Dave Barry's Blog

THIS WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER HAPPEN IN MIAMI

Honesty foils car theft sting operation

(Thanks to published author Annie Where-but-here))

FINALLY, SOMEBODY IS WILLING TO SAY IT

Cats Suck

(Thanks to Jeff Spotts)

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

There are many ways to make it there.

(Thanks to DavCat)

OUR APPROACH: HAVE ANOTHER BEER

How To Talk To Boring Relatives at Dinner

Key Quote That This Blog Views With Some Skepticism: The reason many people make boring conversation is not because they don’t have anything interesting to talk about, but because they don’t know how to talk about things in an interesting way. By asking questions, you can help them.

This Blog's Suggested Question: "Mind if I go get another beer?"

(Thanks to Jazzzz)

HO HO HOLLYWOOD

Key Quote: In addition to a red Santa hat, he wore a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

Related Story: Santa has been very busy.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHY WE LOVE THE HOLIDAYS

They're festive.

(Thanks to DavCat)

Update

(Thanks to Betsy)

IT'S ABOUT TIME

(Thanks to Phil Snyder)

A GIANT STEP FORWARD FOR METEOROLOGY

Pig Spleens

Key Quote: "It looks like a normal year with no major storms," said the 84-year-old Smokov, peering at two of the brown, glistening, foot-long organs on his kitchen counter like a Gypsy gazing into a crystal ball. "That's what the spleens tell me."

(Thanks to sjhaller and DavCat and Jeff Meyerson, who notes that "Pig Spleens" would be a good name for a rock band)

CHRISTMAS IN MIAMI

TO ALL OF YOU, FROM ALL OF US HERE AT THE BLOG

Have a Cool Yule.

SPEAKING OF GOING TO THE BATHROOM

Singapore shows some class.

Key Quote Indicating Tastefulness: "Since there's an interest for products that Sharapova will use during her stay here, we want to do this tastefully," organiser Jerry Goh told Singapore's New Paper on Sunday. "So no toilet seats or covers will be offered for auction."

ADVISORY TO PEOPLE GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN TRINIDAD

Beware.

Key Quote: "Whatever it is, I don't consider it a small creature."

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T SHRIEK "HOLIDAY SEASON IN SOUTH FLORIDA," WE DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES

Baby Jesus Gets GPS After Thefts

(Thanks to Annie Where-but-here and Cheryl Howard)

IN THE SPIRIT OF THE SEASON...

...we will not make a joke about France surrendering..

(Also thanks to DavCat)

HO HO HO

You better watch out.

(Thanks to DavCat and Jon Harris)

THE MIAMI DOLPHINS

Number One, baby.

EL PASO

A Strict Town

(Also thanks to DavCat)

AN EXTREMELY SLOW NEWS DAY IN ENGLAND?

We link; you decide.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

OK, THIS IS WEIRD AND OLD

But darn it, we like it.

(Thanks to Dave Miesen, who says, "fimally, a version that doesn't suck.")

AND THE SO-CALLED UNITED NATIONS DOES NOTHING

Now Texas is taxing strip clubs.

(Thanks to Larry Martell and sjhaller and Jeff Meyerson)

THE BAD NEWS IS, FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL BE ALLOWED TO CARRY CATTLE PRODS

Air passengers win right to water, food

(Thanks to the Perts)

THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT IN WEST VIRGINIA

Ho Ho Ho

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

Update: The good cheer has spread to Wyoming.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson and sjhaller and Siouxie)

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

The little furred bastards keep attacking, even during the holidays.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

CONSUMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Key Quote: "Three days in any store is a little crazy, but in a Wal-Mart...yeah."

(Thanks to DavCat)

HAPPY HOWLIDAYS

(Thanks to Imelda of the message board)

A NEEDED PRODUCT, AND A TRULY GREAT NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Subtle Butt

(Via Gizmodo)

WHY WE LOVE AIR TRAVEL

The glamor.

(Thanks to JEC666)

A BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT

Chuck Norris says his tears do not, in fact, cure cancer.

(Also thanks to Jon Harris)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

PAMELA ANDERSON PROBABLY HAS A PhD

Boobonomics

(Thanks to DavCat)

HO HO HO

Somebody needs to direct this Santa to this site.

(Thanks to Bath Lipoff)

FIREFIGHTERS

They don't get paid enough

(Thanks to DavCat)

GEE, YOU THINK?

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)

HO HO HO

(Thanks to waxwing)

THE INTERNET: A FORCE FOR GOOD

Pesky Beavers Saved

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

UPDATE

Santa's in the Miami airport. I'm guessing his flight is delayed.

YAY

I'm in Miami. The gunfire never sounded so good.

SHOCKING POLITICAL HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Brainy Jello)

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

(Thanks to DavCat)

UPDATE

We're still at the gate.

UDATE

I'm on a plane again. I'm not sure which one, or where it's going. Away from the Atlanta airport is all I ask. Other than that I don't care any more.

UPDATE

So my current flight -- for those of you keeping score, this is flight number three, although none of these "flights" has actually left the ground -- is now delayed. They have posted a new departure time of 11:31, which is comically optimistic, as it is now 11:20, and we haven't started boarding. But I like the "31."
BREAKING NEWS: They just announced that there are mechanics on board, checking a "problem." They hope to have an announcement in "30 minutes."
I'm going to see if Starbucks sells cyanide.

UPDATE

They're "scheduled to make a decision" about my flight "around noon." They don't say what year. So I have switched to another flight. Pray for me, and all the lost souls here at the Atlanta airport.

On a brighter note: The airport p.a. system is playing Christmas music, and I just heard one of my favorite all-time lyrics:

Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire

WE HAVE NO COMMENT

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ATTENTION ALL HUNGARIAN UNITS

Be on the lookout for a stolen beach.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff and Jeff Meyerson, who notes that they won't get far on foot.)

HO HO HO

Santa Decked by Flying Object

Key Quote: "They thought I'd spilled my hot chocolate, but then they realized it was blood," Smith said.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

UPDATE

So I decided that my best hope was to go by car from Greenville to Atlanta, then get a plane to Miami. I made it to Atlanta and got through the 986,000,000,000,000,000,000-person security line and ran to the plane, which turned out, after we boarded it and sat for an hour or so , to have..... a maintenance issue! Apparently for optimal flying performance, both engines need to be working. So now we're back at the gate.
I may be spending Christmas at the Atlanta airport.

ADVISORY

Blogging from me will be light today, because my 6 a.m. flight from Greenville, SC, to Atlanta was canceled, and I was re-routed to Miami through, I think, Tokyo. I will let you know if I ever get home.

THE GOOD NEWS IS, HE'S ALL SET FOR HALLOWEEN

Man Turns Into Smurf

(Thanks to Siouxie)