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July 30, 2007


In last week's episode from the mind of The Amazing Steve, Jack Bauer ended up in an episode of Green Acres, during which Arnold the pig disabled a terrorist bomb. Edgar is still dead. We now turn you over to The Amazing Steve.


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24 – Two Days Later – Hour 10

The following takes place between 4 am and 5 am

4:00 am – Everyone looks around. Morris says, “You know, every other time this happened, we were somewhere completely different. This looks the same, except the armored car is gone.”

Chloe points out, “So is the guy who was in that car.”

Bill interjects, “and that pig that just went by with wires in its mouth.”

Jack says, “His name was Arnold.”

Chloe says, “Well, where is Arnold now? Did he drive off with that pig?”

Jack tells her, “Arnold IS the pig. The guy’s name was ‘Eb’”.

Morris asks, “His name was ‘Eb’? What kind of name is that?”

Chloe says, “Oh, so says ‘Morris’! What kind of name is ‘Morris’? You sound like you could be in a cat food commercial!”

Morris says, “Yeah, and I’m sure there were just a million little girls named ‘Chloe’ when you were a child in school…”

Jack interrupts, “STOP IT! Both of you! We can’t just stand here.” He points down the road. “They were headed in that direction. Let’s go that way.”

4:03 am – Back at CTU, Fenster’s telephone rings. He answers it, and it’s Nadia. She asks, “Where’s that report? I asked for it hours ago!”

Fenster says, “We’re getting that information now. We’ve tracked down where they were about ten hours ago. The data will be up on the screen in a minute, and I’ll get it printed out and on your desk in a few minutes.”

Nadia says, “You know, this one better have a cover sheet. Did you get that memo?”

4:04 am – Jack, Bill, Chloe and Morris head down the dirt road. The cornfields on either side of them have given way to trees. They continue along the road while they talk.

Chloe tells Jack, “When we were in the back of that armored car, I overheard one of them talking about ‘obtaining item’. There was a box of stuff in the back with us.”

Jack asks, “What kind of ‘stuff’?”

Chloe says, “It looked completely useless to me. There were some coconut halves, a baseball, and a glass dome with an old-fashioned stock ticker. It didn’t look like anything valuable, that’s for sure.”

Morris says, “I just had a terrible thought. What…. What if we’re chasing after garage sale addicts?”

Bill rolls his eyes, “Garage sale addicts don’t break into people’s homes to steal documents out of a safe. Garage sale addicts don’t shoot at you. Garage sale addicts don’t wire cars with explosives.”

Morris says, “You just don’t go to the kind of garage sales that I do….”

4:06 am - Jack asks Chloe, “Did they say anything else?”

Chloe says, “They seemed pretty shaken up about what happened in Miami. The guy in charge was upset that they couldn’t get the item they were looking for. That was the guy you thought was ‘Darth Vader’. I still can’t believe you thought it was ‘Darth Vader’”. She shakes her head.

They continue to walk in silence until Bill points at something in the distance. “Hey! There are some people over there!”

They look over. A man and young boy are fishing at the side of a lake some distance away from the road. The young boy throws a rock into the water.

Jack says, “Let’s just keep going.”

4:09 am – Fenster comes into Nadia’s office at CTU and puts a pile of papers on her desk. He says, “Intelligence indicates that a movie theater exploded in the last known vicinity of Jack. We have reason to believe he was having dinner with Chloe, Morris and Bill.”

Nadia looks at him, exasperated. “’Intelligence indicates’? ‘We have reason to believe…’? Quit the mumbo-jumbo, and tell me where you found this out.”

Fenster looks down at his shoes. “…..Internet news sites….”

Nadia slams her fist on the table. Then she lifts it up, shakes it a few times and says, “Ow!” She remembers that Fenster is standing there in front of her. She points at him, “Now look! You’ve had hours to find out what’s happened to Jack. Now all we know is that Chloe, Morris and Bill were with him. I want you to go back out there and find out what happened….without resorting to news stories on the Internet! You know what kind of people are out there! The next thing you’ll be telling me is that you’re looking for information on blogs!”

Fenster says, “Well, as a matter of…”

Nadia yells, “OUT!”

