UPDATE: THE SQUIRREL WAR AGAINST HUMANITY

We are going to have to consider nuclear weapons.

Comments

[daisymae]

First.

[daisymae]

It's just shocking who will grab *anything* from a woman's purse!

[Mot the Hoople]

OHMIGOSH!! THEY'RE KILLING SQUIRRELS.

[Jazzzz]

Shouldn't there have been an alert on the bag warning of possible squirrel attacks"? El, rights have been violated. Will you take this case pro bone on bono?

[Punkin Poo]

"MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (AP) -- A mother is blaming snack chips for a squirrel attack on her four-year-old daughter."

The chips were cuffed and patted down, then eaten with a tuna sandwhich.

[daisymae]

snork @ punkin

[Jazzzz]

Dave...Are you comfortable with the fact that half of North America has been waiting for you to wake up and scratch and get coffee? That's a heavy load to carry.

[Jazzzz]

Oh, and Mot too

[Siouxie]

LOL Punkin!

[tropichunt.com guy™]

There there, don't feel bad, honey. They killed a bunch of squirrels after you were attacked. Of course, we don't know if they got the one that attacked you, but they did kill a lot of squirrels for you...honey, why are you still crying?

[Eleanor]

Well Jazzzz, if there was NOT a warning on the snack package re squirrels then yes, I think there's a profit case to be made. Solely for the get rich quick benefit of all chip eating people everywhere.

I see a class action lawsuit.

[Eleanor]

psssst Siouxie, I left you a message on the Airport Security thread :)

[OtheU(manity)]

TOT, but some might be interested in the article about the Amtrak on that page ... sorta caught my attention, 'cuz I wuz @ that spot a few days ago, and heard about it when it happened, when I wuz werkin' nearby ...

end/TOT

[Siouxie]

pssst El, saw it!!

[mm]

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Consumption of these snack chips may bring on attacks from large humanoid creatures, and their mothers as well.
Eat at your own risk.

[Stevie W]

"Allard said the animal was eating snack chips out of her purse. The squirrel attacked when the 4-year-old tried to get the bag of chips back."

Sounds to me like mom was allowing it to go on ("Oh, look, boopsie, isn't this cute?"), even encouraging it, until the kid reached for some. Mom's an enabler.

[mm]

my thoughts, too, Stevie. Too cute until the squirrel defends his dinner, or merely tries to climb off of it safely.

[Jazzzz]

I am off (downstairs) to help Lizzzz extract the "mother mold" of a sculpture from plaster. Since I'm not sure if I will be injured in this process, please wish me luck. Could make for interesting news story for DB blog......film at 11

[Stevie W]

How many chips did a chipmunk munch
If a chipmunk did munch chips?

Maybe Washington's washwoman knows.

[Siouxie]

hmmm Jazzzzie?? a mold of what??? and why should YOU be injured in the process?? hmmm??? and why are you walking funny?

*just wondering*

[Nurse Tammy]

I'm totally sure that there's an innocent explanation for Jazzzz's limping...

*looks forward to lengthy explanation about tragic edible body paint accident*

*mind is not in the gutter, it's below it*

[Just Ducky]

Happy Sunday, y'all!

Stevie's 11:47 comment spawned this:

That small girl just loved the squirrel’s bushy tail
Watched him munchin’ snack chips, yes, indeed
He was just a sweetie
That’s the way it seemed
Till the girl grabbed for the chips, and screamed

When he scratched her face, cuz mom’s an enabler
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Mom’s a dunce; she’s an enabler
Couldn’t believe he made her girl cry.

Mom saw squirrels as just cute little living things
Danger? She did not give it a thought
Now the child is cryin’
Because she’s in pain
And the squirrels have triumphed once again.

When he scratched her face, cuz mom’s an enabler
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
Mom’s a dunce; she’s an enabler
Couldn’t believe he made her girl cry.

[Eleanor]

BRAVA Ducky. Well done. :)

[Siouxie]

Very good, Ducky!!!

[Stevie W]

XLNT redux, ducky!

[philintexas]

With these ?

and this, ?

we can win

[Nurse Tammy]

*envies Ducky*
She's good at song parody. I'm good at... hmmm... sticking needles into people. And waking up doctors at 3am.
*sigh*

[Just Ducky]

Thanks, guys!

