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July 16, 2007

24

At the end of last week's episode as broadcast to Earth from the Planet Amazing Steve, Jack Bauer had landed in a swimming pool after being thrown from the belfry of the Addams Family house by -- Why not? -- Darth Vader.

Edgar is still dead.

We now turn you over to the amazing brain of The Amazing Steve.

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Ah....You all thought it was Darth Vadar....but it wasn't.... Who exactly is behind that hooded mask...?


24 – Two Days Later – Hour 8

The following takes place between 2 am and 3 am

2:00 am – Things are relatively quite at CTU, with a few of the night crew working on the computers. Nadia walks over to one of the analysts. “I'd like to see the report that Jack Bauer sent in at midnight.”

The analyst looks surprised. “I thought he sent that directly to your office? We didn't get a report from him at midnight.”

Nadia is upset. “WHAT? Fenster, you know how important it is for us to keep track of our field agents, even if they're not on assignment! When you didn't get that report, you should have reported it to me?”

Fenster says, “You wanted me to report a report that hadn't been reported? Report an unreported report??”

Nadia says, “That's right! Now look, I don't care if you're Chloe's cousin or not! We have standards around this place about security...”

Fenster says, “Yeah, those sewers were great security”, under his breath.

Nadia doesn't hear this and continues, “...and one of them is to report missing field agents! I want a full report on why this didn't happen, and I expect it in the next 15 minutes?”

Fenster thinks about this. “Let me get this straight, you want a report on why a report on an unreported report should been reported? An unreported report report report?”

Nadia says, “Yes! It's simple!”

2:03 am – Jack is in lying down with a folded towel on his forehead and begins to wake up. He hears a woman's voice say, “It's O.K.” He looks over and sees the young blond woman who was speaking to him.. She says, “The doctor is here and she'll take right good care of you!”

Jack says, “Where am...”

Another voice interrupts, and says, “Elly May, quiet down! I have some doctorin' to do, and I can't do it with that mouth of yours going! Now roll over, I have to check your gizzard!”

That snaps Jack out of his stupor and realizes he's lying on lounge chair on a patio next to a swimming pool in the backyard of a very large mansion. He sees a short old woman with a large hypodermic needle in her hand. He jumps up and says, “Hey! Wait a minute! Get away from me with that thing! You don't look like a doctor to me!”

2:04 am - The old woman says, “You hush now! I'm an M.D. - Mountain Doctor!”

A man comes out of the mansion. He's wearing old, tattered clothes and a hat. “Well doggies! No one told me we had company!”

Elly May says, “He's mine, Pa! He fell out of the sky and I found him in the see-ment pond fair and square! Granny was just fixin' to check him over to be sure he was O.K.”

The man says, “Now, Elly, you can't keep him! He's a grown man!”

Granny interrupts, “Jed, you know Elly Mae has been getting on in years! She's 19 years old and practically an old maid!”

2:06 am – Jack says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa....”

Elly Mae says, “See? He likes horses too!”

Jack says, “Wait a minute... nobody said anything about getting married. I'm just looking for my friends! Have you seen them?”

Jed, Elly and Granny all look at each other and shrug. Jed walks over to the edge of the swimming pool. “Nope. Nobody in here.”

Jack asks, “Where am I? What town is this?”

Granny says, “Why, you're in Beverly Hills!” She turns to Jed, “See, Jed? The boy is hurt! Just let me look at his gizzard...”

Jack says, “Beverly Hills? Do you have a car? I need to get to downtown Los Angeles to CTU!”

2:08 am – Back at CTU, Fenster brings the unreported report report report to Nadia and drops it on her desk.. He says, “I can't raise Bauer on the phone. I even tried calling Chloe and Morris. They must have their phones turned off, because the calls went straight to voice mail.”

Nadia looks up. “That could mean anything. I want you to keep trying to get in touch with Jack.”

Fenster leaves.

Commercial

2:13 am – Elly May, who is surprisingly strong for someone so small, helps Jack through the house. A door bell rings. Jed, Granny and Elly all look around. Jed says, “There are those bells again! We always hear those bells right before someone knocks on the front door.” Someone knocks on the front door. Jed says, “See there?”

A woman opens the door while knocking, and says, “Hello? Mr. Clampett? Mr. Clampett? I need to speak with you.”

Jed says, “Miss Jane! Did you hear the bells?”

Jane says, “Bells? What bells?” She sees Jack, and straightens herself up. “I'd like to ring your bell!”
Jack looks completely revolted.

