Dave Barry's Blog

FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA

...to your garage door.

(From mama723)

NUTRITION ADVICE FROM THE PRINCE OF WALES

Avoid unhealthy meals and opt instead for tasty UK cuisine.

(Thanks to Siouxie)

HEALTH FOOD UPDATE, sent in by a huge crowd

OPENING SENTENCE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

A jazz musician was injured Friday after jumping from a burning motor home driven by a one-time roller skating stripper from Lodi.

(Thanks to Layla Bohm)

PLEA FROM A DAD

Dear Dave Barry;

I need your help. I am quite sure that only you will know how to save me from my domestic problem.

The problem that I have stem from an event that occurred a couple of  years ago, when I allowed my wife and children to bring two small long-eared RODENTS into the house (for the purposes of this discussion, we can refer to these rodents as "bunnies"). Yes, these are close relatives to the rabbits that infest our neighborhood, eat our vegetable garden and flowers, and generally make a pest of themselves..As rodents, these are also of course close relatives to the mice that we trap in the basement and discard, or the rats that recently caused a New York restaurant to be condemned and closed down, and whose droppings can carry several deadly diseases including Bubonic Plague. I was assured that bunnies are inexpensive, easy to maintain, and not much trouble (which up to now has been true).

However, I have just been told that in order to maximize their long term health, they need surgery. But while regular surgery would be okay, they would be more comfortable with laser surgery. Of course, we don't want just any laser surgery for our RODENTS (oops, I mean bunnies), but we need the very finest laser surgeon (who I believe is to be flown in from Zurich in his private jet for the operation).

I have suggested that rather than pay $400 per bunny for surgery, if they die we can just buy another one for $25 at next year's local fair. My wife was of course horrified, and suggested that if I didn't want to pay for the best, then perhaps I should discuss this with my two young daughters and see what they think. In considering this, I can imagine years from now my daughter, talking to the prison psychologist, saying "well, all was well until I discovered that my dad was too cheap to pay for the best surgery for my dearest (bunny name deleted to protect the innocent), then I had to turn to a life of crime and depravity".

So, what am I to do? Should I pay for the surgery?

Thanks, Dad

(please withhold my name if you print this, since I don't like sleeping on the sofa).

I have no answer for this. But I do remember years ago when my son had gerbils, which were always escaping from the cage, and we'd frantically try to find them before God forbid they got caught in the traps that we set in the kitchen to kill the mice THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE THE GERBILS.

HEY, DUDE...

...wanna do some eggs?

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

WHEN ESCAPED-ORANGUTAN DRILLS GO WRONG

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

(Hnmmm.... where have we seen that costume before?)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

Presenting the Corn Bobber.

THIS CALLS FOR DEPORTATION

GIVE IT UP FOR...

The Nicotine-Addicted Squirrel Monkeys

(Alternative headline here)

HARVARD

It's going right down the toilet.

(Thanks to WoosterGirl)

BUT CAN THEY MAKE THEM POOP ON SPECIFIC TARGETS?

CAT FLATULENCE AND GLOBAL WARMING

Finally, somebody is doing something.

TODAY'S NUTRITION TIP

"It's never a good idea to eat raw frogs or snails."

THE OTTUMWA SCENE

It's getting crazy.

AND THE SO-CALLED "UNITED NATIONS" DOES NOTHING

24

Here are the schematics of the plot perimeter:

The highlight of last week's episode was the heartwarming moment between Jack and his dad, Farmer Hoggett, when FH made Jack kneel down at gunpoint, but decided -- The old softy! --not to shoot Jack in the back of his head. That's how you show true affection Bauer-family style: by not killing a fellow Bauer. I'm assuming Jack and his dad will meet again before this season is up, and that their father-son reunion will make The Texas Chainsaw Massacre look like Teletubbies.

Anyway, at the very end of last week, Farmer Hoggett left a phone for Jack, with instructions to call a certain number, and when Jack did, the person at the other end, in a totally unexpected plot twisteroo, was...

Anna Nicole Smith.

