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February 23, 2007

WE LIVE IN AMAZING TIMES

(Via Gizmodo)

URGENT EMAIL FROM MR. GENE WEINGARTEN

Gene writes:

According to a report out of South Africa, new studies show that circumcision reduces the spread of AIDS by 60 percent.  This was hailed as a major breakthrough by the director of the World Health Organization's AIDS project.  His name is Kevin de Cock.

WAL-MART SNAKE-ATTACK UPDATE

MY FELLOW SOUTH FLORIDIANS:

It's time to act.

February 22, 2007

U.S. SENIORS

Don't mess with them.

(Thanks to MOTW)

HUMAN RELATIONS COMMISSIONER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to cyrldiving)

SATAN

He's loose in Santa Fe.

(Thanks to Xmygrits)

RELIGIOUS NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY SO FAR

Holy Mackerel!

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

MORE BREAKING NEWS FROM WASHINGTON STATE

Apparently, people in Washington state have a lot of spare time.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

(We don't mean that Cheryl Howard is the reason people in Washington state have a lot of spare time.)

BREAKING NEWS FROM WASHINGTON STATE

ADVISORY TO LLAMAS WHO HAPPEN TO BE IN THE VICINITY WHEN BOLIVIA DECIDES TO NATIONALIZE A TIN SMELTER

Run.

AUSTRALIAN POLITICAL ISSUE OF THE DAY

Goat sex.

THE DEEP

We're staying out of it.

Here's another view. Yum!

UPDATE ON BINDI SUE THE SNAKE

The myssssssssssstery deepens.

February 21, 2007

SERIOUSLY

I need one of these.

(Thanks to Dan Nachbar)

THAT'S ONE THING WE COULD CALL HIM

(Thanks to The Amazing Steve "Jack Bauer" Pietrowicz)

GUYS IN ACTION, EPISODE 2,038

(Thanks to Crash)

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Bat Demon and the Sex Attack

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

ATTENTION, RESIDENTS OF FRANCE AND BRITAIN

Run.

(Thanks to Onterrible)

UPDATE (thanks to Claire Martin):Wait! Apparently, they are gentle.

PUBLIC SERVICE SUGGESTION OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to Russell Mc)

WHAT, SHE NEVER LOST ANYTHING?

(Thanks to susyqe)

SHE'S ALREADY DRIVING IN FLORIDA

All she needs now is a license.

(Thanks to PM)

THOSE TERRORIST BASTARDS

(Thanks to Bill Moore)

ADMIT IT

You've made this mistake many times yourselves.

(Thanks to marva)

BIRDBRAIN?

(Thanks to xmnr)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to DavCat14)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

Loo-paper rustling

(Thanks to Siouxie)

TERRORISM IN UPTON

You just know that the squirrels were behind this.

Key Journalistic Quote: NewsCenter 5's Lynn Jolicoeur reported that the cow is fat, and sometimes moves slowly.

YES, IT'S A JOKE

But we're getting there.

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

February 20, 2007

BAD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Toilet Bowl Teeth

THE NEWS MEDIA

Sometimes, we just suck.

24

Turns out some people take it seriously.

(Thanks to Andy Moore)

"DISTINCTIVE" STORY UPDATE

This thing just keeps getting bigger.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

COMING TO THEATERS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

Christmas the Miracle Hamster

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WEBKINZ

You may not know about Webkinz, but you should, because fairly soon Webkinz will, at the current rate of expansion, take over the planet.

Webkinz is a Toy Concept consisting of two elements:

Element One: A cute little stuffed animal that you buy in a store if you can find one, which you can't, because they're always sold out everywhere, but you better get one because otherwise your child will believe he or she is the only non-Webkinz-owning child in the world and you will feel like parental scum.

Element Two: This Internet site, where your child goes to register using the secret code that came with the stuffed animal that you cannot get anywhere because they are sold out. Once your child registers, he or she will see a little on-screen stuffed animal just like the one he or she has at home. Your child must then feed and care for the online version, or it will get tired and hungry and cranky and develop online intestinal parasites. Your child can also play games to earn "Webkinz dollars" to buy things for the online pet, and exchange messages and gifts with other online friends whose parents got them Webkinz. The result is that your child will want to spend roughly 1,000 hours per day on the Webkinz site.