Jed says, “Come on, Elly. We have to get him out to the truck.”

2:15 am – Just as Elly helps Jack through the front door, a junky-looking truck pulls up. It's being driven by a tall muscular man. He gets out of the truck. He's wearing jeans with a rope belt and a jacket. His clothes appear just slightly too small for him. Elly says, “Jethro, you take mighty good care of him! He fell into the see-ment pond, and I'm fixin' to marry him!”

Jethro doesn't look like he believes this. “You ain't marryin' nobody.”

This makes Elly May mad. “You take that back!”

Jethro says, “Make me!”

Elly May drops her hold on Jack, who staggers. She starts running after Jethro. They chase each other around the truck.

Jed comes out of the house. “Youngins…. Hey now! Stop it, you two!”

Elly May stops chasing after Jethro, and helps Jack get into the truck.

Jed says, “Now take this man where he needs to go.”

Elly May tells Jethro, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?”

2:18 am – Jethro drives to the gates of the estate, and pulls out onto the road. Jack tells Jethro he’ll give the directions to where he’s going when they get closer. Jethro tells Jack he plans on being a brain surgeon one day soon, and figures that he’s half-way there because he’s already graduated 6th grade.

Jack doesn’t have much to say about that. He decides to switch the subject. “How many horsepower does this truck have?”

Jethro laughs and says, “Elly must have hit you in the head good or somethin’… This here’s an AH-TOE-MOE-BEEL. It ain’t got no horses!”

Jack sighs, “I really miss Curtis.”

2:20 am – As they drive further down the road, Jack realizes that everyone’s honking at them, probably for driving so slowly and driving such a huge truck that is so hard to see around. Jethro seems perplexed about the whole situation, and says, “Why do they keep honkin’ like that? They ain’t got a rockin’ chair…”

Now it’s Jack’s turn to be confused. “What do you mean, ‘They ain’t got a rockin’ chair’?”

Jethro says, “I mean, ‘They ain’t got a rockin’ chair’! When we’re all riding in this truck, Granny sits up on the rocking chair up at the top there. She makes me honk the horn to warn her when we’re about to drive under a bridge. She likes to look around a lot, and after three or four times of not duckin’ for the bridge, she told me I best honk the horn to warn her.”

2:22 am – As they approach the destination, Jack gives directions on which streets to turn on. They finally arrive at CTU…. Only it’s not CTU. It’s an empty parking lot!

Commercial

2:27 am – Jack stands in the lot and turns around several times. Jethro mumbles, “I see why Elly May likes this guy so much. He’s turnin’ around like a dog fixin’ to sit down!”

Jack continues to look around in disbelief. “It’s gone! It’s all gone! There aren’t even any sewers here to break into!” Jack suddenly stops, realizing his mistake. He asks Jethro, “Quick, what year is this?”

Jethro screws up his face, and looks up, as he tries to figure this out. “Naught plus 8….then, 2 plus 5… I reckon’ it’s 1968”.

2:29 am – Jack smacks his forehead, “Of course! This happened before. CTU hasn’t even been established yet.”

Jethro asks, “What’s SEE… TEA… YOU?”

Jack says, “I’m a federal officer. I’m with the Counter Terrorism Unit or CTU for short.”

Jethro replies, “Yeah, you are a short feller.” He then realizes what Jack just said and gets excited, “Federal Officer? You mean like a spy?”

Jack says, “Well, not exactly like a spy… but kind of like one, I guess.”

Jethro gets really animated now, “Oh boy! OH BOY! Hot dog! If being a brain surgeon wasn’t going to work out, I was going to be a double-naught spy! I can be your assistant!”

Jack tells Jethro they have to head back to the Mansion to figure something else out. He asks for the keys to the truck, and Jethro says, “Oh boy! I get to see how a real double-naught spy drives!”

2:31 am – Fenster knocks on Nadia’s office door. “I still haven’t gotten in touch with Jack. I also tried calling Bill, but his phone is going straight to voicemail too.” I called Karen at the White House, and she’s not there.

Nadia says, “Of course she’s not there! It’s 5:30 am there right now. She doesn’t live at the White House! What do you think, they have bunk beds there for the whole staff?”

Nadia looks exasperated. “Look, the CTU cell phones all have GPS tracking on them. We need to find out their last known locations. Go do it!”