No, sorry, she is still deceased, and so is Edgar. The shocking twisteroo person at the other end was Disgraced Former President Complete Handbag, whom we used to hate but who now looks pretty good compared with our current leader, President Gary Payton of Your World Champion For Now Miami Heat, whose strategy for dealing with nuclear terrorists is apparently to put the entire nation into a drooling stupor by talking in measured tones.

In subplot action, the Ally McBeal Weenie, who looked like he was going to join the plot -- which this blog wholeheartedly supports -- to whack President Payton and replace him with Vice President Powers Boothe, decided instead to rat out the plotters, so he was clubbed with a flashlight in the bunker by Colonel Mustard, who... no, wait, sorry, he was clubbed by his treacherous aide Reed, but, tragically, does not appear to have been killed.

In the Morris-and-Chloe subplot, Morris is still down on himself for programming the suitnukes after being used as a human do-it-yourself project by the evil terrorist submastermind Fayed. Chloe still loves Morris because he did not metabolize his alcohol. (Chloe can tell, just by looking at you, what you have metabolized.)

The Walid-and-Sandra subplot has completely disappeared, which is fine with me. If the writers try to bring it back, I think the other characters should say to them, "Get out of here! You never had anything to do with the plot anyway!"

Anyway, the big question tonight is: What will ex-president Handbag tell Jack about Gredenko, the evil terrorist mastermind for now? Can Jack find the remaining bombs before they go off? Most important of all, will there be any sightings of ex-president Handbag's First Lady?

We will just have to wait and see. And while we are waiting, let us not forget to metabolize.

UPDATE: It is SO hard to get good terrorist submastermind help these days.

UPDATE: The bunker has Ominous Muzak.

UPDATE: PERIMETER!

UPDATE: "He reminds me of you... neither one of you can act."

UPDATE: "Hi! We're here to kill the president!" "OK, then!"

UPDATE: Duct tape!

UPDATE: "We're not cold-blooded murderers." Who WRITES this stuff?

UPDATE: Victoria's Secret has reinvented the bra... again.

UPDATE: Morris specificed the wrong slot assignment for the SIP adapter! If I had a nickel for every time I did that...

UPDATE: If somebody had drilled two inches into my shoulder with a 3/8" bit, I would not swing my arms the way Morris does when he walks.

UPDATE: Too much talking.

UPDATE: Snore.

UPDATE: A drone!

UPDATE: So, do we think the terrorists will put a suitnuke on the drone, and it will drone away for several tense episodes? Or what?

UPDATE: It takes THIRTY MINUTES to get a bomb ready?

UPDATE: There can be no question that the highlights of tonight's episode are being provided by Victoria's Secret.

UPDATE: "Don't be sarcastic! Your data merge is incomplete!"

UPDATE: The Morris subplot is getting so repetitive that they have to be setting us up for a shockeroo, right? Like he's a mole? Or he's the one who reinvented the bra?

UPDATE: They're clearing a ground corridor. That's like a perimeter, right?

UPDATE: YES! Chloe is NOT afraid to yank a man off the toilet.

UPDATE: Morris didn't wipe.

UPDATE: The old cough ruse.

UPDATE: Seriously, you put a three-inch piece of duct tape on my mouth, and I will have it off in seconds without using my hands.

UPDATE: OK, it just now occurred to the weenie to do that?

UPDATE: Summary: Not enough Jack. Way too much talking. One boom -- one lousy boom -- at the end. The clear action highlight was Chloe yanking Morris out of the toilet.  And of course the reinvented bra, which seems to work well. We now await the amazing Steve, who should be writing the show, if you want this blog's opinion.

GOOD NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Indonesian Mud Volcano

(Thanks to many people)

WE JUST HOPE THEY'RE NOT HEADING TOWARD US

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

IF YOU THINK YOUR DOG LOVES YOU NOW...

(Thanks to Timothy Hunt)

THERE IS NOTHING LOWER

...than a snowmobile/porch thief.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

NEW JERSEY

Leading the Nation Toward a Better Tomorrow

(Thanks to -- it goes without saying -- JerseyGirl)

MIDDLE-SCHOOL EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Siouxie)

ADVISORY TO PERSONS IN SERBIA WHO NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION

Go somewhere else.

