WOMEN
(Thansk to casey)
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May 24, 2007
CONIFER HIGH
"Inappropriate" is one word for it.
(Thanks to Schadeboy)
CALLING SAMUEL JACKSON
(Thanks to Doug Messer)
ISSUE OF THE DAY IN LEDBURY
Key Quote: "They absolutely love it and they are so happy to be out there. It is better than being in a tank."
WINNER, PEOPLE MOST IN NEED OF A LIFE
(Thanks to queensbee)
WHY WE LOVE FLORIDA, REASON 2,038
(Thanks to Alfredo Ortiz)
IF YOU THINK THERE'S ENOUGH EXCITEMENT IN SANDUSKY
Consider Naperville.
(Thanks to DavCat14)
WHY NOBODY TRUSTS THE NEWS MEDIA
They get everything wrong. Now they're claiming that Audrey is pregnant. Morons! Audrey's in a coma. Chloe is pregnant.
(Thanks to Siouxie)
WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL THIS BLOG THAT NOTHING EVER HAPPENS IN SANDUSKY
ART UPDATE
(Thanks to Siouxie)
SOCCER UPDATE
For a sober more objective account of the scene at Churchill's yesterday, click here.
A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON ITS WAY
...to this motorist.
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
May 23, 2007
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT
(Thanks to Siouxie)
ONE BY ONE, THEY ARE TAKING AWAY ALL OF OUR FUNDAMENTAL CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS
(Thanks to Susannah Nation)
FINAL CRAPCAM PHOTO
I am leaning against this bus for a good reason.
FINAL SOCCER UPDATE
They have excellent Harp brand beer here at Churchill's.
SOCCER UPDATE
Number 18 just scored for Liverpool. Every man here at Churchill's would be willing to have Number 18's baby.
SOCCER UPDATE
Here at Churchill's we HATE AC Milan. They are CHEATING SCUM.
But this Harp beer really is excellent.
SOCCER UPDATE
There's a British woman here at Churchill's who publishes this newspaper just for Brits living in America. Isn't that amazing? No? Well, this beer here at Churchill's sure is excellent.
PHOTO UPDATE
This exclusive CrapCam photo shows the reaction of the patrons at the bar of Churchill's at the instant that AC Milan -- which is the team the Churchill's patrons are NOT roooting for -- scored a goal on what the Churchill's patrons firmly believe was an illegal play. It's a good thing this blog does not have sound, because at the moment this picture was taken there were many bad words in the air.
PROFESSIONAL SOCCER UPDATE
Today Mrs. Blog is covering the Champions League Final soccer match between Liverpool and AC Milan, which is a very big deal if you are a soccer fan, which many people in Miami are. The match is being played in Athens, so Mrs Blog elected to cover it from Churchill's, one of Miami's great bars, which bills itself as "A Sort of English Pub." I came along to help her out and determine whether Churchill's is the sort of pub that sells beer. I am pleased to report that it is, and that at the moment it is filled with British men smoking and drinking beer and shouting at the 257 TV screens - sometimes joyfully, sometimes despairingly, but always passionately. The air is full of smoke and shouts and the aroma of fish and chips; the beer is cold; Mrs. Blog is interviewing British guys; and I am glad I married a sportswriter.
HAR
(Thanks to Liz Headland)
ADVISORY TO PARENTS
Do not let your kids see this.
(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)
THIS CALLS FOR AT LEAST A WEEK OF NATIONAL MOURNING
(Thanks to Bruce)
THE APOCALYPSE
(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)
SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE
They are destroying our way of life.
(Thanks to casey)
THIS JUST IN FROM GILMANTON
The speed-limiting cow heads have been removed.
(Thanks to Nama)
IF YOU, LIKE SO MANY MILLIONS OF OTHERS, HAVE BEEN DYING TO WATCH ME GET INTERVIEWED WHILE SITTING IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE POSITION ON A WEIRD FUTON-LIKE THING
After this interview it took several minutes before I could walk.
