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December 20, 2006

THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO PROBLEM IF SHE HAD PUT IT IN A ONE-QUART ZIP-TOP CLEAR-PLASTIC BAG

(Thanks to Jennifer Oldham)

HALLELUJ ALELLLU ALLELLU HOORAY!

They found Baby Jesus! All 32 of him!

(Thanks to Siouxie)

VAGUELY RELATED UPDATE

(from many alert readers, and posted by the s.b.)

POSSIBLY RELATED POSSIBLE REPOST

(ditto)

THE NATIONWIDE CRIME WAVE GROWS WIDER

"Sword-Wielding Santa Vandals" would be a bad name for a rock band.

Related story here, featuring hardcore video of Frosty, Pooh and, yes, Tigger.

THIS WILL NOT SEEM FUNNY TO ANYBODY WHO WORKS IN AN OFFICE

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

WAIT A MINUTE... IS THIS GUY SAYING 24 IS NOT REALISTIC??

Key Quote:

In the show 24, Jack Bauer calls his office to get plans and schematics for various buildings. Once these files have been transferred from outside sources to the agency's mainframe, Jack asks to have them downloaded to his PDA. And -- miracle of miracles -- the files are readable without any workarounds. (And download is far faster than is currently possible on the U.S.'s miserable mobile networks.)

What this so-called "expert" apparently does not realize is that the person sending the files to Jack is no ordinary office worker.

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER....

...for the Squid-Inspired Vortex Generators.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR?

UPDATE: Whoops. This doesn't seem to be working.

UPDATE: Whoops. Maybe it is.

December 19, 2006

NOW THEY'VE GONE TOO FAR

IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, THEN NOTHING WILL

ARE YOU HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Or is that a scorpion in your jeans?

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

CRIME

It is out of control.

And not just in Michigan.

REALLY SCARY NAME FOR SOME KIND OF BAND

Penis-Burning Woman

SNAKE ON A SHIP

December 18, 2006

SAD NEWS FROM BLANKET, TEXAS

It's the end of an era.

(Thanks to Lawnmower Racer Vinny)

YEARS FROM NOW, WE WILL ALL REMEMBER EXACTLY WHERE WE WERE WHEN WE HEARD THE AWFUL NEWS

Britain is running out of rhubarb.

(Thabks to DavCat14)

FOR THE PERSON ON YOUR GIFT LIST WHO ALREADY HAS WHALE VOMIT AND ANAL BLEACH

Give the most precious gift of all: an alligator head with original tag.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

AND THE SO-CALLED "INTERNATIONAL RED CROSS" DOES NOTHING

(Thanks to Siouxie)

THERE IS NO GIFT THAT SAYS "I AM THINKING OF YOU IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY"

...quite like this.

(Thanks to Scott Tucker)

STUFF PEOPLE DO IN COLLEGE

This blog also spent a fair amount of time on hands and knees.

(Thanks to garnetwhyte)

THIS YEAR, GIVE A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY GIFT

...give the gift of whale vomit.

(Thanks to Geoff Butler)

A HOLIDAY TRAGEDY WAITING TO HAPPEN

(Thanks to Kim Kristiansen)

BULLETIN BULLETIN WOOF BULLETIN

(Thanks to everyone)

THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THIS SITUATION

And there aren't even any pictures, so we definitely aren't going to blog this.

(Thanks anyway to John Regan)

BAD SONG SURVEY

The Yuletide Edition

(Blame Occam's Lady Schick)

FORGET THE GRINCH

Here is the feel-good holiday video of the season so far.

(Via Gizmodo)

THIS JUST IN FROM THE SWAZI OBSERVER

BULLETIN BULLETIN BULLETIN

LEGAL ARGUMENT OF THE WEEK SO FAR

(Thanks to Kaf Aleni)

December 16, 2006

WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO COMMENT

...if we know what's good for us, and we think we do. Thank you.

(And thanks to Eleanor)

December 15, 2006

IS THERE NOTHING ELSE TO DO IN SWEDEN?

They're after the goat again.

(Thanks to Valerie)

ATTENTION, SAMUEL JACKSON'S AGENT

Mice on a Plane

(Thanks to many people, with Ms. Wheezer first)

CRIMINAL MASTERMIND OF THE AFTERNOON SO FAR

(Thanks to PhilinTexas)

ATTENTION, ANYBODY WHO HAS EVER EATEN AT A SCHOOL CAFETERIA

Do not even think about clicking here.

(Thanks to Onterrible and Nick Burns)

GIVE IT UP...

for Squid Juice.

(Thanks to RussellMc)

WHEN ANTLERS ARE OUTLAWED, ONLY DEER WILL HAVE ANTLERS

(Thanks to Gary Meier)

WISCONSIN: LAND OF LUNATICS

On today's menu: The Arachnideer.

(Thanks to many people, first among them marva mauthe) (Really.)

TODAY'S NATURE FACT ABOUT GIANT PANDAS

They're into clothes.

(Thanks to Claire Martin)

NOTE TO PRODUCERS OF COMEDY-AWARDS SHOWS

Dump the snake.

THIS BLOG IS LINING UP FOR TICKETS NOW

TEACHER OF THE MONTH SO FAR

(Thanks to CoastRaven)

BAD NEWS, HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

The PTA store at my daughter's school is out of squishy balls and might beans.
Pta_store_2

December 14, 2006

"BOOMER, THIS IS YOUR FOOD DISH SPEAKING. STOP HUMPING THE SOFA."

Via Gizmodo)

JUST A DARNED MINUTE

I am getting sick and tired of hearing this guy Tancredo go around calling Miami a "Third World country." Listen, bud: We are a first-world country, and don't you forget it.

I'm sorry they rescinded his invitation to come down here. I think we should have let him come down, then confiscated his passport.

VERY STRONG NAME FOR A ROCK BAND

Cave Snot

(Thanks to Michael Thompson)

TOURIST DESTINATION OF THE DAY SO FAR

Fjuckby, by way of Krakanger.

(Thanks to Just Ducky)

EXCUSE ADVISORY

I apologize for the lack of posting, but this morning I gave a commencement address at the University of Miami. Among those at the ceremony were UM graduate Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, a funny and extremely large man. I discovered that every time I mentioned him in my speech, the crowd would cheer. So whenever there was a lull, I'd just turn to him and go, "The Rock!" And there would be cheering. To his great credit, he did not pick me up by my neck and shake me like a large robe-wearing maraca.

December 13, 2006

WE CANNOT IMPROVE UPON THE GIZMODO HEADLINE FOR THIS ITEM

Dorks Read Vows....

ADVISORY TO AUSTRALIANS THINKING OF USING THE TOILET

Don't.

(Thanks to KC Steve)

THE WORKERS AT MIAMI INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT HAVE A SIMILAR RITUAL, BUT INSTEAD OF A CAMEL, THEY USE YOUR LUGGAGE

(Thanks to Jon Harris)

WHAT'S THAT BUZZING SOUND?

It's probably nothing.

(Thanks to Steve the 24 Guy)

UPDATE (thanks to Cheryl Howard): Maybe they were looking for a bomb.

 
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