Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS SO OVERDUE

Tights Are Not Pants

(Thanks to jon harris)

ILLINOIS

The Don't Get Downwind State

(Thanks to sjhaller)

REMEMBER THIS NAME

Kangsadarn Wongdusadeekul

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

FRANCE COURAGEOUSLY TAKES ON A MENACING FOE:

Unlicensed line-dancing instruction.

(Thanks to CJrun)

EVEN FOR DRUG SMUGGLERS

This is low.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

PERFECT FOR A SATURDAY FRY-UP

...in 2015: Canned Bacon

(Thanks to Steve "The Other Steve" Lancaster)

FORE!

The UroClub

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBobO

LITERARY UPDATE

Blogging from me has been sparse because I'm in Los Angeles attending the book industry's big annual trade show, BookExpo America. I ran into several literary celebrities, including Henry "The Fonz" Winkler, shown below in an exclusive CrapCam photo taken by Ridley, who claims the blurriness was caused by poor lighting conditions, as opposed to drugs.

Also on hand was Jazz the DreamDog (on the right):

FLORIDA WILDLIFE UPDATE

It's not a fox, but... a few days ago, we rescued some baby bluejays which had fallen out of their nest in a storm. They are doing fine now, though one seems to have poor eyesight and thinks the camera is Mommy.

(Thanks to my son for the photo)

ALERT GUY HOMEOWNER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

For a year, he failed to notice that a woman was living in his closet.

(Thanks to sjhaller. Andrew Hoenig, ackraus, Amanda Austin, Danny and chicomathmom)

LITERARY ITEM OF THE MILLENNIUM

Lard Art

Key quote: ...you can enjoy instructions on how to make a vase of roses out of strips of fat, or produce the reverse (?!) portrait of Santa Claus in slabs of fat, or marvel at the photos of Mr. Fleiss' "first prize" (?) 200-pound fat sculpture of a cathedral done entirely in slips and chunks and strips of fat. 

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

AMBIGUOUS MONIKER AND A GNFARB

Thong Bandits

(Thanks to Danny)

THIS IS WHY POLICE OFFICERS MAKE THE BIG BUCKS

We'd have assumed it was the gardener.

(Thanks to Danny)

CSI: CINCINNATI

The man clearly has a death wish.

(Thanks to Susannah Nation and Siouxie)

SCIENTISTS

Always in step with the needs of the global community.

(Thanks to the Perts)

WHEN HEDGEHOGS ARE OUTLAWED...

...only outlaws will have hedgehogs.

(Thanks to Chuck and Baron vonKlyff, who should get the blame if this was blogged before)

IF WE'VE LEARNED ONE THING IN LIFE, IT IS THIS:

You could put someone's eye out.

(Thanks to sj haller)

THIS SURPRISES NO ONE WHO LIVES HERE

(Thanks to Mike Ricciardi and Heather Lubay)

THE ICE-CREAM-TRUCK BUSINESS

It's serious in Jersey.

(Thanks to queensbee)

AT THE END, THE FAT LADY ACTUALLY BURSTS INTO FLAMES

La Scala to stage Gore's 'Inconvenient Truth'

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

YIKES

Man Sickened After Snake Bits Him While Using Toilet

Which makes it sound as though the snake was using the toilet. Which is even scarier.

(Thanks to Heather Mays)

PEOPLE WITH BOXES ON THEIR HEADS

These guys may think that this is a new idea. In fact, it has already been done.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

AND THEY ALL CAN LEGALLY VOTE

Florida Man Selling Ghosts

(Thanks to Corey Smith)

YIKES

Beware the Horror Frog.

(Thanks to Claire Martin and Danny)

UPHILL BOTH WAYS IN THE SNOW...

Hi Dave,

I came across a site that you might enjoy. I read a newspaper article about a guy up here in Maine that collected undeveloped film from thrift store cameras and then years later developed them. What he ended up with are hundreds of slides from the 1950's [and 60's] era. It's a real hoot. Anyway, here's one of my favorites:

Bert

You young folks, just keep your darn comments to yourselves. Fellow riders on the geezer bus: It's keen.