NT, don't sell yourself short--those are VERY useful skills. (Also, you're quite funny!)

*snork* at Phil's battle plan!

[Nurse Tammy]

Suuuure. I bet ddd has some ideas about nurses waking her up. Possibly these ideas involve shotguns, or even worse, torture by Manilow.

I accidentally made a patient laugh after major abdominal surgery. I am a cruel, cruel woman.

[Edgar Greenberg]

Dave, what we need to do is turn the squirrels against their allies. You know, if we get them and the Canada Geese to duke it out to the death, the world would be a better place.

[Jazzzz]

NT....."accidentally"? remember who your talkin' to.. :-D

[Just Ducky]

Jazzzz! Did you survive the "mother of all molds" extraction without injury?

[Nurse Tammy]

I didn't mean to provoke a belly laugh. More of a grin, really. I use humor as a tool at work all the time, so maybe I misjudged the impact of whatever it was I said. (Actually, the total is two abdominal surgical patients I've made laugh too hard for comfort. At least it counts toward the deep breathing exercises I need them to do anyway.) And I make it up to them with drugs. Hard drugs, early and often. Remorse does make one attentive, I suppose.

[Just Ducky]

Hard drugs, early and often. Tammy, I believe you've just come up with one of the planks in Dave's campaign platform!

[Jazzzz]

One Friday night in high school after going for beer sodas, I took my date to a park to score talk about helping the needy. I went behind a tree to pee pick some flowers when I alertly spotted a squirrel sitting beside me. Now, knowing the sensible reaction to a lethargic squirrel would be to run, I thought "how cute, I think I will pet it." A trip to the ER and 14 rabies shots later, I concluded not to mix alcohol soda and tree rats. Moral : there is none

[Stevie W]

Hey, hey, we're chipmunks, see?
We're eatin' any junk food we found
But we're too busy munchin'
To put any Chee-toh's down

We're not tryin' to be friendly
Just come and watch us feed our face
We'll bite your young generation
When chubby hands invade our space

[Jazzzz]

Yes Ducky, I was of great help didn't screw up anything. It's a cool bas relief that will go on the stucco wall of our gate (that she also designed) Have I told you lately how lucky I am for Ms Jazzzz? She feels sorry for the disadvantaged.

[Just Ducky]

Nice return, Stevie! *snork*

*snork* at Jazzzz! Does "disadvantaged" mean "one who pets potentially rabid squirrels?"

[Nurse Tammy]

*funny mental image: Jazzzz saying "pay no attention to that man behind the sterile drape"* (may have something to do with all those zzzz's. maybe.)

I need some sleep before my brain rusts shut. I have no idea where some of this stuff is coming from.

[Just Ducky]

NT, that reminds me of the president of the company I once worked for, who was talking (in jest) about one of the vice presidents. "Mind like a steel trap," he said. "Too bad it's rusted shut."

Sweet dreams!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Allard said the animal was eating snack chips out of her purse.
Only in SoCal would a squirrel be fashionable enough to carry a purse. I certainly hope it matched her fur coat. And in the squirrel's defense, if a 4-year-old grabbed chips out of my purse, I'd scratch her, too.

[marfie]

Ducky, that's fabulous. I know several people about whom I could use that analogy. (did I make that sentence more convoluted than I needed to?)

[Jazzzz]

Nite (day?) NT ....sleep well. Ducky..I think among much nobler things, Ms Jazzzz was put here to keep me from hurting myself or someone else.

[insomniac]

"bury my squirrel at wounded cheetoh"

[Annie Where-but-here]

jazzz - that tornado in Arkansas hit a town called...Dumass. Storms aren't funny, but....Dumass? Living in a town named that, aren't you just asking for something to happen?

[Annie Where-but-here]

Ducky - my dad uses that expression. He's from Brooklyn, maybe it's a regional term? He also uses the phrase - "Yeah, I was supposed to be in that meeting, but they found out my parents were married."
I am sooo glad I'm not as mean as him. ;)

[Jazzzz]

AWBH and SteveW.... well, you know !

[Just Ducky]

*snork* at Annie!

I'm sure the town was named after the great Alexandre Dumas, and someone was just a bad speller. ;-)

[Jazzzz]

There is also Toad Suck, Ark.....So Dumass doesn't sound so bad to them.

[Jazzzz]

Ducky...It actually is Dumas, but I think I like Dumass better.

