ABOUT MacDAMN TIME

Kilts for GI MacJoe.

(Thanks to Matt MacFilar)

ACTUALLY, THIS HAS HAPPENED TO MANY WOMEN

(Thanks to The Perts)

HOW A GUY HANDLES A PROBLEM

Decisively.

(Thanks to Heather Mays)

SLOWLY BUT SURELY, THEY'RE TAKING ALL THE FUN OUT OF LIFE

Men sentenced for setting friend's crotch ablaze

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

(Blazing Crotch would be a good name for a rock band.)

INFLATION UPDATE FROM ENGLAND

It now costs 800 pounds to rescue a seagull from the roof of a sausage factory.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

AND THE SO-CALLED 'UNITED NATIONS' DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, EVERY NOW AND THEN A PIRHANA SLIPS IN

Fish pedicures.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Siouxie)

NO THANKS

You can knit your own Hitler

(Thanks to DavCat)

PARENT OF LAST WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to The Perts, DavCat and Andrew Hoenig, and judi thinks some other people)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Frozen beer on a stick now legal

(Thanks to sjhaller and Siouxie)

DOO-DAH, DOO-DAH

Hailstones shot me off the loo

(Thanks to Siouxie and Baron vonKlyff)

AND WE DO NOT BLAME THEM

Monroe commissioners vote no on iguanas

SPORTS PHOTO OF THE DAY SO FAR

Catcher Ryan Doumit offers some encouragement to starter Yoslan Herrera.

(Thanks to DavCat)

COSTA RICA UPDATE

We returned from Quepos to the San Jose airport in the same small plane that took us from San Jose to Quepos. They have an extremely relaxed view of airport security in Quepos. They do not inspect your bags, and when the plane arrives, you just wander out onto the runway to board it. We noticed that the other passengers were holding boarding passes, so we asked the agent if we needed them. He said yes, and we said we never got them. He said, "How many do you need?" We said three, so he trotted back to the terminal and returned with three boarding passes, which he handed to us. About 30 seconds later, as we boarded the plane, we handed the passes back to him. It's good to have procedures.

As on the trip down, we sat directly behind the pilot and co-pilot. As the pilot was revving the engine for takeoff, the copilot's door, which was also basically our door, swung open. We drew this to the attention of the co-pilot, who slammed the door a couple of times to make sure it was closed. The pilot asked us, "Did it open by itself?" We said yes. This seemed to be what he wanted to hear, because he nodded, turned around, and took off.

HALLELUJAH

Church Cancels Teen Gun Giveaway

(Thanks to John Grant)

SERIOUSLY CREEPY TOY NEWS

Police smashed a window to rescue a seemingly unconscious baby from a vehicle in Queensland last week, only to find it was a doll. 

A seriously creepy doll.

(Thanks to Wes von Papineau, sj haller and estrogen centrale)

WHALE-B-GONE

Maybe if someone put it in a suitcase...

(Thanks to Dave R.)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Woof.

(Thanks to sj haller)

WHEW

The Blog got his TiVo just in time.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

NOW THE BASTARDS ARE USING PLANTS

(Thanks to queensbee)

SNAKES IN THE NEWS TOAD

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

COSTA RICA UPDATE

Here's a nice picture of a butterfly taken by Mrs. Blog. The butterfly is called a blue morpho; we see these everywhere, but they're hard to photograph because they're always flitting around, and do not respond to the command "STOP FLITTING, DAMMIT! I'M AN AMERICAN!" But Mrs. Blog is one of those people who, once they decide they're going to get a picture, are going to get the picture. And so finally she did.

She also took this picture of an industrial-grade spider chowing down on a cicada. This spider has made a web roughly the size of Connecticut, so if you have any friends or relatives who went to Costa Rica and never came back, that would be a good place to start looking for them.

 

Here's a sign on the main road past our hotel, advising motorists to watch out for dogs, sloths and monkeys being herded across the road by stocky ladies in housedresses.

You definitely want to be alert for monkeys passing overhead. I say this because we went zip-lining a second time, and we were walking through some trees populated by a group of howler monkeys. Suddenly there were hissing sounds above us, and the guide, moving us quickly forward, said, "They are making number one and number two on us. This is how they say, 'Go away from this territory!' This is why we do not like to walk under the howler monkeys."

Unlike the howler monkeys, the people here are consistently nice and unfailingly patient. Costa Rica is a beautiful country; the Costa Ricans are very proud of it, and seem genuinely happy to have us as guests. We're sorry to be leaving tomorrow. But I'm sure that once we get home, we'll be happy to be back amid the peace and tranquility of Miami.

THE SURGING CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT JUST HAS TO LAUGH

It is way ahead of the pack.

(Thanks to B Kizer and sjhaller)

SNAKES IN THE NEWS

Key 911 Quote: Ranger quickly closed the lid and called police and an animal control officer, but they didn't want anything to do with the serpent.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Cheryl Howard)

YUM

Again, the Internet fails me. I was searching for healthy, easy to prepare meals when I came across "poutine." This site is more direct in referring to it as "an agent of early death."

Mike Leone