4:12 am -A van with a group of people dressed in black pulls away from a country gas station. One of them still has a black mask on, and is giving orders to head into town. The disguised voice sounds electronic, “I don’t want any screw ups! We’ve got to handle this just the right way!”


4:17 am - Jack, Chloe, Morris and Bill continue to walk down the dirt road. Morris asks, “Why would they be taking things like that? It’s not like the things they’re taking are valuable. It’s not like they would know where they would be….”

Bill says, “Unless…”

Jack says, “Unless… what? What’s with the dramatic pauses?”

Bill says, “Well, they’re dramatic! I’ve hardly said a thing for the last nine hours, and now that I finally have something to say, I wanted to be dramatic!”

Chloe mutters, “This better be good…”

Bill continues, “What if those items really are valuable. What if the people we are chasing know exactly what they’re looking for, and where they’ll be able to find it?”

Morris looks unconvinced, “Oh, come on! How is a baseball valuable? An antique stock ticker? They stole coconuts for crying out loud! That’s completely unbelievable!”

Chloe says, “Oh, and hopping around from place to place, is believable? We hop from Miami to the middle of ….wherever this is, and that’s believable?”

Morris thinks about this for a moment. “Well, you do have a point about that.”

Jack says, “I’m not sure if Bill’s right or not, but it’s the only thing we really have to go on right now. Let’s keep going.”

4:21 am - The van pulls up outside of a barber shop, which is right next to a court house. Outside of the barber shop, a woman is talking to a deputy. Two men get out of the van and go into the barbershop as a customer is leaving.

The man says, “Oh, hi Barney! Thelma Lou! Did you hear? There are some real rock and roll musicians staying at the boarding house! They’re from England!”

Thelma Lou says, “Hello, Howard! That’s very interesting! Have you talked to them?”

Howard says, “Oh no, I haven’t.” He lowers his voice, “I think they’re HIPPIES! They have long hair and everything!”

Barney says, “Maybe I should go over and…”

Thelma Lou says, “Now, Barney! They’re not hurting anyone. Just leave them alone.” She turns to Howard, “I was just telling Barney how delighted the children are that Barney is helping out with the school play!”

Barney sniffs, hikes up his belt, and says “Well, you know, Thelma Lou, I was going to be an actor before I dedicated my life to law enforcement. There was a lot of interest in me, let me tell you!”

Thelma Lou says, “Really? Barney, I had no idea!”

Barney replies, “Yes, indeed! I was this close to being in the ads in the back of those comic books.”

Howard says, “I remember that! It was for those Charles Atlas ads where the bully on the beach kicks sand in the face of that little guy.”

4:24 am - Barney gets agitated, “Now, now…never you mind about that! Thelma Lou, when do I pick up my costume?”

Thelma Lou says, “They’re just about finished with it. They were just deciding on a color.”

Barney looks surprised, “A color? Dinosaurs are green! Everyone knows that! How am I going to look if I’m not green?”

Thelma Lou says, “Now, Barney, they ran out of green painting the rest of the set. They’re going to paint your costume purple.”

Now Barney is REALLY agitated. “Purple? PURPLE? Who ever heard of such a thing?”

Howard says, “You never know, Barney. I think it’ll be quite popular with the children.”


4:29 am - Jack, Chloe, Morris and Bill finally reach a service station. Jack asks, “We’re trying to get to the nearest town so we can rent a car.”

The man looks confused about this, “Rent a car? I don’t know about that, but the town is just up the road a piece. Just keep going, you can’t miss it.”

Chloe holds up a bottle. “This soft drink costs fifteen cents!”

The man looks ashamed, “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. We had to raise our prices, on account of the prices went up in Mount Pilot. That’s where we get ‘em from.”

Jack says, “Never mind that, Chloe. We have to get to town to see if we can track those guys down.”

The man asks, “What guys are you talking about?”

Jack replies, “We’re from the federal government. The men we’re after are wanted criminals. They are dressed in black….”

The man says, “Shazam! Them fellers just drove out of here a little while ago! They asked directions to town too!”

Jack says, “That’s them! Now this is really important! We need to get to town as quickly as possible! Do you have truck we can borrow?”

