Dave Barry's Blog

CANADIAN UPDATE

Let's just hope they never have a real disaster.

(Thanks to DavCat)

IT MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN A WOMBAT IN DISGUISE

Convicted Mobster Claims He Was A Victim Of Bigfoot

(Thanks to DavCat)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Yak Cheese

(Thanks to RussellMc, who claims he saw Yak Cheese open for Hot Tuna)

A PROBLEM WE ALL NEED TO BE MORE AWARE OF

Wombat rape.

Key Quote: "I'll retract the rape complaint from the wombat, because he's pulled out,'' Cradock told the operator at the communications centre, who had no idea what he was talking about, Mr Stringer said.

(Thanks to Keli Minick and sjhaller and DavCat)

NEWTS

The law is on their side.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff and Siouxie)

THEREBY PROVING THAT THEY'RE SMARTER THAN MANY FISHERMEN

It may be possible to train fish to catch themselves.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

YOU CAN'T BEAT IT FOR GETTING STARTED IN THE MORNING

Corn snake surprise.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WHOOPS

Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels — at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.

But he had a totally legitimate excuse:

He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

PROVO CRACKS DOWN

It's time somebody stopped these cloak-wearing singers, with their singing, cloak-wearing ways.

(Thanks to kbrews)

A PLEA FROM SEATTLE

Dear Dave,

I am from Seattle, WA, and am getting married in November.  My fiancee is from St. Petersburg, FL, and we are getting hitched in Sarasota.  Yesterday, for Easter dinner, my dad's family came over.  I was talking with my Aunt Shelly, and asked her if she is coming to the wedding.  She said (and I am not joking) "I don't want to go to Florida because Dave Barry makes fun of it so much."  I asked her if she would make it if Dave Barry wrote a column or blog about how great Florida is.  She said she would.
 
So give me a hand.  I am a big fan, after all.  I love your books, columns, blogs, and my new Dave Barry joke-a-day square toilet paper.  I love my Aunt Shelly, and I want her at my wedding.  It is a good prompt, too.  A column on how good Florida is.  Should be easy. 
 
Sincerely,
Paul Graves

Dear Paul --

Tell Aunt Shelly she has absolutely nothing to worry about. Sarasota is in a very quiet, safe part of Florida, completely out of rifle range from Miami. It's a wealthy community with basically no crime, except for the occasional arrest for servant-flogging (a misdemeanor). So there should be no problem, as long as you are not so foolish as to hold your wedding during hurricane season (June through the following June).

Best,

Dave

p.s. I invite the blog commenters to add reasons why Aunt Shelly will enjoy Florida.

WHAT THE FAA SHOULD REQUIRE ON EVERY FLIGHT

A rugby team.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WE DIDN'T REALIZE WE HAD IT SO GOOD

...thanks to our 300-mile-per-hour self-driving cars, zipping between our domed cities, where we reside in our self-maintaining homes.

Key Quote:  The average work day is about four hours.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

THE WESTCHESTER COUNTY, NY, PANTSLESSNESS EPIDEMIC

It is worsening.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SOME EXAMPLES OF GUY DO-IT-YOURSELF PROJECTS ARE TOO TASTELESS EVEN FOR THIS BLOG

This is such an example.

(Thanks to Keli Minick and Baron vonKlyff)

IF READING THE BLOG, AND COLUMNS ABOUT COLONOSCOPIES, IS NOT ENOUGH...

...soon you'll be able to find out more about Dave's World - in this case, a mythical place where Dave (albeit a much taller version) drives down to the newspaper office to hand over his column, in a manila envelope, to his editor. Who never, btw, not ever, looked like this.

(Thanks to the all-knowing, all-seeing Bert Franquiz)

DIDN'T ELVIS SING ABOUT THIS?

Suspicious pants point police to massive find

(Thanks to Matt Filar and Mark Carlson, who says, "Same thing with my toddler.")

WHEN EASTER BUNNIES GO BAD

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GUYS

They need their rest.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IN FLORIDA, WE CALL THIS 'PARKING'

Man Accused of Driving Into Post Office

Key Quote Indicating Some Kind of Deep-Seated Consumer Dissatisfaction: Adams said Sparling had damaged a post office previously, and the sheriff said Sparling had a history of damaging postal buildings.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THE APOCALYPSE IS DEFINITELY HERE

Miss Bimbo

Here's the website., which features the term "registered Bimbos."

And while we're on this topic, here's a story about Britney Spears.