[insomniac]

is everyone thinking of this commercial?

[random thunking]

I have a lasting solution to this mess. It's not easy, but it should work. What we need to do is somrthing along the lines of the Spanish Inquisition:

1) Capture a squirrel that has been known to munch. We could enlist philintexas for this.

2) In a place where all the other squirrels can see, we torture the squirrel. We can enlist the CIA for this.

3) Regardless of how much 3 protests, there is still no 3.

4) We force the sqirrel to sign an oath the he will never eat chips again.

5) We release the squirrel back into the wild, showing that we (humans) are tough but fair.

6) Because 6 is twice 3, this is so totally no 6.

*no squirrels were harmed in the typing of this post*

[Richard the Weasel-Hearted]

Psst, Annie: Mountain View (my old stomping grounds) ain't SoCal. It's a bit NW up the San Francisco peninsula from San Jose. Which raises the question: This made news in Sacramento/Stockton/Modesto?!?! They're 80-120 miles away!

[Annie Where-but-here]

random - isn't that kinda "24" for squirrels? What's next, "Dancing With the Chipmunks"?

[Just Ducky]

*snork* @ Jazzzz. And, most appropriately for this blog, isn't there a Booger Holler, Ark.?

*snorks* at insom & random!

12-step meeting for recovering squirrels:

Hi, I'm Sammy, and I'm a munchaholic. I raided a human's purse for chips, and scratched her little girl, too. *Hangs head in shame*

[Stevie W]

"He's from Brooklyn, maybe it's a regional term?"

Hey, aw, my parents were from Brooklyn. But the only regional terms I picked up were chocolate phosphate, Kings Highway, and Charlotte Russe.

[Just Ducky]

Annie, the prez of the company was from Texas, so that's a mighty big region!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Richard - my apologies, I should have clarified. The squirrel was from SoCal, visiting relatives when this tragedy ocurred. That's why she had the purse with snacks in it - she was travelling. No need for a purse when she's hangin' in her own hood.

[Eleanor]

I know someone who lives in Beaver, Ark.

Really.

[Beppie]

Jazz, be careful of the plaster sculptures!! My sister almost broke her foot on one in the middle of the night. They seem innocent enough, but they have a dark side!

[Annie Where-but-here]

Beppie - at night, everything has a dark side.

Stevie - I suspected you had NY roots.

[Just Ducky]

El, I think there's also a Beaver, Oklahoma.

[Jazzzz]

There is a Booger Holler......and no way no how am I gonna get mixed up in Beaver (in pubic public)

[Jeff Tompkins]

When I clicked on the link and went to the story, the first thing that caught my eye was "Protect Yourself From the Silent Killer." I was disappointed to learn that this was part of an ad for a carbon dioxide detector, and not part of the headline about the squirrel.

[Momo]

I've been advocating this sort of action against squirrels for almost two years now.

[mm]

on the steel trap issue:

I've always claimed to have a mind like a steel sieve.

[OtheU(manity)]

r.e. place names ... I've got a vague connection to some folks who live on Possum Trot Lane in Yellville, Arkansas ...

[daisymae]

Arkansas is sure catching it's share on this thread...NTTAWWT.

I went to university in Arkansas...Whoooooo Pig, Sooey!

[Richard the Weasel-Hearted]

Annie -- Ah, ok, that makes sense. I knew it couldn't be a local squirrel behaving so badly.

OT: Anyone know what happened to danceswithvowels? I gotta nice never-been-used digamma (upper:Ϝ lower:ϝ) for him...

[Jazzzz]

Daisy...I'm down in Hot Springs. Ms Jazzzz also was graduated from UofA

[philintexas]

When these cross the pond, we're in deep kimchee.

Warning: this audio-visual is a little scary. Based on my math calculations -- which I'm sure are correct because I took Algebra I twice in HS -- this guy is at least four feet long not counting the tail.

[Kristina L.]

The mom shoulnd't have let her kid try to take her chips back. Squirrels may be small, but they're still wild animals.

Sorry, guess I need a gumball (that's to take things less seriously, right?).

[dblack2547]

"Mountain View has stepped up patrols" -- now what sort of patrols would these be?

[wingpup]

Jazzzz - I'm familiar with Toad Suck, AK. My parents have property in Conway. They've been to the Toad Suck Festival. ISIANMTU.