I know this because my daughter has a Webkinz pet, a bear named Cookie. My wife bought it. She got in on this thing early -- weeks ago -- and  now we feel like people who bought Microsoft stock for 3 cents a share, because she paid only $12 at a local store and now you pretty much can't find a Webkinz pet except on eBay. Just this morning, when we dropped our daughter off at school, I was talking to one of her classmates' moms, who told me she had been everywhere, trying to find a Webkinz pet for her daughter, but no luck. She had a desperate look, like an addict who needs crack, except of course here in South Florida crack is widely available, and also probably less addictive than Webkinz.

Anyway, I bring this up because according to this report, a school has decided to ban Webkinz. It's only a matter of time before Congress steps in and holds hearings. I am for this, because the whole thing scares me a little bit. I want to know who's behind it.

YOU KNOW HOW JACK BAUER IS ALWAYS TALKING TO CHLOE ON HIS CELLPHONE ABOUT SCHEMATICS WHILE HE'S ENTERING A TERRORIST LAIR OR DISMANTLING A TICKING NUCLEAR BOMB?

Well, wouldn't it be excellent if he was talking to her on this?

(Via Gizmodo)

BUMPER-STICKER SLOGAN DECISION

I have painstakingly reviewed all 16 million entries in the bumper-sticker-slogan contest, in consultation with a distinguished panel of experts consisting of Mrs. Blog, judi, and Mr. Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post. After literally weeks of thoughtful consideration, the panel and I have decided to go with the following slogan, which was one of the first ones sent in:

DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT
Yes, of the United States

This slogan was submitted by "Dad-O-Lot," who will receive, as punishment a token of our gratitude, a bottle of this high-quality prank product, if we can figure out a way to send it without violating the Homeland Security Act.

There were many strong runner-up slogans, including:

-- "Or Are You Too Chicken?" from Steve Jens, who also submitted "Basically, He Wants Attention";

-- "The Rest of the World Is Laughing at Us Anyway," by Meanie the Blue, who also submitted "It's Not Like You Care";

-- "My Kid Is an Honor Student," by Chris Knight;

-- "If He Shoots a Lawyer in the Face, It Will Be on Purpose," by Beppie;

-- "Puttin' the 'Mock' Back in 'Democracy'," by JP;

-- "He's Actually a Black Woman," by gfunksizzle;

-- "Because Nothing Isn't Going to Do Itself," by tuxmask3.

...and many, many more excellent ones, including the one that you, personally, submitted, which I liked the best but which was vetoed by judi so blame her.

Anyway, our next step is to have the winning slogan printed on a bumper sticker, which ideally we will have done before election day. After that the campaign will really kick into "high gear" under the direction of the Campaign Field Coordinator, Mr. Ted Habte-Gabr, who will be out in the field doing his horizontal level best to gauge the mood of the voters.

Thanks to all of you who participated in the contest. Now let us join together in making this country a better place for me future generations.   

SOON TO BE A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

A Quick and Accurate Estimation of Heat Losses from a Cow

Key Quote: The Gebremedhin-Wu method certainly is slow. Despite making a simple assumption - that a cow is a cylinder - it requires you to do some tedious calculating. Khan, Badruddin, Quadir and Seetharamu, in introducing their own method, pooh-pooh the Gebremedhin-Wu way.

We don't know about you, but we thought we would never see the day when anybody would dare to pooh-pooh the Gebremedhin-Wu way.

THIS JUST IN

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

Bindi Sue is missing.

February 19, 2007

24

Here is this situation:

In last week's highlight, the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed drilled into Morris with a power drill -- it looked to us like a 3/8" bit -- and Morris, after giving it some thought, decided, hey, why not program those suitcase nukes? Fayed then activated one of the bombs, but Jack arrived just in time, and Chloe (it goes without saying) had the schematics (filed under "Nuke, Suitcase") so Jack was able to deactivate the bomb by -- forgive us for using technical terms -- turning it "off." CTU had set a perimeter up around the building, so of course Fayed got away. He went down into the sewers, where a helicopter was waiting. (Hey, we don't write these plots.) Morris was all sad and blue, but Chloe was like, hey, who hasn't, at one time or another, enabled terrorists to wipe out tens of thousands of innocent people in nuclear blasts? So by the end the two lovebirds were reconfabulating downlinks together again and it was soooo sweet.

