Dave Barry's Blog

NAPERVILLE UPDATE

Here's a picture of blogster Dances With Vowels with Ridley and me. We're wearing eyepatches, and wondering how the hell pirates could see where they were going.

NAPERVILLE

We are dining at Lou Malnati's Pizzeria in Naperville. One of the waiters is a giant wolf named Greg. We assume this has something to do with Halloween.

ATTENTION, MR. TED HABTE-GABR

Is your dog missing?

(Thanks to Marta Zlotnick)

And while we're thanking people: Many, many crunchy thanks to the bloglits¹, from Dave, Elaine, and the s.b.

¹You know who you are.

OOPSIE!

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

A BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO?

We are extremely shocked.

(Thanks to Brent S.)

CHICAGO

The city has pulled out all the stops for us, including naming a street after Ridley.

REV. SHIELDS, WE HARDLY KNEW YE

He slept two hours at a time and wrote down his dreams. He saved nose-hair clippings and detailed his bodily fluid eliminations. He could not say why he did those things.

(Thanks to DavCat)

EMAIL FROM EYEWITNESS TO THE BEST. FOOTBALL. PLAY. EVER.

Hi Dave,

The football video is indeed real - I was watching it from the Millsaps sidelines as the entire monstrosity unfolded during our Homecoming festivities in Jackson. The Millsaps administration even launched the fireworks before the play was over, figuring Trinity could never pull off an upset in one play. Ha ha!

Thought you might enjoy a picture I snapped earlier in the game of a Trinity player trotting towards the middle of the field. You can see the "Driven" Millsaps College banner in the upper corner of the photo.

Questions immediately arise: Why is he carrying TWO footballs? Why is there no one else on the field? And why does he have a FIELD GOAL bleached INTO HIS SCALP?!

All the best,

- Chris "Ricky Kidd" Spear

 

ATTENTION: MEN, AND ANYONE ELSE WHO SHOULD NOT BE LOOKING AT NAKEDIDITY

Do not click this link.

(Women: Happy Halloween from DavCat and the s.b.)

(UPDATE: And make sure you make your next hotel reservation at Travelodge.)

(Thanks to Ginger B.)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Ridley and I are at JFK, on our way to Chicago. This is not a mask: this is what I actually look like when I have to catch an early flight.

STRUMPDATE

This is Dan. He brought Barry Beer to the signing. As far as I know, this makes me the only leading presidential contender who has an official beer.

STRUMPDATE

We're taking the train to our signing tonght at Border's in White Plains. Ridley is VERY excited.

STRUMPDATE

We had some spare time in Manhattan, so naturally -- since we're surrounded by museums and historical sites -- we went to the Apple store. Here's a CrapCam photo of Ridley experiencing deep lust for an iPhone, which he is using to post comments to this blog.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, OFFICER?

(Thanks to Ellie)

WHEW

(Thanks to scmommy and Steve Bradford)

YOU NEED THEM

(Via Gizmodo)

STRUMPDATE: NEW YORK CITY

One of the things that give New York City its distinctive quality is the Giant Early-Morning Banging Machine Program (GEMBMP). Every weekday at about 3 a.m. city workers fire up giant diesel-powered banging machines, which rumble around midtown Manhattan banging things as hard as possible. From time to time they back up, emitting, for safety purposes, a piercing BEEP BEEP BEEP sound that is audible in Maine. This program protects hotels guests in midtown from the dangers of sleep, which has been linked, in medical studies, to productivity. 

24

In last week's episode, Jack Bauer ended up on The Jetsons. Edgar is still dead. Ridley and I are somewhere on book tour. Give it up now for The Amazing Steve.
 

PARENTS OF THE YEAR SO *HIC* FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

BUT HOW DO YOU GET THE PATIENT TO COOPERATE?

(Thanks to Schadeboy)

WHILE THE BLOG'S AWAY...

Just following orders.

