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May 21, 2007

24

Only two hours to go, people. Even less, if you subtract the commercials, which will be worth watching tonight (more on this later). During the actual show, we loyal viewers are hoping that the writers at last answer the key questions regarding the plot, namely:

1. What is the plot?

2. There are writers?

3. How much do they make?

4. What will be the the "cliffhanger" ending  that sets us up for next season?

5. Will it involve either China or Audrey?

6. If so, where can we get some cyanide?.

These are the questions that are swarming in our brain as we prepare for tonight's finale. As you recall, last week ended with former child Ricky Schroeder grabbing Jack's evil dead brother's annoying mopey son Josh and putting him on to a helicopter to take him to Jack's evil mastermind father Farmer Hoggett. Ricky is supposed to trade Josh for the Top Secret Russian Circuit Board of Doom, which Farmer Hoggett was originally going to trade for Josh with the evil Chinese mastermind "Three Hummers" Cheng, who managed to escape from CTU last week for like the 11th time despite the fact that CTU set up a perimeter.

The reason our government is trading Josh, aside from the fact that he is annoying, is that we really want to obtain the circuit board, because if it falls into the hands of the Chinese, the Russians will -- pay close attention here -- attack the United States. No, we don't understand why, either, although the writers have written many riveting White House scenes attempting to explain it. You would think the Russians would be in more of an apologetic mood, since a Russian nuclear bomb went off in the Los Angeles area earlier in this very season, but nobody seems to remember that. Everybody is like, "The nuclear blast in Valencia? That is so 9 a.m.-10 a.m." 

Anyway, last week Ricky and Josh took off in the helicopter, so of course this week Jack has to go after them to rescue Josh. No doubt wherever they wind up will be swarming with Chinese paramilitary troops, who apparently make up 60 percent of the population of California. We know from the previews that there will be boats, helicopters, jets, shooting and explosions. So get ready, and when it's all over, stay tuned for The Amazing Steve.

Bonus Reason to Watch Tonight: Mrs. Blog, a professional sportswriterette who covers, among other sports, professional tennis, informs this blog that tonight's episode will feature the premier of a Canon camera commercial, shot at Cher's old house in Miami, featuring tennis star Maria Sharapova, who is smoking hot, although of course nowhere near as hot as Mrs. Blog. The commercial also features a small white male dog who thinks in a foreign accent. Plotwise, it could well be the highlight of the season.

UPDATE: How come there's a boys' choir singing in the helicopter?

UPDATE: We'll get you back, Josh! Nothing EVER goes wrong with our plans!

UPDATE: Ho-hum. Jack in custody again.

UPDATE: This here is some solid oak dialog.

UPDATE: Bill can't BELIEVE what has happened to the plot since he left.

UPDATE: So Karen, who works for the White House, and who fired Bill, is now asking Bill to foil a White-House-ordered operation. OK!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett has an uplink. They're going to have to keep a REALLY WIDE perimeter.

UPDATE: Do you think that if they showed all the scenes from this season in reverse order, it would make more sense?

UPDATE: It would end with Jack really suddenly growing a beard. That would be the least-realistic part.

UPDATE: You have to hand it to Marilyn Bauer: Even when she's really upset, she retains her inability to act.

UPDATE: Actually, given the competence of CTU security, Marilyn could easily take over using just her fingernails.

UPDATE: This is shocking. Jack managed to get out of custody again.

UPDATE: Wouldn't it be great if Jack and Bill decided the hell with it and went bowling?

UPDATE: Milo's brother! Welcome to the plot!

UPDATE: Milo's brother's job, apparently, is to pad the plot.

UPDATE: "Any sign of Phillip Bauer yet?" Good of Nadia to take a few minutes out of her busy schedule at CTU to check in on the CTU operation that's supposed to avert world war!

UPDATE: "Agent Doyle, be careful!" Thanks, Nadia!

UPDATE: Oh man. Not another White House scene.

UPDATE: This is sure to go well.

UPDATE: Hard to believe such a foolproof, well-thought-out plan could have gone wrong.

UPDATE: "It blew!" Yes, it did.

UPDATE: Just to recap: CTU, the nation's crack counterterrorism unit, which has a huge staff and vast computer capacity as well as helicopters and satellites, and which knew exactly where the bad guys were going to strike, was once again easily defeated, this time by two guys in wetsuits and a motorboat.

UPDATE: I still can't believe Melinda got voted off American Idol.

UPDATE: Another White House scene. Padpadpadpad.

UPDATE: The old Bloomfield Oil Platform! That's IT.

UPDATE: Three Hummers! He's still in the plot!

UPDATE: If anything bad goes down on the oil platform, the actors can just grab chunks of dialog and use them as flotation devices.

UPDATE: Do we think Chloe is pregnant?

