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March 31, 2008


Madonna wants to remake Casablanca.

Key Suggested Script Improvements:

Of all the Kabbalah meetings in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Here's looking at you, kid. Now who do we have to pay to adopt him?

We'll always have Basra... I think this is the beginning of a beautiful fitness regime...

I stick my neck out for nobody - just in case they see the wrinkles.

It doesn't take much to see that Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction arsenal didn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)



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The Apocalypse really is here.

And don't forget their best line:

If you watch this remake, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Check please!

I stick my neck out for nobody - just in case they see the wrinkles.
Insert unintential boob job joke here

She certainly has a point os two

"The Nazis wore gray, you wore bondage attire."

That broad would never get into my gin joint. What a maroon!

Rick: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a really stupid idea

Here's retching at you kid.

Help us all.

"Round up the usual suspects... you know, all of my old boyfriends."

"I'm shocked, shocked! to find this terrible idea being taken seriously."

Now we need to find someone to play Rick. How about Harrison Ford?

She should just digitize herself into a print of the original. It's technically possible and would probably cost less than a full-on new version. Plus all the performers in the old one are dead so they can't complain or sue, although I'm pretty sure the're'd be some serious grave-spinning at Forest Lawn.

Oh, and Randy Jackson as Dooley...

louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship...now put on the diaper and act like a chicken!

you must remember this
the audience will hiss
not bergman though she'll try...
her underwear don't need a guy
and bogart from his grave screams 'why?'
this crime goes by...

*snork* @ insom!

Oh, what the hell, Louie can be Jason Alexander ...

Nick Nolte as Rick
Harry Connick Jr. as Sam
Dennis Hopper as Col. Strasser
Jean-Claude van Damm as Victor Lazlo
Rob Schneider as whatever Peter Lorre's character's name was
Christopher Walken as the Sidney Greenstreet guy
and James Woods as "Louie"

or maybe do the whole thing as a musical...

no Lairbo, it's Madonna we are talking about, absolutely no music involved.

WW: I never meant to suggest that it would be a good musical.

Lemme guess, Madonna wants to be Ilsa???

And they thought Redacted and all the other recent anti-Iraq-War movies were box office bombs. Just wait until Madonna's Casablanca atrocity hits the silver screen; they'll be measuring its impact in megatons.

I see lots of empty theater seats...

Hey, wait a minute: We've found the WMD!



LOL ok..everyone tilt your heads.

Casablanca: The Musical!®

Opening Number
[crowd at Rick's]

We're stuck in this place called Morocco
And suddenly we find Krauts lingering behind
Each tree!

Morocco, to get out you must bribes be paying
Without cash you are surely staying...

Isla's Lament

Don't cry for me Casablanca
You were supposed to be my big comeback
Though it gets harder for you to watch me
I'm narcissistic and have a contract

da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da

LMAO Lairbo!


"La Isla Bonita..."

please don't play it again.

I have a wicked case of the flu and you spring something like THIS on me? Cruel.

Wasn't Evita enough of a train wreck???

*snork @ Lairbo*

Arrogance, thy name is Madonna Ciccone.

"I'm shocked, shocked to find that there is acting going on in here!"

Will the song be changed to "La Ilsa Bonita"???

Believe it or not, if you ever watch "Barb Wire" with Pamela Anderson (and I'm sure all of you have it at home on DVD), you will notice that is essentially a remake of "Casablanca" except set in the future..... when boobs were bigger.

Oddly, Pamela's character is like the Bogart part with a male actor playing the Bergman role....

The world survived that and will likely survive any attempt at a remake by Madonna.... I hope.

Words escape me.
Seriously, I have nothing.
Oh the Humanity!!!!!

You rang?

Lairbo ... I wuz thinkin' of Sean Penn as Rick ... merely sayin' ... lend a bit of realism? Or not ... whutever ...

Trivia question: If you have (as do I) an original (well, they told me it wuz original) poster of Casablanca in your office/den/home ... there's a rather noticeable misprint on it. One of the actor's names is misspelled ..

Hint: It's also misspelled in Lairbo's list. (NOT to criticize, Lairbo ... I useta do the same thing ... until I actually looked at it one day ...)

Peter Lorre's character's name was Ugarte

OtU: I like the Sean Penn twist, especially if she moves the setting to Iraq.

Yeah, Sydney. I had that poster up forever. But that was a long time ago. Forever, I mean.

I also misspelled "Ilsa" for those of you keeping score at home.

I wish I had a mere inkling of how long I made that mistake before I finally started reading the credits ... an easy error ... I'm not sure, but I'm thinkin' the Hollywood types might've had the same glitch on the poster for The Maltese Falcon ...

OtU: Does that typo/misspelling make them more collectible/valuable, a la the upside down airplane stamp?

Key Line From Original Script Which Should Be Left As Is:

"I don't mind a parasite; I object to a cut-rate one."

(I suppose that with Madonna, you've noticed art is cheap?)

I doubt it, Lairbo ... we can't possibly be the first people to ever notice it ...

I don't actually know if mine (well, two of 'em, actually) is a legitimate "original" ... but it looks perty believable to me ...

I am absolutely horrified. What insane delusional egoism to think of remaking Bergman in what may be the best film of all time. And it is Madonna who will perpetrate this travesty?! Insanity.

"So, Madonna, why did you choose to do a remake of Casablanca?"

"To showcase my talent as an actress."

"But you have no talent as an actress!"

"I was misinformed."

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