(Thanks to sthnbelle)

STRUMPETING UPDATE

And more

SAN FRANCISCO

Birthplace of Tube Fighting.

(Thanks to DavCat)

STRUMPDATE

Ridley and I did an event this morning at the Morgan Stanley Children's Pavilion at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York. On hand was a great group of kids from P.S. 128, shown here looking piratical.

On a serious note: If you ever feel sorry for yourself, visit a children's hospital, and you'll be reminded (a) how lucky you are, and (b) how brave kids can be.

ROAD RAGE

2007 style

(Thanks to Gregory Snow)

BEST. FOOTBALL. PLAY. EVER.

If it's real.

TRAVEL ADVISORY

For the next two weeks Ridley and I will be traveling all over the place strumpeting for our new book. I will have my CrapCam phone, but blogging from me may be sporadic, which means judi may be blogging more, which means you may be seeing more pictures of naked men.

In any event, Ridley and I look forward to seeing some of you on the tour, although depending on how long we've been on the road, we may not look so fabulous.

CRIME IN NEWCASTLE

It's not pretty.

(Also thanks to DavCat)

WE KNEW IT

Aliens are using secret weapons to attack our major appliances.

(Thanks to DavCat)

OBSERVATION ON A SUNDAY MORNING AFTER A HALLOWEEN PARTY

You have not really lived until you have danced the Macarena with a toilet seat around your neck.

HALLOWEEN UPDATE

 

We're going to a costume party tonight. I will be assuming a wide stance.

OK, SO WE HAVE NOT YET CURED THE COMMON COLD

But we DO have scratch 'n' sniff wallpaper.

(Thanks to Janice Gelb)

MEDICAL ADVICE OF THE DAY SO FAR

"We don't want people covering their bodies with broccoli and going to the beach."

(Thanks to Amanda Tunison)

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

There's a cooter crisis in Citrus County.

Key Quote: "Cooters. They all look the same. So I had no idea that there was a difference."

(Thanks to Mary King)

POTENTIAL IDAHO SENATE MATERIAL FOUND IN IOWA

(Thanks to DavCat)

APPROPRIATE BYLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Damon Guppy

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson, who will NOT REST until this item gets blogged)

WOMEN'S HEALTH ADVISORY

(Thanks to CJRun, a professional scientist whose scientific observation is, quote, "Let the puppies BREATHE!")

IN KEEPING WITH THIS BLOG'S STRICT POLICY OF NOT MAKING FUN OF NAMES

...we will refrain from linking to this.

(Thanks to Warren Anderson)

IT'S EVERY LITTLE GIRL'S FANTASY TO BE...

...a Pink Mummy Fairy!

(Thanks to Chris Paxton)

GREATEST CRIME-FIGHTING IDEA EVER

(Thanks to Beth Lipoff)

GIFT SEASON IS COMING....

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr. We don't know why Ted was looking at this item, and we don't want to know.)

YIKES

VIa Gizmodo)

FANS OF SOCCER, THE BEAUTIFUL GAME

Here's a commercial for you.

WARNING: Not suitable for watching by anyone, anywhere.

(Thanks to DavCat)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys can focus on the task at hand.

(Thanks to DavCat)

AN APPEAL TO FREEDOM-LOVING WOMEN WHO ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SITUATION IN BURMA

Take off your panties.

(Thanks to Liz Headland)

IT'LL LAST UNTIL MAYBE THANKSGIVING

Pair Get Hitched at Ohio Haunted House

Key Quote from Father of the Groom: "It's weird watching your son get out of a coffin. Usually when you see someone in a coffin, they're going the other way."

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

THEY WILL ALL BE GIVEN FLORIDA DRIVERS' LICENSES

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

PEOPLE OF BRITAIN:

Flee.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

STRUMPDATE

(Thanks to Karen Willis and her friend Caroline)

UH-OH

(Thanks to Kaurie MacElroy)