MY LIFE IS COMPLETE
XM Radio has been running a promo in which Mr. Bob Dylan quotes a column I wrote back in 1994 when Mr. Bruce Springsteen risked destroying his career by singing and playing (my guitar!) with the Rock Bottom Remainders. Below is a link to the audio of Mr. Dylan, and the original column.
THE MIAMI HERALD
Copyright (c) 1994, The Miami Herald
DAVE BARRY Herald Columnist
GLORY DAYS
Bruce Springsteen played my guitar. I am not making this up. It was the high point of my musical life. It was even better than the time when, for a few minutes, I was in the same airport as Ray Charles. I am never going to wash my guitar again. (Not that I ever did before.)
I should explain that I belong to a band called the Rock Bottom Remainders. It consists mostly of writers. The original concept was that people who spend all their time writing would enjoy a chance to express their musical talent. The flaw here is that most of us don't have any musical talent. So we compensate by playing amplified instruments loud enough to affect the weather. Also we stick to songs that are so well known that even when WE play them, people sometimes recognize them.
For example, we play Louie Louie, an extremely well-known song. You know how scientists have been trying fruitlessly for years to contact alien beings by broadcasting radio signals to outer space? Well, I think they should broadcast Louie Louie. I bet alien beings would immediately recognize this song and broadcast a response ("PLAY SOMETHING ELSE").
For a change of pace, the Rock Bottom Remainders also play Wild Thing, a song performed in a style known to classical musicians as "molto accelerando con carne," which means "basically the same as Louie Louie." We employ two powerful musical weapons when we perform this song. One is Roy Blount Jr., a great humor writer who has the raw natural musical talent of a soldering iron.
We give Roy two vocal solos in Wild Thing. At the end of the first verse, the band pauses dramatically, and Roy is supposed to say, "I LOVE you"; at the end of the second verse, he's supposed to say, "You MOVE me." These two lines are Roy's sole musical responsibility for the entire night, and he takes it seriously, pacing around before the performance, muttering his lines over and over to himself. So when we get to the end of the first verse, we stop, and everybody turns expectantly to Roy, waiting for him to say "I LOVE you," and Roy, frowning with deep concentration, inevitably says: "You MOVE me." And then the rest of us, in a smooth professional manner, stagger around and try not to wet our pants.
Our other big musical weapon on Wild Thing is Joel Selvin, a writer and rock critic for The San Francisco Chronicle, who plays a flute solo, using a plastic flute that looks like the kind you get from gum ball machines, only cheaper. Joel, like most of your top international flute players, learned this
solo by watching an instructional videotape at home. The problem is, when he gets on stage with the band, he tends to get nervous and blow REALLY HARD, so that instead of notes, the flute emits a series of extremely high-pitched squeaks, like a gerbil that fell into a french-fry machine. Sometimes Joel's entire solo is above the range of human hearing. He'll be wailing away, his face red, his fingers moving in the manner prescribed by the videotape, and it looks really dramatic, but nobody can hear anything. Meanwhile, for hundreds of miles around, dogs are jerking their heads up and thinking: "Hey! Somebody's playing Wild Thing!"
I play lead guitar in this band. My sole musical qualification is that I am slightly more experienced than the guy who plays rhythm guitar, Stephen King, well-known author of children's books (The Little Engine That Could Sneak Into Your Room At Night And Eat Your Eyes). Stephen has a custom-made black guitar with little white mother-of-pearl spiders crawling up the neck. One time I was showing him how to play a certain chord, and I pointed at a spot on the neck and said, "Put your finger here," and he said, "Oh, on THAT spider."
In May the Rock Bottom Remainders performed at a party in Los Angeles at the annual convention of the American Booksellers Association. It went very well. The audience members were receptive, by which I mean they had been drinking. Some people got so receptive that they demanded an encore, so we decided to play Gloria, which we like because it's even simpler to play than Louie Louie. You can throw a guitar off a cliff, and as it bounces off rocks on the way down, it will, all by itself, play Gloria.
