Dave Barry's Blog

THIS IS A TEST

Pay no attention to this post.

ATTENTION, ALANIS MORISSETTE

This is ironic.

(Thanks to Willie Rainier)

JOURNALISM TIP FOR TODAY

To attract readers to a story, use an attention-getting headline.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

CSI: SCRANTON

(Thanks to Danny)

TIME FOR AN AIR STRIKE

Workers are slowly dismantling a home in an effort to remove a cat.

(Thanks to to Siouxie)

GOOD NEWS FOR ALCOHOLIC RATS

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

CELLMATE FROM HELL

A Mexican town has jailed a bull.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Madonna wants to remake Casablanca.

Key Suggested Script Improvements:

Of all the Kabbalah meetings in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

Here's looking at you, kid. Now who do we have to pay to adopt him?

We'll always have Basra... I think this is the beginning of a beautiful fitness regime...

I stick my neck out for nobody - just in case they see the wrinkles.

It doesn't take much to see that Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction arsenal didn't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

 

HASN'T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH?

A man is sentenced to jail for asking women to kick him in the groin.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

IN OTHER IMPLANT NEWS

Whoops.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson and DavCat and sjhaller)

WE HAVE OUR DOUBTS

...a surgeon has devised a new way of adding up to 5cm to a person's height by inserting a silicone head implant.

Hasn't this been tried already?

(Thanks to DavCat)

ATTENTION, NEW YORK STATE

We have found your next governor.

(Thanks to Chris Lawson)

ENGLAND: RUNNING OUT OF NEWS?

Apparently.

Key Byline: Virginia Squealer

(Thanks to sjhaller)

DINING OUT IN SOUTH KITSAP

The dress code is strictly enforced.

(Thanks to MissV and Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO AIR TRAVELERS USING HEATHROW AIRPORT

You might want to consider an alternative, such as shooting yourself.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A BURNING PASSION

Key quote: "I asked him what the movement was about, and he said for what he believes in," he said. "I asked him what he believes in, and he said Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and Toby Keith."

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHO SAYS GUYS ARE INCAPABLE OF HAVING RELATIONSHIPS?

Man Caught Having Sex with a Picnic Table

(Thanks to DavCat)

IN OUR YOUNGER DAYS, THIS WAS HOW WE KNEW IT HAD BEEN A GOOD PARTY

Man Wakes Up Inside Garbage Truck

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who notes that, incredibly, alcohol appears to have been involved)

A LOAD OFF THIS BLOG'S MIND

The Large Hadron Collider will not destroy the planet. At least not according to experts.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard, who says, "Waiter, make mine a double.")

WHO SAYS THE PEOPLE HAVE NO POWER?

Because of the nipple-ring outcry, the TSA has revised its body-piercing policy.

(Thanks to Jim J)

WE CAN SEE LEAVING AN UMBRELLA IN A BUS SHELTER

But... this?

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

IF EVER A CITY DESERVED A COLONOSCOPY CERTIFICATE

...that city is Edmonton.

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

AN ALMOST FOOLPROOF PLAN

But she can kiss good-bye her hopes of being Mom of the Year.

(Thanks to jon harris, whose fault it is if this has already been blogged. Right?)

SAFE AND RESTFUL

Sleep, sleep...ACK!

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WE DON'T KNOW...

But we are willing to give it a shot.

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR OF THE YEAR SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STUNNING WOMBAT RAPE UPDATE

It turns out that the guy who claims he was raped by a wombat is... dating Eliot Spitzer!

But seriously, you will be stunned to learn that he is unable to substantiate his claim.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

COFFEE

Nothing is more important.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

WE HAVE THIS TEAM IN OUR FINAL FOUR

The Kyrgyzstan Headless Sheep Wranglers

(Thanks to sjhaller)

GLASSES NOT GEEKY, RESEARCH FINDS

Oh, really? Try telling that to this guy:

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

EASTER ISLANDERS

Don't mess with them.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS

(Thanks to Lisa Gibson and DavCat)

McRAGE

Key Quote, With Surprising Part In Bolfdace: "The suspect driving the Stratus got out of the vehicle and accosted the driver of the white Blazer, threatening him, using bad language and hitting him with McDonald's food,” Mark Dalpiaz with Boise Police said. “Apparently the suspect was under the influence of an alcoholic beverage." 

(Thanks to Woozy Barnes)

YOU'RE NOT SAFE ANYWHERE

Anywhere.

(Thanks to sjhaller and Justin Barber and Baron vonKlyff and of course Siouxie)

MORE FASCISM

Now they want to take away our precious nipple rings.

(Thanks to sjhaller and of course Siouxie and -- Surprise! -- DavCat. Also Cheryl Howard.)

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away the fundamental American right to write checks on toilet paper.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff, Keli Minick, Jeff Meyerson and of course Siouxie and also of course DavCat)

THEY HAVE OUR VOTE

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

BUSTED

Whoa, that narrows it down.

(Thanks to scmommy)

THIS JUST IN FROM CLINTON COUNTY

BALLET

It's bigger than ever.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

VIDEO UPDATE, thanks to commenter Cat R.

FLORIDA SERVICE-INDUSTRY WORKER OF THE DAY SO FAR

Cabbie Bites Woman Over Fare

(Thanks to Katie Silverthome, who says, "I don't think we should show this story to Aunt Shelly.")

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL MAY HAVE BEEN INVOLVED

Totally Understandable Canadian Birthday Stabbing Of The Day So Far

Barrie police Sgt. Dan Mafturack said the man asked the woman what she wanted for dinner by saying, "Do you want ham, potatoes and vegetables, or potatoes, vegetables and ham?"

The query apparently upset the woman, who then allegedly grabbed the knife and stabbed her spouse in the chest.

(Thanks to Onterrible)

ATTENTION, MEN WISHING TO SCORE WITH THE LADIES

Take a tip from male river dolphins: Wave your flotsam.

(Thanks to sjhaller)

TO BE EATEN ONLY IN THE CARDIAC UNIT, WITH SURGEONS HOVERING NEARBY, SCALPELS POISED

The Doughnut Burger

(Thanks to Josh)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

They are everywhere.

(Thanks to Barb Goldstein, sjhaller, Chuck, Heather and we think some other people whose emails we deleted by mistake, sorry.)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this alert motorist.

Key Quote: "At first I didn't think anything was wrong. It was quiet. Then I saw cars coming towards me. It was quite scary and I didn't know what to do."

Gee, that's a tough one. Maybe... STOP DRIVING THE WRONG DIRECTION?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THIS COULD ALSO INVOLVE A DISGUISED WOMBAT

Awareness Test

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

EXCELLENT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Space Junk of Doom

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HE WON'T GET FAR ON FOOT

Police on trail of 'fat bandit'

Key Police Quote: "We just think he is fat."

(Thanks to The Perts)

UPDATE ON THE OKLAHOMA MAN WHO ALLEGEDLY DARN NEAR TORE OFF THE SCROTUM OF A MAN WEARING A UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS SHIRT IN -- NEEDLESS TO SAY -- A BAR

According to this story, the alleged assailant is a federal auditor AND a church deacon.

(Thanks to DavCat)