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February 19, 2007

SQUIRREL TERRORISM UPDATE

Lincoln, Neb., weighs in.

Key Chilling Fact: Squirrels caused about 28 percent of the outages -- 97 -- more than twice that of any other source last year. Coming in second was underground cable failures, 47, followed by falling tree limbs at 38 and lightning at 37.

ADVISORIES

1. In a few minutes, we will be cutting off the comments to the bumper-sticker-slogan post, because the economy is in enough trouble as it is.

2. Be ready tonight at 9.

YOU PUTS MARRRRRRRRRRRRMALADE ON IT

Pirate Toast

(Thanks to Justin Long)

UM, OK...

The Sideways Bike

(Thanks to Geoff)

MUTANT DUCKLING OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to AndytheTropicHunt.com&trade guy)

PLEASE STOP

...sending links about this. We have SOME standards here.

THIS BLOG IS IN LOVE

OK, this is probably thousands of years old, but this blog just found out about it.

(Thanks to Paul Levine)

THIS CAN'T BE GOOD

Snake beans.

ATTENTION, CERTAIN CANADIAN MEN

SLOGAN CONTEST UPDATE

The response to the slogan contest has been truly scary impressive. Thanks to all of you who participated, even though in some cases this apparently meant going without needed medication. We here at headquarters will scrutinize your slogans, using industrial-strength scrutin, and let you know when we have a winner.

February 17, 2007

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

   Over the past few weeks, every leading politician who is not John Kerry or in a coma has declared that he or she is running for president of the United States. Hillary Clinton alone has declared at least six times, once for each of the states she calls home. The candidacy of Barack "The Beatles" Obama has received nearly as much coverage as...
     Well, I was about to say as much coverage as Anna Nicole Smith, but that would be crazy talk. But he has received as much as Crazy Astronaut Diaper Woman, which is a lot.
     On the Republican side, every male member of Congress who owns two or more dark suits, plus a person named "Mitt," is running or has formed an "exploratory committee" to explore the complex question of whether he has the Leadership and Vision that America needs, or what.
      So there is no shortage of people, or at least carbon-based life forms, running for president. But we, as a nation, must ask ourselves: Are these candidates really the best that America has to offer? By limiting ourselves to professional politicians, are we not running the risk that we will choose, for like the 17th consecutive election, a dipstick?
     When we think about these questions, we have to admit, as a nation, that the answer is yes. (Or possibly no.) Clearly, then, we need to look outside of mainstream politics for a "different kind" of candidate – a person who may lack the traditional qualifications for being president, such as experience, or knowledge, or some clue about what the president actually does, but compensates for these shortcomings in other ways, such as regular flossing.
      I believe that I am such a person. And that is why I have taken the liberty of asking a group of distinguished Americans, including Oprah Winfrey, Albert Einstein, Bono, the Pope and Scarlett Johansson, if they would serve on a committee to explore the question of whether I should run for president. I have not heard back from any of them, which I am taking as a yes.
      And so today, here on the Internet, I am formally declaring that I am running for president. Make no mistake: I am in this thing to win, unless it involves effort. Bold words? Yes, but sometimes boldness is called for. If Columbus had not been bold, he would probably still be alive today.
      My first step, as a candidate, will be the same one taken by every great president from George Washington to Thomas Edison: Creating a bumper sticker. In my last presidential campaign, I used this bumper sticker:

Bumpersticker_1

     Incredibly, despite this sticker, I failed to win, because of a combination of factors:
     Factor 1: There was massive voting-machine fraud.
     Factor 2: I was not, technically, on any ballot in any state.
     But I still believe that, with a stronger sticker, I have a chance. I have considered a variety of possible slogans, including this one;

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
"He's Like, Whatever"

     But that sounds too, I don't know, specific. I think we can do better. And by "we," I mean "you." I've decided to hold a contest to get you, the people, to come up with a slogan that truly expresses what I think. Please put your suggestions in the comments section below. I'll pick a winner, and judi my campaign staff will have it made into a bumper sticker. The person who comes up with the winning slogan will receive, as a valuable prize, a bottle of this fine product, which somebody sent to us years ago, and which we have been trying to get rid of saving for a deserving individual.
     So send in your slogans. We need the bumper sticker so we can move on to Phase II of the campaign: collecting money reaching out to the voters. So please help. Your country needs you. More important, I need you. For now.

ROBERT ADLER IS GONE

But his spirit lives on.

(New, improved, registration-free link supplied by Jeff Meyerson, who states that he sent this in yesterday)

WHAT TIME IS IT?

Time for the Apocalypse.

(Thanks to Evan Dolive)

INTERNATIONAL ATOMIC ENERGY AGENCY INTRODUCES NEW RADIATION-DANGER SYMBOL

It's very clear: If you see a propeller shooting water toward pirates, you must run the other way.
Radiation
(Thanks to Sarah J)

February 16, 2007

MISTER SUAVE

RUN, DOG, RUN!

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

THEY OPENED FOR THE SPACE POTATOES

The Bird Butts and Excess Heat

(Thanks to Wes von Papineäu)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Siouxie)

TERRORISM UPDATE

Now the bastards are using muskrats.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

ANOTHER REASON WHY WE NEED GUYS

Without guys, some things would never get done.