4:34 am - Inside of the barber shop, the two men are talking to the barber. One man is tall, and the other is short and bald.

The tall man says, “So, do you a lot of business? Maybe you should …. Buy some ‘advertising’ from us…”

Floyd says, “Wha? Ooo! Hmm! Never had to do advertising before. Been mostly word of mouth.”

The bald man says, “Yeah, we’d be pretty happy to make sure that nothing happened to this place. You can’t let word get around that someone bad happened…”

Floyd says, “Advertising that would…. Hmmm? What? What did you just say?”

“I said, you better make sure that nothing happens to this place, you know…. Like THIS!”

Both men pull cans out of their bags and start throwing paint all over Floyd’s barbershop…and on Floyd!

The tall man steps forward in a very threatening way, “Listen old man, you’re going to have to start to pay us right now!”

4:38 am - Barney happens to look into the window while this is happening, and rushes into the barber shop.


4:44 am - The gas station attendant drives a pickup truck into town, and stops in front of the court house. Jack and Chloe get out of the front of the truck, and Bill and Morris get out of the back of the truck. The English musicians from the boarding house are walking along, looking at the stores, unaware that anything has happened.

The attendant says, “We should stop here and get Sheriff Taylor!” A police car drives up right behind the pickup truck and stops. The attendant points, and says, “There he is now!”

Sheriff Taylor and a young boy get out of the car. Sheriff Taylor says, “Gomer! What’s the matter? Who are all these people?”

Gomer says, “Andy! These people said they’re with the federal government. They’re after dangerous criminals!”

Andy looks alarmed and turns to the little boy. “Opie, I want you to go home to Aunt Bea. I have to take care of something. Run along, now.”

Opie replies, “Yes, Pa.” He turns to Jack, “Good luck finding those criminals!” Opie leaves.

Jack says, “Sheriff Taylor, I’m Jack Bauer with CTU Los Angeles, we’re on the trail of….”

4:49 am - Barney walks out of the courthouse, and looks entirely smug with himself. “Now, now! I’ve got the situation completely under control.”

Andy says, “Now wait a minute! What situation? What’s this all about?”

Barney says, “Well, you see Andy, I was out in front of Floyd’s Barber Shop talking to Thelma Lou when these two guys drive up in that delivery van over there….”

Andy looks in the direction Barney is pointing. “What delivery van?”

Barney looks over, sees the delivery van isn’t there anymore, and does a double-take. His voice goes at least an octave higher when he says, “But it was just right there!”

4:51 am - Barney runs down to Floyd’s shop, and everyone follows. He yells, “Floyd!” Floyd comes out of the shop. “Floyd! What happened? Where’s that delivery truck?”

Floyd comes out of the barbershop. He’s completely covered with pink paint. The musicians walk right up to Floyd just has he comes out of his barbershop. Floyd is completely covered in pink paint. One of them says, “You know, that would be a good name for a rock band!” They cross the street.

Barney says, “Floyd! Where’s that delivery truck?”

Floyd says, “Hmm? Wha…. Delivery truck? What del… Hmmm? I don’t know. It was here a minute ago.”

Barney looks concerned, “Andy, you have to believe me. Their van was right here!”

Andy says, “Calm down, calm down. Whose van are you talking about?”

Barney says, “Those two men I arrested! They were trying to force Floyd to pay them money! They threw paint all over the barbershop!” He leans close to Andy, “They thought they’d come into a small town and push people around! Little did they know they’d have Barney Fife to deal with!”

Andy says, “Now, Barn…. Calm down.”

Jack asks, “Where are these men?”

Barney says, “What? Oh! I have them locked up! Come on! He runs back into the courthouse.”

4:54 am - Everyone follows. Inside the courthouse, Barney triumphantly points at the two men in the jail cell. “YOU SEE?”

A man in an adjacent cell says, “Hey, Andy….”

Andy says, “Hey, Otis.” Andy turns back to Barney, “Now I want you to explain what happened. Exactly what happened?”

Otis tries to interrupt again, “Andy….”

Andy says, “Otis, not now… we’re trying to….”

