Dave Barry's Blog

IDAHO CRAPCAM PHOTO UPDATE

In parts of Idaho, it's still the Sixties.

Call us immature, but this sign amused us.

SQUIRREL TERRORISTS

They are getting brazen.

(Thanks to Tyler Adams)

SPEAKING OF SPIDERS...

Yikes.

(Thanks to somebody but I don't know who but maybe judi will know and put the name here: Siouxie)

UPDATE (thanks to Jeff Meyerson): What the HELL is going on?

WHY WE APPRECIATE GUYS

Guys will do anything to have sex keep the species going. Take the guy jumping spider. Look what he goes through to get the female to mate with him. He's working so hard that I almost want to have sex with him, and the female just sits there, probably thinking about shoes.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

VEGANS

They're not just for breakfast any more.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

NEIGHBOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Baron von Klyff)

DISGUSTING ANCIENT THING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

It's an ear scoop and a toothpick.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

PACK YOUR BAGS!

We're going to Niota.

(Thanks to funniegirl)

THE RECEPTION IS TERRIBLE....

...but it smells great.

THIS JUST IN

24

In last week's episode from the mind of The Amazing Steve, Jack Bauer ended up in an episode of Green Acres, during which Arnold the pig disabled a terrorist bomb. Edgar is still dead. We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.

CREEPING FASCISM

Now they want to take away a man's God-given constitutional human right to tackle a giant sausage.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

POPULAR GAL

(Thanks to queensbee)

SUMMER CAMP IN RUSSIA

They're not making lanyards.

(Thanks to BillyJoeJimBob)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

The Lake-Eating Monster

(Thanks to Eleanor)

IDAHO UPDATE

Anybody can raft down a river. But it takes a very special breed of outdoorsperson to paddle up Clear Creek.

HOW'S IDAHO, SIR?

We here in Miami have solved many problems and are ready for a relaxing afternoon at the beach.

HOLD ON JUST A SECOND

Anyone who believes this guy didn't know what he was asking for, please report to the Reality Fairy for an update.

(Thanks to many people, but Randy Hale first)

BULLETIN BULLETIN UNSULLIED BULLETIN

(Thanks to DavCat)

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY, NOT TO MENTION ROMANTIC GIFT ITEM, STORY OF THE DAY

(Thanks to many people who are not sorting panda poop for a living)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

The Sting¹

(Thanks to DavCat)

¹Sorry.

TALK ABOUT YOUR CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Somebody stole the clock!

(Thanks to Siouxie)

PEOPLE OF COLLINSVILLE, ILL.

Hold your heads high.

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

"MONSTER DUMPLING" WOULD BE A GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

A businessman who said a dead relative told him in a dream to cook the world's largest pierogi believes he and a friend did just that Saturday at Pierogi Fest.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ON THE OTHER HAND

A little wind can be a good thing.

(Thanks to annette gaudreau)

ATTENTION, NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER

We have a suggestion.

(Thanks to SharonCville)

MAINE

A Festival of Wildlife

IDAHO UPDATE

There's a horse farm near us, and every morning the horses hold a meeting. They all gather in one spot on the pasture and form a circle, heads facing in, and they stay that way for a long time. I assume they're going over the day's schedule. ("OK, we're going to eat, poop, and swish our tails. Everybody got that?" "Wait, what was number two again?")

ALL HUMANITY REJOICES

TERRORISM UPDATE

Tired of this? There is a solution.

IDAHO UPDATE

Our car almost hit a deer last night. We were driving along a rural road and suddenly YIKES this deer, who had apparently been waiting in the dark for a car to come along, leaped in front of us, forcing me to slam on the brakes and barely avoid making the weewee of  startlement. Why do deer do this? Do they enjoy it? Do they give each other high hooves and go, "Good one, Bob! They will have to clean the seats for sure!"?

Maybe we need some kind of federal program to keep them occupied, such as midnight deer basketball.

ADVISORY TO MEMPHIS GOLFERS

Keep an eye out for Fluffy.

WANT A FREE DINNER?

Carry a frog.

WHY THE INTERNET IS IMPORTANT

It connects people with common interests.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

Update: Apparently this item was already posted by judi, who will be tracked down, re-hired, and re-fired for this transgression. I'm afraid this will continue to happen until judi has the basic human courtesy to, before she posts an item, travel forward in time to make sure that I will not be posting that item at some point in the future. Is that so much to ask?

