Dave Barry's Blog

AIR-TRAVEL TIP FOR TODAY

Whatever you do, under no circumstances should you attempt to travel by air today.

ADVISORY

I won't be blogging this weekend, except maybe a little by phone, as I am traveling computerless, just like the hardy pioneers who lived back in the early 1980s. Judi will also not be blogging, as she's off for a week or so to England, where there reportedly is beer. Walter will not be blogging either, because he is - not to put too fine a point on it - the penis bone of a walrus. So on behalf of all of us: Have a fine Labor Day weekend. Keep a wide stance at all times, and don't work too hard, unless you're piloting the plane I'm getting on soon, in which case please take your job very seriously until we land. Thank you.

CELEBRITY ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

Big Brother is out of rehab.

(Also thanks to Siouxie, who notes: "Now he's ready for a duet with Britney Spears.")

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

Be on the lookout.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THEY MUST HAVE HAD EVERYTHING INSIDE A CLEAR, ONE-QUART RESEALABLE PLASTIC BAG

I can't get through Miami airport security with toothpaste. So what the hell is this?

(Thanks to Chris Mitchell)

THOUSANDS OF GUYS GET INVOLVED IN A CAUSE

Because, gosh darn it, they care.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

YIKES

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

INCREDIBLE AS IT MAY SEEM

For once, we find ourselves rooting for a squirrel.

(Thanks to Geoff)

WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT KIDS TODAY LACK INITIATIVE

This blog replies: Oh yeah?

Video here.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

LEAST-FENCEABLE STOLEN GOOD OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE "OPEN"

(Thanks to Siouxie)

Funny thing: Mrs. Blog is up there covering the Open, but she has not mentioned this.

COLORADO RESIDENTS:

Beware of falling trout.

(Thanks to Joeski)

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

CANADA

Home of the Loon

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

MALE FASHION CONCEPT OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

(We're thinking this concept would be a hit with this guy.)

IT COULD BE A MISUNDERSTANDING

This guy might just be one of those drivers who have a wide stance.

(Also thanks to Justin Barber)

YET ANOTHER ARGUMENT AGAINST CATS

They're killing the whales.

(Thanks to Justin Barber)

UPDATE: KEITH RICHARDS VS. SWEDEN

As we reported earlier, Keith is demanding an apology from the Swedish media for suggesting that the Stones gave a poor performance and Keith was totally whacked out on something not at his best. We have done some research (thanks to Claire Martin) and we now believe that Keith has a point: Rock-and-rollwise, Sweden has a lot to apologize for.

ADVISORY TO BRITISH MOTORISTS

Watch out.

SNAKE TERRORISM

Now the scaly bastards are attacking two of our most cherished institutions: Mrs. America and Taco Bell.

Update: Also, our goldfish. And our colleges.

Update: Also they are turning into humans.

MR. SABELLA

Warning: This is not meant to be amusing.

As a student at Pleasantville (N.Y.) High School in the sixties, I was lucky enough to  get to know Anthony Sabella, sometimes known to students as Tough Tony. He was the assistant principal, which meant he was the school's main disciplinarian, which meant I had plenty of interaction with him. But despite the fact that on more than one occasion I was genuinely concerned that he might -- as he threatened -- pick me up by my neck and drop me out of a third-floor window, we actually became sort of friends, or as friendly as a school disciplinarian and a total wiseass can be.

In addition to being assistant principal, Mr. Sabella was a much-respected high-school-sports official. He also taught American History. I was in his class one year, and it was one of the best classes I ever took, high school or college. Mr. Sabella was very knowledgeable and had strong opinions, but it never bothered him if you disagreed. He liked the give-and-take, which was not always the case with my teachers. By the end of my senior year, I really liked running into him, and I think he liked running into me, even though these run-ins still sometimes ended with my getting detention. For example, I once led a large lunch-hour sit-in demonstration (this was the era of sit-in demonstrations) in favor of absolutely nothing. We just sat around the floor shouting random slogans of protest. When Mr. Sabella showed up, he was directed to me, as the ringleader, and I explained that we had no actual cause; we were just sitting in. He kept a straight face, but I could tell he found this amusing. He still gave me detention. 

Over the years I occasionally mentioned Mr. Sabella in columns, and was always delighted to hear from him, and his family. Recently, however, I heard he was not doing well. Today I learned that he died. So I'm sad about that. But it heartens me to think that if there is an afterlife, and if the afterlife has a dress code, it will henceforth be strictly enforced.

