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December 22, 2006


Things are getting very ugly.


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Sure. They can go after the soft targets, but the bocken endures. Lazy vandals.

I was stabbed in the goshen once. Thank goodness the leather chaps saved me.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the blog
Not a creature was stirring, except my old dog
who curled by the fire, his tongue wet and swift,
and gave himself a “yule bath” if you get my drift.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While crystals of Ritalin danced in their heads;
And mamma in her slippers and tattered old housecoat,
lay prone and snored in a haze of Doral smoke.
I lay down myself, and was very nearly sleeping
when out from the study I heard such a beeping
that I ran down the hallway, and stopped at the door
as a voice said “You’ve got mail”, and then, “you’ve got more”.
There were messages from Sweden, Thailand and France
A potion to make Johnson rip right through my pants
Prescription drugs that I could add to my stash
A Nigerian fellow with oodles of cash
There was so much data! Too much information!
My PC was clogged with profane execration!
What once was a tool for efficient communication
had become nothing more than a digital vexation!
While deleting missives wholesale, to my bloodshot eye appears
A curious sight, a chubby elf with pointed hat and ears
A regular-size laptop he had strapped on his back,
And a wireless modem peeked out of his sack.
His eyes -- how they shifted! his hands never still!
His breath extraordinary ! my dog would be ill!
when I saw that e-mailed at a lightning fast pace,
and the poop-eating grin that wrinkled his face,
“You are the source of this cyber-space wasteland!
The King of all spammers who ever did spam!”
While I thus sputtered and fumed at him vainly
He said “first amendment” and flipped me off plainly.
My mama had taught me, that’s not “number one”
I knew in an instant just what must be done
Tho ‘tis a sad world, this’ll make it one better
and shoved him willy-first into the shredder.
I couldn’t dispatch the crapweasel completely,
a little too buzzed I was and he broke free
He ran behind my monitor and as he escaped
He sent me three emails about low mortgage rates
So, all ‘round the world on this eve of Christmas
As we dream our dreams and hold on to our wishes
My holiday gift to all my blog friends then this is:
At least it really burns when he pisses.

BRAVO, mud! You are just ON FIRE today!

mud, you need to check those dosages.

I don't know about Frosty and Santa, but Elmo needed assassination!!! Evil! Vile! Almost as bad as Barney (and Baron vonTwoYearOld loves him).

Mud, you must have nothing at all do do at work to be able to pen such eloquent and well thought out fare with such regularity. Let's all hope that they never give you any real work to do.

damn mud! that was amazing!! we're not worthy....

about that article, wonders how christmas and karma got into the same quote.


mud, so he's really Spama Claus, right?

mud - you da man. i still think that your medication needs to be increased, but you have a unique and wonderful condition. you must publish!

Mud - words escape me.

*snork* at shanked Santa.

thanks. i don't think it will surprise anyone if i confess that i'm addicted to positive feedback from the blog. i'm such an insecure weiner that i actually sit here and stew over whether or not i'm over doing it - afraid that if i post too many poems the blog will turn on me - (i remember when one young fellow did just that - you older bloggers will remeber the night of the "bacon-cheese donut frenzy" back in '03 - what an ugly thing) and no, it is not so much slow at work as it is that i am slow at work, having an extreme case of vacationitis, and a touch of kissmyassimouttahere-ia. also, that last poem was written in '04. I asked MOTW and she found it, being clever and resourceful, props to the lady.

*silently standing in awe, lit cell phone in one hand, lit bic in the other*

*applauds Mud*

(I love poems where bad things happen to spammers.)

Wow, mud, just...wow! Clement Clarke Moore must be spinning in his grave right about now, which is adequate compensation for saddling us with that original claptrap for 180+ years.

Back to the story -

"It's Christmas," Beach explained. "And it's all right, karma will come back and get them."

How much you wanna bet Karma is a pit bull that Mr. Beach is planning to employ for protection?

Adds flaming bocken to honor mud.

I don't really agree with the violence associated with a decapitated snow person or a shanked santa, but I still love love love the idea of the reindeer being placed in compromising positions.....I have a neighbor with a warped sense of humor & reindeer on the lawn....thinkin about sneakin over tonite...

Do you think I will be placed on the naughty list?

mud - don't stop! I, for one, cannot possible be offended.

no way casey, you can get a grant from the federal government or the NEA for 'modern, interpretational art'. just think, you'll be rich! hey, if maplethorpe can do it, so can you.

taking time off my very busy schedule today to add my applause to the mudster! awesome awesome awesome!!!

(pssst...was listening to your Christmas Song this morning too...made my drive almost pleasant...thank you!)

mud - a huge eggnog-y snork to you.... that was awesome. and merry holidays and happy christmas to all...

Heck, casey, I was considering getting some reindeer for the purpose of placing them in compromising positions.

"Dasher on Donner on Comet on Blitzen... oh, my."

haha Clean! very funny....never thought about that. I'll wait for an after Xmas sale at the Dollar Store and save up for next year.

BTW, I replied to your helpful information on the japanese thread.

Azred, nice to see ya, seems like you disappeared for a while.