2:32 am – Jack pulls the truck up to the front door of the mansion and comes to a screeching halt. The truck engine sputters, having used the very last of the gas. Jethro has a horrified look on his face. Jack snaps his fingers in from of Jethro’s face to snap him out of it. Jethro says, “I ain’t never seen someone drive this truck like that before….”

2:33 am – They enter the house, and Jethro suggests that they find his uncle Jed so they can talk things over. They head to the kitchen, and find Granny talking to another woman. Jethro says, “I’ll be right back!”

The woman says, “I just thought you should know that I’ve finally convinced Milburn to move!”

Granny says, “Finally got sick of you, did he, Mrs. Drysdale?”

Mrs. Drysdale says, “No you buffoon! He finally understands what I’ve been saying all these years! You people are lowering the property values around here! Those awful pigs and chickens! And that moonshine still is nothing but a public nuisance!”


The doorbell rings, and Granny says, “There’s that bell again. Elly May, best go back to the front door. There’ll probably be someone there soon.”

Elly May says, “Yes, Granny”. She leaves.

Mrs. Drysdale continues, “Perhaps now we can move to a more upscale neighborhood and away from riff-raff like you!”

Granny is insulted, “Riff-Raff? Why I oughta…” She pulls up her sleeves.

Jed comes in from the backyard, sees what’s about to happen, and steps between the two woman. “Now, can’t see settle this peaceful-like?”

2:36 am – Elly May comes back into the kitchen with a man dressed in a suit. Miss Jane follows them. The man is sobbing and holding his hat in his hand. Jed says, “Mr. Drysdale! It’s alright! Granny ain’t hurt no one!”

Mr. Drysdale says, “Wwwwhat? What are you talking about? I just want to know… haven’t I always been good to you?”

Jed seems a little taken aback by this. “Well, yes… I’d say you’ve been right neighborly and helpful.”

Mr. Drysdale, “Then why would you take it away? Why?” He cries some more.

Jane says, “What the Chief is trying to say is: Why are you withdrawing money from the bank?”

Jed is surprised. “Why do you reckon we’d want to do that?”

Jane explains, “We got the money transfer order this morning. It was from the Bank of China.” Mr. Drysdale sobs even more loudly.

Jed says, “China? I didn’t do that! You reckon they need some money?”

Jack says, “China? Did you say China??”

2:39 am - Jethro comes back into the room. He’s dressed in a tuxedo. A tuxedo that’s just a little too small for him, just like his other clothes. He says, “I’m ready for some double-naught spyin’!”

Jack says, “Then come with me! I think they have what I’m looking for!” Jack and Jethro leave. Elly May whistles and says, “Wait for me!” She follows them.

Mr. Drysdale wipes his eyes, “You mean… You’re not taking my money… I mean, You’re not taking your money out of my bank?”

Jed says, “Well, no, Mr. Drysdale!”

Mr. Drysdale turns to Mrs. Drysdale and says, “Go back to the house and tell the moving company to stop. We’re staying right where we are!”

Mrs. Drysdale looks so furious she can’t even talk. She stomps out of the kitchen.

Granny says, “I knew it was too good to last.”


Commercial

2:46 am – Jethro, Elly May and Jack are out by the truck trying to get it started. Jack says, “It’s out of gas! Do you have any other cars?” Jethro says that this is their only car, but they might be able to borrow Mr. Drysdale’s car next door.

Elly May snaps her fingers, and says, “Wait here! I’m getting Granny!”

2:49 am – Elly May returns with Granny, and Granny is carrying a brown jug and a shot gun. Granny says, “This is mighty powerful stuff! You have to be really careful of it!”

Jack looks at the jug. “What is that? Moonshine?”

Granny looks hurt. “It’s just medicine for my rheumatism.” Then she laughs and winks at Jack. She pours the contents of the entire jug into the tank of the truck and tells everyone to get on the truck. She jumps on too. She climbs into the rocking chair at the top of the truck. She tells Jethro, “Let it rip, Jethro!”

2: 51 am – Jethro cranks over the engine. The truck starts and immediately starts rocketing forward. Jack tells Jethro, “Don’t press so hard on the gas pedal!”

Jethro says, “I’m not pressing the gas pedal!”

2:52 am – The truck goes rocketing through the streets of Beverly Hills. They go speeding by all the rest of the traffic, not even slowing down for traffic lights. They zoom right through them. Jethro can barely control the wheel, but manages to say, “I reckon this here is what driving one of them double-naught cars is like!” Jack is too busy holding on to the truck to answer.