So we went back on stage, and I picked up one of the two guitars I'd been using, and just as we were about to start, Stephen King tapped me on the shoulder and said, "We have a special guest." I turned around, and there was Bruce Springsteen. I still don't know how he came to be at this convention; I don't believe he's a bookseller. All I know is, he was picking up the other
guitar. My guitar.
"Bruce," I said to him. "Do you know the guitar part to Gloria?"
This is like asking James Michener if he knows how to write his name.
"I think so," he said.
So we played Gloria, and I say in all modesty that it was the best version of that song ever played in the history of the world, going back thousands of years. I would shout, "G . . . L . . . O . . . R . . .
I-I-I-I-I-A"; and the band, including Bruce Springsteen, would respond "GLORIA!"; and the crowd would scream as only truly receptive booksellers can scream. I could have died happy right then.
Anyway, now I'm back in my office, tapping at my computer, being a columnist again. But from time to time my mind drifts back to that night, remembering how it sounded. I haven't polled the other members of the Remainders, but I think we would definitely let Bruce join the band, if he wrote a book.
I would even let him play lead guitar.
(Thanks to Andy the TropicHunt.com guy for the audio clip)
(Also thanks to Marty Merzer, who was the second person to supply the audio clip and who is whining in the comments about not getting credit DESPITE the fact that I put a link to the XM site up there, and Marty is to XM as Tom Cruise is to Scientology, to put it mildly.)
NOTE: Below it says "posted by judi," but this was actually posted by Dave, with a lot of Technical Support from judi.
awesome. talk about glory days.
Posted by: crossgirl | January 11, 2007 at 03:51 PM
oops, missed where the title of the article was glory days. and here i thought i was so clever. hangs head in shame and slinks from room.
Posted by: crossgirl | January 11, 2007 at 03:52 PM
Way COOL! I remember reading this article on the RBR's website.
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 03:59 PM
Very nice. Although I am a Sirius subscriber.
Posted by: Drew | January 11, 2007 at 04:00 PM
where are all those people who say they cannot understand anything Dylan says (or sings)now?
hi senior citizen status may be showing a bit as he confusedthrowing "a guitar off a cliff" with throw a guitar down some stairs. but, what the hell. he's Dylan, after all.
psst Dave, you're famous. that means even famous people know about you.
Posted by: rickh | January 11, 2007 at 04:02 PM
Around 1971, as a kid on the new fangled 747, the nice stewardess lady [that's what they called transvestites, then] said I could climb the spiral staircase into the upstairs lounge. Where they had a baby grand piano! And Stevie Wonder was playing it!
I watched as Stevie fell down the spiral staircase and it sounded just like 'Superstition!' OK, I made that last part up.
Posted by: CJrun | January 11, 2007 at 04:03 PM
*snork* at CJrun
Posted by: ubetcha | January 11, 2007 at 04:05 PM
Lemme get this straight... Dave wrote a book?
Why wasn't I informed of this?
Posted by: random thunking | January 11, 2007 at 04:05 PM
snorking Mountain Dew at CJ.....even (especially) if you made it up.
Posted by: sthnbelle | January 11, 2007 at 04:06 PM
(Thanks to Andy thr TropciHunt.com guy for the audio clip)
I am so hurt, crushed, emotionally Destrade (first base!). :)
Posted by: Marty | January 11, 2007 at 04:13 PM
All right, Marty. You can uncurl from the fetal position now.
Posted by: Dave | January 11, 2007 at 04:21 PM
Yes, I feel MUCH better now.
(Was glad to help. No small thing, being quoted by Dylan.)
Posted by: Marty | January 11, 2007 at 04:30 PM
*sniff* If not for the Blog and his blog (and his books), I don't know what I'd do. I miss your weekly (new) columns, Dave.
Posted by: MOTW | January 11, 2007 at 04:30 PM
That's a great read! Must have been a real shock to turn around and see Bruce standing right there!
