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July 28, 2008
ATTENTION, ELDERLY RETIREES LOOKING FOR A NEW CAREER
Consider becoming a porn star.
(Thanks to Lisa, who states, quote, "Eww.")
Update: Apparently this is some kind of trend, and it needs to be stopped.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
WE SAW THEM OPEN FOR DAVID BOWIE
(Thanks to Janice Gelb)
NO, WAIT, SORRY
This is the sportsperson of the week so far.
(Thanks to Siouxie and Amanda Austin)
SPORTSPERSON OF THE WEEK SO FAR
(Thanks to DavCat)
THIS LICENSE WILL ALSO ENTITLE THEM TO DRIVE IN FLORIDA
A Chinese school is running special courses to teach pupils how to walk.
Children who pass written and practical tests receive a walking licence, reports Chongqing Times.
(Thanks to sjhaller)
LET'S NOT HAVE ANY FRANCE JOKES, NOW
A German family has bought a six-tonne tank to use for shopping and day trips.
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
ELECTION UPDATE
(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)
IT'S JUST LIKE THE MOON LANDING, EXCEPT IT'S A PICTURE OF A WHALE FARTING
FINALLY!
July 27, 2008
FASCISM ALERT
Canada cracks down on exercise.
(Thanks to, appropriately enough, The Perts)
July 26, 2008
INVASION OF THE GIANT GRASSHOPPERS
This is the time of the year when South Florida is infested with humongous meat-eating grasshoppers, who have no natural enemies, including Iran, and who just sit around laughing grasshopper laughs, knowing there is nothing you can do about them. Here's one I found this morning infesting one of our window screens:
For the purpose of size comparison, here is the planet Jupiter:
And here, once again, is Don Rickles:
July 25, 2008
ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED
Freeport man busted for licking cop's face
Key Quote: "We encourage people not to lick our police officers."
(Thanks to Laura Marie Norman)
WHOA
First we find out that Elvis was around in ancient Rome. Now waxwing sends us this photo, taken in the Field Museum in Chicago:
TIME TO MARCH ON WASHINGTON
(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)
ATTENTION, GEEKS TECH-SAVVY MOTORISTS
(Thanks to Katie in FL)
IF ONLY THE ZOO HAD KEPT A SUPPLY OF ANTI-MONKEY-BUTT POWDER
This might never have happened.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
LAWN CARE PROFESSIONAL
Key quote: He told police quote, "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want."
FOR THAT 'EXTRA FRESH' FEELING IN YOUR PRIMATE AREA
(Thanks to Darla Pyron)
BE PREPARED
(Thanks to Matt Filar)
APOCALYPSE UPDATE
A Chinese pig has been born with the face of a monkey.
Or, Don Rickles.
Either way, it's bad.
(Thanks to sjhaller and Siouxie)
GET INVOLVED!
Oklahoma seeks nominations for an Official State Rock Song.
Key Quote: "I love Klipspringer, but ‘I Like Beer' will make it about as far as ‘I Keep Losing My Lighter,' which isn't very far,” he said.
(Thanks to DavCat)
ACTUAL EMAIL RECEIVED BY THIS BLOG FROM, AS FAR AS WE CAN TELL, MARS
Dear Sir/Maddam,
With regards to you and your company,am willfred wilson from USA(PA) and will like to make an enquiry on (Ramp Door Stab Jacks) .Advise back with their models and their prices of each model that you have instock.I will also need your location and your payment options in order to proceed with this order.Thank you.
Regards,willfred wilson
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN NO PROBLEM HERE, AS LONG AS HE WAS IN A CLEAR, RE-SEALABLE ONE-QUART PLASTIC BAG
Swedish airport staff were not amused when a team from a TV comedy show tried to check in a suitcase with a dwarf inside.
(Thanks to The Perts)
AN ISSUE THAT AFFECTS FULLY 80 PERCENT OF THE FLORIDA ELECTORATE
Should the votes of dead people be counted?
(Thanks to Chuck)
BOFFIN UPDATE
Now they're redesigning streets for drunks.
(Thanks to The Perts and DavCat)
THE FORCE IS STRONG IN THIS ONE
Boy exits child care, goes to Hooters
(Thanks to The Perts and DavCat)
NOT ONLY IS ELVIS ALIVE...
HOW GUYS HANDLE A VERMIN PROBLEM
(Thanks to Siouxie and sjhaller)
July 24, 2008
GREAT NEWS FOR MEN
A legitimate reason to say "No" to tofu.
(Thanks to MartiniShark)
CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR
WE ARE SHOCKED, SHOCKED
(Thanks to The Perts)
YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THIS
IN PERU, THEY'D HAVE CELEBRATED BY DRESSING IT UP, THEN EATING IT
Pet rabbit credited with saving couple from fire
Key Rabbit Name: "Rabbit"
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND
Drunken Elk and the Toddler Attack
(Thanks to DavCat)
ANOTHER THING ABOUT GUYS
They're always coming up with ways to improve the gene pool.
(Thanks to sjhaller)
A MODEST PROPOSAL
If parents give their children "creative" names such as Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii, then the children, upon reaching the age of, say, nine, should have the right to legally and permanently rename their parents.
(Thanks to Expat_Canuck, sjhaller, queensbee, DavCat, Gina Donahue, Justin Barber and Siouxie, who states that she, personally, would like to meet "Stallion")
MEDICAL PROCEDURE OF THE WEEK SO FAR
A surgeon at the Arizona Mayo Clinic Hospital in Phoenix has admitted to using his mobile phone to take a picture of a patient's penis during surgery.
Dr. Adam Hansen said that he took the picture of Sean Dubowik's penis while inserting a catheter during a gall bladder operation. Dubowik, a strip club owner, has the words "Hot Rod" tattooed on his penis. According to Dubowik, he got the tattoo as part of a $1,000 bet.
THANK GOD THEY'RE SAFE
Two inflatable penguins are rescued at sea.
(Thanks to Siousea and sjhaller)
IS OUR NEWSPAPERS IN TROUBLE?
(Thanks to Janice Gelb and sjhaller and Baron vonKlyff)
July 23, 2008
WHAT WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? TASE IT?
State Attorney Investigates Officer Shooting Of Beer Keg
(Thanks to Amanda Austin)
IF YOUR GETTING A TATOO
Check the speling AND the gramer.
(Thanks to Janet Gelb)
IN MIAMI, WE CALL THIS 'PARKING'
A restaurant has a drive-in customer.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
CSI: OMAHA
Drunken driver drinks Wite-Out while in police custody
(Thanks to Justin Barber)
THE TIME HAS COME
Mandatory federal registration of peanuts.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
PROTEST OF THE WEEK SO FAR
A member of a group called "Plane Stupid" tried to glue himself to the British prime minister.
Key Quote: But Downing Street said there had been "no stickiness of any significance". (Also known as "the Bill Clinton defense.")
(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)
UTAH
(Thanks to DavCat and Pago Gomez)
THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS
Now they're using string cheese.
(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY
(Thanks to Siouxie, sjhaller and Jeff Meyerson)