There’s loud explosion. The back of the wall to Otis’ jail cell caves in, and Otis is knocked to the floor. Several men dressed in black with masks over their heads look into the cell as the smoke is clearing. One of them slaps another in the back of the head and says, “You got the wrong one!”

Barney hastily pulls out his gun. Jack yells, “Get those guys! Here I need this!” Jack takes the gun out of Barney’s hand and says, “Follow me!” Everyone heads out of the courthouse and start to run around to the back. There’s another explosion. The group reaches the back of the courthouse, and sees that another large hole has been made, this time in the back of the other jail cell. There’s no one inside of it.

4:57 am - They all stand there dumbfounded for a moment until Andy says, “Otis!” He runs into the other jail cell and turns Otis over. Otis starts to wake up. Everyone else comes in to see if Otis is OK. Andy asks, “Otis! Are you alright?”

Otis blinks awake. “Andy! What happened?”

Andy says, “You just rest here.”

Otis says, “I remember! I was trying to tell you! One of those two guys grabbed something off of your desk when Barney brought them in!”

Chloe says, “They got something else!”

Barney says, “You mean they staged all that, just to get into the courthouse??”

4:58 am - There’s loud squeal of tires somewhere outside. Jack says, “The terrorists!”

Jack runs down the alley, and sees the delivery van doing a U-turn, heading back in his direction. He points the gun right at the driver as the car comes driving right at him! Jack pulls the trigger! CLICK! Nothing happens! CLICK! CLICK! Nothing happens two more times! Jack dives out of the way just in time.

4:59 am - There’s a bright flash.

Chloe, Morris and Bill are standing on a beach. There’s no sign of Jack.

5:00 am - Time’s up!

WHOO!!! First after Steve!! I'll read and be back momentarily....

Dave - the links to Arnold and Edgar aren't working.... But I get the point anyway. :-)

*Waves at Dave!*

Hawaii Five 0?? Magnum PI?? Baywatch?? ohhh the suspense!!

Brilliant as always Steve!

OH, GOOD LORD!!! This is the kind of script/story melding I LIVE for!!!! Barney "The Dinosaur" Fife...how excellent!!!

Lovely cameo by Pink Floyd! (Didn't they get the paint on "The Wall," too? *snicker*)

Also at 4:54 when Jack took Barney's gun I was waiting for him to fire it, cuz DUH! He forgot to take Barney's bullet out of his pocket!!


Oooh, Siouxie - Hawaii 5-0. Good choice!!

Well, the beach scenarios have been covered I think. I didn't even get the Pink Floyd reference dangit. Didn't like their music that much to be honest. The point being this thing is getting better and better each time out. Good work Steve!

He just rocks the party that rocks the pinata! Did I say that right, Rick?

And hey - you got your IM ears up?

Might hop on for a moment Diva. Plan on going to bed early due to road improvements being performed on my route to work.

Sheesh. We have that crap up here, too.


"Summertiiiiiiime, and the drivin' ain't eeeeeeeasy.
Crews are jumpin', and gasoline's high.
Oh, you gotta be riiiiich so the roads can be fiiiixed
So hush, licensed driver, buck up and pay!

* Morris says, “I just had a terrible thought. What…. What if we’re chasing after garage sale addicts?” *

Perfect Morris response to the situation. Probably the best character 24 has created since Chloe. They need to turn those two loose next season.

Hm. That might be interesting to watch. :)

'Scuse the delay, I was flushing snorked Pepsi out of my keyboard. It was that Pink Floyd reference that did it, coming as it did on the heels of Barney's purple dinosaur costume...


...Drat! Not again! Next time I must remember to move all soft drinks out of reach while reading a Steve "24" parody...

And oh yeah, you've got to watch those garage sale obsessives. Some of those old ladies can be downright mean.

OOhhh, I hope it's Hawaii 5-0. And Jack says, Book 'em, Dano, and then the *other* Jack says, Hey, that's my line!

I miss Nadia.

Heh, El. Love it!

Oh, Wes - the Pink Floyd thing was my little favorite, too! My bff-in-high-school's father was named Floyd, so we dubbed him "Purple Floyd, The Door." :-) We were stunted socially.

Wow... Amazing, Steve - really!!