(Navigational tip: Click on the Archives tab.)

FLORIDA TOURISM ADVISORY

What color is "There's a bear in the pool"?

(Thanks to Ken Morgan and Danny)

ROMANTIC COUPLE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

...and the comments section of the month.

(Thanks to SandyEggo)

HE HAS OUR VOTE

(Thanks to Zach)

HEALTH ADVISORY FROM THORPE ST. ANDREW

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE'RE GUESSING HE'S SINGLE

Man squirts milk from eyes

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

DOESN'T ANYBODY WEAR CLOTHES ANY MORE?

Deputies Have Leads In Case Of Nude Maid Accused Of Theft

We bet they do.

(Thanks to Kay Myers)

CSI: CARUTHERSVILLE, MO

Man in Only Latex Gloves & Underwear Found in Middle of Road

Stan Morris has the story.

(Thanks to Deborah Johnson)

PANTIES MAKING THE NEWS

In Canada, they're giving them up for peace. But in Hamilton County, Ohio, you have to wear them to visit the jail.

(Thanks to DavCat and Bob Brogan)

IT'S ALSO A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

A woman claims her cancer was diagnosed thanks to a headbutting cow.

(Thanks to DavCat)

ONCE AGAIN THIS BLOG CALLS FOR A FIVE-DAY 'COOLING-OFF' PERIOD FOR THE PURCHASE OF MOON PIES

(Thanks to Susannah Nation)

THEY'LL JUST HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE

The space-station toilet is stopped up.

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob, Annie Eitman and mama723. And Jeff Meyerson. And Dan Traylor. Most of these people believe the problem is linked to space beer.)

WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT GETTING DOWN

...you are talking trombone players.

(Thanks to Karen M.)

UTAH

Wilder Than You Think

(Thanks to Paul Larsen)

YEAH, WE BET HE'S REALLY DISAPPOINTED

A French skydiver who was going to try to set a free-fall record had to give up because his balloon took off without him. Which is exactly how this blog would have handled it.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IT'S TIME TO SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET

Online bagpipe lessons.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

MAYBE HE WAS JUST GLAD TO SEE THE POLICE

Port St. Lucie man arrested with beef sticks and 'hot sausages' in pants

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Danny)

HER ROBOTIC HUSBAND WAS OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, CHUGGING HYDRAULIC FLUID FROM A HIP FLASK

Robotic woman gives birth in Glenwood

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

EXPLODING-COW CONTROVERSY CONTINUES TO FESTER

This blog is certainly not bitter that despite this blog's efforts, Wikipedia deleted the article on exploding cows on the grounds that, if you want to get technical, cows do not, as a rule, explode. Or so the so-called "experts" say. But we are wondering if Wikipedia might want to reconsider its decision, in light of this article from the Wyoming Tribune-Eagle, which contains the following statement:

Blood and gore aren't new concepts for Box, who had an exploding cow in his Pickett book, "Savage Run."

(Emphasis added for emphasis.)

HEY, WE'VE SEEN LESS-RESPONSIVE HUSBANDS

A woman says she is married to the Berlin Wall.

(Thanks to DavCat, Amanda Austin and Danny)

EVEN ROUGHER THAN KICKBALL

Cheese-rolling.

Disturbing video here.

Key Quote From Man Bleeding From Head: "I'd recommend it to anybody."

(Thanks to sjhaller, Cheryl Howard and Siouxie)

CSI: KALAMAZOO

Officer responding to break-in nabs dead turkey

(Thanks to Siouxie and sjhaller and DavCat)

YOU KNOW HOW EXPERTS ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT KIDS NEED A MALE ROLE MODEL?

They may be wrong.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Baron von Klyff)

MMM

Squid.

(Thanks to The Perts)

WELCOME TO JAPAN, DUDE

(Thanks to many people)

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BURRRRRRRRRPPPPP

Space Beer

(Thanks to DavCat and Jeff Meyerson and sjhaller)