Dave Barry's Blog

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this plucky pensioner.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

EXXONMOBIL

The Company That Keeps On Giving

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WE WOULD NOT PRESUME TO TELL THE PHOENIX POLICE HOW TO DO THEIR JOBS

But wasn't getting him to stop the car the, um, goal?

(Thanks to DavCat)

MOM OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

CATS

The Blog once said:

Over the years, many cat-lovers have asked me: ``Dave, how come you never write about cats? Is it because you don't LIKE cats? Is it because cats are vicious, unprincipled household parasites that will stroll up to the person who has fed them for 17 years and, without provocation, claw this person's shin flesh into lasagna? Is it because they are lazy, ungrateful, hairball-spewing ... HEY! These aren't cat-lover quotations! You're making these quotations up!''

And with good reason.

(Thanks to many people, but first, fivver, who adds, "If I were a patient in this place, I'd get a Rottweiler.")

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

THIS JUST IN FROM BURNLEY

Brian the hamster is safe. Also pregnant.

UPDATE ON WORLD'S LARGEST PUBLIC TOILET

"People can listen to gentle music and watch TV," said Lu Xiaoqing, an official with the Yangrenjie, or "Foreigners Street," tourist area where the bathroom is located. "After they use the bathroom they will be very, very happy."

In Other Toilet News:

-- A celebrity named "Fearne Cotton" is very fortunate that she was not shot into the thigh, because according to this article she barged into a celebrity toilet containing celebrity Kiefer Sutherland.

--  Meanwhile in Florida, we have a heartwarming story of neighbors settling their differences in a mature fashion.

ADVISORY TO EMPLOYERS OF MAIDS

Get your own water.

(Thanks to NickyMouse)

THEY'RE BAAAACK...

(Thanks to Siouxie)

SUDDENLY, MANY GERMAN GUYS...

...are purchasing their petrol in Doemitz.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

JUST WHAT WE NEED, PART II

(Thanks to Alison McQuade)

GIVE IT UP

...for the Lovemaking Hedgehogs.

(Thanks to Juggler of Geese)

THE NEXT DAY, HE BOUGHT $78,000 WORTH OF ASPIRIN

(Thanks to Mr. Completely)

OF COURSE IT'S AN ART PROJECT

You are so smart to have figured that out, and such a fox!

(Thanks to DavCat)

FLORIDA

Where rocket scientists abound.

(Thanks to Kevin Meerschaert)

HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Joe Corey)

RETURN RECEIPT REQUESTED

It's a small thing, but it's like a chigger. You know? Chiggers. They burrow under your skin¹ and itch and burn and when you were a kid you scratched 'em til they bled 'cause they just drove you NUTS.

"Return Receipt Requested" is the chigger of the s.b.'s online world.

"Hi there! I don't trust you! My name is John. I'd like to talk to you about this item of interest to us both, but I don't trust you to behave like an adult human being and reply if you are interested. And oh yes, if you don't reply, I'm going to badger you about it, and if, once I finally reach you, you try to tell me you didn't see my email, I'll triumphantly crow, 'But I've got proof that you opened it on July 19, 2007!' Have I mentioned that I think you're a lying slob? But let's do business. Better yet, let me ask this favor of you, you cheating, lying (until-proven-otherwise) scum. Thanks so much!"

Please, don't anybody say, "Someone needs to get a life." We are busy scratching.

----------------

¹UPDATE: Okay, they don't burrow under the skin. From Wikipedia: "Contrary to popular belief, the larvae do not burrow deep into the skin and live there. Rather, the larvae pierce the skin and inject powerful enzymes that digest cellular contents, which become liquified and are consumed by the larvae."
We feel much better.

LEARN-SOMETHING-NEW-EVERY-DAY POST OF THE DAY

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

This blog has learned that Donald Trump has a new book coming out this fall. The title -- really -- is THINK BIG AND KICK ASS... IN BUSINESS AND IN LIFE.

That's what we need, in life: More people kicking ass.

PERHAPS THESE ANGELS LIVE INSIDE THE EARTH

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MOST FASCINATING SCIENCE STORY OF THE DAY SO FAR

The headline to this article in Pravda states, "Another human civilization  may live inside Earth's hollows." This assertion is fully supported by the article, except the part about humans living inside the Earth, which according to the article is actually not hollow.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

WISCONSIN

Land of Excitement

(Thanks to Siouxie)

GAMING

It's serious.

(Thanks to Mr. Completely)

SOCCER MOM OF THE WEEK

(Thanks to Arctic Al)

A FLORIDA DRIVER LICENSE

...in an asbestos wrapper is on its way to this guy.

(Thanks to Alison Hayes)

CLASSY

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IS THERE A PROBLEM, OFFICER?

Plane Lands on Busy Highway

EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

...and a good name for a rock band: The Pond Squats!

(Also thanks to Siouxie)

BRITISH MEN HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

In the past year alone, this blog spent at least two years waiting while Mrs. Blog shopped.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

"BUT HONEY, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A LAWN."

Tennessee men suddenly develop an intense interest in professional lawn care.

(Thanks to many people)

NOW HERE'S A SHOCKER

(Thanks to tweetywill, who asks, "Who didn't see this coming?")

BECAUSE IT'S THERE

Key Quote: A helicopter will also be used to empty the toilets on a daily basis at peak times for visitors.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

WHEN TURKEYS ARE OUTLAWED

...only roommates will have turkeys.

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

UGH

O-Rama

("Thanks" to DavCat)

ATTENTION, SOUTH FLORIDA GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS

Here's a tip from your colleagues in Pennsylvania.

(Thanks to Janice)

CUTE STORY WE ARE FORCED TO BLOG BECAUSE EVERYONE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE HAS SENT IT IN OF THE WEEK SO FAR

24

In last week's episode as conceived of by The Amazing Episode-Conceiving Steve, Jack Bauer traveled backward in time to 1968 and found himself in an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies. He ended up clinging to an armored car that went into a mysterious tunnel and wound up on a dirt road. Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.

WILDERNESS UPDATE

While whitewater rafting in Idaho today, our party encountered a dangerous grizzly bear. Fortunately, as a veteran outdoorsperson I was able to defeat the bear by grasping it firmly in a sensitive area.

FROM THE CHRONICLE OF HIGHER EDUCATION

Medieval Farting

(Thanks to Joe Hicks)

FOX TV EXECS: DUMB, OR JUST STUPID?

We report, you decide.

(Thanks to FunnieGrrl)

STUPID CRIMINAL SAYS "WHAT?"

(Thanks to Kristina L.)

What?

BLOGGING

Sometimes it's just too easy.

(Thanks, once more, to DavCat)

NO NUDITY YET

But this item does mention a "large, protruding siphon" and include the lyrics "squirt it out, swivel all about, let it all hang out."

(Thanks to Christin Russell)

CRIMINAL ACTIVITY OF THE DAY

French kissing

(Thanks to SW)

GIVE IT UP FOR...

The Ungrateful Rodents

(Thanks again to DavCat)

SOON TO BE A SEVEN-BOOK SERIES

The Showerhead Chronicles

(Thanks to DavCat)

CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS

They just keep comin'...

(Thanks to ArcticAl)

PET HERO OF THE DECADE SO FAR

(Thanks to Gwangi)