AWESOME, Steve! now I can get to bed!

Please...no Pamela Anderson or the Hoff...any OTHER beach will do. Even the "LOST" beach is better. ;-)


Couldn't wait to get home to see what happened next-
hahahahhahahaahahaahaahhahahahhhaahhahhahahaha at Pink Floyd and Barney the dinosaur! The salt-and-pepper suit didn't make it into the script, but you knocked it out of the park again!

I can't wait to see what happens next time!! Will they jump the shark? Magnum PI? Maybe Cocoa Beach and I Dream of Genie? Fantasy Island? I'm all aquiver with excitement and antici...


Don't mind me- I'm just doing my Tim Curry impression.

Well, I'm all tuckered out and hafta get up early- gunite!!

**SNORK** @ ddd's homage to TRHPS!!! Love it.

Gunite, ddd. Sleep well!

Green Acres is the place for me
Or in Mayberry, RFD
Jack, Chloe, Morris and ol’ Bill
Bad Chinese guys; Steve gives us our Monday thrill.

Who knows just where our gang will land?
Could be Hawaii; it has sand
I just adore Magnum, PI
Please, Jack, I love you, but don’t shoot Tom Selleck’s thigh

The guns!
The puns!
What year?
Oh dear!

Steve, you're just great
Next week? I can’t wait!
24, we’ll be here!

Hi, Ducky!! Still rainin'? How's the BR window?

Hi, Diva! NO RAIN today! Yippee! And the br window is firmly closed. How are you today?

Wish I could stay awhile, but it's time to flap off to bed. See you tomorrow, I hope!

Sweet dreams!

This is almost as good as madlibs ;)

Hey all: Jon Cassar Interview sent to me via the 2GuysTalking: 24 Podcast:



2 Guys link

Belated goodnight, Ducky!!

Mornin' all!

*starts blog coffeemaker*

*pour cup, sips*


Hate to blog and run but I gotta go!!

*grabs coffee and yelps when it spills down side and burns hand. Declines to sue when the pants-judge comes chasing with papers to sue fud for 1)making coffee hot, 2)the cup manufacturer for failing to notify that there is a large hole in the top out of which hot liquids may come to splash out and 3) recommendations that they not put a hole int he cup, which is obviously dangerous.*


*Jumps and grabs superfluous preposition "out" from above post before anyone notices*

Gilligan's Island! YES!

Leetie!!! I miss your head!

Well well, all the pretty girls are out this morn (OK, not ALL)...how ya'll doin'? Two fine representatives from the northeast, and the lovely ddd from the South (notice "South" is capitalized, as it should be) Hope all are well.

Punkin', none of the blog guys could get away with that comment.

And should never try... :)

I'm back! Looks like y'all did a fine job of keeping the blog up and running in my absence. Hope everyone had a good weekend and a Happy Monday. Let the countdown to Friday beging in 3, 2, 1.....

No, not that wacky island again!!

Thanks everyone!

Just Ducky, that was great!

Leetie: They've been to see Gilligan, take a look when you get a chance! :-)

Good mornin'!!

caseeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! how was the beach??? any HOT guys???

*representing the good lookin' wimmin here in the South-Caribbean*

Siouxie, I cant believe you asked me that. Why would I be looking at guys? I don't do that..I'm innocent I tell ya!

My friend and I were driving around in her golf cart and passed a house named "Southern Comfort". Lo and Behold, there was a half nekkid yummy speciman of the male type species, practicing his ropin' skills on a stationary steer (don't know what you call those things) My friend starts elbowing me and all I could say was "FLOOR IT FLOOR IT!!!!" I recently got burned by a cowboy and there was no way in Hades I was gonna put my foot into that again!!!! But dang, them ropin skills sure were hot!

wooooooo hooo sure sounds like it, casey!

casey AND siouxie..... *reclines on "fainting sofa"*. Am I dreaming?

Jazzzzzie, whatcha doing up & at 'em so early?


Jazzzzzzzzzzzzie!! no dream, no nightmare!

*smoochies from me too*



*waves to Punkin*

*scoots back to wherever it was she came from*

A beach with no Jack! Yay, Lost!


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