So, did you have the guitar framed?
Posted by: Steve (The 24 guy) | January 11, 2007 at 04:31 PM
WOW DaveBarry!!!
I am so PROUD of you, and happy for you too.
You must feel like I did when I got to meet DAVEBARRY---
Love to all,
Grammaw
Posted by: marina_like_a_boatdock | January 11, 2007 at 04:37 PM
Dave,
I must say your life truly is complete now. What else is left? Maybe you should just go be a syndicated newspaper columnist and relax for the rest of your days. (please, please, please, please, please, please)
Posted by: Writer's Cramp | January 11, 2007 at 04:42 PM
Ditto to writer dudes request.
Posted by: Cheryl Howard | January 11, 2007 at 04:45 PM
Dave, You're a rock star!
May I ask a few questions? Does RBR take requests? Does RBR know any Rush? When is the next tour stop in KC?
And the most important: Did you have any skid marks when you "played" with The Boss?
Inquiring minds want to know........... And mine too!
Posted by: Meditrina | January 11, 2007 at 04:45 PM
Dave,
I honestly believe this experince deserves a full column. Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please, Pretty Please.
Thank you
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 04:46 PM
So... People think being a columnist is relaxing?
Posted by: Dave | January 11, 2007 at 04:50 PM
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 04:50 PM
BE STILL MY HEART! a simul with the Blog???
If I may be so bold as to quote him:
"My Life is Now Complete"
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 04:53 PM
Well... isn't it? I mean... I'm keeping a semi-straight face while typing this?
Posted by: Writer's Cramp | January 11, 2007 at 04:53 PM
Has anyone ever bothered to quiz Van Morrison to see if dropping his guitar was how he came to write that song?
And by the way, I had some friends in high school who had a garage band that could carry a tune. Not far, but they carried it.
They would do like a 27 minute cover of "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" and I swear the title was the only lyrics they knew. They liked me, though, after I suggested moving the cars OUT of the garage before they played. They thought I was a musical genius....
Posted by: Clark Kent | January 11, 2007 at 04:53 PM
ok...so I misquoted.
sue me!
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 04:54 PM
How can you say a columnist's life is relaxing? Did you see that hellhole island, St. Bart's, that he just came back from? Let the poor man rest.
PS. Please, oh please, write more columns.
ISIAMNTU: I had a coworker look over my shoulder when I was blogging the other day. Her comment? "Dave Barry, I thought he was dead."
Posted by: Hammond Rye | January 11, 2007 at 05:00 PM
By the way Dave, did you hear that the minimum wage had gone up by like $2.10 an hour? This may have priced you and The Remainders out of the band gigs, so really I'm thinking syndicated newspaper columnist is the only choice for a fulfilled guy like you.
Posted by: Writer's Cramp | January 11, 2007 at 05:01 PM
I am dead. Please alert the IRS.
Posted by: Dave | January 11, 2007 at 05:02 PM
Dave plays guitar?
Posted by: Punkin Poo | January 11, 2007 at 05:03 PM
Dear IRS,
Dave Barry is dead, but Bob Dylan mentioned him on XM Radio so it's okay.
Sincerely,
Writer's Cramp
Dear Writer's Cramp,
Dave has been published. He will still be taxed. Bob Dylan is alive?
Thanks,
IRS
Posted by: Writer's Cramp | January 11, 2007 at 05:06 PM
Dave, make sure they bury you soon. You don't wanna be like James Brown. Poor guy's still laying around in a coffin somewhere and it's been like, what? a month since he died?
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 05:06 PM
I have XM radio and I haven't heard the promo - anyone know what channel it's on?
We heard the Rock Bottom Remainders this past year when you were in Dallas. I don't remember Gloria, but that doesn't mean you didn't play it. Hubby says even he could play Gloria!
Posted by: ScooterRocky | January 11, 2007 at 05:08 PM
Here lies Dave Barry and lies and lies and lies.