(Thanks to sjhaller, Jeff Meyerson and Keli Minick)

IF THIS FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS, IT COULD BE TURNED INTO A BUNNY THE SIZE OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT

Semi trailer with 20 tons of chocolate stolen from Michigan City

(Thanks to Siouxie)

YOU ARE NOW FREE TO WET YOUR PANTS

(Thanks to Meanie the Blue)

WHY WE (HEART) NEW YORK STATE

It's starting to make even Florida look good.

(Thanks to Chuck)

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE FRANCE SURRENDERS

The gophers are winning in Canada.

Key Quote Indicating That Some Guys Have a Plan That Is Probably Not Going To Work Out The Way They Expect: Despite a ban on fires in the tinder-dry area of Springbank, just northeast of Calgary's city limits, two men went into a field to kill gophers using a device called a Rodenator, fire officials said on Monday.

(Thanks to Corey Smith and sjhaller and Siouxie and Baron vonKlyff)

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

Federal anti-terrorism agents apprehend a radioactive cat.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and Baron vonKlyff)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Stowaway Snake

(Thanks to Keli Minick and Siouxie)

ATTENTON, DINERS LOOKING FOR A BARGAIN MEAL

Try Dubai!

(Thanks to RussellMc and Siouxie)

DEATH

Apparently it's not so bad.

(Thanks to Corey Smith

ATTENTION, MEN

Don't even bother. Ladies, this one's for you.

(Thanks to Ginger in Las Vegas)

What? The Blog is not out of town? And soon there will be a loud and angry firing of a certain stealth bloggerette??

Hmmmm...

Yeah, It's worth it.

DANG! MISSED IT!

If spanking is your thing, consider a trip to Hungary or Slovakia for Easter.

(Thnanks to Annie Where-but-here)

AND AFTER YOU WASH YOUR FEET WITH IT, YOU CAN STILL DRINK IT

21 Amazing Alternate Uses for Vodka

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

WOOF

Conan the Praying Chihuahua

(Thanks to Doc Rick and Jeff Meyerson)

MOTORISTS:

Don't dunk and drive.

(Thanks to Jazzz, Angie, DavCat, Meanie the Blue, Philip Snyder, Jeff Meyerson and Siouxie)

MAKES SENSE TO US

India offers firearms permits for vasectomies

(Thanks to Linda Pocatelli)

IT'S TURNING INTO A SACRED PILGRIMAGE

Some of you, if you have no lives whatsoever, may recall that last year this blog visited the San Francisco Exploratorium and encountered a drinking fountain made out of a toilet, which illustrates the fascinating scientific  principle that there is a lot of drug use in San Francisco. Here is a photo from that visit:

Now we have received an email from Andy the TropicHunt.com Guy™ who reports that he recently visited the Exploratorium and viewed this exhibit. Notice that Andy is getting a lot more intimate with the toilet than we did. We just hope he was wearing protection.

LESS IS MORE

Garfield minus Garfield.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

Hubby is dug up by badgers

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

AT FIRST WE THOUGHT THIS WAS A CHER UPDATE

First sex was 570 million years ago

(Thanks to sjhaller)

SANDUSKY REGION UPDATE

Apparently Clyde is haunted.

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

This has been your Sandusky Region Update.

SHE'S LUCKY IT WASN'T MOZZARELLA

Man attacks wife with profiteroles

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're going after our precious and dwindling supply of mozzarella.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HAPPY EASTER

Here's some rabbit news.

(Speaking of which: Remember the ginormous German rabbit?)

MEANWHILE DOWN UNDER

Police bust party in man's pants

(Thanks to DavCat)

RULE NUMBER ONE FOR CRIMINALS WISHING TO AVOID POLICE PURSUIT

Never steal a doughnut van.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and queensbee)

MAYBE IT'S AN ARKANSAS THING

A coin-laundry surveillance camera allegedly captures a man putting Ding Dongs in a dryer.

(Thanks to Matt Filar, who asks, "Who HASN'T" put Ding Dongs in a dryer?")

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using onions.

(Thanks to DCC, Cheryl Howard and Mama723)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Man Rides Horse Through Kauai Hospital

Key Quote: "We do have a pet visitation policy, but it does not include a horse."

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here)

THIS QUALIFIES THEM TO DRIVE AND VOTE IN FLORIDA

(Thanks to RussellMc)

FINAL (WE HOPE) UPDATE ON THE GREAT ILLINOIS CORN FLAKE

The Great Illinois Corn Flake is dating Eliot Spitzer.

No, seriously, it has been sold.

(Thanks to Siouxie and Jeff Meyerson)

SERIOUSLY HOT JAZZ

(Thanks to Matthew Hampton)