UPDATE: One more hour, people.

UPDATE: "The submarine is on schedule." "How soon before they pick us up?" "Thirty minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: So they can't find the motorboat with three people in it, even knowing where it left from... but they CAN find human body heat on the oil platform.

UPDATE: Phillip Bauer and confederates! They can tell by the body heat who the people are!

UPDATE: And that they're confederates!

UPDATE: "Get the kid, Jack!" That's exactly what people say after bombs go off in their faces.

UPDATE: Hey! A helicopter! Do you think...

UPDATE: I think Maria should have gone with the bikini.

UPDATE: "We'll be in range in 22 minutes." Thanks, writers!

UPDATE: I suppose it would make way too much sense to have the fighter jets take out the submarine.

UPDATE: A five-mile perimeter. That's a big perimeter.

UPDATE: Those have to be the slowest fighter jets ever.

UPDATE: Catch them off guard? In a helicopter?

UPDATE: Ummm... Why did Cheng give the component to Phillip? Does that make any sense? Never mind! Who cares!

UPDATE: Shooting. Good.

UPDATE: Whoa! Josh!

UPDATE: Boom! Yay!

UPDATE: OK, the truth is that the Russians have no proof whatsoever that the component was destroyed. But who cares? Not us!

UPDATE: OK, there are 25 minutes to go. Cliffhanger time.

UPDATE: Aww. Chloe downloaded Morris's schematics.

UPDATE: Please let this be the last White House scene.

UPDATE: UH-oh... William Devane means... AUDREY.

UPDATE: I'm getting the feeling that this season is going to end with a whimper.

UPDATE: "I'm at a crossroads." Did he actually say that?

UPDATE: At least Audrey didn't get any lines.

UPDATE: Sigh.

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Ready!

Secrets revealed tonight:

* Jack is not the father of the Marilyn's kid - but Jacks father - (Bauer family is way beyond help from Dr Phil)
* Audrey is in love with Cheng - not Jack
* Chloe is pregnant with Milo's love child
* President Wacko fires off a nuke just for the heck of it
* Jack lives but seriously hurts Mike
* Jack's father will not go over the to Chinese but will be turned over to the Russians
* Audrey will be killed in strange accident of US missle exploding oil platform which flings debries to land free zoo aimals and cougar who was not fed that day at zoo escapes and find Adurey wandering around downtown LA.

DAMNIT!!! I've been waiting all day to be first!!!

I have a bottle of wine ready for all perimeters, dammits, and any other good (or bad) to take a slug. Either way the show will be interesting.

3rd or 4th aint too bad!

Sorry Dave, Sox V. Yankees tonight.

*praying that Brad's plotline is what will really happen*

yay! I get to be here for the blog tonight! Where have I been you ask? I have been in school working on this piece of awesome-ness

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WSML5xBTOp0

Back despite popular demand:
The haiku episode guide to 24
(One verse per hour)

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM

Jack freed by Chinese.
During torture, Fayed’s thug
Becomes a Jack snack.

7:00 AM - 8:00 AM

Suicide bomber,
Thwarted by Jack on subway,
Makes ash of himself.

8:00 AM - 9:00 AM

Jack, Assad make nice.
President Wayne wusses out,
Lets nuke guy escape.

9:00 AM - 10:00 AM

Jack waxes Curtis
Then a suitcase nuke goes off.
Bad day all around.

10:00 AM - 11:00 AM

Family matters:
Jack searches for missing dad,
Beats up Bluetooth bro.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

In this hour we learn
That it’s tough to write haiku
When nothing happens.

12:00 PM - 1:00 PM

Brotherly torture
Shows that Graem has cojones
But then Pop offs him.

1:00 PM - 2:00 PM

Fayed’s evil plans
Don’t auger well for Morris
And that’s the hole truth.

2:00 PM - 3:00 PM

Old flame Marilyn
Sends Jack to booby-trapped house
Where he finds new flames.

3:00 PM - 4:00 PM

Jack pursues his dad,
Who leaves him the number for
Dial-a-Handbag.

4:00 PM - 5:00 PM

Bomb in the bunker!
It seems the reign of Wayne is
Mainly down the drain.

5:00 PM - 6:00 PM

To find Gredenko,
Jack storms Russian consulate,
Starts lopping fingers.

6:00 PM - 7:00 PM

Consulate shoot-out!
Mad Martha fillets Logan!
(About friggin’ time....)

7:00 PM - 8:00 PM

Jack brings down a drone.
(A missile, I mean. Not Wayne.)
Whack-job veep plans war.

8:00 PM - 9:00 PM

Jack uses Rain Man
(“I’m an excellent decoy”)
To nab Gredenko.

