Dave Barry's Blog

PRODUCTIVITY ENHANCER OF THE DAY FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS

(Thanks to Scott MGS)

SOON TO BE A TELEVISION MINI-SERIES

Danger in North Chico

(Thanks to Mike Watson)

BIRD ROAD RUDY UPDATE

CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT Q&A UPDATE

The site has been moved.¹

¹Frankly, we are not surprised.

ATTENTION MIAMI-AREA NASCAR FANS

Monday night at 8 p.m. Liz Clarke, a fine sportswriter for The Washington Post, will be at Books and Books in Coral Gables to talk about her book on NASCAR, One Helluva Ride, which I just finished reading, and really enjoyed. I'll be introducing Liz, drawing on my extensive experience driving on  NASCAR tracks.

DINING AROUND IN WEST BEND, WIS.

How's your steak?

(Thanks to Siouxie, who also sent in this hair-related item from Paris Fashion week, concerning models sporting what Siouxie describes as  "Dave Barry hair."  We see no resemblance.)

Q. WHERE SHOULD I STORE FIREWORKS?

A. Not in the oven.

(Thanks to DavCat)

DOES NICK NOLTE HAVE A BROTHER?

(Thanks to DavCat)

ADVISORY

Today I am attempting to get back across the country by air. So, be advised.

PROOF THAT SCIENTISTS ARE GUYS

This is cool, but you know it started as a prank.

(Thanks to Lorn Ray)

EDUCATIONAL AND NOT AT ALL CREEPY TOY OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM

(Thanks to jon harris)

EBAY ITEM OF THE DAY

Earring Magic Ben Affleck Ken

CSI: ISRAEL

Tip for Law Enforcement: You may be looking for five trucks.... or 10 women.

(Thanks to queensbee and Rick Pursley)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Sent in by everyone with a computer)

Honorable Mention Update, thanks to Jamiept and Sandi Kubbs

SPEAKING OF AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE...

...I'm flying across the country today, so I won't be blogging for a while. Right now I'm in a plane at Miami International Airport Construction Zone. When I went through security, the TSA guy who was checking IDs announced: "Everybody, please hold your own ticket." Then, apparently for the benefit of Spanish-speaking travelers, he said, "Hold-o your own ticket-o. Everybody-o."

Update: Now here's a shock. The pilot just announced that we have a Mechanical Problem. Aircraft maintenance is taking a look at it.

Update: They're changing a brake assembly. But they still think we might be leaving sometime today. Or at least this week. Maybe. They're going to keep us advised.

Update: The pilot just informed us that the repair is, quote, "not going as quickly as expected." He did not say who expected it to be going quickly.

Update: They're doing the paperwork! Can't be more than another day or two now. Anyway, I'm signing off here. Thanks for the company, and I hope the rest of your day goes better than mine has so far.

Update (thanks to Peter Metrinko): I hope I don't have this pilot.

Update: The pilot says they're "still taking care of paperwork." I think maybe they're doing their taxes up there.

Update: They told me to turn off my 'puter. Bye.

BEER DRINKER OF THE YEAR

He's an aircraft maintenance manager.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

They're still at it. And some people still don't get it.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

TEACHERS

They don't get paid enough.

(Thanks to Rick Pursley and DavCat)

CSI: BANGOR

Man follows tracks to alleged snowmobile chop shop

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

FASCISM CREEPS BACK INTO ITALY

Now they are taking away the most fundamental guy right.

(Thanks to DavCat and Annette Gaudreau)

WE WEREN'T THE GENDER THAT STARTED THIS

Male spiders play dead for sex

(Thanks to DavCat)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

Now they're trying to keep Dustin the turkey out of the Eurovision song competition.

Some of you may recall that Ridley and I have performed with Dustin the turkey.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

Update: Here's Dustin's performance.

(Thanks to BoredCrow)

WHY CAN'T CANADIANS RUN FOR PRESIDENT?

We could stand behind a candidate like this.

(Thanks to Onterrible)

UPDATE ON LARGE SNAKES EATING THINGS

Now: A wallaby.

UPDATE FROM THE FASHION WORLD

The fashion world has been invaded by Zombie Death Women From Space.

(Thanks to Blair McKee and, let us not forget, Siouxie)

ATTENTION, WEIRD-LOOKING PEOPLE WISHING TO BE IN A MOVIE

Here's your chance.

Key Quote That Is Not Going to Persuade Anybody in West Virginia: "We tried to word it in a way that's not offensive. I hope it's not an offensive thing. It's not meant to be a generalization about everyone in West Virginia."

(Thanks to CJrun and Danny)

Update (thanks to insomniac, who notes that "Deliverance" was set in Georgia): The revenge of West Virginia.

ATTENTION, YOUNG PEOPLE WISHING TO GET A FOOTHOLD WORK IN WASHINGTON

Here's an exciting opportunity.

(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com guy)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Eyeball tattoos

Warning: Do NOT click on the link unless you want to see somebody getting a tattoo ON THE EYEBALL.

(Thanks to sjhaller and -- as if this needs to be pointed out -- Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE WEARING TROUSERS

Take them off NOW.

(Thanks to sjhaller and, of course, Siouxie)

BE CAREFUL, MEN

'Viagra turned my sight blue'

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

The Steaming Toilets

(Thanks to DavCat and Siouxie and CJrun)

DOWN, BOY!

Python eats family dog in front of children

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THIS HAPPENS TO US CONSTANTLY

Too pretty to fly.

(Thanks to PirateBoy and Siouxie)

JESUS-SIGHTINGS UPDATE

Now he's inside a tree.

(Thanks to Bill Hudgins and Siouxie)

GRAND JUNCTION

They don't take kindly to pig-statue rustlers.

(Thanks to Matthew Buettner)

THE VIRGINIA GENERAL ASSEMBLY: YOU CAN'T SPELL IT WITHOUT "ASS"

A crucial vote.

(Thanks to SharonCVille)

NOW SHOWING AT THE MUSEUM OF INDUSTRY IN OPATOWEK, POLAND

Underwear.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NEW HERALD SITE

Miami.com. Check it out.

ADVISORY FOR TRAVELERS WISHING TO USE THE TOILETS ON JAPANESE TRAINS

Know your positions.

(Thanks to DCFan, who states "I almost failed to following test on a train, guess how.")

POWER'S OUT

You may have heard this already, but the power is out in South Florida. Yikes.

Update: Mrs. Blog is out on the roads, which she says are chaotic. In other words, normal.

Update: The power's starting to come back in some places. We just got ours back.

'PEOPLE REMOVED THEIR HEADS'

A subtitling fiasco.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CREEPING FASCISM IN IOWA

Now they have taken away a fundamental employee right.

(Thanks to Siouxie and sjhaller)

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO WEAR HANDCUFFS

Policewoman sacked over porn film

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE BET IT DOES

Transgender Law Faces Stiff Opposition

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

WHAT GUYS ARE GOOD AT

Guys are good at saving labor.

(Thanks to Keli Minick)

CSI: APPLETON

(Thanks to sjhaller)

UPDATE ON THE WOMAN WHO KEEPS HIBERNATING TORTOISES IN HER REFRIGERATOR

Here's a photo. It would be truly scary to be a houseguest in this woman's home. You get the munchies one night, head for the kitchen, open the fridge and AIEEEEE

(Thanks to many people)

HUNTING

It's a chance to experience nature, from inside a portable toilet.

(Also thanks to Doc Rick)

WHY WE LOVE THE BRITISH PRESS

It's respectful.

(Thanks to Doc Rick)

ECO-MORON OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Also thanks to DavCat)