2:53 am – Jethro manages to control the truck well enough to drive to the bank. In the distance, they see a bunch of men loading bags into an armored car. As they approach the truck, Jack sees them closing the door to leave and sees that Bill, Chloe and Morris are tied up in the back of the armored car! That’s all Jack can see because they go driving right past it, but Granny is able to get a shotgun blast as they drive past. It goes into the side of the armored car. The truck continues down the street. Jack grabs the wheel and pulls down on it to make it do a hard U-turn, sending the truck into on-coming traffic. A few cars crash.

2:55 am - The tires of the truck screech, and the truck starts heading back towards the armored car. Jack gets up out of his seat and starts heading towards the back of the truck and towards Granny’s rocking chair. Just as they the start to pass the armored car, Jack jumps off the truck and onto the roof of the armored car! He holds onto the roof as it starts heading for the expressway.


2:57 am – The truck Jethro is trying to control is slowing down, and it finally runs out of moonshine. The truck comes to a halt. Jethro says, “That’s some double-naught spying! I could do that!”

Granny seems unconvinced because she smacks him in the back of the head.

2:58 am – The armored car heads for the expressway, and there are police cars already chasing it. Jack tries to hold on, and is barely able to as they approach a tunnel. Police cars line up at the exit to the tunnel as the armored car heads into the tunnel.

There’s a bright flash.

2:59 am – The armored car is no longer driving through a tunnel. It’s on a dirt road.

3:00 am – Time’s up!

Doh! Vader not vadar. I need to learn to spell.

Hehe! Looks like their is a visit to Hazzard County forthcoming. Excellent as always Stevie!

*removes "i" and replaces it with an "e" in there*

I am staggered by the brilliance of the AMazing STeve. So much so I have to stop typing.

GReeeeeennn Acres is the place for me!

Steve, that was so awesome, I can't wait for the next episode.

Steve, I was not...I repeat NOT going to tell you about that minor typo. The Amazement is the same.

I will go read now.

Ok, I hope nobody thought I was correcting him. I just screwed up my own typing. Seriously, thats all it was. Double Naught pinky swear and such!

LOL, Doc. I believe ya

Steve, Steve, Steve...I like your plots SO much better than the real ones!

Great job again, Steve. And *snork* at the report on the unreported report.

If they ever do decide to put together a decently written and well thought out season of 24 you might be out of business Stevie. That being said, I think your safe through 2009 at the least. *kicks dog realizing his raise is going to hire another inept hack to come up with crap for his favorite show*

For what it's worth, I was never a "24" fan, until reading your reports. Amazing, Steve! I love it!

Me neither, Sandy!

Think they're going to Petticoat Junction? Green Acres? Magnum PI? Gomer Pyle? Dukes of Hazzard? I love the Quantum Leaping!

Steve, you rock! I'm remaining loyal to you, even if the show blows!

Oh, I know who's in the Vader suit...

Hint: Jung unccrarq gb Inqre gung znqr uvz arrq gur znfx?
Bigger hint: Jung vf Inqre'f zbfg snzbhf dhbgr?

Wow... I'm amazed....

Amazed by Steve's brilliance or by the echoes of emptyness in the blog bar?

This is great! Steve, you are amazing!

gotta love those action filled episodes. Was Vader realy edgar? or tony?! or marwan? I miss marwan.

Hey, there, homeybeef!! I miss getting to be you when you were in class. :-) How's tricks?

*runs back up to read posts*

2:03 - WOOOOHOOOO!!! I was the first one who pegged it last week. Go me!!

*snork* @ "I really miss Curtis." Yeah, Jack. Me, too.

And Doc? I pegged Hazzard before I even read your comment. Let's see if we're right next week!

Another Amazing Episode!!!

And the bunk beds at the White House cracked me up. LOL!

KJP's hint and bigger hint, above, deciphered:

What happened to Vader that made him need the mask?

What is Vader's most famous quote?

Now I'll get back to stealing your identity.

Merely wonderin' if Jack will ever get to meet up with Maxwell Smart & Agent 99 ... mebbe he could gain some new ideas on how to be a Secret Agent ... eh?

(Hint, hint ... please send my royalty check ASAP, Steve ... and, another outstandin' job with this weeks "events", of course ...)

Magnum, P.I. would be awesome. But I have a feeling the the Dukes of Hazzard will work out pretty darned well, too. :-D

Interesting piece of news about next year's 24 from Jen over at the TVRoundUp Podcast and HQ:

http://24fan.blogspot.com/2007/07/scooped-world.html

Hail to the Chieftress, eh?

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