P.S.
He never slept with a ugly woman.
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 05:08 PM
Glad to help out, Dave/judi!
Sorry to have beat ya to it, Marty. :) It was a race, from what I understand. 8)
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 05:09 PM
That was a Groucho Marx btw.
8^)
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 05:10 PM
Once again, my fellow Bearded Pigs and I look up to you and your crew with awe and wonder. (http://beardedpigs.org/main.html)
Posted by: T Scott | January 11, 2007 at 05:10 PM
Oh and I hate to break it to ya, Dave....but haven't you ever heard about the "death tax"???
no rest for the taxpayer
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 05:10 PM
Throws a quote up to myself
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 05:11 PM
Oh, Dave? Or judi? Can you change my attribution to be TropicHunt.com guy? (from "TropciHunt.com guy")
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 05:11 PM
geez, Andy..picky picky picky!
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 05:14 PM
The late Douglas Adams once said, "The key to writing humor is the ability to stare at a blank piece of paper until your forehead bleeds."
Stressful? Nah!
Posted by: Patrick O | January 11, 2007 at 05:17 PM
*WHINE*
I tried to be the tropcihunt.com guy, but it didn't work out. In addition, the folks at tropcihunt.com sued me when I tried to use the ™. It's not my fault that I tried to comply with Dave's typo!
(Yes, all that happened that fast!)
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 05:17 PM
*tosses up some cheese to go with that whine*
Posted by: Siouxie | January 11, 2007 at 05:18 PM
Scooter, you can hear it when they go to commercial break on the Headline News channel. I don't hear it at night, but anytime between 7am - 5pm Eastern it should play atleast twice an hour.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 05:19 PM
Wow! Bruce Springsteen must have been so psyched to meet The Dave Barry! It was probably the best day of his life! That sound bite is too funny!
Posted by: Beppie | January 11, 2007 at 05:20 PM
fixed.
Posted by: judi | January 11, 2007 at 05:20 PM
I met the guy who used to date a girl who slept with a guy in Bruce Springsteen's band.
Anybody want my autograph?
Posted by: Punkin Poo | January 11, 2007 at 05:26 PM
I'll take one if you'll use a Sharpie and wear boots with four-inch heels.
Posted by: CJrun | January 11, 2007 at 05:50 PM
Link doesn't work on my 'puter b/c something is wrong w/quicktime...can anyone transpose Bob's remarks here?
Posted by: Guin | January 11, 2007 at 05:50 PM
Punkin was it Max Weinberg because he is cool!!!
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 06:20 PM
Please ignore my cool link. I was trying to link to naked manatee.com It is a on going funny thing that Conan O'Brien is doing. However I am at work and typed the url from memory and I failed. I would try again but I dont want the people around here going why is he trying to go to naked manatee sites at work.
Posted by: Addicted to 24 | January 11, 2007 at 06:23 PM
Maybe it's just me, but I thought the point of paying for sat radio was to NOT hear commercials (no matter how cool they may be).
Posted by: bert | January 11, 2007 at 06:24 PM
Bert: It was on the Headline News channel, not a music station.
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 06:31 PM
For Guin:
[something like]"Dave Barry said that if you drop a guitar down a flight of stairs, it will play 'Gloria.' Let's see *thump, twang, twang twang* Wow! Waddaya know?"
Posted by: CJrun | January 11, 2007 at 06:33 PM
ah, thanks for clearing that up, tropichuntguy.
Posted by: bert | January 11, 2007 at 06:35 PM
One word...ultracool!
Posted by: snif | January 11, 2007 at 07:20 PM
"Whoa!" [holds up bic lighter in tribute].
Posted by: Lairbo | January 11, 2007 at 07:27 PM
well, i hesitate to point this out, but the blog's life is NOT complete, because he has yet to get adam duritz to go out with me. which somewhere along the line, i'm SURE he said was right up there in the top 5 of his list of Things That Will Make My Life Complete.
