Dave Barry's Blog

SURE, WHY NOT?

(Thanks to mirah)

NO THANKS! WE'LL JUST WET OUR PANTS.

(Thanks to Ken)

FUNERAL GOT YOU DOWN?

Cheer up! We've got dead squirrels!

(Thanks to Joe Wells and Russell Mc)

WHO SAYS NOBODY WRITES GOOD LITERATURE ANY MORE?

Not this blog.

(Thanks to Bill Bauer)

IS THAT A WAND IN HIS POCKET?

(Thanks to Drew Harchick)

ATTENTION, CUBICLE PERSONNEL

You need this.

(Via Gizmodo; Thanks to Neil G.)

NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SEGMENT

I looked out my office window this morning, and there was this ibis egret big white bird, so I went out and took a picture with my non-CrapCam™ camera:

After a minute he she the bird decided to boogie.

IF THIS BLOG HAD TO PICK A FAVORITE PLAYER IN THE SUPER BOWL...

...there is no doubt who it would be.

(Thanks to cheeseman)

LOST OR STOLEN: PUNCTUATION MARKS AND A BRAND NEW, NEVER-USED SENSE OF HUMOR

If found, please return to Denver. No questions asked.

Dear Mr. Barry

Your correct Denver will probably never host a Super Bowl.
But that is fine with us we would rather watch our team play in the game.
Unlike the dolphins the Broncos goal is always the same Super bowl or bust.
The Dolphins seem happy just to finish the season.
You Might try visiting our fair city seems many people relocate here al the time.
Denver Fan
John Frantz

IMPORTANT TOILET SUPER BOWL INFORMATION

Key Quote, Possibly Referring to Prince: Remove small items near the bowl that could fall in and cause a clog.

(Thanks to mm)

A DAY OF MOURNING

Mozart lost one of his manhoods.

SNAKES IN THE NEWS

Some are freezing; some are snacking on (yum!) toad venom.

MORE ON SUPER BOWL MEDIA DAY

Here is a thorough report.

SUPER BOWL MEDIA DAY: A CRAPCAM&trade PERSPECTIVE

I'll have a column tomorrow providing a detailed report on Super Bowl Media Day. But here are some CrapCam&trade photos I took today.

I drove up to the stadium with my sportswriterette wife, Michelle, and we expected it would take forever on Interstate 95, but we got behind the Chicago Bears buses, which were being escorted by motorcycle police, so we zipped on up there. Michelle took this exclusive photo out the window:

Inside the stadium we could interview the players. I generally do not do this, because they scare me. This is as close as I wanted to get to Brian Urlacher.

By federal law, whenever you get large numbers of sports media persons together, you have to have food.

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE DAY SO FAR

(Thanks to DavCat)

UPDATE, also from DavCat: Now we are not so certain who should hold that title.

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

(Thanks to Ian Clark)

ADVISORY

Sorry for the lack of blogging today, but I am with the press hordes at Super Bowl Media Day. I can report that there are large individuals on both teams, and everybody is focused on winning the big game, which will take place this weekend, most likely Sunday. This has been your Super Bowl update.

A STINGING REBUTTAL

"He's not the first media pundit from a Third World Country to take a shot at me, and certainly he won't be the last."

24

Here is where we stand:

Last week we found out that the creepy bald scotch-drinking Bluetooth-wearing puppetmaster guy from last season is JACK'S BROTHER (!), whose name is Graham, which is spelled Graem. Graem has a hot wife who has Not Gotten Over Jack. They have a son who does not look like Graem, if you catch my drift. Jack went over to Graem's house and, after a few pleasantries, punched him out and began torturing him with a plastic bag, which was pretty much the action highlight last week, unless you count a helicopter falling off a roof, which we do not.

Jack needs to torture Graem because their father -- that's right, JACK'S FATHER (!!) -- has something to do with these pesky nuclear bombs that these pesky terrorists are setting off.  And we know from last week's previews that the father is Farmer Arthur Hoggett, the guy who rescued Babe the pig.

Meanwhile U.S. President Gary Payton of Your World Champion Miami Heat is turning out to be the least-effective president the nation has ever had on 24 since the last one. His staff apparently consists of two advisors. No matter what happens, the two of them immediately start arguing in Wooden DialogueSpeak, and instead of telling them to put a sock in it so the plot can get going again in the form of Jack committing acts of violence anti-terrorism, President Payton just sits there, with the expression of a man who is either undecided or severely constipated, until the commercial break.

I'm hoping for things to pick up this week, but I'm also hoping that they don't pick up too quickly, because Mrs. Blog, a sportswriter, is off interviewing Indianapolis Colts tonight, which means I have to put Sophie to bed, which means when the torture resumes I may still be reading (speaking of torture)  Fox in Socks. But I will get here as soon as I can. In the meantime, I will be counting on you folks to remain vigilant.

UPDATE: Not the arguing advisors! Sheesh.

UPDATE: Are they going to kill Karen? I'm OK with that.

UPDATE: OK, I have no idea what is going on. Who's McCarthy?

UPDATE: Dad is looking for McCarthy! Whoever that is.

UPDATE: I bet that, when they were kids, Jack was always giving Graeme noogies.

UPDATE: I think a perimeter could be coming...

UPDATE: Morris said "perimeter." Then BILL said "perimeter."

UPDATE: WHO IS MCCARTHY? AND WHAT IS BXJ? Maybe I need more beer. 

UPDATE Oh, wait. Is the Brit guy with the bimbo McCarthy?

UPDATE: I know I have asked this before, but: Doesn't it seem odd that there is so little panic in the streets of Los Angeles following a nuclear freaking explosion?

UPDATE: Nadia has been flagged! And she's a REGISTERED REPUBLICAN.