YIKES
May 22, 2007
ATTENTION, FORT COLLINS WOMEN
Our Colorado correspondent, Claire Martin, has sent us a report that she says is "fresh off the police scanner." The headline is:
POLICE INVESTIGATE THEFTS OF WOMEN*S UNDERWEAR
The report states that detectives from the Major Crimes Unit of Fort Collins Police Services today arrested a suspect "for the thefts of more than 1300 women's undergarments." These thefts occurred "at common laundry rooms within apartment complexes." The report further states that:
The Major Crimes Unit is providing an opportunity for victims of these thefts to come to Fort Collins Police Services and identify their items on Friday, May 25, 2007 between the hours of 10 AM and 3PM if they have had thefts from laundry rooms in the Campus West area of undergarments of all types including panties, sports bras, stretch pants, and panty hose.
ZZZZZZZZZZZ
(Thanks to Siouxie)
ART UPDATE
Here's an artist who actually has something to offer.
(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)
EVEN BETTER THAN THE BUZZ LIGHTYEAR RIDE
The Taser the Idiots Ride
(Thanks to Fred Baumann)
WHY AMERICAN TOURISTS ARE SO POPULAR
(Thanks to Pinky)
SUICIDE-SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE
(Thanks to RussellMc)
THE ART COMMUNITY: WEIRD? OR JUST RIDICULOUS?
Today's New York Times has a story about an art "installation" at the Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art that includes -- among other large art objects -- a tanker truck, a two-story house, and a movie theater. As work on the installation progressed, the museum began having trouble supplying all the items that the artist wanted, which included, according to the story, "the fuselage from a large jetliner, like a 767," which was to "be burned and bomb-damaged and then hung from the ceiling."
So now there's a big spat between the museum and the artist, Christoph Büchel, who refers to himself in correspondence with the museum as "the artist." The museum, having spent a bunch of money and time assembling all of this worthless crap these artistic items, wants to exhibit them. Büchel, who feels that his work is unfinished, does not want it exhibited. On Saturday, the museum plans to open the exhibit anyway. Now here comes the part that caught this blog's attention. The Times story states:
Because of concerns about legal action by Mr. Büchel, the museum will shield all the huge objects in the warehouse from view with tall plastic tarps.... Viewers will be allowed to wend their way through the cavernous hall but they will have to rely on their imaginations, mostly, to appreciate the show.
So, you can go to the exhibit, but you can't actually see the exhibit, because it will have tarps over it. Everybody got that? OK, now go back to whatever non-artistic thing you do to make your humdrum little living.
ADVISORY TO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
(Thanks to Siouxie)
I THINK I SAT NEXT TO THIS GUY ON A PLANE ONCE
Key Moronic Quote: "It's cold, it's fantastic, the Himalayas are everywhere,"
No kidding! I thought those were the Poconos.
(Thanks to Lairbo)
CELEBRITY GOSSIP
This blog will not be a party to it.
(Thanks to chicomathmom)
FIELD TRIP OF THE WEEK SO FAR
(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)
WHY WE LOVE THE BRITISH MEDIA
Bono tortures Britney Spears with a voodoo potato
(Yes, "Voodoo Potato" would be a good name for a rock band.)
CRAFT MATERIAL OF THE WEEK SO FAR
THERE IS NOTHING LOWER
May 21, 2007
24
Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:
1. What is the plot?
2. There are writers?
3. How much do they make?
4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending that sets us up for next season?
5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?
6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.
These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.
The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m."
Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.
Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.
UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?
UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!
UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.
UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.
UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.
UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!
UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.
UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?
UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.
UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.
UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.
UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.
UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?
UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!
UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.
UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!
UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!
UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.
UPDATE: This is sure to go well.
UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.
UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.
UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.
UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.
UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.
UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.
UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!
UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.
UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?
UPDATE: One more hour, people.
UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!
UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.
UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!
UPDATE: And that they're confederates!
UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.
UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...
UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.
UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!
UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.
UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.
UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.
UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?
UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!
UPDATE: Shooting. Good.
UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!
UPDATE: Boom! Yay!
UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!
UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.
UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.
UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.
UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.
UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.
UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?
UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.
UPDATE: Sigh.
WOMEN OF BRISBANE
You may soon start noticing that the family car is remaining remarkably clean.
(Thanks to OzGeorge, followed by many others)