Posted by: judi | January 11, 2007 at 07:37 PM
who the hell needs Adam whatisname when you have an oosik? Not just any old oosik, but one that you can dress up and take pics of?
Posted by: casey | January 11, 2007 at 07:49 PM
Judi... have you watched 'My Name Is Earl?' Crabman bears a resemblance to Duritz, so there's that.
Posted by: CJrun | January 11, 2007 at 08:29 PM
Wow, Dave! Really,that's cool. Its understandable that you think you have died and gone to heaven, but I don't think the IRS necessarily knows who Bob Dylan is (unless he forgets to pay his taxes too).
Posted by: artchick | January 11, 2007 at 08:41 PM
Adam Duritz, judi? Awwww, c'mon...you can do better than him! Why lower yourself to his level?!? 8)
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 11, 2007 at 08:46 PM
By the way, 24, it's www.hornymanatee.com. If I spelled that right. I'm always mispelling horny.
Posted by: Beppie | January 11, 2007 at 10:38 PM
Btw, nice work, THG, getting that quote that mentions Dave. :-)
Posted by: Steve (The 24 Guy) | January 11, 2007 at 10:51 PM
Wow. Raising the bar on what's cool.
And I guess good writing just makes it seem effortless.
Posted by: Lisa Bisa Fo Fisa | January 11, 2007 at 11:36 PM
Once I dropped a deuce and it sounded like a Yoko Ono record.
Posted by: Stevie W | January 12, 2007 at 01:29 AM
I realize this might make me a persona non grata (stupid person who no one likes), but Bruce sounds like he stubs his toe just before going on stage and regularly drops his guitar on them to keep the performance up to par.
Dave, you can try it the next time you perform one of his songs, or take advantage of an impromptu practice it late at night when you stub your toe on the coffee table that Judy moved that afternoon...
"Booorrr*&()*#&#**nnnn inn&#%#&*$&#$nnn thuuuu%$$%^#&* yooo^(%(*#&$uuuu ess#%#%(#%sss%^(%*#( aaaiiiiiiiii..."
Posted by: beaniehampton | January 12, 2007 at 06:07 AM
stevie, a little fiber coulda fixed that right up.
Posted by: Siouxie | January 12, 2007 at 07:20 AM
The commercial has been on XM'x XCountry station (12) for over a week. I thought about sending it in, but that would have meant I'd have to do something, so I didn't.
But I thought about it.
Posted by: rita | January 12, 2007 at 08:32 AM
XM's
Posted by: rita | January 12, 2007 at 08:34 AM
It all sounds like a dream, one problem for me, what is Bruce Springstein doing at a booksellers convention?
Posted by: Lulu | January 12, 2007 at 09:01 AM
I believe Dave addressed that issue in the column:
"I still don't know how he came to be at this convention; I don't believe he's a bookseller."
Posted by: ceeg22 | January 12, 2007 at 09:42 AM
I heard the XM ad this morning on the drive to work. Didn't understand any of what Bob was saying but I did wonder if he was talking about Dave.
Posted by: Olo Baggins of Bywater | January 12, 2007 at 10:55 AM
OBoB: No, he wasn't talking about Dave at all. You can ignore everything that we've said above; we're all rambling. Like Bob.
8)
Posted by: tropichunt.com guy™ | January 12, 2007 at 01:26 PM
andy, thanks, but adam is god. or as juliet said, 'the god of my idolatry' :)
Posted by: judi | January 12, 2007 at 02:09 PM
Dave,
Would you guys like to record an album? I'll provide the studio and the studio expertise for free. It'd be fun enough for me to meet you losers.
No, I'm serious. You guys are BIG losers.
Posted by: Carl Franklin | January 12, 2007 at 04:32 PM
Please please please write more columns! How about just 1 every month? For the sanity of your fans?
Posted by: Kristina L. | January 13, 2007 at 01:34 PM