All this vandalization of decorations has really put me in the Christmas spirit! WooooHoooo, happy happy happy holidays to all of ya!

mudstuffin...inspiring, truly inspiring...

this heartwarming, very short video makes (I think) a nice companion piece to your epic poem.

And the true spirit of Christmas that it portrays counters the negative images of the slashed snowmen etc.


Merry Christmas, all...


It's another Christmas miracle! The Japanese has captured a live giant squid on film for the first time ever!!!!



AFKAT, hysterical!!!!

Does it count as capturing a live squid on film if they were in the process of killing it? Cuz its dead now.

That's what makes it calamari, artchick! Mmm - two-foot-wide calamari rings. Dangit, I'm drooling again.

I thought it was funny that the scientists used calamari to capture more calamari. Even the calamari cant resist calamari! sluuuurrrrrppppp!

Attn: Mrs. H.
Perfect gift idea for hubby this holiday - large supply of bibs. Seems to be using a lot of them lately...

AFKAT, loved the video!

*snork* @ ec. If I were to mention that to her, though, I'm pretty sure that I'd get one of those "okay, you're doing your own laundry" looks. That or she'd want to know what the bloggals were really saying to get me drooling like that.

yeah, i think that does it for me - i'm off to the japanese grocery to buy some sashimi for dinner.

i may blog intermittently for the next ten days but probably not.

I think someone said something like this last night - even though y'all are virtual friends my real-life friends get tired of hearing about you, because i talk about you all the time. this is true for me as well. so, without irony, sarcasm or double entendre, i wish you all the warmth joy and love that is the real gift of this season. (for those of you with crazy familys i wish patience and percocet.)

Mud, enjoy your din-din. Have a marvelous holiday!

{{hugs}} for mud.

Best of the season to you, Mud, and please keep the poetry and prose coming. You've inspired me to ask everyone I know from Ohio, 'What the hell's in the water in Dayton?' I understand about those near and dear sighing over yet another tale told of bloglit genius. The galpal has started reading this blog in self-defense. To you and all the rest, Merry Christmas and Good Night. What? It's only early afternoon? Oh, crap.

Whoo! We're closing up shop at 3:00 today!! A Merry Christmas, indeed!

well Merry Christmas to all those Grinches out there!! And especially to all you lovely bloggers, making work more bearable, one post at a time.

Merry Christmas, Mud, and kudos to you! Loved your Christmas contribution!

And speaking of Christmas contributions, I missed posting on the thread yesterday where everyone was talking about how great the folks on the blog are, and how much fun we have here. I'd like to echo those sentiments wholeheartedly, and in the spirit of the season, offer this to the blog and all its inhabitants: *ahem*

Christmas strumpeting and mincemeat pie
Cold drinks snorking out your nose
Jack Bauer shooting terrorists in the thigh
And folks creating poems and prose

Everybody knows a camel and a pig to throw
Help to make Dave’s blog delight
Tiny bats with their eyes all aglow
Sleep in your Christmas tree tonight.

We know that Dave’s posts have cache
Exploding cows and snakes and squirrels he’ll display
And every blogger’s head is gonna turn
To see if Gavle’s Goat will finally burn

And so, I’m offering this heartfelt praise
To Dave, Judi, and bloglits too
Although it’s been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas to you!

bravo mud!

("Psycho Killer" -Talking Heads)

You just can't seem to make up for the fact
Your fence is worthless 'gainst my attacks
I don't sleep 'cause of your canned music choir
I'll keep your 'lectric bill from gettin' much higher!

Santa killer
Qu'est-que ce?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho home wrecker
fun fun fun fun fun fun fun goes away!

you started with a little creche and i didn't say anything
now you got elmo's one of the friggin' wise men!
just 'cause my lawn is empty, i'm a good person
our neighborhood don't need another winter wonderland!

(repeat chorus)

I just started reading the blog this year because of the almighty Jack Bauer, but I was happy to find some many other productivity enhancing conversations. So I would also like to wish everyone a Happy Holiday and maybe next year i'll start posting more. Now its off to my friend's Christmas party to get drunk and then tomorrow I get to actually start shopping.

Ducky, I love it!!!

YAY Ducky!!! Excellent!

Thanks! Y'all are the best!

I'm thinkin' 'karma' should be local-speak for a poised pellet rifle...

*snork* at the deer-in-action concept! We already did that here in the office, with little wind-up walking penguins. When they slow down they sorta go into hump-mode...

Fabulous, Ducky! :-D

casey - I did disappear. I ran off and got engaged... to a man that gives me blank looks everytime I say "DB" or "snork". other than that, he's perfect (for me.) he's even gonna hold down the homefront while I go off next spring for a six month "vacation" in beautiful sunny baghdad, courtesy of uncle sam. this war would end a lot sooner if they'd just send over a couple platoons of cranky PMS'ing middle aged mommies! //end un-funny personal update//

azred - congrats on your engagement! Although I have mixed emotions about sending a blogger to baghdad.

annie - it's perfect. they can't make bombs if they are too busy spewing diet coke out their noses, it'll ruin all their wiring. (that's my secret evil plan to end this farking war!)

When the vandals visit the Bocken (a logical escalation of Christmas hostilities),
perhaps they will try
"finding a moose and clapping it."

Is Moose clapping legal?


azred - I sure hope so. May it be over before you go over.

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