CREEPING FASCISM IN TENNESSEE

Now they have taken away a human's fundamental human right to wear a G-string on a prison visit.

(Thanks to Rob White)

Dave,
Just got back from Disney World.
Did not see even a common housefly.
There are thousands of people.
Many walking while eating giant turkey legs.
Condiment stands, out in the open, everywhere.
Not one insect.
Of any kind.
It's Florida.
It's July. (was)
Did not see one stinking bug in the buggiest state in the Union.
Asked a food-stand employee.
Her straight-faced reply, "Just part of the 'Disney Magic'!"
It was either write to you or notify Agents Mulder and Sculley.
I couldn't find their email addresses.
Thanks,
Ted K Brown

There's actually a simple explanation for this phenomenon: They keep Disney World very, very clean. That's all there is to it! (Except for the atomic radiation, but that's perfectly harmless, as long as you never get within a five-mile radius of Cinderella's castle.)

POODLE-RELATED CRIME OF THE MONTH SO FAR

(Thanks to Ted Bangs, who sent it via snailmail)

LEARN-SOMETHING-NEW-EVERY-DAY POST OF THE DAY

Large cars lived 20,000-40,000 years ago.

(Thanks to chris weakley)

THIS OLD MAN, HE TOOK FIVE

With a knick knack paddywhack
Give a dog a bad name...

(Thanks to annette gaudreau)

HARRY-POTTER-RELATED QUESTION OF THE DAY

Last Friday night when the s.b. and her son were off to a major chain bookstore (instead of Books and Books because we live in Broward but don't tell Mitch) to get our Harry Potter Book 7s, said son decided to stop for a dark chocolate shake at a local restaurant, which we shall call Snake N Snape.

The teenager at the drive-thru asked him, without preamble, "Do you have ketchup at home?"

Now, he had ordered a shake. Just a shake. But he dutifully answered, "Yes."

The s.b., being the nosy type, leaned over and said, "Why do you want to know?"

And the girl replied, "This woman was just here and she asked for a lot of ketchup 'cause she said she doesn't have any at home. So I gave her a whole big bottle, and she took it! Just took it and drove away. That's so ghetto! I didn't think she was going to take it! It's so ghetto!"

To which the s.b. replied, "Well, I have ketchup at home but if you'd offered me a whole bottle of it for free, I'd've taken it too. I mean, why not? It's free ketchup."

And she said, "That's so ghetto!"

The question: What else would this work with?

SOON TO BE A NEW DRAMATIC SERIES STARRING DENNIS FRANZ AND FORMER CHILD RICKY SCHRODER

Leominster PD Blue

(Thanks to Mike Zlotnick)

THE INTERNET

Bringing busy people together.

(Thanks to Ted, who did not explain what he was looking for when he found it.)

IDAHO UPDATE

Blogging from me will be light today, as I will be out exploring nature. There is a huge amount of nature here. Sometimes it gets into the house. We've heard there is a moose in the neighborhood; so far we haven't seen it, but the neighbors have, several times. We hope it doesn't get into the house, because that would violate the rental agreement.

We have a house full of children, who have developed a keen interest in moths. They'll capture a moth, give it a name (Mo, Mo Junior, Mo Junior Junior, etc.) then take care of it, giving it food and water until it dies. Then they'll capture another moth (Mo Junior Junior Junior) and repeat the process, as the Great Circle of Moth Life continues. At this rate, there will soon be no moths left in Idaho.

We have also heard there are bears around. We have not seen one yet, but we are staying alert.

Update: I just checked, and at the moment our moth herd consists of four head of moth.

PAINESVILLE OHIO

The new Sandusky?

(Thanks to Dan Right)

UR N TRBL

(Thanks to SW)

WE NEED MORE OF THIS

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

ATTENTION ALL NORTH JERSEY UNITS

Be on the lookout for Daisy Valdivia's pool.

(Thanks to Carl Johnson)

MEANWHILE IN NAKHON SRI THAMMARAT

A Buddhist ordination ceremony goes very, very wrong.

(Thanks to Jim Gilboy, who observes: "Ouch.")

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A BURRRPPP

(Thanks to Rob White and many others)

ANOTHER UPDATE ON THE GIANT CHINESE PUBLIC TOILET

It's very... artistic. Check out the photos.

(Thanks to Afkat)