(Thanks to Gary)

TIGGER UPDATE

Tigger beat the rap.

(Thanks to Kathy)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Dave, but not the Dave posting this)

THE LONGER YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM COLLEGE...

...the funnier college gets.

(Thanks to Noob)

CRIMINAL-MASTERMIND-AND-AUNT TEAM OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Davis arranged for his aunt to bring a small safe which Davis claimed contained money for his bail. State police said when Davis' aunt opened the safe in front of a state police trooper, inside was the cash, but also drug paraphernalia and 16 grams of cocaine.

(Thanks to Tweetywill)

AIR MAURITANIA SLOGAN

"Do Not Mess With Us"

Alternative: "Coffee, Tea, or Boiling Water in Your Face?"

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY THE WORLD NEEDS GUYS

Guys are practical.

(Thanks to Lisa and Sheri Aurand)

"MOMMY, WHY IS BARBIE SINGING ABOUT HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS?"

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ANNOUNCEMENT JUST MADE AT THE CHARLOTTE AIRPORT

"Ladies and gentlemen, the plane is here. We did hit a bird on the way in and we do have Maintenance cleaning that up now."

ADVISORY FOR MEN CHOOSING GIFTS FOR WOMEN

Be very careful.

MAYORAL CANDIDATE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR USERS OF OFFICE TOILETS

One the one hand, the toilet is cleaner than your desk. On the other hand....

February 15, 2007

ATTENTION, PEOPLE THINKING THEY CAN GET RICH THROUGH A CHINESE ANT-BREEDING SCAM

Think again.

YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL

(Thanks to DavCat14)

NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER

(Thanks to DavCat)

WELL, DUHHHHHHHHHHH HEADLINE OF THE DAY

(Thanks to estrogen centrale)

DINNER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

He should have picked the restaurant.

(Thanks to Joshua Evans)

DINNER UPDATE (Thanks to AmerInParis)

AND THE AWARD FOR MOST USES OF THE WORD "DISTINCTIVE" IN A NEWS ARTICLE GOES TO...

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

DON'T WORRY, SIR

While you're away, the s.b. is hard at work taking care of business on the job.

(NOTE the warning, men!)

(Thanks to Clean Hands)

UPDATE

The mood here at Miami International Airport Substitute is getting very, very ugly. People have gathered around the very few employees of the airline (code name "US Snairways") and are making angry statements about the fact that nobody seems to have a plan. The pilot of the broken plane is saying "You SHOULD complain! I WANT you to complain! Maybe then things will improve!"

But I don't think they will improve today.

UPDATE: OK, I am theoretically on a new flight. We shall see. But what I don't get is why, when there's a problem like this, they don't tell us what's going on. Like, you know, get on the p.a. system and tell us where we should line up, what flights are available, stuff like that. Because the way it works now is, we all stand like cattle in these reeeeeeeeeeeallllly long lines, wondering what's happening, and the airline person at the counter has to re-explain everything to everybody, and meanwhile tensions mount and tempers flare and rumors go up and down the lines. ("I hear there's a flight at gate H-12!" "A flight to where?" "I don't know, but I hear it has seats available!" "Should we go there?" "Maybe you should go there and I'll stay in this line." "Moo." "Mooooooooooo." etc.)

AIR TRAVEL HELL

I'm in it! My flight was delayed, then when we finally got on the plane they discovered a mechanical problem. After they spent an hour trying to fix that, the pilot said they were going to try rebooting the airplane, "just like you do on your home computer," in the hope that would fix it. Yes: Control-Alt-Delete! But that didn't work either. So now I'm in a line of 807,000,000,000 people trying to get onto another airplane, ideally one that uses a different operating system. The point being, I will not be blogging for a while.

CSI KUALA LUMPUR

THE FLORIDA LEGISLATURE, HAVING SOLVED ALL OF THE STATE'S OTHER PROBLEMS, TACKLES THE BIG ONE

Impostor bands.

INTERNATIONAL CHESS UPDATE

There are new developments in the Toilet War.

February 14, 2007

THEY OPENED FOR BLIND SNAKE

The Space Potatoes

NO THANKS

TRAVEL ITEM

A friend of this blog, David Golia, who is the husband of Big Lou the Accordion Princess and also plays bass in her band, Polka Casserole, sends this photo of a spot he and Big Lou recently visited:
Fried_liver_wash_2

SOMEBODY IS LOOKING TO GET LUCKY TODAY

Waltervalentine

THE FUTURE

It's looking bright.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Of course, it's happier for some genders than for others.

Key Quote: The average man is expected to spend $156.22 on his Valentine this year, compared to the average woman's $85.08, according to a recent National Retail Federation survey. The difference is partially because only 6 percent of men are expected to receive Valentine's Day gifts at all, according to a survey by the National Confectioners Association.


BEST OPENING SENTENCE OF A NEWS STORY SO FAR THIS WEEK

Former Internet piracy consultant and record producer Bruce Forest yesterday pleaded guilty in federal court to using explosives to destroy a portable toilet in Weston.

 
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