Update: So many great comments, from people who knew and loved Anthony Sabella, or were lucky enough to have teachers like him. Just got this email from Pleasantville grad Skip Mulch:

Mr. Sabella – alias “Tough Tony” alias “Ali oop” …. I was his paper boy (reporter dispatch) as well as on the receiving end of a record number of detentions LOL. Before high school was over though thanks in part to him I began writing a sports column in the in the Pleasantville Journal.
After graduation I went right to Air Force boot camp. The discipline that he imparted to me made that and many other of life’s challenges much more bearable. Now as a father and grandfather, the things I learned from him I would call “tough love” I have used them well and we could use much more of it in the world today.
SO here is to Anthony Sabella. He made the world a much better place because he was here and that is a fact!  We will all miss him, but his legacy lives on in all of us that knew him. In fact his legacy is present in many of our everyday actions. Life is good when you are proud of what you do.
Thanks Mr. Sabella

IT'S ABOUT TIME WE CRACKED DOWN ON THESE TROUBLEMAKER KIDS

(Thanks to the Perts)

UPDATE ON THE LATE RICHARD "DICK" JOHNSON AND THE ORIGIN OF NUGGETS

Andrew Hoenig, responding to the earlier post about the death of Richard "Dick" Johnson, reminds us that "the nugget machine would not have been possible without the work of Robert C. Baker.There is a song about him called Nugget Man."

This concludes our update on the late Richard "Dick" Johnson.

ADVISORY TO RESIDENTS OF WILLS POINT, TEXAS

Run.

(Thanks to Valerie)

MASTERMIND ESCAPE ARTIST OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WE CAN IMAGINE

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

IN MIAMI, THIS IS PRACTICALLY THE SAME AS CASH

(Thanks to Siouxie)

IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHETHER SINGER BJ THOMAS IS STILL PERFORMING

The answer is yes.

(Thanks to Mark Newsom)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS OF THE DAY SO FAR

Not that we are interested in their minds.

(Thanks to many people, but DavCat, of course, first)

UPDATE: Is this the same guy?

GUYS

They are innovators.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

The Toilet-Torching Ghost Man of Africa

(In your comments, please maintain the classiness of this blog by refraining from making jokes about Sen. Larry Craig. Thank you.)

UPDATE: Apparently the Ghost Man of Africa is also in Florida.

SANDUSKY-AREA UPDATE

It's time for... Melon Fest!

WHILE WE'RE LINKING TO GIZMODO ITEMS...

You fearful fliers will not want to click on this.

We just hope that all the passengers on that plane had their cell phones turned off, as they can interfere with a plane's delicate navigational electronics.

WHY IS THIS NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT?

The jet-powered luge.

R.I.P. RICHARD "DICK" JOHNSON

Without him, we would not have nuggets.

FILL 'ER UP

In Other Cow News: Houston, we have a moo.

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THE DRIVING FORCE BEHIND THE WORLD ECONOMY

Beer.

(Thanks to Larry Martell)

TIME TO NUKE SWEDEN?

They're dissing the Stones.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to rsierra)

FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT KEEP READING THIS POST

Hey Dave,
Just wanted to share this photo with you...it was taken at the Star Wars Celebration IV in Los Angeles. The convention was in May, and my eyes are still burning....
Now I know why I live in the Midwest.
Sincerely,
Honor Missler

ADVISORY: You still have time to stop reading this post.

ADVISORY:  This blog is not kidding.

ADVISORY:  THIS WILL BE YOUR LAST ADVISORY.

 

WHOOPS

Key Quote: The fire was apparently sparked by construction workers building a new fire station about four miles up the canyon.

(Thanks to Doug Ensign)

MEN

Do not click here.

(Thanks to many people, some of them, incredibly, men)

HA HA! WHOLESOME FUN AT THE WHITE HOUSE

None of them will ever work in government again.

(Thanks to crossgirl)

LAND OF OPPORTUNITY

(Thanks to judi, who would have unlocked an iPhone if this blog had asked her to)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

IT'S GETTING SO YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy)

ATTENTION, SPORTS FANS

It's like a dream come true.

(Thanks to Rob White)

HOW LONG ARE YOU IN FOR?

Who cares, dude?

(Thanks to John Grant)

ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ATTEMPTED TO AWAKEN A SLEEPING TEENAGER

...will not be surprised by this.

(Thanks to DavCat14)