Dave Barry's Blog

EXPLANATION REGARDING THE POST BELOW

I don't know what happened. This has been your explanation regarding the post below.

SARCASM UPDATE

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THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

Now they're using camels.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ADVISORY TO POST-OPERATIVE PATIENTS IN THE HOSPITAL IN OGULIN, CROATIA

Be  ready.

BEHIND THE SCENES WITH THE REMAINDERS

Here we see Steve King and Ridley Pearson getting some tips on writing from judi.

UPDATE

Just checking in here. The entire band -- 352 people, at last count -- woke up before dawn to perform on Good Morning America. We had a fine time; I don't know about the audience (if there was one). The highlight was when James McBride referred to Greg Iles, twice, as "Gary," then explained himself by pointing out that he is the only African-American in the band, and we all look the same to him.

UPDATE

This blog has arrived in New York City (or, as the locals call it, "Frisco"). There are a LOT of people here. Most likely they have gathered for the Rock Bottom Remainders concert, which is garnering massive publicity.

ADVISORY

Today this blog will be heading to New York City for the world-famous Rock Bottom Remainders Still Younger Than Keith one-city tour, which will occur Friday night at Webster Hall. Already the tour is getting a huge amount of publicity in the form of this blog entry. We will appear tomorrow on "Good Morning America," our goal being to answer the age-old question: "Is there any reason why a group of older authors with very limited musical talent can't still rock the house?" (The answer is: "Yes.")

But the point is, this blog will be on the road through the weekend, and so will judi, who will be in New York passed out helping with band logistics. So there will be nobody reading the email to the blog. So if you send something in and nothing happens, that's why.

HOGZILLA UPDATE

As some of you suspected, Hogzilla may be a fake.

CALL US WHEN THEY FIND ONE THAT PRODUCES BEER

THIS BLOG IS HUGE

...in Sandusky.

JUST WHAT WE NEED!

Yesterday this blog's daughter, Sophie, came home from school with a live praying mantis. It was in a baby-food jar with some dirt and leaves, and holes punched in the lid. All the kids got them from the science teacher (Thanks, Science Teacher!) who told them they should feed their mantises fruit flies. Sophie named her mantis "Preci," which is short for "Preciosa," because what else are you going to name a creature that looks like this?

So we spent the evening trying to find fruit flies for Preci. Here in South Florida, it is usually very easy to find insect life. Just examine your leg, or look in your food, and there will almost always be some kind of bug crawling around. But of course last night there were no insects anywhere, and Sophie was worried that Preci would starve to death. So I went outside and took down a light-fixture covering,  which was filled with dead bugs, which we gave to Preci, who responded with a look of heartfelt mantis gratitude:

This is going to be a rewarding pet experience.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

ANOTHER DAY...

...another terrorist sqjuirrel attack.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

Update (Thanks to Mark Buckley): We have a new leader.

POLAND

...a nation unafraid to tackle the issues.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Attack of the Loo-Roll Holders

(Thanks to DavCat14)

ADVISORY TO FLORIDA RESIDENTS

Run. (But not to Oregon.)

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO WENDY'S MANAGERS IN THE MIAMI AREA

If a customer wants to exceed the three-packet limit on chili sauce, don't argue.

(Thanks to judi)

ADVISORY TO OREGON RESIDENTS

Run.

(Thanks to Sue Jenkins)

"REALITY" TV UPDATE

And you thought "Wife Swap" was bad.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

PUTTING THE "BAD" IN "ISLAMABAD"

SANDUSKY UPDATE

The muffleheads are back.

This has been your Sandusky Update.

SQUIRREL-RELATED TERRORISM UPDATE

Key Chilling Quote: Lowe stated immediately after the fact that Delaney had grabbed him on the testicles, or perpetrated a 'squirrel grip to his Gladstone Smalls', something Delaney later denied.

For the record, 'Squirrel Grip and the Gladstone Smalls" would be an excellent name for a rock band.

24

Here is the situation:
-- Jack is on a cliff, at a crossroads, on the horns of a dilemma.
-- Audrey is in a coma.
-- Chloe is pregnant.
-- The Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom has been destroyed, and with it the last remnants of the plot.
-- Darth Boothe is still acting president.
-- Edgar is still dead.
And now we present The Amazing Steve, with the Rest of the Story.

24 ADVISORY

As some of you may recall, last year, when the 24 season ended on TV, it continued on this blog, thanks to the clinically insane awe-inspiring efforts of The Amazing Steve, who each Monday night continued to present a detailed summary of the ongoing plot of the show, which was going on only in his mind. Steve has advised this blog that he plans to continue that tradition this year, so tonight at 9 Eastern Central Mountain Pacific Daylight Perimeter Time we will present a brief summary of the situation, followed, in the comments, by The Amazing Steve. Feel free to join us.

MEMORIAL DAY

Last night my family and I were at a barbecue at the home of friends. One of the other guests was a man in his 80s; one of his children mentioned that he'd been in the Battle of the Bulge. I asked him about it, and, with prodding, he talked about it, a little. Like most guys of his amazing generation, he was resolutely modest. He was a machine gunner in the heart of the bloodiest battle of World War II, and what he had to say about it was this: "I was lucky."

Not every soldier was, of course. That's the real reason why we have Memorial  Day. We need to remember that, and tell our kids.

NEVER GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT SOMETHING TO READ

Here's why.

YIKES

(Thanks to Scott Smith)

TEXAS EDUCATION UPDATE

"LET ARE KIDS WALK!"

(Thanks to chicomathmom)

ADVISORY TO CALIFORNIANS

Do not go into the Pacific Ocean. (This is the ocean located directly offshore.)

In fact, do not even set foot on the beach.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

MAYBE THOSE LARGE-CAPACITY CANADIAN TOILETS AREN'T SO GREAT AFTER ALL

NEBRASKA MOM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to queensbee)

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE, IF NOT THE NAME OF A ROCK BAND

Killer Bananas

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

REST EASY, LOS ANGELES

Reggie is in custody.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

Although some menaces are still at large.

SOONER OR LATER, WE ARE GOING TO SEE EVERY LIVING CREATURE ON A PLANE

Now it's bees.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN Posted by Dave on May 25, 2007 at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (71)

LONDON

City of Love

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO FISH CONSUMERS

Pass on the monkfish.

(Thanks to Maria McLeese)

WHY EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT

You learn stuff.

(Thanks to Valerie)

OKLAHOMA EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to K Conry)

ATTENTION, FANS OF THE LATE, GREAT DOUGLAS ADAMS

Take the day off.

(Thanks to CJRun)

YOUR DAILY SANDUSKY CRIME UPDATE

Things are out of control.

This has been your daily Sandusky Crime Update.

PRODUCTIVITY UPDATE

More and more workers are logging on in the bog.

LEGAL HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Woman acquitted of illegal poop use

(Thanks to xmnr, who observes: "Denver - It isn't Sandusky")

THE G8 SUMMIT

A place to get naked.

Key Quote: "I hope Bush will come down and join us," added Schuetze, 66, sitting nude on a beach near the hotel where world leaders will meet.

Why is it that the people who get naked in public are hardly ever the people you want to get naked in public?

(Thanks to Howard from Broward)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Oklahoma Division

(Thanks to Steve Richardson)

WHY WE LOVE GUYS, REASON 2,038

Guys have class.

(Thanks to Doug Messer)

ADVISORY: You should not watch this if you are easily offended, or if you are a young woman of the female gender who believes that, inside the crude exteriors of men of the male gender, there is goodness and, yes, sensitivity.