9:00 PM - 10:00 PM

On meeting Fayed
Gredenko changes his name
To Ivan Armov.

10:00 PM - 11:00 PM

Jack recovers nukes,
Makes Fayed a piñata.
Audrey’s back. Boo hoo.

11:00 PM - 12:00 AM

Audrey cries. Again.
Daniels grabs power. Again.
Jack goes rogue. Again.

12:00 AM - 1:00 AM

Cheng has three Hummers.
(Daniels wants one from Lisa,
But to Noah vail.)

1:00 AM - 2:00 AM

Jack coddles Audrey,
CTU chases a chip,
Chloe cries. What crap.

2:00 AM - 3:00 AM

Cheng takes CTU.
(I think my grandmother could.)
Bad guys whack Milo.

3:00 AM - 4:00 AM

Jack Junior...er...”Josh”
Is bandied hither and yon,
A blond ping-pong ball.

...to be concluded.

Bonus material, in Shakespearean mode:

Lachrymose Audrey,
Whence cometh thy strange power
To ensorcel Jack?

Ready for a spectacular ending tonight!

But enough about Heroes.

I'll watch that after I post my final summaries of "24" tonight. Every one get ready to go!

Now, where's that beer?

haha i have bet the boyfriend!

NOT FIRST!! and YAY for Mrs. Blog!

now the girlfriend is upset that I posted before her.

Checklist for the Season Finale of “24”

Chinese food: $17.00

Dr. Pepper: $1.29

Gas: $25.00 ($3.40 a gallon….DAMNIT!)

Dave Barry’s 24 Blog: Priceless

There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Bauer Card.

Bauer Card. Shooting people in the thigh since 2004

Member FDIC

time for item inventory:

1. Jack Bauer approved Blog 9mm pistol with double-special unlimited rounds feature for shooting the bot....check!
2. Suspension disbelief on....check!
3. Wooden dialouge deciphering machine active...broken beyond hope so check!
4. Half gallon of mood altering whiskey...absoloutely!

Ok, lets get it on....

ROCK ON FORD!!!!!!

*holds up lighter*

*SNORKS* particularly for 1-2pm, 4-5pm, 9-10pm & 12-1am.

Mood-altering vodka? Absolut-ly!

And YAY homeybeef (and girlfriend)! Welcome back. :) Checking out the vid now....

sorry, all I can think of is tennis, or something associated with same.

wow

*excited about the doggie*

Ford! That was fabulous!!

Checkin' in...10 minutes and counting!

Good job, Ford!

can anyone else feel it? that tingling sensation like your a kid on Christmas morning....yeah, me neither. better get another gallonof the good stuff ready.

PRESIDENT HANDBAG ON CSI!?!?!

*snork* @ WYOOOOOOOOOO

Careful, or you'll wind up with tennis elbow. Or something.

and as for the snowman video...

*sings, "too much time on my hands..."*

remember DD, in most cases there is always the other elbow to take over...just sayin'

Double *snorks* at Ford, especially for "Daniels wants one from Lisa...but to Noah vail."

Like MJ, I too am having take-out Chinese tonight while waiting for "24" to begin.

Given the machinations of the evil Three Hummers Cheng - not to mention the ongoing infiltration of the blog by the insidious Kewenl*ng the Shoe-Spammer - does that make MJ and myself traitors?

On the other hand, Jack will be having a bout of Chinese take-out at some point this evening, so I guess it's OK...

Wow, Ford79. "Ensorcel." You must have gone to an excellent college.

...And botfocked on the first post. Feh.

Viewer Discretion....

Wow, homey! More violence on your video than ALL SEASON on 24!


VIEWER DISCRETION!!!!

Jack beats Prince Phillip or... Yankees beat Sox??

Such a dilemma!!

I may have to catch the last two on MySpace!!

BLEEP! BLOOP! BLEEP! BLOOP!

JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
THAT'S GREAT, IT STARTS WITH AN NUKE'S WAKE, WACKS AND FLAKES, AND AWWWWWDREY;
JACK BAUER IS NOT AFRAID...
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT.
IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT AND JACK FEELS FINE!
JACK BAUER POWER HOUR!
J A C K B A U E R P O W E R H O U R !

Brought to you by: JackSack™ ("I'm still here in the show, really! Just look around, in the corner...I'm in every shot! Just look very closely...") and ChloeSack™ ("Sometimes a ChloeSack™ is just a ChloeSack™, you know?")

LET'S GET READY TO ROOOOOOOOOOOOOMBLE!

This "24" intro was brought to you by the creators of Wikipedia, which was used extensively for fact-finding information on important nucular bomb components and optimal thigh-stabbing locations. We'd also like to send a big thank you to "Thora's Thighs and Limbs Emporium" (Slogan: "Thighs R Us!") for supplying all the test appendages for the actors to practice on. These are the detail levels that the show strives for!