Speaking of couples: McCarthy and his annoying girlfriend both got whacked. Edgar is also still dead.

The current evil terrorist supreme mastermind is (we think) somebody named "Gredenko," which sounds to us like a nickname for organic waste, as in, "Mom! The dog made Gredenko on the carpet!" Gredenko is planning to use the remaining suitcase nukes to Wreak Vengeance on the United States, or at least Los Angeles... unless Jack can stop him. But Jack is being thwarted by his father, Farmer Hoggett, who took Jack's dead brother Baldy's son Josh -- who we think might be Jack's son, because he (that is, Jack) and Baldy's widow Marilyn, who is hot but has the acting skills of a rutabaga, still have Feelings for each other -- hostage (that is, Josh is a hostage) and he (Farmer Hoggett) made Marilyn send Jack to the wrong house, where, instead of Gredenko, there was a bomb, which went off, providing pretty much the only highlight in the second hour last week, but, incredibly, not killing Jack.

Meanwhile in the White House Bat Cave Bunker, the Ally McBeal Weenie is joining the conspiracy to get rid of President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, which is fine with us because every time President Payton starts talking we find ourselves losing consciousness and waking up hours later face-down in the Cheez-Its.

Speaking of refreshments: It's time to get ready.

Special Note: We welcome Mr. Ridley Pearson, joining us from New York City for tonight's episode.

UPDATE: They never look behind the dumpster.

UPDATE: I love it when Jack says: "Interlace your fingers!"

UPDATE: Marilyn can't act, but she has excellent teeth.

UPDATE: Jack may have to shoot Marilyn in the thigh.

UPDATE: Jack wants a vehicle with a full tactical kit.

UPDATE: We've all been stupid, Jack. That's why we watch.

UPDATE: OK, just thinking out loud here: If Jack doesn't go to get Gredenko, whoever does go to get Gredenko will get creamed, and the suitcase nukes -- let us call them "suitnukes" for short -- will remain at large.

UPDATE: "Did you finish the vectors?" Those crazy lovebirds!

UPDATE: Farmer Hoggett is not the brightest bulb, is he?

UPDATE: The president was installing Vista.

UPDATE: Morris is going off the wagon.

UPDATE: Hey, you get drilled in the shoulder, you need a little something.

UPDATE: We're seeing Marilyn's full tactical kit.

UPDATE: I may have said this before, but the "Back to the Future" ad for Direct TV is really, really stupid.

UPDATE: Ally McBeal Weenie down!

UPDATE: There's always time for hallway subplots at CTU.

UPDATE: Morris's sponsor will turn out to be... Jack's father!

UPDATE: I think it's good when families talk things out like this, with guns.

UPDATE: I didn't metabolize the alcohol, either!

UPDATE: OK, really now, why didn't Jack ask for backup?

UPDATE: This is some bad writing, here.

UPDATE: PRESIDENT HANDBAG!!!

UPDATE: Wait... did anything actually happen in this episode? Or was it pretty much blah, blah, blah, blah... PRESIDENT HANDBAG!!!

UPDATE: Next week: A bomb and a needle. We now turn you over to the Amazing Steve.

FINAL UPDATE: According to the news, Anna Nicole Smith is dead. Anybody heard anything about that?

THE APOCALYPSE MUST BE JUST ABOUT OVER

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

ATTENTION ALL UNITS

This is not me.

(Thanks to Gregory Riley)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE IS ON THE WAY

...to this motorist, who will find that down here we do not believe that free people should be forced to drive in any one particular direction just because some so-called "traffic law" says so.

(Thanks to cyrldiving)

YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

(Thanks to Valerie)

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Peter Metrinko)

THE POWER OF THIS BLOG

It's distinctive.

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

YOU CAN HAVE MY MUSHY PEAS WHEN YOU PRY THEM OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

HERE'S A GREAT GIFT WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL THAT SPECIAL SOMEBODY...

"Some day, you will be dead."

(Thanks to Cheryl Howard)

 
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