UPDATE: Sandra is lucky she's Gary Payton's sister, because she is really annoying.

UPDATE: So the Ally McBeal guy is running the country.

UPDATE: Yes! Get in the ring with her!

UPDATE: Man. How long has it been since there was any real violence counterterrorim on this show? I'm starting to miss the cannisters.

UPDATE: So wait... they think she might be a security risk, so they gave her a slower processor?

UPDATE: Sure, just barge right in on President Payton!

UPDATE: OK, please wake me up when there is some sense of urgency about THE NUCLEAR FREAKING ATTACK.

UPDATE: I love it when they say "niner"

UPDATE: You would think the guys in the lockup would start a game of dodgeball or something.

UPDATE: Do we think Walid is dead meat?

UPDATE: Well, that was violent, but not in a good way.

UPDATE: OK, our last hope for excitement tonight is whatever happens with Jack and Graem and Farmer Hoggett.

UPDATE: Jack laughs at your little "security system."

UPDATE: "Hi dad!"

UPDATE: I just wish one of them would look at the camera for, like, 30 seconds, and clearly explain who McCarthy is.

UPDATE: He aint heavyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

UPDATE: He doublecrossed Farmer Hoggett! That little poop!

UPDATE: Wow. That was... unsatisfying. Good look, Amazing Steve.

WHY WE NEED GUYS

When guys see something that needs to be done, they do it.

(Thanks to Mary Klaebel)

WHEN GUNS ARE PERMITTED...

...outlaws in Florida will have permits.

(Thanks to Snif)

YIKES

(Thanks to pogo)

JUST WHAT WE NEED

(Thanks to bookbabie)

DUCKSICLE UPDATE

Brought to you by a perky news team and many alert Perky readers

ADVICE TO MIAMI MOTORISTS

Be careful whose car you hit.

TALK ABOUT YOUR TONGUE-LASHING

We only hope The Blog will not be too embarrassed.

Dave you are so illinformed.
Let me enlighten you and your readers.
The reason we(Denver)can`t have a superbowl here is we don`t have a closed in stadium. You see here in Colorado it snows.
You can`t hold a Super bowl where there could be a chance it would snow or just be cold cause you see, it is all about money and money would be lost if the ganstas i mean players couldn`t show boat around town for a couple weeks before the game.
That is equivlant of me asking you where your ski runs are and why Miami will never host a winter olympic.
Tancredo never said Miami looks like a third world country. He said parts of it resemble a third world country but translated to looney leftys that means the whole state. Nice twist. We have a writer up here that writes the same way,(Mike Littwin,Rocky Mountain News), he never tells the truth .He just twist`s it till it fit`s his smear campaign, just like you. I hope your readers don`t get their info. from you because it is a flat out lie.

Darren

ATTENTION, PARENTS

Time to emigrate.

(Thanks to Alfredo)

GRANDSON-IN-LAW OF THE WEEK SO FAR

Clearly, this man is a fan of Chloe.

(Thanks to Jeff Meyerson)

WHY FLORIDA IS NOT LIKE OTHER PLACES, REASON 2,038

Python registration.

THE APOCALYPSE CAN'T BE FAR OFF NOW

(Thanks to Laura Mooney)

SNAKES ON A TAKE ONE STEP CLOSER AND YOU DIE

(Thanks to many vertical readers)

WELCOME, MIDWESTERNERS VISITING MIAMI FOR THE SUPER BOWL

This is our best behavior. Really.

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

(Thanks to Ted Habte-Gabr)

ATTENTION, PEOPLE PLANNING TO COME TO MIAMI FOR THE SUPER BOWL

We welcome you.

ALL KINDS OF CRITTERS ON A PLANE

Key Quote: The married couple however denied smuggling the pet snake which was spotted by a horrified passenger on the floor of the aircraft but admitted to illegally importing forty-six baby rats whom they stored in a box, hidden inside a backpack they carried into the plane.

A LITTLE MORE ON ART B.

Here's a nice essay Ridley wrote about our visit with Art last summer.

MORE FROM MALAYSIA, LAND OF THINGS GOING ON

The 11-dog-eating snake has been captured.

(Thanks to Wes von Papineäu, who asks, "How does one tie a snake to a tree?")

WE HATE IT WHEN THIS HAPPENS

An attack of toenail stones.

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

UPDATE ON MOZART THE ERECT IGUANA

It looks bad.

(Thanks to everyone)

SOMEHOW WE THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A BIGGER STORY

They found Bigfoot.

(Thanks to Sara Jacobsen)

PERKY NEWS TEAM ITEM OF THE DAY

We'll give you perky!

(Thanks to everyone in the known universe)

AND HE CALLS THE POLICE?!?!

That is to say, umm...And he calls the police! Of course. As any law-abiding citizen would do.

(Thanks to Andy the tropichunt.com guy)

BEST FIRST SENTENCE IN A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE TODAY SO FAR

(Thanks to jon harris)

THIS STORY RAISES TWO QUESTIONS

1. Is there anybody in the movie industry who is not annoying?

2. Is is possible to make a movie without, in some way, involving Kevin Bacon?

(Thanks to Ted "Hollywood" Habte-Gabr)

WOOF

MAYBE SHE'S VISITING HER LOVED ONES

CRIME IN AUSTRALIA

Nobody is safe.

(Thanks to DavCat14)

WHY WAS THIS BLOG NOT INFORMED?

The governor of Idaho is named Butch Otter.

FOR THOSE WHO REALLY LOVE NEW YORK

(Thanks to Michael McNelis)

A MESSAGE TO THE NATIONAL RESTAURANT ASSOCIATION

This is a pretty accurate impression, here on planet Earth.

(Thanks to Kristina L.)

A note to bloglits: Email is not getting through to us today, so please be patient!