(Thanks to diverdowndoc)

UPDATE: THE WAR AGAINST THE SQUIRRELS

Finally, a win for our team.

(Thanks to eric ewanco)  .

MEANWHILE IN IRON COUNTY

They're awarding prairie dog credits.

MISLEADING HEADLINE OF THE DAY SO FAR

After wasting 5 minutes reading this article, it turns out no one is offering to trade.

(Thanks to Jim Morse)

SHOCKEROO HEADLINE OF THE WEEK SO FAR

The other two boys are classified as "Really Heavy Users."

(Thanks to Baron vonKlyff)

IT JUST SEEMS THAT LONG

Ba-dum-bum.

(Thanks to Andrew R.)

THE BLOG HAS LEARNED 16 THINGS IN 50 YEARS

We are excited to learn that this is partly true!

(Thanks to many people, but first, Drew Harchick)

ADDENDUM: The s.b. is hoping the final sentence will be deleted; afawk, no one has permission to post that.

WHY WE LOVE GUYS

Reason Number 3.

(Thanks to Rob White)

A FLORIDA DRIVER'S LICENSE WILL SOON BE ON ITS WAY TO THIS WOMAN

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

ACCURATE, YES

Or you could just learn to pick up the damn phone.

(Thanks to Greg)

OSCARS UPDATE

I can't believe they totally shut out the talking raccoon.

THE OSCARS

I'll be on the road tonight, so I'll miss some, if not all, of the show. I'm posting this here in case you commenters wish to comment. I'll join in if I get where I'm going in time, but I don't know much about this year's nominees, because as in past years, I generally see movies with my daughter, and thus am pretty much limited to the genre known technically as "Movies Featuring Talking Raccoons."

UPDATE: THE SQUIRREL WAR AGAINST HUMANITY

We are going to have to consider nuclear weapons.

MAN'S BESSST FRIEND

AND TEEN-AGED BOYS EVERYWHERE FLOCK TO APPLY FOR AIRPORT SECURITY JOBS

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

DUCT TAPE

Is there anything it can't do?

(Thanks to tweetywill)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

Please note that Pruned Mess would not be a very good name for a rock band. But Pruned Criminal might be.

(Thanks to Bob Brogan)

NO KIDDING

(Thanks to ShadowKatmandu)

UPDATE ON THE BINDI SUE MISSING-SNAKE MYSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERY

It was all just a missnake.

(Thanks to spyrodevil)

ADVISORY FOR VISITORS TO NEW YORK CITY, LAND OF THE WILD BEAVER

Our advice is, do not attempt social dancing, and watch where you eat.

(Thanks to Ken Morgan and qsman)

THE APOCALYPSE

Any day now.

(Sent in by many people, with Boo Augustus first)

WHY THE HELL NOT?

(Thanks to Andrew Hoenig and Nachum Hurvitz)

FLORIDA WEIRDNESS MAGNET UPDATE

From my column today:

For all we know, Kato is already heading this way.

From the North Palm Beach calendar of events:

"Out of Africa:" This fundraiser by the Young Adventurers will feature celebrities David Carradine, Shelley Long, Kato Kaelin, Dan Haggerty and more at Mar-A-Lago, Palm Beach, from 6 to 11 p.m., Friday, Feb. 23. Call Terry Bomar at (561) 317-kids or visit http:/www.youngadventurers.org.

(Thanks to this blog's old friend and ex-neighbor Mr. Paul Levine, who informs this blog that when his wife got married to the man she was married to before Paul, the ceremony was performed by... Judge Larry Seidlin.)

DEFENSE MINISTER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

He's testing out some new night-vision binoculars.

(Thanks to Peter Gregory)

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

(Thanks to JerseyGirl)

FLORIDA EDUCATOR OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Mrs. Blog)

GOD HELP US IF THEY TEAM UP WITH THE SQUIRRELS

WAIT A MINUTE...

Did we blog this already? If not, why not?