Just in time for the Viewer Discretion Advisement!

*JACKSNORK* @ Ford!!

WOW, FORD!!! You got a VOCABULARY kudo from THE BLOG HIMSELF!!!

*bows to Ford in homage*

And *snork* @ Dr. Rick

And THC guy's intro!

I'm on the edge of my seat, in the frickin' DAYLIGHT here, just hoping I don't pee myself from excitement. Or lack thereof.

perimeter - drink!

ok, the opening is taking up the first half hour....not much to hope for at this rate

C'mon, copter...blow up...it's not too late...go into the ocean...drown ManKim...

BEST INTRO EVER, ANDY!!! EVER!!!

I think Dave summed up the mediocrity of this season quite nicely.

Buchanan bites the dust tonight?

I don't have a good feeling about his recovery.

Oh yeah...implanting the tracker worked so well for Gredenko, didn't it?

oh no, it's the tracking beacon of dismemberment! run Josh run!!!!

Are we supposed to be able to tell the difference between those two young blond boys? Cuz I can't. Separated at birth?

Now Josh needs a recovery operation.

*drinks Absolut-ly for "perimeter"*

*is mad at the boy* .... im holding a grudge

Gawd, even Chloe sounds bored.

or fall...either way best to leave now Josh

I get the feeling the people working for our country may just be this bumbling.

Wow - Karen has an OLD school cell phone....

Go ahead, Mr. Russkie. Maintain the status quo. Which currently includes the nuke over Valencia that everbody forgot!

Chinese, Russkies...who the f*ck cares? Somebody die, already!

Now THERE's my Jack!!!

Jack: Karen, the Chinese are offering my father *2* Mankims!

Tom: "Well, that did not go well."

Is he talking about the current plot or the current plot?

Hope Jack's call to Karen didn't count as his "one phone call" after arrest...

Why is the sun out already?

alot of people have been more right then the vice president ... whats ur point?

Bring Bill Back! Bring Bill Back! Bring Bill Back!

yay bill

"He's been more right than we've been today"

Who are the writers? NOT English majors.

The Weenie has a "complicated" relationship with the VP? Whatever could that entail? Blow-up toys? Or nunchucks?

"He won't liszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......

"Oops. Sorry, Tom. Nodded off. What was I saying? This dialogue is making even me sleepy."

Tom's relationship with Darth is complicated at best. har har

Bill's getting his stuffed Jacked *no pun...oh of course it was intended*

Why don't the Russians and Americans gang up on the Chinese? China doesn't have the WTF circuitboard yet, so America and Russia could combine forces to attack it.

Oh, they're on the east coast, aren't they.

Sometimes Josh looks more like Ricky, I mean "Mike," than Jack. Just thinking out loud here.

Bottle of wine in waiting, dinner upstairs nuking in the microwave. No time to waste tonight!

"Whatever it takes...."

DRINK!

Gee, Karen, it might have been easier for Bill to help out Jack if you hadn't FIRED him, hmmm?

Oh sh!t, don't wait there!

Aaronak, that would make too much sense.

Confirmed, "no activity". As usual for this season.

Aaronak, there's going to be a joint US-Russia perimeter around China by 6 AM. End of season.

Aaronak, that would make too much sense.

And WHEN did Nadia change her clothes?

INFILTRATED AGAIN!!!! More EXCELLENT CTU security in action!!

how many moles are there

Oh, Nadia. Don't you have a centerfold to pose for, or something?

Why don't the Russians and Americans gang up on the Chinese? China doesn't have the WTF circuitboard yet, so America and Russia could combine forces to attack it.

somebody fire the security team already.

How is he in CTU's system? Because, like the building, it's the most insecure computer network on the internet.

PERIMETER! DRINK!

uh oh! the beach...Gredenko?

WIDE perimeter!

Even after experiencing a rather harrowing hostage crisis, Nadia's hair still looks fabulous.

mmmm cupcakes are better then this plot

Did Farmer Hogget say that Joshua is pregnant? Wow!

I don't think he wants to go to China. I think he wants to go to Alpha Centauri.

who the heck are those guys?

But that wasn't really your daddy, josh! don't listen to him!

Oooh, spooks are going after the boy...I think Ricky Schroder isn't going to last long...

the action?

what action?

Wes - cye....


I'm a cardmember and I'm STILL left wanting more!!!!

Cardmember: Yes
Wanting more: Yes

So Philip is saying that Marilyn is incapable of giving Josh "what he needs?"

What, precisely, would that be? Acting lessons? A spanking? All of the above?

ladies....you have debriefing

when the season ends, the annoying bickering among white house staff continues

is a 24 defrief another word for sn explanation of the plot - it could happen!

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