Dave Barry's Blog

COFFEE, TEA OR ...

Disposable seat covers?

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

COMPLETE, ACCURATE, UP-TO-DATE COVERAGE OF THE FLORIDA PRIMARY

It's not here.

IT'S SORT OF LIKE AN ENDOWED CHAIR

Key Quote: "Sometimes my best ideas have come to me while I'm in the bathroom."

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

LIFE IN SOUTH FLORIDA

It's not like where you live.

TAPE-DELAYED STUMPDATE

(Thanks to Manny at WIOD)

SPORTS UPDATE

It could be an exciting Super Bowl.

(Thanks to DavCat)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using owls.

Key Quote: "Who's going to believe you've been whacked by a bird?"

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU EAT IT RIGHT AT THE HOSPITAL

The Deep-Fried Cheese-Stuffed Burger from Bacon

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig, who says, "Because Americans just aren't fat enough")

WE ALL NEED SOME, FROM TIME TO TIME

Butt Glue

This would of course also be a good name for a rock band.

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

CRAIGSLIST

For all your needs.

(Thanks to DavCat and Just Ducky)

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE PLANNING TO BE ON THE PLANET EARTH DURING LATE FEBRUARY OR MARCH

Stay indoors.

(Thanks to Richard the Weasel-Hearted)

HOSPITAL FOOD

It's getting worse.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

HE MUST BE SO EMBARRASSED

A murder suspect is arrested wearing non-threatening footwear.

(Thanks to DavCat)

AND THEY ALL HAVE DRIVERS' LICENSES

Bats cause Florida traffic backups

(Thanks to Matt Filar)

GUY WITH WAY TOO MUCH SPARE TIME CONSUMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A retiree counts sheets of toilet paper.

(Thanks to DavCat)

A GRATEFUL WORLD REJOICES

Least-Accurate Opening Line of the Week So Far: "After months of speculation and rumor..."

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

SPEAKING OF INSANE INTERESTING INVENTONS...

Check out the Bog Horn.

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve)

YUM

How about an exhaust burger?

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

STRONG NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Cow Itch

(Thanks to Jan Berry)

THE CAMPAIGN JUGGERNAUT

It's really rolling now.

WANT TO UNDERSTAND THE FLORIDA PRIMARY?

So do we.

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away a man's castle.

(Thanks to Eric Kerstetter)

INCREDIBLY, ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED

Chess game nearly turns tragic

(Thanks to jon harris)

FASCISM IN THE SCHOOLS

Now they're trying to force the teachers to ... teach.

Key quote: "We went probably a month and never saw one stick of homework," the Luther student said.

(Thanks to Phil)

AND GOD SAID...

Let there be light.

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr, who needs a handbasket, and Chuck Cody)

BREAKING UPDATE ON NA HOON-A, THE ALLEGED PANTS-DROPPING MANHOOD-REVEALING SOUTH KOREAN POP SINGER

Video!

Turns out that Na Hoon-a does NOT, in fact, prove his point.

(Thanks to Danny)

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT LOCAL-TV-NEWS REPORTING

It's glamorous.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SOUTH KOREAN MUSIC UPDATE

Na-Hoon-a proves his point.

(Thanks to Steve Haller, who states, "For God's sake, don;t give Barry Manilow any ideas!")

CHAMBER OF COMMERCE LUNCHEON OF THE MONTH SO FAR

Key Quote: As Thane Maynard, executive director of the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens, flipped Cruncher, a two-foot alligator onto his back for a demonstration, the reptile shot an arc of urine into the air, hitting one of the guests.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau)

A TERRORIST THREAT, AND A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Mob of Wallabies

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE THINK WE SAW THIS MOVIE IN THE FIFTIES

Lewiston vs. The Blob

(Thanks to DavCat)

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

It applies to roofs.

(Thanks to Chaz Schlueter and ads and weaselboy)

A GREAT IDEA FROM -- WE ADMIT IT -- FRANCE

Wine over the Internet via your USB port!

(Thanks to B Coats)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using lettuce frogs.

(Thanks to W. von Papineau and Jeff Meyerson)

AS LONG AS THE SPEED-DIAL IS SET FOR PIZZA DELIVERY, THIS SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM

Women leave town and children in the hands of men

(Thanks to DavCat)

CALLING ALL OSAKA UNITS

And we mean all Osaka units.

(Thanks to DavCat)

CRIME IN CLEARWATER

It's completely out of control.

(Thanks to JEC666)

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY'LL LEGALIZE DANCING

Bill Would End Virginia's Sangria Ban

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

HALLELUJAH III

The return of pre-GPS Jesus.

NAMES IN THE NEWS

Alan Johnson, the Health Secretary, and Ed Balls, the Secretary of State for Children

(Thanks to Beth Armogida)

DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

It's a good thing she got a head start on reading the Want Ads.

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

HARD TO IMAGINE ANYTHING GOING WRONG

Some women in Springfield are regretting their decision last week to get a tattoo from a door-to-door tattoo salesman.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

STUMP-DATE, IF YOU WILL

(Radio, about 11:45)

UPDATE ON NON-ROCKET-SCIENTIST AUSTRALIAN PARTY DUDE

He's turning pro.

(Thanks to AmerinParis)

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FROM TURKMENISTAN

The good news is, they have lifted the ban on circuses.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

THIS JUST IN FROM WEST FRANKFORT

Turns out it's not a nudist colony.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHOOPS

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig)

UPDATE ON JAPANESE ASTRONAUTS RUNNING OUT OF EXPERIMENTS TO PERFORM IN SPACE

First we had this; now, this. It is only a matter of time before we get to this.

(Thanks to Jeff Matthews)

ADVISORY TO CONSUMERS IN THE MARKET FOR A SMALL SMILING FACE

Check the Customer Reviews first.

Key Quote: "The vacuum cleaner started lactating."

(Thanks to Timothy Hunt)

HUMOR IMPAIRMENT

It is no laughing matter.